So, if yesterday was about the happiness obsession, today is about the positivity obsession.

I couldn’t sleep last night.  2 years ago, my Mumbo died at 1.45am.

I went through a period of time when I was obsessed with positivity, how thoughts and beliefs drive your reality.  I would bat bad feelings and negative thoughts and emotions away with good vibes.  Even when Mumbo died, I did the same, focussed on the positive and how much better she was out of her Alzheimer’s cage, free to the world again.

I realise now, all I did was trap in my grief.  All of it became intertwined with the emotions and negative spiral of the last 16 months;  a double grief.  To protect it, I closed my heart and it destroyed my peace..

While there is so much good work going on around the world about positivity, I have found in order to let go of any negative thought patterns, you have to let the sadness in, so that it can work its way out.  Suppression of an emotion is just a way to magnify it.

There will be so many times in life that we grieve a loss;  whether it be for a person, a life, a job, a belonging.  And that grief is just the price we pay for loving.  If we didn’t grieve, if we didn’t feel sad, lonely, despair and alone, if we didn’t feel those feelings, then we are almost as dead and gone as those that we have lost.

Marianne Williamson says that love is energy and the source of the only truth;  anything that is not borne of love is just an hallucination.

So today, I allowed the melancholy in.  The melancholy that is born of a love for the one who bore me.

In doing so I was rewarded with the sight of a beautiful sculpture of a kingfisher diving.  Shortly after she died, my Mumbo came to me in a guided meditation as a glorious Kingfisher.  As I marvelled at the beauty of this creation, I felt her energy and her love around me.

Today, I listened to a fascinating talk on happiness. And I have thought and mused and sought out happiness in this last year.  Happiness is an obsession, for me, for many.  I have learnt you can choose to be happy.  Most of the time.  I have learnt, though, that forced happiness is just false, fake and just doesn’t make you happy at all.

Happiness can also be a state of being;  but to be happy, you have to have something that is driving you, motivating you, making you feel alive!  In times of deep sadness, that is something very hard to do, when all you want to do is just try to stay alive.

In this fascinating Ted Talk, she talked about happiness being present when you had meaning in your life and feeling as though you were contributing to something more than just yourself. She described how meaning came from 4 pillars, not always equal, but present and gave you a reason to live and survive:

• A feeling of belonging and feeling that you are valued for who you are, not what you do.
• Having a purpose, which is more about giving, rather than getting, using your strengths to serve rather than take.
• Have moments of transcendence, when you feel connected to yourself or something bigger; when you get yourself lost in time and space.
• And have the ability to story tell. Not to others, but the ability to watch the stories you tell yourself and see it from different perspectives;  rather than be the victim in your story, rewrite it so you are the heroine, the victor, the student.  You allow yourself to see and focus on the good.

I found myself nodding along in acquiescence.  This time last year, I desperately wanted to be happy, feel happiness.  But my pillars had been shattered.  I didn’t feel valued for who I was, I had lost all sense of purpose, I could only see one version of a story that was killing me and the only place I lost myself in, was that crippling story.

It takes work to build those pillars.  A conscious choice to rebuild them.  And over the year, I have thought (and written) about each one, painstakingly taking each brick to a column and cementing it in.

And today, I am proud of my pillars of meaning.

I am valued for who I am, not just as a mother, partner, homemaker, health coach….  But for me.  Just me.  I value myself again.  And in doing so, I feel that others do too.

I have a purpose and many reasons to live and survive.  I have these two gorgeous, growing boys, a business that contributes to the wider community using all my strengths and passions, a soulmate whose dreams are intertwined with mine, family and friends all around.

Each day I find that I am lost in a zone; when I write, when I coach, when I am mindful, when I run, walk or play. When I spend an afternoon with a gorgeous friend, walking and talking. I give myself permission to do the things I love and, in those moments, I find myself and joy.

And I have rewritten my story.  The thriller turned love story.  The victim with a bleeding heart to the heroine healing the hearts of others. … (Well! why not, it’s my story!!!).

As a mother, your gut instinct tells you when your child is not happy, when they are not ill, when they are faking, when it’s real.

For the last few nights, tears and a little ashen face was unlikely because he was missing Granny Annie.  The smart little boy already knows how to trick me…

But not for long.  One night, maybe.  But two.  No.

