Lists and goals, goals and lists…

They kind of go hand in hand!

 

My short term goal is to get to the rugby club fundraiser ball on Friday night on time, without feeling stressed and ripping my tights.  To do that my list contains actions to organise babysitter, buy multiple pairs of tights, choose a dress from the cupboard, organise taxis…

 

My long term goal is to lead a happy, balanced, stress free life while bringing up two well rounded, kind, brave, loving, brilliant young men and keep a marriage alive.

 

That list of actions is pages long.

 

It varies from things I need to remember to order from Ocado to booking camps, buying birthday presents and then to organising educational ‘Healthy Happy Hour’ workshops, not forgetting all topics for articles I want to write and then articles I want to read, youtube clips I want to watch, books I want to read… people I want to see.

 

The list goes on.

 

At the beginning of each morning, I usually write a sub-list for the day and then star absolute priorities.

 

As I sit here today, this evening…. My list looks the same as it did this morning!  Nothing ticked off ….  I wonder whether that makes it an unproductive day?  It doesn’t feel like it was unproductive…  but my list doesn’t demonstrate that.

 

Oh yes – I can tick off ‘blog’!  (How satisfying….)

 

Time to tick off the next one…. Except I have to get Tom from Beavers, Willy to bed… and I totally forgot to get something for our supper!  It wasn’t on my list.

 

Bugger.

 

I’ll use the same list tomorrow!

 

 

Today it was all confirmed!  I start work next Tuesday at 9am!

 

I am super excited because it is exactly what I cosmically ordered on being told I had to get a ‘proper job’ (apparently looking after children full time or having my own business does not count… and let’s not get started on volunteering!)…

 

If I was to get a job, I got my coloured pencils and a big sheet of paper and wrote down all the things that would make me want to go to ‘work’… flexible, local, within a fun, friendly environment, with nice people, the opportunity to do things I love, the opportunity to learn new things…

 

On Tuesday at 9am, I get to do all those things!

 

And while I am so excited to get started, I am feeling tense and anxious at the same time….

 

It may be something radically different to my previous career, but yet there are strong synergies – the technology, the move to online matches my 20 years in retailing and designing and delivering IT and multichannel systems – and growing revenue through sales is not anything different than business development in the consulting world, nor different to growing my botanical personal care and nutrition business:  find a need, offer a service or product to fill the need.

 

So it can’t be the job or work itself…

 

So maybe that excitement is also nerves because we have had so much change recently and this is just another change on top of a lot of change already.  I would just love some sameness, boredom.  I know I wouldn’t… not really.  I hate being bored.

 

So it must be the unknown impact that this new change is going to have on our lives, or my life in particular again.  Adding in just another ball to all the ones I am currently juggling.

 

I know what having too much going on can do to me, my health, the happiness of the boys.  It is why I stopped having a ‘proper job’ in the first place.

 

I can feel myself getting all worked up and stressed.  Especially when I get asked if we are having ‘boring chicken or exciting chicken’ for supper….. next week, we may be lucky to have any f*cking chicken at all!

 

There we go – told you I was getting stressed.

 

Breathe.

 

So I am reminding myself… my ‘proper job’ was hugely intense, high pressure, senior positions, working for lots of money, putting my neck on the line and working for sometimes wonderful people and others not so… working in good companies… and others not so.

 

This new work and all the work I do is FUN.

 

How can you not have fun singing tunes in the car and counting all the fun stuff you did in the day?

How can you not have fun learning about the planet and the stars and dinosaurs while having tea… or playing swingball til your arm hurts from missing it so many times and your tummy hurts from laughing so much?

How can you not have fun strategizing and planning and imagining the future with business partners who are considered your closest friends over a yummy deli lunch?

How can you not have fun while laughing with friends on the phone who you are trying to help with various ailments, conditions or goals?

How can you not have fun learning new things, meeting new people?

 

It will all be fine… even if we do have boring chicken every night.

 

So today, the question I have been pondering is how do you or how does one find inner strength?

 

How do you find the physical strength?

 

How does one find the mental strength?

 

On hearing stories of inhumane, hulk-like strength of women, men, parents in order to save the lives of their offspring… what is it that gives them the super human power to save a life?  Is it the imagination of the unthinkable, that makes them dig deep and find inner strength?

 

On hearing stories of endurance through intense conditions, hot or cold, what is it that gives these athletes the ability to keep going?  Is it the ability to focus the mind to ignore the blisters, the frost bite, the pain and search inside themselves to find that inner strength?

 

On hearing and sharing life’s personal battles, what is it that makes each one of us decide to change rather than continue to be unhappy, continue to grumble and complain? Is it because we allow reality to get so bad, that we have no other choice but to dig deep, find that strength to say ‘enough’ and be brave to make decisions and changes to make it better?

