I woke up to the sound of banging and clattering;  first in the garden, then at the door, on the stairs in the bathroom, drifting in and out of sleep and semi-consciousness.  I woke to the sounds of the boys muffled voices but it wasn’t time to wake up.  I woke up to a big moon face beaming at me in the soft light of the bedroom as he swayed happily.

 

On a week night, I was pretty disappointed in his selfishness, waking up the household when we don’t have the luxury of a flexible morning ahead.

 

He was banished to the spare room, his snoring still rattling the house, but at least not next to my ear.

 

As he crept out of the spareroom sheepishly, late this morning, oblivious to the usual manic morning, he explained his unthinking acts  were born out of overwhelming love for us all and happiness to be home with us.  His selfishness, now returned to a childlike enthusiasm endeared me, just like it did a couple of decades ago.

 

It endeared me so much, I felt the soft flutterings of the wings of my heart.  The wings that have been steadfastly protecting my vulnerable, recently uncaged heart.  I didn’t realise that that had been the case…

 

But an exercise I did today to understand the 5 elements of relationships made me understand that this had been happening.  The 5 elements are friendship, love, touch, intimacy and sex.  Apparently many are confused between the need and desire for one, but look for it in another.  We can also mistakenly believe that we can get all 5 elements from just one person.

 

The love element was the one that stuck out for me.  Historically, I have given out my love so freely and I have felt that it has been abused, not just by one but many;  on recognising that, the grilled sides of the cage locked down.  It has been a consistent and gentle prizing open of the locks, a widening of bars but the cage was removed some time towards the end of the Autumn last year.

 

And yet my heart hasn’t been feeling free to love uninhibited.  But today, I felt those first flutterings of a potential freedom.

 

It is not lost on me that almost 2 years ago, I wrote about my Mumbo and her strong heart, keeping her going for the love of her family and her Man.  And I am so much more like her than I ever realised.