It’s been one of those days where I have leapt from one thing to the next from 6.43am wake up until now – 10.23pm… I am so ready for bed.. But I have thoughts running through my head following listening to a new audiobook on my way home… The unthethered soul. A book I have been recommended by many but not yet gotten round to, until now. I needed a break from ruby wax’s ‘frazzled’. She was frazzling my brain. 
So at the end of chapter 2 I am just beginning to feel smug. I get the whole watcher of your thoughts… I am a witness to the voices in my head and even made them in to characters to make awareness and consciousness easier.
But as I turn into the drive, the voice on the tape says I need to reclaim my mind… I need to release the hold that they have on me and therefore my life. 
I have to reclaim my life!
Powerful stuff.
But won’t I be lonely without dear timid, frightened, protective Dobby? Won’t i falter in my purpose without Snow White cheering me on and keeping my spirits up with her singing?
Do I want to reclaim my life???
I wonder what the next chapter says…

I used to think that meditation and mindfulness was or dreadlocked hippies in some mountainous commune, with ganja pipes and bongos.

 

What I didn’t realise is how many successful, powerful, wealthy, ‘normal’ people practice mindfulness, stillness, silence in the form of quiet meditation.

 

I’m still no master but I can still my mind for longer than a minute or even 5 minutes now. In fact, I did 17 minutes today!  I even had an outer body experience as I chose to do a guided healing meditation as I was feeling so tired after too much of life, fun and triathlons!

 

I am a much calmer me this week for making time for mindfulness than I was the angry bird of last week, with a noisy head and busy schedule.

 

I am no hippy, no powerhouse but I can confirm that quiet contemplation, emptying ones mind also works for the average housewife / business owner / wife & mother / employee…

 

I am as chilled as a cool cucumber!

 

While I was cycling away on the bike bit of the triathlon, a phrase I have heard many times was on a loop in my head…

 

‘The way you do anything, is how you do everything’….

 

It made me think of the old me.  The cynic.  The negative Norma.  The moaner, complainer and blamer.  The old me would never have considered a triathlon.

 

So what had changed?  My attitude. My perspective on life. My belief that I could be different, even make a difference.  My core values that I hold so close now that help guide and steer me through life’s labyrinth.

 

At the beginning of this year, when I was finding words, phrases and pictures for how I wanted 2016 to play out, I found a picture that said ‘Live with the 3 E’s… Energy, Enthusiasm Empathy’.  I loved it, so stuck it on my vision board for 2016 and each morning while I brush my teeth I look at those 3 words to remind myself that those are the qualities that I will live out my day with.  Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.

 

So I agreed to do the triathlon because I was living with energy and enthusiasm! And when it took me over 2 hours to recover all my missing bags and gear, from locations different to where they said they would be, I reminded myself silently that I live with empathy as well as energy and enthusiasm.  So rather than live with angry energy, I lived with empathy for the organisers who had nearly 10,000 people’s kit to move around Leeds.  I may have cried when I finally reached the car as I was all out of energy and enthusiasm, but I still had empathy.

 

When the pain hit me on the run, I kept my mind busy on other things and started to think of other qualities that I could choose to be living by…

 

The 3 A’s – Live with authenticity, animation and adventure!

The 3 B’s – Be bold, brave and brilliant!

The 3 C’s – Have courage, commitment and calm.

The 3 D’s – Be dedicated, determined and a dream chaser!

The 3 G’s was one of my favourite – live with gratitude, grace and grit…

….

 

I could go on!  But I loved the simplicity of living by 3 values and applying them to every day life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A very wise man told me his philosophy for life: ‘work hard, play hard and exercise’.

 

The same wise man also had a phrase that I remember him saying quite a bit: ‘we may not be able to afford it, but can we afford not to?’  And then we would always do whatever it is he thought we couldn’t afford….financially or time wise.

 

As a parent myself now, I have seen that children duplicate more of what they see in practice more than what they are told and so I guess I also live by my Dad’s (aka wise man) way of life.

 

In the last month or so, having come out of the grief haze, I have definitely done the work hard, play hard and exercise .. perhaps even exercised hard!

 

So today – I lived by the second – I threw my lists aside (lists are another thing I have inherited) and told myself although I couldn’t afford the time off, I couldn’t afford not to.  So after depositing small boys in school, I climbed back into bed, curled up under the duvet and allowed myself the one thing I don’t do that often – rest.

 

And ate a tube of oreo cookies.  With ice cream.  Sounds like DJ too!

 

As I sit here this evening, resuming ‘Mummy’ duties of lego and feeding pasta to Willy, I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed..  with exhaustion and emotion in equal measures.

 

It feels like only yesterday that it was the 1^st October and I signed up to do my first triathlon.  A strange decision during a strange time, but which ended up being a fantastic focal point.