 

It seems that inner strength is always with us.  Just hidden or kept safe under lock and key for ’emergencies only’.

 

Imagine if we didn’t have to wait for unimaginable, life threatening, life testing situations in order to harness it to make us do incredible things.

 

Imagine that.

 

I came home this evening to a package in the post from Bambi.  It was the perfect answer to my ponderings of inner strength.

 

You can find your inner strength all the more easily when you know you have good friends and family who are there to ignite it, bolster and support it and make it even stronger.

 

Some days I wonder what on earth I will write.  Just another day on the merry go round of being a Mum getting kids to school, running a home, a business, a quick catch up and coffee with friends, finding time and ways to live a meaningful life…

 

And then just as I think that… as I am picking up piles of sports kit and abandoned uniform (left by the laundry bin, not in it!!!!), I overhear a conversation coming from the bathroom…

 

Tom:  ooooh… that is WAY too hot.  I can’t get in there…

 

Willy:  Yes you can Tom.  Whenever I think I can’t do something… like at a challenge or something, I tell myself ‘I CAN’… and then I do it.  Easy.  You do it.

 

Tom:  Ok. I’ll try.

 

Willy:  No Tom.  There is no such thing as trying.  Only doing.

 

…

 

If I die tonight, my work here is done.

 

Brothers who love each other, help each other, cheer each other on…

 

Hearing my words, duplicated in the voice of student, my child.

 

With gratitude and love for my boys… Amen.

 

Today was a Super Satisfying Sunday…

 

40km cycling around the beautiful lanes of West Yorkshire early this morning

30 minutes warming up, muscle soaking in a hot salty bath

28 lavender plants snug in their new beds

27 runs scored by Tom with his new bat

25 runs scored by Willy…

20 different tennis rackets held, swung and tested by Willy before he found the right one

10 speedy minutes it took Willy to wolf down his pasta bolognaise at Jamie’s Italian

9 minute supermarket shop for pizzas and popcorn, strawberries and blueberries

8 new golf balls to keep Granny’s safe…

7 balls each bowled to test Tom’s new corky ‘air’ ball

6 new tennis balls to replace the lost ones…

5 tablecloth sized shirts ironed, mostly blue, hung up in the Big Man’s cupboard

4 bike wheels always ahead of me of the 2 friends who took me under their wings

3 bowls of popcorn and sweet treats all ready for movie night

2 blue feet, 2 green legs… still… from the bubble run!

1 big Man seen off on the train to Edinburgh…

and 1 tired Mummy ready for bed…

 

 

Totally released my inner child today!

 

Ran down hills waving my arms, trying to catch Tom and his pal Alfred…. Danced in coloured foaming bubbles and tried to keep everyone from trampling on the boys doing bubble angels… I wore a silly wig, a cap that didn’t fit, a tutu and clothes that didn’t match… and didn’t care in the slightest..

 

And because I loved it so much, I went back and did it again ….

 

The second time, I was walking with a little boy who hated to run.  He wanted to sit down on the floor.  He was gorgeous. And I wanted to carry him all the way round…

 

It was an interesting ‘lesson’.

 

He was having a tough time.  He wasn’t really enjoying it, he was tired.

 

So his Mum and I had to find a way to distract him, not realise he had to walk so far.  He didn’t want to talk about his favourite tv programme or his favourite food… however, on the topic of chess…. He taught us all the names of pieces (not horses or prawns!) but Knights and Pawns… there were even Kings and Queens!  He explained ‘check mate’ and how the pieces moved.

 

He was animated and his feet and pace picked up… and he wanted to run through the bubbles with a beam on his face!  And all of the sudden, we were at the end… and he ran through the finishing posts – a real champion.

 

So the lesson… while you know you have to do something, can’t quit, have to get through it… find a distraction.  Find a distraction to do, think about, talk about that you love so much that you do everything else you need to do, don’t want to do without realising.

 

Distract yourself and focus on the things you love, not the things you don’t.

 

Sometimes I write something and I keep it to myself, not wanting to share it. I keep it saved in my notes… And then write something else. 
But then that’s not what this blog was about. It was about authenticity. 
I feel like I am playing a small part in someone else’s life. And if I don’t play the appropriate part, I am not worthy, not good enough: a constant fight against doing what feels right for me and what is right for others. 
I feel suffocated. 
No amount of running, fast running is enough to get away or feel like I am escaping.
I want to play the part in my life. I want to play a part in a collective life with others who are playing a part in their life, all interwoven, complementary. 
Is that possible when you are so small?
I keep coming back to freedom. 
Space .

