As I have sat wrapped in my duvet, drinking green juices and colourful smoothies to nurse myself back to health, I have been learning about ‘Primary Food’ and how to nourish not just your body but your soul.

I have never really thought of it that way before.  I just saw food as food and fuel for your body, enabling you to do what you want to do physically.  And I would always become frustrated when I would get sick or poorly, especially when I ate all the right things and had a balance with exercise and play.

In the last month, I felt so good!  Energised, my joy returned, out of the storm and life was good.  From my lessons today, I realised I had been through a period of time when my ‘Primary Foods’ were all reaching good and even perhaps optimal levels.

My overwhelming loneliness of the summer had gone with the return of routine and making new friends. The work we have done on our marriage improving all aspects of our family and love life, all now filling the first and most important of the primary foods that nourish the soul – relationships, connection and belonging.

Until a few days ago, my body injury free and a good balance of activity, exercise and rest and relaxation days had been prioritised in to my weekly diary, so that’s the second of the body’s requirements for optimal health.

The decision to go back to school and retrain as a holistic Health Coach put the biggest tick next to the one primary food that had been missing for quite a while, fulfilment and purpose and finding a passionate community of people to learn and grow with.

And the final source of soul nourishment and provision, I have been consistent for a while now with a spiritual practice that is probably unique to myself; a blend of Christian community and tradition mixed with gratitude, meditation and belief in the power of the Universe and synchronicity.

Secondary food is then all about the nutrients you put in your body, often affected by the Primary foods; overworked, over stretched and you grab the highly processed fast food;  depressed and lonely, eat a family size of dairy milk to yourself.

And as I sit here in my lovely arm chair digesting all this information, I wonder if I have been so busy sorting out my Primary Food situation, I have not taken on enough of the Secondary?  I have been recently getting to the end of the day realising I haven’t really eaten that much since my 6.45am oats, grabbing a few nuts and blueberries and then making supper.

So yes – my body is clever.  It has made me sit down today, in the snug next to the kitchen and slow down so that I recognise this error of my ways and eat the healthy contents of my fridge while I appreciate my healthy soul.

The messages are coming thick and fast.

 

Clearly, I wasn’t listening to the messages from my body to slow down…  A calf injury not enough to stop me, so it has decided to force me with my most hated illness, the common cold, with daggers in my eardrums and razors in my throat.  I hear you now, diary cleared and I like an animal, I will take myself to bed for rest, sleep to heal.  What’s the point in pills when all it does is mask what is really needed?  And perhaps, I am even grateful for my common cold, a sign that the adrenalin is leaving my body, allowing me to relax, and not be on constant high alert.  The adrenalin that spiked 11 months ago to get me through the storms, gone, just like that left behind in the dark clouds, no longer needed.

 

And perhaps the magic of the Universe is at play also here; making me take some time out as it has exciting subchapters and experiences coming up.  For when I ask the question “am I on the right path?” meaning “have I made the right choices with our house, our development projects, our move, new school, our life, my relationships, my health coaching, my love of writing….all the recent changes and decisions made?”  The little messages catch my attention, guide me, inspire me, bring me peace or just a smile.

 

One from a little box at the reception desk that answered,  “You along with the Sun, Earth, Mood and stars at part of one creation, a diving mystery unfolding each moment.  Be present and feel the power of now.  Be in the moment and witness the wonder of it all.”

 

Another from my new deck of Gabi B’s Universe cards, “The moment I realign with love, clear direction is presented to me.”

 

But my favourite came from a lady sat opposite me on a beautiful wooden polished table in the shape of an accord, and while I didn’t get the pleasure of speaking to her directly, her t-shirt spoke to me loud and clear with the words, “With freedom, books, flowers and the moon, who could not be happy?”

 

Who in deed?   I think I might get that one framed.

 

A friend, and incredible person, shared a beautiful quote with me today and it sums up really how I am feeling.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through.  You won’t be the same person who walked in.  That’s what this storm’s all about.”

 

And suddenly it is.  And incredibly, I don’t.  And justifiably, I am definitely not.

And that’s what life is all about.

So much for an early night!  But I set myself a goal for the weekend, and I couldn’t get to go to bed until I had done it.  Operation ‘Skiffkey’ started in earnest with 3 of us, 2 fell asleep but one of us soldiered on..

The house makeover has started!

Probably not in the most important of places, for example, as the surveyor reported – the roof that could ‘blow off in the next big gust of wind’, or the plumbing which means hot water takes 5 minutes to run to the tap, or just the general lack of places to wash without us all having to run through the shower in quick succession for fear of bringing the roof down with leaky water pipes…

Strange how I can live with that….but I could no longer live with the germaline pink walls of the library and its mint green and tartan pelmetted curtains.