 

And it feels like only moments ago that I slid into the water and dunked my head for my first few breaths under water, let the cool water in through the neck of my borrowed wetsuit.

 

My goal as I set off from the house after just a mere 4 hours of sleep (2am finish after 2 fabulous parties, one 4am wake up as the Big Man got to bed and a 6am door slam as Tom got up!)…my goal, this morning was to just finish.  To get round and finish.

 

But as I slid in to the water and as the horn went off for the start, I felt the presence overhead of my Kingfisher and the voice of my Mumbo, ‘What on earth do you just want to ‘just finish’ for?  Go for it, Boo!’  And I was transported back to the lacrosse pitch of my teenage years, with my super competitive Mum racing up and down the side-lines, with her long coat billowing, her hands to her mouth shouting words of encouragement and fighting talk!

 

My Mumbo taught me to swim.  And it brings tears to my eyes as she was right there … My swim had been the bit that I dreaded the most having avoided doing any training for it and yet I surprised myself by being the first to the first buoy by a good way.

 

She appeared again as I was on my bike… fluttering just out of my vision and again she put the thought in my head that I could actually get a good time and as I was spurred on by the supporters along the route, I thought I would go for the position 4.  4 hours sleep, group W40… 4 is my lucky number.

 

Running is my thing.  I love it.   I love it for its mental clarity giving nature, the freedom of my legs swinging and the wind in my face… And this was the section I was most looking forward to.

 

And this was the one that hurt the most.  My calves were so tight and the course was weird!  All bitty and short and turny so I couldn’t get any rhythm.   And to top it, my kingfisher had gone.

 

But I had the thought of ‘4’ in my head.  So I resorted to my usual run technique of sprints and jogs… and then suddenly, there were my 4 cheer leaders waiting for me at the end… the 4 Mortimer Men of 3 generations….  And all thoughts of good times and kingfishers left my mind!  I had finished!!!

 

It was only as we sat down with the extended Mortimer family and the other Mortimer Triathlete looked up her time and she showed me mine, I realised my Mumbo Kingfisher hadn’t left me at all.  I had come 3^rd in my age category and distance.

 

3 was her lucky number… not mine.

 

 

Sometimes the anticipation is worse than the event itself. 
I’ve been more confused and nervous about getting the right kit in the right bag in the right location for my first triathlon tomorrow, than the event itself….
It’s all done. 
It took an hour to decipher the instructions and ensure I had everything ticked off.
It took over 2 hours for The Big Man to chauffeur me round 3 locations.
But we are done. 
And the distances are less than I thought!! So aiming for an hour to complete 400m open swim, 14km bike and only 2.5km… So everything is half what I anticipated. Bit of a relief… So now all I have to do is enjoy the experience!!
And first! Off to a celebration to take my mind off it… 

Some days, I sit and wonder what to write for my #365dayblogchallenge…   So much trivia in my head….

 

So I will go back to basic journalling and how I started…

• What was good about today and why?
• What wasn’t so good today, why and what would I do differently next time?
• What am I grateful for right now?

 

Today was brilliant fun!  My first experience of proper horse racing.  I have loved point to points since my teens, dolled up in my wellies and made 20p bets, drank beer from plastic cups and eaten sugary donuts on my way home with 10 people in my old brown Volvo!  Today, I got dressed up and had the most luxurious and laughter filled day as a guest of some of the loveliest people I have ever met and who the Big Man has the privilege daily to work with.  He is a lucky guy!

 

I also loved being soaked in the rain on my morning run…. A novel experience, as I would usually avoid it but I knew I needed to do it.  Loosen up before Sunday’s tri…. Plus the forecast is rain.  It was actually very enjoyable!  Cooling, refreshing… I was like a drowned rat!

 

The best bit was the couple of hours of quiet time after the boys left for school and the Big Man and I had some rare time together without being tired at the end of the day.  He may have teased me while I prioritised my mindfulness 20 minutes… ‘homming’ at me and throwing his pants on my head… but I don’t care!

 

Plus, I guess by now he knows it works for me.  And this morning, he knew I needed it after the first 40 minutes of the day were not the best.  Neither boy would wake up.  Neither little tired boy would get dressed, make their bed, eat breakfast, clean their teeth.  1 minute before their lift was due to arrive, I found Willy still in his room, by his unmade bed, in his pjyama’s playing lego.  He looked at me with big blue surprised eyes as I shouted at him to GET DRESSED!   Not my proudest moment as I lost the plot with him and then with Tom who had sprinkled shreddies all over the kitchen floor.

 

Meditation was needed to bring me down from my broken record fuelled rage.  So perhaps I need to get up before the boys, get the boys up earlier if they need longer to get ready these days as they are tired…   I have been lax on the marble challenge… I need to reintroduce the marbles for following the morning routine… Praise and incentivise, rather than shout and scream like a fish wife.

