I picked up a new book about 3 months ago- the beginning of the summer. They say when the student is ready, the book appears and I was so ready for this book.
The Big Man teases me because of the title… In a nice way, just has he has always called me ‘wormy’ for my love of reading and of books.
I read the last page today in the sunshine, tummy full from finally being able to eat, a cup of green tea and the cat purring next to me.  
It has taken me on a journey. The journey back to self esteem as I completely committed to reading it, absorbing it, studying it and doing the exercises.
The final chapter around consciousness, being of light and belief was the perfect ending and a reflection of how I feel. 
It is well digested, beautifully dog-eared and will be going back to my book shelf to rest but also to be easily accessible for reference in moments of darkness, weakness or loss.
As I put it back… I wait for the next book to shout out to be picked up…. What’s next!?? 

I woke up this morning feeling so disappointed… But I am going to bed tonight having felt a huge wave of gratitude this evening…
I was so disappointed to have woken up again this morning with the terrible stomach cramps that have given me such discomfort this week – a virus, a bug, at one point I thought anxiety… ? Who knows… ? But it meant I couldn’t compete in the Brownlee Tri that I have been so looking forward to.

But tonight, looking back, I know it’s my turn next year. And if I had been competing, I wouldn’t have been able to cheer on the Big Man, Willy wouldn’t have gotten his first test of a multiple sport event…. And I wouldn’t have got the amazing opportunity to speak, hug and take a selfie with my heroes… Such amazing athletes, so selfless with their time to speak to everyone.. Inspiring not only the next generation, but the current one and the previous one (ie me!).

Furthermore, if I had been competing, we would have been a family disconnected, no supporters, juggling boys and start times, school pick ups and mealtimes… Instead we celebrated family triumphs and treated ourselves to the BFG, popcorn and pizza. And while my tummy griped as I looked at my food, I had that overwhelming sense of love for my boys…. 
I heard this week that you can live in one of 3 modes: one of blame, one of justification or one of building.
Blame mode means you only look to others or things or events as the cause of your current moment of state. Usually causing anger, hate, frustration… The only antidote (in my opinion from experience) is forgiveness – for yourself and the person / event causing the negative feeling. And that’s just a simple choice. 
Justification mode means you have valid reasons based on events outside your control… Although, still finding excuses for your current situation. ‘The why me?’ question is a typical sign of this situation and I definitely said that this week with Tom and his head injury and again this morning… The antidote, I believe is to find the lesson in the experience. Tom hurting himself was just life teaching me to be ready for more of the same, how to prepare for it practically (the food bag!) and emotionally (he will be fine). The stomach bug / pulling out of the tri, a lesson that perhaps we are trying to do too much! 
And build mode – the place to be – learning, growing, building a life that you want, with the people you want to be with, in the places you want to be in, in the spirit and with the attitude that lends you to a high frequency, where life is easy, you are on purpose and loving life… 
The art of a successful life is to be aware of the mode you are in and to do what’s necessary to return to or remain in build mode. And you may have to weather a few storms to get there, and that’s where Jim Rohn comes in – it’s the set of your sail! 

On completing my year long blog, a friend contacted me an asked a question that I have been pondering since.

 

“What was it that helped transform lost and confused Ali from a year ago?”

 

I tried to think if there was one book, one technique or practice that I introduced that made the biggest difference.

 

I don’t think there really was;  there was a consistent willingness to learn, to improve, to work out what would help me through each stage and then implement the practice.

 

However, today I heard something that made me stop and think.

 

There is a perception that people make a change or they change over a period of time;  but really the decision to change, either yourself or your situation, happens in a moment.  A split second when you decide that the current situation you are in is not what you want and that you won’t tolerate it any more.

 

I couldn’t tolerate myself anymore.  The misery, the sadness, the anger, the constant and quite valid justification of my situation based on events out of my control constantly flowing through my mind, despite the ‘dance face’ I could put on.

 

I couldn’t tolerate my circumstances anymore.  The people pleaser, doing what everyone else wanted me to do, feeling how everyone else said I should feel… I couldn’t tolerate any more difficulties, hardships coming into my life.

 

So I gave myself space to change and to decide how I wanted to be and how I wanted to live my life. I stopped focussing on what was going wrong and started focussing on what needed to change and what needed to start going right.

 

And so I changed, in a moment.  I took responsibility for my life. My attitude.  My commitments. And that gave me the confidence to start living.  I took back my power and I started to believe.

 

 

 

How do you try and convince a little boy that his new school is in his best interest… when all he can see is that there are no monkey bars, that they don’t have ‘star of the week’ and get to sit in a special chair and that all his little friends are missing.

 

‘Why did you move me when I was having so much fun’… as he sobs into his cuddly giraffe.

 

How do you try and remind a little boy that yesterday he came home from his new school bouncing and happy and asking if he was going to school again tomorrow to learn more about ‘Lenny the London Evacuee’.

