Today…

I did a lot of writing today.

I did a lot of listening today.

I did a lot of watching today.

 

I wrote about the mind.

I listened to a ‘year of yes’.

I watched a lot of ‘Shondaland’.

 

I wrote about how I mastered my mind and transformed my world and the trajectory of my life.

I listened to how Shonda Rhimes said ‘yes’, reinvigorated her creativity and found her tribe of happy whole people, by being a happy whole person,

I watched Greys and cried at the death of a young son. As I ironed a dozen shirts, I was gripped by ‘how to get away with murder’.

 

I cooked, I tidied, I washed, I worked, worked out, meditated, measured sofas, arranged flowers, played taxi-man, nurse and Mummy.  Today, I lived the dream.

 

PS.  I can’t believe I jinxed spring by wearing my new trainers and showing off bare flesh yesterday.

 

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Spring!

As I opened the front door this morning, my senses were bombarded with Spring!

 

There was birdsong!  To me, that is the sound of joy!  It is the warning bell of nature, sharing the news that the season is about to change.

 

There was light and warmth!  To me, that is the feeling of relief.  It is the lifting of the spirits that only natural light can bring and the promise of the change of the hour awaits.

 

There are daffodil stems!  To me, that is the visual of change.  All around I can see the signs of growth, renewal and transformation.  The snowdrops joined by crocus and now the trumpets are warming up to the crescendo of the new dawn.

 

With the obvious senses aroused, as I walked over the threshold I could smell and taste the freshness of the air; a crispness overpowering the damp and mildew of the winter that is creeping away for another year.

 

Nature shows us in the Autumn how to let go in a spectacular and beautiful fashion and in Spring, the lesson is of renewal after loss, light after dark, growth after death.  Nature shows us transformation is the way to live, to stay alive and how to do so with elegance, patience and splendour.

 

Renewal

Trust: i have all my marbles

I was asked today how and whether I was managing to trust again.  It was in the context of how I could trust again after betrayal.

 

And it is an interesting question.

 

I know I went through a phase of worrying and thinking and musing and pondering about trust.  And whether I could ever trust him again.  Whether I could trust friends again.  Whether I could trust anyone again.

 

And as I sit here, watching the sun go down behind the trees at the end of the fields, I am still wary of trust.  But, a while ago, I stopped worrying about trusting the Big Man and trusting friends who had broken the very same.

 

Because can you really every trust anyone?   I know I trust my sister and my Dad.  I know that with a certainty.  I know that because of the bond we have.  And I know that anything they do or say will always be out of love for me, protection maybe too, but never anything that would hurt me to the point I couldn’t trust them.

 

So, while I recognised that a while ago now.  When I let go of the worry bead about trust, when I stopped trying to force trust between us, I felt better.  And that is because I refocussed all elements of trust towards myself and did the whole ‘love before fear’ thing.  I focussed on falling in love again with him and finding trust in myself.

 

If I couldn’t trust anyone else, could I trust myself?  And at the time, I didn’t.  I didn’t trust myself to do what I said I would do, if my trust was broken again.  That lead me to the point where I have rebuilt the trust in myself.  I trust myself to do what is necessary each and every time someone breaks my trust and hurts me.

 

I did this by looking at each of Brene’s Marbles of trust and putting it back into my own marble jar:  excerpt from https://thealisandwiches.com/2017/05/20/unpacking-trust/:

 

There are marbles for respecting Boundaries, being Reliable and doing what you said you would do, being Accountable for your actions, mistakes and making amends for them, holding secrets in a Vault that is not meant for the ears of others, having Integrity by living your values, being Non judgemental when people ask something of you and by being Generous in your thoughts of others, always seeing the best first.

 

I trust myself. I have all my marbles.  And I love my Big Man again.

 

And while I have been doing this work on myself, I know that the Big Man has been putting the marbles back in his own jar, to trust himself and at the same time, nurturing the love I had hidden inside of me, that he knew was still there.

 

And as I write this, I realise that by both of us doing that, the trust between us and the marble jars we hold of each other are filling up too.  The trust is rebuilding, alongside the love.

 

That in itself, leads me to the next question of myself;  is that trust ever going to be anything more than precarious?  Is love enough?  Will just one marble being taken out cause the rest to follow and leave us empty of trust again?

 

I don’t know.  But maybe.  Perhaps in another 9 months, I will surprise myself by thinking of trust again and recognise and appreciate how far I have come, we have come.  Just like I have this evening.

 

trust

Help others to help yourself

It feels so good when you know you have helped someone.  In whatever capacity.

 

It feels so nice to be told that your words, written or spoken, helped someone or to see a smile on someone’s face knowing you helped generate it.  In whatever capacity.

 

It feels so special to know that just by listening, someone feels heard and that makes them feel better.  In whatever capacity.

 

It feels good to make people happy, whether that be by sharing a quote on social media, an experience in a blog, a chat over coffee, a coaching call over zoom.  In all capacities, spreading love and kindness, compassion and empathy, ears and a smile is always a good thing for others… and yourself.

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It’s been a strange half term.  Nothing went to plan.  No visit to see new babies or new homes or Grandad fresh from his travels.

 

But perhaps we all needed to stay at home, making home, feeling at home.  Each room is slowly becoming more homely and snug the more we use it.  The more we use each of the rooms, the more of a vision we have on how we will use them, when we will spend time in the them, who will use them.

 

Rest is so important.  And maybe we needed that too.  My Big Boy only just looking and sounding like he has gotten over his Christmas flu, bouncing back with beans and his energetic enthusiasm for life.  My Little Boy finally can eat again, swallow more than ice cream now that the scary swelling has reduced and his tonsils less inflamed.  And the Big Man, he is finally more relaxed than I have seen him for years.

 

My favourite time today, apart from getting over my procrastinating mind to go out for a gorgeous fresh run, were the moments my boys came and snuggled into my lap.   My little one all soft and squidgy, despite having no meat on his bones, peppering me with little kisses and declaring undying love (!) with his little arms around my neck.  And my Big long limbed, bony one, so affectionate, so emotionally sensitive.  But only when the shutters are shut, the curtains are closed and there is no one to see he is still a little boy at heart…  I relish those moments.  SAvour them and store them away.

 

My worst time today was just now.  Mixed communication and crossed wires means that 2 of us will be at home tomorrow, but not together ..

Steering clear of the wine

Peptobismol cocktails and I don’t mix.

Peptobismol cocktails, wine and I don’t mix.

It’s been a while, but sometimes you need to do things in order to remind yourself not to do again in a hurry.

Thank goodness for Jonny Baghdad’s to help us feel human just in time to welcome our new neighbours for supper… the first of many casual family suppers.

And I steered clear of the wine! Wise move… and my head feels so much better and I can appreciate my blue room, a roaring fire, new slippers, the food in my belly and just totally happy…