 

The other not so good experience today was seeing a beautiful bay horse pull up short just before the finish line in front of us… the owner coming running from the owner’s tent and big black sheeting go up and round very quickly.  I imagined initially to keep the horse calm by cutting out the view of the stands and noise of the crowds.  However, because we were up in the penthouse of restaurants, we could see in and over… The real reason for the black sheeting became obvious as the horse started to struggle, before falling to the floor.  The owner and jokey both leaning in to stroke the horse’s forelock and with a few final twitches of it’s legs it was still and the black sheets moved in and the horse trailer reversed in.

 

It rather shook me… but leads me rather quickly on to gratitude.

 

I am so grateful for life.  And seeing that beautiful horse racing elegantly one moment and a few short moments later lifeless in the middle of the emerald green of the race track, reminded me that life is for living, doing what you love, chasing your dreams and your goals … for you just don’t know when it will change on a pinhead and be over.  Better to die doing what you love, than living forever dissatisfied and lifeless.

 

I am so grateful for Grandpa.  Just because…. Just because of so many things but today for bringing the boys home and heating up a tin of beans so they didn’t starve.  For being our welcome home party and being so hospitable, inviting everyone off the bus in, to have a whisky!

 

I am so grateful for my little blue eyed boys sat next to me and that they still love me and want hugs and kisses on the sofa, despite my ugliness this morning.

 

I am so grateful for my soft, cosy slippers after being in killer heals all day…

 

I am so very grateful for the privileged life I am able to live, to spend time with inspirational people who continue to be so gracious and generous.

 

I am so grateful for the big glass of icy clean water I am about to drink and the cup of herbal tea I am going to take to a warm, comfy bed in a beautiful house, in a safe village and war free, democratic country.

 

Relaxed for the first time in the last few days.  Even managed to watch over 60 minutes of Brexit debate.

 

Must have been the 20 minutes of mindfulness meditation I did this morning.  I was guided to a sunny rock by a stream. Heaven.

 

Or was it the run I went on?  I can tell that all this training is paying off as I can sprint for longer periods …

 

Or is it the Bowen treatment and emotional offload to my homeopathist that usually takes a 24 hour period to take effect.

 

Or maybe it is just that I have a fun few days ahead?  Races tomorrow (still can’t decide hat / no hat and have a pile of outfits on my bed… )… Village Gala, big party and celebration  and then my first triathlon!

 

Or a mix of all of the above.

 

But I do think it was the mindfulness.  Reprioritised to the top of the list.  Daily.

 

 

90% of my day was really good, really good!  … so why does my brain keep going to the 2 little niggles that have really p’ed me off?!

 

I reacted in the moment, rather than responding.

 

I over-reacted to a comment from my mother-in-law… who I love dearly and who I should have been more compassionate with as she had been on a long drive…

 

I probably over-reacted to a note left in a book bag, which was probably had good intentions but just wound me up!  Is it really my responsibility to teach my child at home before 7.30am and after 5pm when they are too tired, too hungry after a full day at school?

 

Why?  Why am I focussing on 2 small things rather than all the brilliant things, lovely things that happened?

 

Like the Mummy sandwich I just had with the boys as we had a competition who could hug the hardest?

 

Like the lovely long chat with a lovely friend who gave me so much encouragement in my new ventures, and so much useful, beneficial advice and gave me confidence in work and parenthood.

 

Like the fun conversation I had with a complete stranger this evening and a ‘joyous’ discussion with a ‘school mum’ friend this morning about how I can help grow their new businesses through working with the magazine.

 

Like so many of the rays of light and sparkle and unicorns that are happening in my health and wellness business…

 

Like the delicious meal sat with the Big Man… and the cat with his beady eye on the steaks.

 

Ah – there.  I feel better.  100% better.  100% good day.  Karma restored.

 

Today I had my monthly session with the lady who helps me mentally and physically with the loss of Mumbo and the significant stormy times that have happened in the last year. 
Our sessions help because I feel we are on the same wavelength. She is just many years ahead of me in her spiritual and mindfulness journey… 
We uncluttered some of my mind clutter. Threw it all out there. Had a good look.
She asked if I had taken on too much too soon?

I said I had de-prioritised Ironning. 
She asked what was next, if I was still feeling stretched….
I said I wasn’t sure it was a question of de-prioritising but re-prioritising the things that make me feel better, calmer and less anxious.  
I have been ping-ponging from one thing to the next, getting everything done ‘just in time’… But giving no time for quiet for me and my mindfulness practices. 
Bring back the daily 15 mins of Pilates and yoga. 

Bring back daily 5 minute meditation… 
Looks like the washing is going to have to go too. At least that will make the ironing pile go down!!