 

How do you try and help a little boy who loves to please by being the best in class see that he is just upset because he got his first proper ‘telling off’ today?

 

Get in to bed with him, cuddle him and listen to his worries.  Stroke his head and tell him that tomorrow is another day, a good nights sleep and his little world will look far better in the morning.

 

A bit like my day today.  The reset button definitely started the reprogramming over night.

 

I woke up with a far ‘happier head’ and a lighter, brighter outlook on life.

 

I haven’t felt right all day… couldn’t put my finger on it.  Worried about my Tom.  Concerned about my sister, missing her.

 

I have been working on ‘changing the frequency’, minding my thoughts and distracting them to focus on good stuff…. That Tom is fine!  That life is great!  That the sun is out!

 

But the switch wouldn’t flick over.  It wouldn’t connect or stick.  A bit like trying to swipe your iphone to accept a call, but it won’t register the movement.  Or like an old light-switch in a scary movie that the character keeps flicking on and off .. and  nothing happens.

 

So I am going for the full reset.  7pm and I am in bed.

 

I am switching the big light off.

 

 

 

Not sure what the Universe was trying to tell me today. Or what I had been asking the universe for, as I ended up in A & E for most of the day…

 

I was quite happily enjoying my morning; an early walk with a friend; a coffee to put the world to rights with the Big Man before he jetted off to Ireland; an hour work blitz, with my phone on silent and turned upside down so as not to be distracted …

 

For some reason decided to flip over my phone to see the time. No idea why I didn’t check my watch or the computer clock…

 

And there is always that sinking feeling, a little bit ‘sicky’ when the school number flashes up at a random time. Like 11.42. Stomach lurching as one of the boys is hurt… Or been naughty…

 

And this time it is the former – school nurse. ‘I have Tom with me’..

 

By this point I am already on my feet, collecting my bag, wallet, keys..

 

It transpires he has been doing the ‘Death Drop’ off parallel bars… (I mean – WTF was he thinking?!!!) And slipped, banging his head on the way down and then landing on to his head 5 ft below. After the initial shock and calming down by the nurse, he had been let back to class, only to be found wandering the corridors confused, dazed and no recollection of why.

 

The school thought it would be a good idea for me to get him checked. (?!)

 

I am already in the car by this point, shaking. Possibly with nerves, adrenalin… I hate my boys being hurt. And Tom particularly worries me because of his high pain threshold, his ‘bionic bones’.

 

The sickness and heartache only worsens when the nurse opens the door to the quiet patient room… And there is my Tom, ashen grey lying on a little bed, red eyes.  Always my baby, despite his blazer and tie.

 

You never know when the last time your little boy, almost man, will reach out for you.. And when they happen, you take them. As he reached up and out for me, I took his embrace and his snuggle into my neck. He couldn’t remember what happened and his head hurt. His pain, my pain.

 

4 hours later or more in A & E with Tom under observation while waiting to see the doctor, I am grateful for the the bag of crisps and 2 apples I threw in my bag as I left (must remember for future phone calls – maybe I should have emergency snack bag by the door?), 2 Twix from the vending machine later and finally some pink is back in his cheeks and he is playing ‘drive’ on the iPad.

 

He clearly isn’t critical. He clearly has a thick skull….

 

Maybe the Universe was just giving me some quality time with my big boy.  Or reminding me to be grateful… Or reminding Tom he isn’t super human and that ‘Death Drops’ are not a good idea…

 

Or maybe that he is just a boy… and the Universe is preparing me for more to come, because as much as I want to wrap him up in cotton wool, protect him, keep him whole, I know he is so full of life and exuberance, that trying to safeguard him, would be preventing him from living.

 

In any case.. I am drinking wine and eating chocolate with relief.  No broken bones, no broken neck… Just a snuggly little boy next to me.

 

 

Today was all about ‘the brothers’..

 

The awesome Brownlee Brothers, who deserve their Capital B status for brothers.  What another amazing sight to see how Alistair just scooped up his brother and held him until he launched him over the finish line to finish second.  I defy anyone to not find that an incredibly inspirational, memorable and emotional moment.

 

I do wonder if those boys were ever like mine?  One minute beating the crap out of each other and then the next seeing how fast they can scoot round the yard, or building a den, climbing a tree… or snoozing next to each other on a sofa.

 

And then we have the highly amusing bunch of brothers I drove home today from school.  One question of what were their favourite bits of the day.. and the 4 of them just joke, jest, laugh, tell stories on each other and it is as if I am no longer there.  It took restraint today, so much restraint to keep a poker face and to keep quiet as they discussed various topics from trumping to ‘sexiness’, lunch to the boys loos, pokemon and forest school.

 

However, they all grow up, I hope they will always have each others backs and put the other first, in selfless acts of kindness.