A trick to get me to hug him, spend time with him, give him attention and cuddles.  But a son should never need to trick a mother in to doing that.  Especially this mother, this son.They are always readily available and he knows that.

There is a campaign running at the moment #timetotalk all over social media, raising awareness of mental health.  Mental health can stem from the smallest of worries, doubts or concerns, growing like a snowball if you don’t catch it quick enough.  The snowball can keep rolling, gathering more impetus, gathering more negativity until it avalanches into anxiety and a snow drift of depression.

The campaign urges people to reach out to those who look like they are suffering and lend their ears and their hearts.  And it is a light to shine on those in the dark to be brave and to seek out someone to listen, someone to listen without judgement, critique, opinion or give them the answers.

While tickling his back, as he lay in the darkness, I asked him to be brave and share what was troubling him;  what was making him pale and sad.  I asked him to let the worries out, that it was safe to do so, whatever it was.

The mother that I am, with a wild imagination, was genuinely relieved at the little voice that spoke up.  And proud that he had.  Something huge to him;  something so insignificant in the grand scheme of adult experience.  With the cuddles and kisses that followed, I told him of my pride of his bravery and that we could find the solution together, the one he felt most comfortable with.

He is a different boy tonight.  No different to any other boy turned man, girl turned woman.  And his worry melted away.  No more snowball.

I woke up to the sound of banging and clattering;  first in the garden, then at the door, on the stairs in the bathroom, drifting in and out of sleep and semi-consciousness.  I woke to the sounds of the boys muffled voices but it wasn’t time to wake up.  I woke up to a big moon face beaming at me in the soft light of the bedroom as he swayed happily.

 

On a week night, I was pretty disappointed in his selfishness, waking up the household when we don’t have the luxury of a flexible morning ahead.

 

He was banished to the spare room, his snoring still rattling the house, but at least not next to my ear.

 

As he crept out of the spareroom sheepishly, late this morning, oblivious to the usual manic morning, he explained his unthinking acts  were born out of overwhelming love for us all and happiness to be home with us.  His selfishness, now returned to a childlike enthusiasm endeared me, just like it did a couple of decades ago.

 

It endeared me so much, I felt the soft flutterings of the wings of my heart.  The wings that have been steadfastly protecting my vulnerable, recently uncaged heart.  I didn’t realise that that had been the case…

 

But an exercise I did today to understand the 5 elements of relationships made me understand that this had been happening.  The 5 elements are friendship, love, touch, intimacy and sex.  Apparently many are confused between the need and desire for one, but look for it in another.  We can also mistakenly believe that we can get all 5 elements from just one person.

 

The love element was the one that stuck out for me.  Historically, I have given out my love so freely and I have felt that it has been abused, not just by one but many;  on recognising that, the grilled sides of the cage locked down.  It has been a consistent and gentle prizing open of the locks, a widening of bars but the cage was removed some time towards the end of the Autumn last year.

 

And yet my heart hasn’t been feeling free to love uninhibited.  But today, I felt those first flutterings of a potential freedom.

 

It is not lost on me that almost 2 years ago, I wrote about my Mumbo and her strong heart, keeping her going for the love of her family and her Man.  And I am so much more like her than I ever realised.

 

With the Big Man out with work, it is cold (I am still freaking out at having nearly blown up the house by touching the plumbing system… ), so I am just making myself a turmeric latte to keep me warm and also stop me reaching for the chocolate tin; something sweet and comforting as he isn’t here to do that for me.

I am also sat wondering at the completed circle of life in front me.  And at the previous sentence.

We are all so quick to congratulate friends and colleagues on achievements, the work they have done, the accolades they win, promotions they deserve, exciting life events.  But do we congratulate ourselves enough?  I am not sure we take the time to do so.

This morning, as I was driving to the gym, I found myself on the verge of sobbing.  Quite out of the blue.  It dawned on me that these dates, these days not only last year, but the year before were in their different ways, sad, traumatic and incredibly emotional.  I was grieving.  I was at the bottom of an ocean watching my breath bubbles.

Had I done my circle of life in those times, the dots would have been far different to the one I have drawn today.  Just 12 months ago, they would have been pretty close to the centre of the colourful pie.  There was no joy.  My relationship was in shattered pieces, turning to dust.  My shame and embarrassment prevented any form of social life.  My health was at an all time low, suffering from a lack of food, exercise a necessary form of meditation but lacked energy and motivation, with my business closed, my income and career were rock bottom.  The only things that were perhaps a little off centre were creativity with my writing, education from research in how to make myself heal and be happy and spirituality, my lifeline to myself and a faith in ‘something bigger’, something that had my back.