A couple of years ago, I heard the motivational speaker Dr Ro live.  He hypnotised 800 of us and I can still see clearly the images and experience that he walked us through and it still brings tears to my eyes.

 

So I bought his book.

 

And from that book, I took away the importance of daily affirmations or daily declarations or daily pep talk – however you want to put it, feeding your mind with positive thoughts about yourself and your life.

 

Initially, I was sceptical.  However, I then went on to read that the most highly effective and successful people all have and religiously say affirmations.

 

So I gave it a go. I wrote down a few things negative things that I thought about myself… And I wrote down the reverse:  I am a success.  I am loving being happy.  I am full of vitality, energy and lean, etc.  And I wrote them down, stuck them to my vanity mirror and said them daily to myself as I dried my hair (no one else could hear me then… especially my sceptical Yorkshire husband!).

 

And it started to work.  My thoughts started to justify the positive statements until I believed it…

 

So every few months, I rewrite them.  I start with the negative thoughts and feelings and write down positive, reverse declarations.

 

I wrote new ones while I was in Vegas…

 

My negative thought was that I always feel guilty when I do something just for me, if it isn’t related directly to looking after the boys, making the Big Man’s life easier, doing something for the house, the family, for someone else, for the community at large…. I felt so guilty that it made me anxious.

 

So my new affirmation for the last few days:  ‘I am making time to do things I love daily, guilt free’.

 

Despite being told I was selfish and inconsiderate, I chose not to believe it and today absolutely loved going for a 2 hour bike ride with a friend, being at one with the beautiful Yorkshire countryside.

 

Just for me.

 

And it felt really good.

 

 

 

Today I needed some Eckhart Tolle’s ‘The Power of Now’… he has helped me through a tough time before and he has helped me with his words again today.

 

‘Yet what is even more awe-inspiring is the infinity of space itself, the depth and stillness that allows all of that magnificence to be.  Nothing could be more awe-inspiring and majestic than the inconceivable vastness and stillness of space…’

 

I went to Las Vegas, I left my family and life for a week to get some distance, some space.  To get some perspective on what I had left behind and to allow what was inside of me being stifled, come out.

 

‘And the greatest miracle is this:  That stillness and vastness that enables the universe to be, is not just out there in space – it is also within you’.

 

Today I asked for more space, so that I can find it within me.  So I stop disappearing in to a black hole and therefore, allow my light to keep shining.  So that I can live in the present moment of time, rather than remember the disappointments and sadness of the past or worry, feel anxious about the future.

 

Space to breathe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cosmic ordering…

 

It’s come up twice today.

 

Once in a conversation with a friend who shared that she has been doing some.. the results of her first two requests aren’t yet apparent, but the third on her order was being given in spades!

 

The other time was with my Dad on the phone today.  He was sounding so happy and relaxed that it made tears prick in my eyes ..

 

A few months ago, Dad shared with me that he might like to start dating again, finding a friend, someone to hang out with and do stuff with.  At the time, I was a little taken aback, as it hadn’t really crossed my mind.  But that surprise was only for a moment.  My Dad is amazing.  He has been a true legend in my eyes for the last decade, being so patient, kind, loving, caring to my Mum.  Standing by her right to the end, his presence always a comfort to Mum aswell as Bambi and I.

 

He and Mum met through a dating agency 44 years ago, so he was really proud to share with us his online dating profile… and how many women were contacting him!  He went on one or two meetings… but it wasn’t quite right.

 

Dad isn’t a big believer of the spiritual world, the cosmic universe…. So maybe I tricked him a little… but I did do some cosmic ordering on his behalf.  We sat over coffee one day and I asked him what he was looking for, what did he want in a companion or a girlfriend even.

 

“What else?” I kept asking.

 

He spoke from his heart … and shared what and who he would love to share his last years with.

 

He is so happy today because I believe the universe answered my cosmic ordering on his behalf.

 

He found her, standing in the pouring rain, under a bus stop.  He offered her a lift home.  She denied it with thanks.  Dad persisted.  She accepted… and pretty much since then, they have been inseparable in their spare time.  In between golf and bowls for her and tennis and racket ball for my Dad, their grandchildren and families, they spend the time in the garden, going for walks, watching the rugby, enjoying the casseroles my Dad cooks!  And of course the infamous bread a butter pudding.

 

Lyra, my little 5 year old niece is delighted she has a Granny again.  And the boys and I can’t wait to meet the lady who has made my Dad look and feel young again.

 

Thank you universe…thank you for fulfilling and delivering way over and above expectations.

 

…. Maybe I should try it for myself?!…. now what shall I order?!