If you had to choose a last day on earth, then today would come pretty close.  A few people missing… but the agenda, was pretty spot on.

 

Waking up in the arms of the Big Man, little men snuggling into us..

 

Coming downstairs to seeing your little niece and nephew, best friend aka sister-in-law have arrived safely.

 

The house bathed in beautiful Cornish sunlight, doors open, laughter and the noise of breakfast.

 

Plans for the day are discussed and the car is packed with life jackets, boxes of sandwiches, plums brought from home, choccie biccies, wine, a keg of beer and lots of water, towels and changes of clothes.

 

We set off from 007 mooring at 11.30am, the sky the bluest of blues, the water calm and just enough wind for a rusty red sail, not too much so each of the children can take a turn at the helm.

 

As we anchor alongside Hawkers Cove Bay, Tom is desperate to relive his days on the boat in Croatia and throws himself off in to the estuary… only to come up winded and hyperventilating from the cold!  A brave boy… and a lesson learnt.

 

We pootle.  We take trips ashore.  The boys acclimatise to the sea temperature and swim back to the boat.

 

And suddenly it is late afternoon and definitely time for an ice cream, followed by fish and chips.  And more rosé.

 

It’s the simple things in life that make certain days the memorable ones, the happy ones, the ones you would relive.  Family.  Sun.  Fun.  Sea. Adventure.  Wine.  Laughter.

 

 

 

6am start! Holiday time!
8 hour trip from Yorkshire to Cornwall
2 hours stationary on the m5…

No lunch. No wee stops allowed…

Beds made up. Bags unpacked.

Bottle of rosé with my mother in law.

Quick early doors in the Mariners.

Lamb steaks and sausages on the barbie.

Bottle of red.

Boys and men all gut-giggling at YBF.

I must remember the tooth fairy… How much down south? 

So relaxed I am horizontal.
I must remember the tooth fairy… Am thinking a fiver… Generous holiday tooth fairy can buy all the cousins an ice cream…. 

The topic of change has been coming up rather a lot recently.

 

A few years ago and particularly when I was little, I really didn’t like change; I liked my routine, the way things were, safe within my boundaries and comfort zones.

 

That was until someone helped me see change as evolution.  Evolution has far less scary connotations.  It sounds exciting, the ability to adapt and be flexible and keep up with the times. ‘Change’ sounds quick and definite.  ‘Evolving’ sounds organic and natural.

 

‘Life gets better by change, not be chance’… that’s what my little inspirational notes said to me this morning…

 

Change is good.  Change is a decision to make things better.  All good things come from change.  And all change comes from within yourself, a decision to improve yourself.  Just as Jim Rohn says ‘don’t wish it were easier, wish you were better.’

 

Which then lead me to re-listen to Jim Rohn’s philisophy’s for life – one of my favourites.  He talks about the winds of change, as well as the winds of disaster and opportunity and that all these winds blow on us all. The difference between us and our success in reaching our destination (the pursuit of happiness), is how we ‘set our sail’ in response to the wind.

 

My interpretation of the ‘setting of the sails’ is how we respond to change, our attitude and what we focus on, how we perceive the change and how we move through storms, how we move through calm, no matter how frequently we have to keep resetting the sails.

 

If our destination ends up being unhappiness, then all we have to do is remember that we just have to decide to change;  get to work to rig up the sails right and then push ourselves back out to catch the winds to take us to the right destination.  Happiness.

 Love this – it looks like Mumbo and DJ are waving me off as I rig my sails! 

 

 

I do love starting a new book.  The crispness of the pages and the firmness of the spine.  Having always been a bookworm, for me it is the same as opening a present – the excitement of the unknown gifts in side.  I love the suspense of whether this book is going to be my new favourite…  turning in to a dog eared, well loved, well thumbed, soft, malleable book where pages fall open to the best bits.  It doesn’t matter whether it is fiction or fact, biography or story, or both.

 

The new book, called ‘bounce’ has set out it’s theory and plan to persuade me that there is no such thing as raw talent.  Which kind of saddens me… but the theory also says that success in anything comes from ‘opportunity and dedication’;  the decision to choose to pursue opportunities given to you or you come across and then the hard work and commitment to practice and perfect your craft or skill.  It states we are all equals, but those who put in the time, win.  10,000 hours is usually the winning number.

 

Interesting.  And with the end of the Olympics (I miss it! But grateful I can go to sleep early at least…), that seems to ring true from all the interviews and commentary from our Team GB medallists.

 

So while the romance of talent lost in this theory does sadden me, I find hope in the fact that if you want anything badly enough and are willing to make sacrifices, dedicate time to becoming the best, then it means I can do anything I want.

 

If I want to be a successful writer, then this project of writing daily is putting me ahead.  The fact that I love it, is a bonus.   In the hours of writing daily, I have learnt that when I write from the heart, without fear, with emotion and honesty then I write freely.

