Date night

Ah… date night.

After nearly 2 decades, a year ago we started dating from scratch. 2 strangers getting to know each other again. 2 strangers sharing their passions and their future dreams. 2 strangers sharing their vulnerabilities, their fears, their regrets.

They started where they were.

They started with what they had.

They kept talking.

They kept dating.

When one fell, the other held them up.

On date one, there were nerves and Adrenalin. A year on, in the candlelight, holding hands, there was peace, respect and togetherness.

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Choosing a string of happy moments, rather than pain

On the back of my blog post last night, a beautiful friend sent me some beautiful words.  And those words danced a jig around another set of words that drew me in as I read the opening to Oprah’s new book.

 

What can I say… I am a sucker for words….

 

The first, the beautiful words from my beautiful friend, “A happy life is just a string of happy moments. But most people don’t allow the happy moment, because they’re so busy trying to get a happy life.”

 

And the others from another beautiful soul, Oprah “No one has been through what you have been through, not in the way that you’ve experienced it.  And yet, all pain is the same.”

 

Today, as it always seems to flow,  the moment I feel great comfort and happiness, pain is triggered.

 

But there is always choice.  And while sometimes choices and decisions are elusive thanks to emotional turmoil, I am out of the storm.  So I can choose.

 

I chose rather than to focus on the pain of the flash backs of ugly, trashy images triggered by a date, I chose to see and live in the string of happy moments.

 

Starting from the moment Tom snuck in to bed, pushed away the Big Man and curled around me, reminding me it was Exeat morning.  To the intense moments of togetherness, openness, honesty and true closeness on multiple levels as I shared my pain with the Big Man.

 

And all the moments in between!  The boys playing rugby in the garden;  cardio tennis and hitting clean shots low over the net;  sitting with an incredible woman and such close friend, coaching her and myself through this stage in our life;  being excited by the words I am writing on a page as I dream up new courses for women returning to work, even more excited by those courses for women decided on leaving a corporate world; choosing advent calendars and realising the countdown to my favourite time of year is on;  looking at the plans of the house and moving walls by pencil lines…..taking a sip of wine, closing down this blog to go and join my family for movie and popcorn night in the den.

 

a string of happy moments

Life test

This evening, as has become customary the night before a ‘no school day’, we all lay draped across each other on the sofa, watch Blue Planet and one by one fall asleep.

I am so happy and content. That feels so wonderful to write…. it feels like the storm is over and the life test complete, learnt from and passed.

Affirming what I know I am…

I have always loved a good affirmation.  They are now such a part of my daily routine, so that just like cleaning my teeth, I can’t leave home without doing it.

I have seen and felt them work;  from the ‘I am successful’ mantra I had to repeat daily after I left the corporate profession I had worked so hard at for a decade and a half… to the ‘I am a strong and independent woman’ and ‘I am happy’ affirmations of the last year.

For me, I like to use them to affirm what I know I am deep down;  I use them to open up those hidden jewels that have been locked away.  I speak them out loud so as to open up my consciousness, to plant the seed that will grow as it gathers what it needs to ‘become’.  I find they give me confidence and permission to go out there into the world, leave my bathroom and to be what I say I am.

And my latest and most current affirmation is already manifesting.

I am an holistic health coach, inspiring the word one person at a time to take a look at their holistic health and make changes so that they are fulfilled, happy and healthy.”

I started doing a little dance when someone would text me or send me a photo of what they were making or doing, saying they were inspired to do so by my posts on my ‘Heal yourself Happy’ Instagram feed.  And they used the words ‘inspired’!  And now I am pretty much dancing all the time!!

One person at a time, one friend at a time… one bite, one recipe, one juice, one family at a time.  One drop in an ocean creating a ripple effect!  And that makes me happy!

Ali(ce) in Wonderland

I always find it fascinating to read past blog posts; not every day, but sometimes, on the odd occasion one will pop up and the words, quote or photo will intrigue me enough to see what I had to say.

 

This time last year, I wrote that I felt like I was Alice falling down the rabbit hole, and the destination wasn’t to Wonderland.  I wasn’t sure what road I wanted to take, nothing made sense, I was curious and was haunted by wanting to know more, yet knew it wouldn’t help in the long run.  And yet all through it, I knew I had to close my eyes and dream of a future that I could one day believe in… and I kept that visualisation going as I continued to fall down that dark rabbit hole.

 

It was my guide.  Sometimes I veered off track.  Sometimes I didn’t believe it.  Sometimes it was clouded by anger, masked by pain, fell in to the shadow when the past became bigger than the future.  But it was always there…

 

I also wrote that I wanted to fast forward the year, know the answers and see what happens.

 

But if I had done that, I wouldn’t have experienced what I experienced, learnt what I learnt, become what I have become, believed what I believe now to be true.

 

That I am in Wonderland.  And I am confident that it can only get better.

 

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Kindness trumps brutality

All I could think, as I looked directly upwards in to the harsh artificial lighting square in the ceiling, was ‘how brutal’ and yet ‘how kind’…

 

I trained my attention to focus on the kind, as the nurse squeezed my hand and the surgeon repeatedly apologised as he wielded the ridiculously sized needle I had glimpsed before turning away, just a moment prior to saying ‘bang coming now’.  I trained my attention on that light, my breath and the positive and soothing words of the experienced professionals.

 

While I was walking this morning, on a podcast Ali McGraw said that she looked for ‘kernels’ in every situation.  I like that.  The kernel being the bit of the grain that holds all the goodness, the concentrated benefits.

 

So even though the procedure reminded me of how I skewer meat on to a kebab, the kernel of this experience is that I know in my heart this is just to prove that there is nothing sinister there; that I got to spend an unexpectedly longer time hanging out on a sofa in the waiting room with the Big Man; and a reminder that I am so grateful for my health and all the incredibly professional medical staff of the NHS keeping me that way as well as reminding me that kindness always trumps brutality!

 

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