And yet today, here I am, telling a completely different story. All my dots towards the perimeter of the circle of life, or if not, on a trajectory leading to the edge.

Maybe my tears, my sob was recognition.  Maybe it was relief.  Maybe it was a little exhaustion.

But right now, my feelings are none of those.  Like the warm, sweet, honeyed turmeric milk warming my tummy, my feelings of pride and peace warm my heart and soul.  It has been a tough ride and hard work.  But my resilience and determination has paid off.

And I congratulate myself.

Today, I flipped over my daily quote cards and it said ‘The Universe has my Back’.  And immediately, I wondered what wasn’t going to go exactly as I had planned or hoped for.

 

And then I carried on with my day.  Put it to the back of my mind and had a lovely day with the boys;  a very relaxed kind of day, playing with lego, searching for missing pieces, enjoying the afternoon sunshine with a rugby ball and a tennis ball, clambering over the ruins of Fountains Abbey and sprinting back up the hill and home for hot chocolate.

 

It was only when I checked my email and saw that my exciting plans and agreements had been kiboshed.  My abundance refused.

 

As I was chopping the butternut squash in frustration, the words came back to me.  ‘The Universe has my back.’  It is just a redirection.  These plans were not meant for me and I am being gently lead towards something better.   And my frustration lifted and I let it go.  My vibrational frequency, relaxing to a higher note.

 

I wish they taught this stuff at school. I wish I had been taught it at a much earlier age too… it would have lessened so much heartache and disappointment and freeing up my head and heart space for better things.

 

I have two heads on my lap… both noisy. One gently snoring and one loudly purring.

A very comforting end to a super Sunday. In fact just another ingredient to add in to my recipe for a perfect sunday… a family lie in, reading in bed with my big boy, cooking up a storm, a run in the rain racing to get back in time for the roast! All followed by a very relaxing afternoon with lovely friends, eating, drinking, laughing, debating, dancing, competing and loving.

My god, they are noisy!

Today, I did what I had been intending to do all week and make a start on another chapter of my book.  The initial words came to me in the early hours of the morning, waking me up.   I love how they do that… but it is only when I sit down to write, does the rest of it flow.  I am not sure where it comes from. I don’t even think it is my brain that is writing… my fingers just flow and the words end up on the screen.

In completing those first few sentences that flew across my consciousness this morning, so much more came out.  And I really liked what I had to say…

There comes a time, when you have to start moving forward and looking ahead, rather than revisiting the past or replaying the painful showreel of the trauma that devastated you.

This will take time.  But as with anything, it is the first step that counts.  It is the decision to focus more on what you want the next chapter to be.  And sometimes, this may be how you are going to start a new book. Either way, it is intention here that counts.

Eventually, you will find that you are at a natural ending.  The full stop at the end of the last sentence will mean so much.  Closure.  And you are finally free to move on.  It may end up being something you do with absolute consciousness or you may find that it happened and you didn’t even notice, you just recognise the feeling of peace.

Looking back now, it is obvious to see what have been chapters in my life and what has been a book.  My childhood was a book, with many happy chapters of each age group, school and university, friends and family the main players of the story.

My young adulthood has been another book.  The chapters in this book have been more varied and have contained multiple parts or sub-books.  One for my career and work, with chapters on management consultancy in big firms, small firms and for myself, working in industry and then starting my own network marketing business.  Another part for my family, where chapters show the transition from one to another, the creation of new life and ultimately, the loss of life of those you love.  The last part reflects my one significant relationship, with chapters on getting serious, marriage and the honeymoon period, 2 becoming 4, the juggling act and the final collapse.

Each of the chapters ran their course and came to natural endings.  And so did the books.

I remember feeling that I would never be able to end the chapter on my marriage.  I wasn’t ready to close the book on my young adulthood, my youth, my naivety.  I lived it, re-lived it and felt stuck in the depths of the oceans of despair and depression.  But while I was stuck in that chapter, I knew I couldn’t move on to the subsequent chapters.  I could see the blank pages of what could come next but I was too frightened to put pen to paper for fear of making the wrong decision.