 

If I want to be a good mother to my children, then spending time with them, engaging with them daily without distraction is putting me ahead.   Today was a lovely day with the boys…  watching them play with their friends, doing what boys do best:  enjoying the outdoors, getting mucky, getting wet, laughing and having fun digging for treasure and cementing friendships.

 

Apply the same rule to anything I want achieve in, create the opportunity and commit to focussed dedication.  I can’t lose.

 

 

My head is thick with cold so there is not going on in my mind to off load, say, consider or ponder on..

 

So back to journaling questions just to probe, see if there is anything going on or needs addressing..

 

What went well today, what am I grateful for?

I got a doctor’s appointment pretty quickly for someone to see Tom’s ears. He is as deaf as a post and usually a sign that he has had a cold; not that you would ever know from Tom.  He never complains even if there is green gunk coming out of his ears or nose.

 

The washing machine hasn’t broken.  With Monday being laundry day (well sheets day, on top of daily washing), when I went to put in a new load only to find the drum full of sopping wet clothes and the lights flashing, I began to seriously worry.  As the Big Man reminds me every time I moan about the 3 loads a day– ‘aren’t you lucky you don’t have to wash everything by hand’… One thing to add to my gratitude list – along with love, oxygen, fresh water, food, living in a peaceful country (or at least one not at war), money in our bank account.

 

All the school shoes we ordered on line all fit!  No shoe shopping hell for me! YAY!

 

I got to speak to my Dad and he is happy … that always makes me happy.

 

Willy only had one tantrum.  I asked him to find a quiet place to go and fume and then come back when he was ready to apologise.

 

What would have made today better?

Willy not having any tantrums.  Or me not raising my voice at him…  I hate myself when I shout…  I feel like I have lost control.

 

No head cold and more energy, so I could have embraced the lovely day with a run…and met my friend for lunch.

 

A nice big slice of Willy’s birthday cake… but it was clearly so good, there is none left!  Which I suppose is a good thing really!

 

yep… not much going on in my foggy head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s 2.20pm… and Willy’s little friends are about to join us for a small gathering at 3pm.  He is currently sat on top of the 7 foot wall, saying he no longer wants a party, that he is not coming down and that I need to CANCEL IT!

 

“I AM NOT GOING TO MY PARTY!”

 

Rewind 7 years and that is pretty much what I can imagine Willy was shouting inside my big belly bump.

 

“I AM NOT GOING OUT!”

 

For a second birth, being stuck at 8cm dilated after 24 hours is pretty unusual.  He was not coming out.  So our gorgeous Scottish consultant decided it was time to get him out…. Kicking and screaming, William was going to be pulled out and we were going for an unplanned C section.

 

James donned the blue gown and cap, I was prepped and just as we were about to be wheeled off down to theatre my midwife announced that in the space of 2 minutes, I was now 10cm… and would I like to try for a natural birth?

 

10 minutes later, William Arthur James entered the world.  An enormous, swollen bundle and a healthy screaming boy of 9lb 10oz was presented to me and the third love of my life nestled peacefully in my arms, much to the surprise of the consultant who had come to find us.

 

And quite like his birth, 10 minutes later at 14.32pm on 21^st August, 7 years on, Willy is off the wall, and quite happily waiting on the wall for his friends to arrive.

 

Fear of the unknown, of change…  the biggest difference between my two sons.  Tom Tom, happily throwing himself into anything with anyone, anytime and doing it with a wide smile. Willy, digging in his heals because of nerves, suspicion… making the choice to jump in only when he wants to, then doing so with gusto and the tantrums and the screaming all forgotten, the angelic smile miraculously wiping away all memory of the moments before.

 

My youngest son, the one who drives me to distraction with his tenacity, his persistence and stubbornness….

 

The little apple of my eye…
 

 

I am sitting in the car in one of my favourite spots.. A quiet road, the wind rustling the hedgerows. There is a lot of movement… But it is still. 
I love my home, and I love the hustle and bustle and unannounced visitors calling in. We have an open door policy… Anyone welcome, any time.
I love my home, and I love the times of day when the neighbours are away, the Big Man at work and the boys in school. I know my time will be uninterrupted and I can think freely, do or be whatever I need to be without feeling watched.
Today as I find my quiet space and quiet time, my thoughts wander to marriage. Marriage or relationships are like team work… Each person playing their part for the good of the whole.
As my thoughts wander, I let them… The symbol of ying and yang pops up and it makes me think of a relationship between 2 people. They can be total opposites, but still fit – like the curve edges of the black and white tear drops nestled together in the circle. But something has to connect them – a little characteristic reflected in the other to hold them strong. The dots of the ying and yang. The pins. 
Not really sure where I am going with this… But I read that sometimes, some thing you don’t like in someone else, is the bit reflected in you that you like the least… So really by disliking that person you dislike your self…
And so as I am on this journey of ‘self love’ and appreciation.. I read into that, you have to learn to like or love that quality, or admire and respect it or at the very least tolerate it until you can do better.
My head is fuzzy and I can’t swallow and my ears are leaky… I have the Big Man’s head cold. I think he is just about tolerating my weakness as much as I tolerated his this last week.  
So maybe my thought pattern in the stillness of this morning, in between the rustling hedgerows is trying to tell me to be kind to him while he is still tired and in recovery and perhaps he will reflect some of the kindness back…  And we can be a team again. 

