A friend, and incredible person, shared a beautiful quote with me today and it sums up really how I am feeling.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through. You won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
And suddenly it is. And incredibly, I don’t. And justifiably, I am definitely not.
And that’s what life is all about.
So much for an early night! But I set myself a goal for the weekend, and I couldn’t get to go to bed until I had done it. Operation ‘Skiffkey’ started in earnest with 3 of us, 2 fell asleep but one of us soldiered on..
The house makeover has started!
Probably not in the most important of places, for example, as the surveyor reported – the roof that could ‘blow off in the next big gust of wind’, or the plumbing which means hot water takes 5 minutes to run to the tap, or just the general lack of places to wash without us all having to run through the shower in quick succession for fear of bringing the roof down with leaky water pipes…
Strange how I can live with that….but I could no longer live with the germaline pink walls of the library and its mint green and tartan pelmetted curtains.
I fear the faux marble brick effect walls may get the same treatment…
Tonight, as I creep under the covers I can’t wait to turn out the light… no longer to hide from the world, but because the vice on my head has taken a cruel and unfair grip.
There is no point in fighting… there is no point in feeling tense.
There is no point in overthinking the cause, for the first time in a long time, I don’t think there Is one. I just need to be in bed, peaceful.
Today was all about mothering. Myself. And 2 very tired boys.
My body gave me very clear instructions yesterday I needed to slow down; while out for an early run with the dog and the Big Man, on my second sprint my left leg seized up and I hobbled home, angry with myself and frustrated. Perhaps in my determination to get back shape after injury, 5 times a week of HIIT was too much….. perhaps.
Another very clear message, the first one I saw as I opened instagram, gave me permission to mother myself, rather than fly around supermarkets and DIY shops, running errands. It’s been a while. A while since I have snuck back under the covers during the day…. A beautiful meditation lulling me up in to a levitating place.. Thank you Karen – I needed that.
And my boys…. Their first exeat weekend after a full, full, full on first few weeks. They needed mothering and loving, hugging and smothering with love and affection.
I remember my first exeat weekend; in the distance I could only see my sloping shouldered Dad and headed for him; only to be swept up in a cloud of Fendi perfume, arms, warmth, loving whispers and showers of kisses .. my Mumbo. So, in deference to her, I wrapped myself in one of her vintage tweed jackets today and while it is ‘uncool’ to show affection in the boys’ quad, they got it as soon as we were private.
And thanks to mothering myself this morning, I was able to cook up a storm for a Friday kitchen supper and am well prepared for tomorrow’s guests too!
The message on one of my Christmas presents this past year was ‘We believe in you, love Bird & Lyra” and the present was the perfect purple book with silver writing embossed saying “Believe you can”.
In the dark haze of my festivities, I packed the book away carefully in its tissue paper, at the time not really knowing how on earth or what on earth there was in me that they believed in. The same carefully wrapped book was put lovingly on a shelf, then in a removal box, in turn put in a dark basement cupboard.
And today, it saw the light of day again. And the message from my sister and niece was cheering me on.
On my mirror list of things that bring me joy (for if you do what brings you joy, you bring joys to others), other than family, I list how much I love researching in to health, mind, spirituality and nutrition. And today, I listened to my new teacher explain the definition of health, how it originated from the word meaning ‘whole, sound, well.’ That true health is the complete package, when you have physical, mental and social wellbeing and not just the absence of disease.
Bird & Lyra cheering me on, they believed in me, and I have now found something that makes me believe in me again. I have taken those first small steps in the direction of doing something that I am passionate about, that I love learning about and want to help others with.
Today I took my first lessons at ‘medical school’, a school with a focus less on disease management and more on health promotion.
Now that’s what sets me alight!
Back in early June, while our new chapter was still a ‘straw man’ plan, intentions and wishes put out to the Universe, I remember writing about origami cranes that had been present in a Reiki session. I remembered them today because I was transfixed by a beautiful screen print called ‘A Mumuration of paper birds’ that tickled my fancy and tugged at my memory heart strings. And it has been imprinted on my mind since leaving the Cathedral and been playing around in the edges of my consciousness since.
Back in June I wrote:
“Flying birds symbolise hopes and dreams, a sunny outlook and freedom. But the crane, the crane signifies happiness and maternal love. And cranes, many cranes made of paper set free into the sky are a symbols of wishes coming true, of hope, and healing in dark times.”
AT the time, those words, those cranes gave me the hope that my wishes and dreams would come true and that I would, in time, heal.
Today, those cranes in flight, in the subtle blues, greens, golds and hints of pink hyptnotised me with a sense of peace and calm. And re-reading and reflecting on my earlier words, that calm is from the paper cranes realizing their symbolism; the maternal love contributing to the happiness I feel and their flight in to the light reminding me of my current path in to the exciting beam of the future, the warmth healing the wounds and my wishes all now coming true.
Their flight of freedom mirroring my flight of freedom; my own mumuration, the same, but forever changing shape, letting go and bringing in, creating patterns and new shapes in the subtle twilight glow.
There is always a moment when the line has to be drawn.
And as I focus on living in the transient moments throughout the day and put my intention into what creating what the future holds, I can feel that line beginning to follow behind me. I can feel the clarity and brightness of what is to come and that blinds me from the past.
There will be times when the light dims and the speed of the line being drawn slows, but I am learning how to turn the switch and speed back up.
When the light of the future was still a flicker, I wrote down what brought me joy and I have kept that list by my mirror. I read it daily in the morning for intentional purpose for the day ahead; I consider a good day to be one where I tick off one of those intentions. These days, I am ticking off many more than one and that joy, that brightness, that light expands inside and I can feel the seed of confidence begin to grow.
I believe we all have to plant our own seeds; of confidence, of intention, of love, of peace. And I believe that those seeds grow with nurture and attention from both ourselves but also from those we love. For some reason, that seems to supercharge the growth.
I recognise that both in myself and for others. And as Newton’s third law states:
“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
To give that nurture and attention, you should be open and willing to receiving the same. And vice versa. How many seeds would then grow strong and tall? How much light and energy would there be to light up the world?