 

There are Super Sunday’s … and there are Super Duper Sundays!

 

And today’s Super Duper Sunday was totally unexpected.  The sunshine always plays a huge part in a wonderful day – it certainly lifts the spirits in our house.

 

Sunshine flooding our kitchen bay windows, croissants, Sunday papers, eggs and bacon, strong coffee with family and friends was a real luxury and leisurely treat.

 

Sunshine in my office as my inspirational friend and I thumbed through the books on leadership, powerful women and talked through some of the practices that I see now as daily habits, which have helped me through stressful times;  showing vulnerability, asking powerful questions of oneself and others, and of course, the power pose and affirmations.

 

Sunshine on a family stroll, the dog leaping in amongst us, the boys climbing trees and demanding kisses through the kissing gates.

 

Sunshine as I scrabbled together whatever I could find in the bare cupboards and fridge for a last minute late lunch.  So satisfying creating a really tasty meal out of nothing.

 

Sunshine and ‘blue marlin’ soundtracks, icy rosé and crisp whites turning our courtyard garden into the chill zone with some of my favourite people ever.. as the children amused themselves and baby Jamie.

 

Sunshine setting slowly behind the big trees, now turning autumnal as we played a competitive family game of uno over pizzas….

 

Sunshine has long gone, but everyone is happy snoozing on Super Duper Sunday…

 

It has been one of those rare Saturday’s today;  relaxed yet busy, quiet yet social, thought provoking yet full of laughter.

 

Bless my beautiful Tom Tom… with Saturday school starting early, Friday night pub night looks like it will be an exeat weekend treat only.  He could not get out of bed.  So hard for him with the rest of us in our PJ’s, milling in the kitchen.  Lesson understood, even if we have to pretend we are ‘up and at ‘em!’

 

As the Big Man went for an early swim and with Willy happily playing with his cars in the garden, I did sneak back to bed with my book….but spent most of the time daydreaming as I looked out through the open curtains to watch the mist and grey morning lift to sunshine.

 

I am back in the same place, about to slide under my duvet into a blissful contented sleep tonight, a galaxy away from a worried, lonely, fitful sleep of a year ago.

 

A beautiful day preparing the house for guests, visiting my scrumptious goddaughter and kissing her cherub cheeks, family lunch and a walk through our village arms linked with greatest friends from London, experiencing first hand the true feeling of community.  People happy to talk to strangers, share their stories, friends upon friend passing us on the path stopping to chat, wave or shout a passing well wishing comment and even join us for a drink or two at the ‘watering hole’.

 

A beautiful evening, good food washed down with good wines with debate and discussion all stemming from a single question – if granted one wish, what would you wish for?

 

So interesting what it provokes, how many rounds you can have of the same question and where it leads.

 

I still stand by original answer.

 

 

 

 

My 365 day blog challenge did indeed finish yesterday.

 

I started my blog on 17^th September… so the final day of my ‘year long’ blog is today – the  16^th September… today, not yesterday. A leap year has 366 days.  I didn’t know it was a leap year when I started, hence the 365 days…

 

So I suppose this is the ‘epilogue’.

 

After I wrote my last blog last night, I felt kind of strange.  A little hollow.  Proud… but sad that it had come to an end.  And today, on waking, it felt like something would be missing: a bit like going through a whole day and not cleaning my teeth… (I am a bit OCD when it comes to teeth and hand washing….)

 

So I decided to read my first blog again… and realised the date.  I felt uplifted by the fact I had one more day to go!  So therein lies my answer to the question I have been avoiding; whether I should keep blogging, keep blogging daily.  That sense of loss, plus the many comments, text, mails and conversations where people have said I should keep going, how much they would miss their evening read, how much they have been inspired or felt comforted by my experience and feelings.

 

I never really expected people to read it.  Maybe my Dad and my sister, possibly the Big Man.  The odd friend on occasion. When I pluck up the courage to look at my ‘stats’, I am always hugely surprised and overwhelmed.  And then I forget it again, not wanting to allow others thoughts and opinions of me persuade me in what I should write, rather than keeping it true and authentically raw and honest.

 

Who knows what the next year will bring?  I will be journaling anyway, and as I am a creature of habit, it is part of my daily routine; just like cleaning my teeth, washing my hands, having an Arbonne Vanilla Berry shake every day for breakfast (even on holiday), a chicken avocado salad for lunch, always kissing both my boys while they sleep, using hand cream last thing before I got to bed and writing my gratitude list.

 

So I have done 366.  What’s next?  #731dayblogchallenge ?  That sounds a bit dull… #dailyblogforever ?  Will I get in to the Guiness Book of records?

 

But this is definitely the end of the first instalment.

This is the first of the Ali Sandwiches on the platter, or the book shelf.

 

The next one starts tomorrow.