Today has mainly consisted of name taping, school shoe buying (6 pairs), wardrobe tidying, school bag packing, sneezing, nose blowing and Ironning in front of ‘Once Upon a Time’…
I love a good fairy tale. It seems we all love lots of fairy tales twisted in to one big tale!
Clearly the law of attraction is in play as every other line is ‘believe’, ‘believe’, ‘believe’!! 
My favourite.. From Glinda the Good Witch to the gloriously fabulous Wicked Witch of the West…
“Fate is funny… What do you believe? You shape your destiny. If you believe you are evil .. You will be, you are.”
To make one believe…. Make believe…. The imaginary…… Dreams…. Make myself believe…   My current focus in the present to make reality.
Although, it’s been a relief to busy myself today in ‘make believe’… A year ago felt like something from a bad dream: the day we said goodbye to Mumbo and the start of the toughest 6 months of my life. 

So two things on my mind this evening… my Angel son turned in to Devil spawn… and I made an appointment to see a medium.

 

It always affects me more when Tom Tom is tired and grumpy, rude and obnoxious. It’s so out of character that it surprises me.  With Willy, it is just par for the course.  That is just him – emotions high and excitable one moment, flips in a switch to dark and moody.

 

Maybe he is tired from 3 days of rugby and late nights watching the Olympics, and his brother creeping in to his bed.  He likes his sleep.  But he also loves his brother..

 

Maybe he is picking up on my tension or emotion.  I hadn’t really been emotional about Mumbo for quite some time.  Happy thoughts only, acceptance of the situation, a period of calm.  But yesterday’s magic wand question stirred up a few lost feelings.

 

Sitting with the boys, watching the Brownlee Brothers today triumph in victory in the Olympic triathlon was so special, as was seeing Alistair slow down to watch and wait for his brother, even more so how they lay side by side and congratulated each other.  As a mother, I shed a tear or two.  I can only imagine how proud their mother must be of them.  What an incredible example to the sport, to Great Britain and to their family.

 

The boys must have taken it all in.  Tom’s behaviour lifted and he held my hand and stayed close as we walked through the beautiful Yorkshire cornfields, while Willy ran and ran.  And then ran some more when we got home.  On asking him why he was running so much, he answered, ‘because I need to beat Tom, I going to be the little brother who wins.’  So Willy!

 

And then I went blackberrying.  Willy and I got a huge stash of the first sweet, juicy black fruits… and that just made me think of Mumbo.  She was the Blackerry Queen.

 

And so I took the hint and ran the number my friend gave me.

A friend asked me today – If you had a magic wand with one wish to do anything or be anything – what would you wish for?

 

Without hesitation my response was that I would wish my Mumbo to be alive, sat with me in my garden, Alzheimer’s free, watching my sons, enjoying the warmth of the sun, feeling her pride and love for them and me.  Being able to share my secrets, my hopes and my dreams with her and know that she believed in me, no matter what.

 

It rather took me by surprise.

 

I don’t know why it did or why it should have done.  There’s no shame in missing my mum. There’s no shame in still feeling cheated that she has missed out on my favourite years – these ones, with my little boys watching them grow, these ones as I find true self, watching myself grow.  There’s no shame in feeling angry that she wasn’t here when I needed her most, these past years, through some of the toughest, darkest and most challenging days.

 

As we reflected on my answer, I shared my surprise with my friend.   With all my big plans and dreams, I would have thought my wish would have been to be a best selling author now or to be at the top of my profession in network marketing now,  and therefore feeling immense pride, satisfaction and fulfilled at the same time as feeling grateful, humbled from all the lives I have touched through my written word or actions to build a business.

 

But then maybe instinct played a part here.  Maybe my gut played a part here.  Maybe my belief in myself played a part here.

 

And maybe that is why I wished for something I know that cannot come true?  Rather than wishing for something I know that I can make come true through intention, hard work, passion and belief.

 

We also ascertained in the same conversation, that I actually see ‘hard work’ as a good thing, a challenge and exciting.. rather than doing something I don’t like!

 

So yes – if I had a magic wand… I wish I could bring my Mum back to sit next to me on my bench and hold my hand, let her stroke my head and let me pour out my heart without holding back.