I am a strong believer that emotions should not be squashed or pushed down, avoided or ignored.  All the feelings had a place in this final part of the book and they had to be endured.  If I tried to end the chapters too quickly, I would find myself re-reading the pages, stuck and unhappy, lost and lonely, angry and frustrated.

In the end, I kept the last chapter open, but started to draft the next book.  It had to be a book.  The only way to move on with my life was to write the epilogue and end the book.  I knew I had to write the final page and bind it together in leather and put on a bookshelf to get dusty. But first I had to start the prologue of the next book of my life.  It took courage and imagination.  Courage to believe that my life could be a better version than it was in the present.  Imagination because it had to be different to anything I had done before.  I had to draw a line under the marriage, the life we had, where we lived, what I did, my business and everything associated to it.  Anything that triggered a memory and through me back in to a post traumatic state, needed to be gently and firmly written out.  Only the key players and positive influences would be taken forward into the next book.

The two chapters were interwoven.  And eventually, when the prologue was written, I could completer the epilogue of the last.  I didn’t realise that that is exactly what I had done, until this moment.

Happiness.  The magic formula for happiness is different for everyone.  I am learning that it is such a personal thing; what makes it, what sustains it, what makes it grow.

 

I have learnt that happiness is something you find within yourself, in the times of light but also in the darker ones.

I have learnt that by giving, by contributing and making others happy, magnifies your own happiness.

I have also learnt that what you think might make you happy, actually isn’t.

I have learnt that the simplest of things are often the biggest sources of happiness.

I have also learnt, this time last year, that Happiness comes in the form of the most beautiful woman.

I have learnt that you may think that all happiness is lost. But I have also learnt that that is not the case.  That you can heal yourself back to happiness.

 

“The noblest art is that of making people happy.”  The words of PT Barnum blazoned across the big screen this evening, I took as a huge sign, that I am on the right path.  My coaching practice “Heal yourself Happy” will be my vehicle to show others how they can do the same.

 

The whole, brilliant film was also another message from the Universe.  The ambitious man with a dream, a young innocent love and a couple with ‘a million dreams’ for the world they were going to create.  An exotic European distraction was also not lost on me and the devastation of his castle, his world crashing down in a wall of flames.  But out of the ashes, a wiser, more authentic, grateful, genuine man who learnt the hard way exactly who and what makes him happy and with a steely determination to recreate and rebuild a far more beautiful and happier world, not only for him, but more for all those around him.

 

The magic formula for me, happiness is singing loudly, dancing in the kitchen with my family…. And the face that ‘A million dreams are keeping me awake’, all happy ones, all about happiness for me and all the people I know I am going to help.  No longer the sad dreams and nightmares of the past.

 

 

 

 

Some things went well today and some things didn’t.

 

A redirection to a new spin class, went well!  It was good to get back in the saddle.

 

Stepping out of my comfort zone and asking for help for my new coaching practice on social media, also went well! I am looking forward to putting my experience of coaching and health to good use…  It makes my tummy squirm with butterflies, in a good way.

 

This week’s coursework and test, went really well.  Full marks.

 

My intention to write the next chapter of my book, did not go well.  In fact, didn’t start.   Even though, I had set time aside to ‘make the donuts’ (writer Dani Shapiro’s way of getting herself to write when she didn’t feel inspired to).

 

My intention to write the next blog for my health and coaching website, also did not materialise.  I floundered between two topics, worrying that it wouldn’t be engaging or useful enough.  I just need to write it.  Get the words out of my head.

 

I sit here frustrated, just a little, that I didn’t spend the time that I had set aside this afternoon for this intention.  I love writing.  I have so much in my head, so many topics, phrases, ideas and it is such a release to let it all out and let it go forth out there.  And find whomever it needs to find.

 

The frustration, I am letting slip away.  For during the time I had set aside, I made good progress in so many other intentions for 2018.  So there is going to be a little dance of priorities going on.  Just because it didn’t get done today, doesn’t mean it won’t when the time is right.  And the frustration is only because of the expectation, I put on myself.  The good stuff got done.

 

I have also learnt that my boys pick up on my frustration and tension.  So, I had to let it go.  My biggest intention for this year is to be present with them, when they are at home in the evenings after school.  No phones, no work, no social media. Just me and them.  Connecting.  It is amazing how much more calm everyone is.

 

And so, I will congratulate myself.  With a little chocolate and a little wine… and some of my favourite tv show – Delicious!