I fear the faux marble brick effect walls may get the same treatment…

Tonight, as I creep under the covers I can’t wait to turn out the light… no longer to hide from the world, but because the vice on my head has taken a cruel and unfair grip.

There is no point in fighting… there is no point in feeling tense.

There is no point in overthinking the cause, for the first time in a long time, I don’t think there Is one. I just need to be in bed, peaceful.

Today was all about mothering.  Myself.  And 2 very tired boys.

My body gave me very clear instructions yesterday I needed to slow down; while out for an early run with the dog and the Big Man, on my second sprint my left leg seized up and I hobbled home, angry with myself and frustrated.  Perhaps in my determination to get back shape after injury, 5 times a week of HIIT was too much….. perhaps.

Another very clear message, the first one I saw as I opened instagram, gave me permission to mother myself, rather than fly around supermarkets and DIY shops, running errands.  It’s been a while.  A while since I have snuck back under the covers during the day….  A beautiful meditation lulling me up in to a levitating place.. Thank you Karen – I needed that.

And my boys…. Their first exeat weekend after a full, full, full on first few weeks.  They needed mothering and loving, hugging and smothering with love and affection.

I remember my first exeat weekend; in the distance I could only see my sloping shouldered Dad and headed for him;  only to be swept up in a cloud of Fendi perfume, arms, warmth, loving whispers and showers of kisses .. my Mumbo.  So, in deference to her, I wrapped myself in one of her vintage tweed jackets today and while it is ‘uncool’ to show affection in the boys’ quad, they got it as soon as we were private.

And thanks to mothering myself this morning, I was able to cook up a storm for a Friday kitchen supper and am well prepared for tomorrow’s guests too!

The message on one of my Christmas presents this past year was ‘We believe in you, love Bird & Lyra” and the present was the perfect purple book with silver writing embossed saying “Believe you can”.

In the dark haze of my festivities, I packed the book away carefully in its tissue paper, at the time not really knowing how on earth or what on earth there was in me that they believed in.  The same carefully wrapped book was put lovingly on a shelf, then in a removal box, in turn put in a dark basement cupboard.

And today, it saw the light of day again.  And the message from my sister and niece was cheering me on.

On my mirror list of things that bring me joy (for if you do what brings you joy, you bring joys to others), other than family, I list how much I love researching in to health, mind, spirituality and nutrition.  And today, I listened to my new teacher explain the definition of health, how it originated from the word meaning ‘whole, sound, well.’  That true health is the complete package, when you have physical, mental and social wellbeing and not just the absence of disease.

Bird & Lyra cheering me on, they believed in me, and I have now found something that makes me believe in me again.  I have taken those first small steps in the direction of doing something that I am passionate about, that I love learning about and want to help others with.

Today I took my first lessons at ‘medical school’, a school with a focus less on disease management and more on health promotion.

Now that’s what sets me alight!

Back in early June, while our new chapter was still a ‘straw man’ plan, intentions and wishes put out to the Universe, I remember writing about origami cranes that had been present in a Reiki session.  I remembered them today because I was transfixed by a beautiful screen print called ‘A Mumuration of paper birds’ that tickled my fancy and tugged at my memory heart strings.  And it has been imprinted on my mind since leaving the Cathedral and been playing around in the edges of my consciousness  since.

Back in June I wrote:

“Flying birds symbolise hopes and dreams, a sunny outlook and freedom.  But the crane, the crane signifies happiness and maternal love.  And cranes, many cranes made of paper set free into the sky are a symbols of wishes coming true, of hope, and healing in dark times.”

AT the time, those words, those cranes gave me the hope that my wishes and dreams would come true and that I would, in time, heal.

Today, those cranes in flight, in the subtle blues, greens, golds and hints of pink hyptnotised me with a sense of peace and calm.  And re-reading and reflecting on my earlier words, that calm is from the paper cranes realizing their symbolism; the maternal love contributing to the happiness I feel and their flight in to the light reminding me of my current path in to the exciting beam of the future, the warmth healing the wounds and my wishes all now coming true.

Their flight of freedom mirroring my flight of freedom;  my own mumuration, the same, but forever changing shape, letting go and bringing in,  creating patterns and new shapes in the subtle twilight glow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is always a moment when the line has to be drawn.

And as I focus on living in the transient moments throughout the day and put my intention into what creating what the future holds, I can feel that line beginning to follow behind me.  I can feel the clarity and brightness of what is to come and that blinds me from the past.

There will be times when the light dims and the speed of the line being drawn slows, but I am learning how to turn the switch and speed back up.

When the light of the future was still a flicker, I wrote down what brought me joy and I have kept that list by my mirror.  I read it daily in the morning for intentional purpose for the day ahead;  I consider a good day to be one where I tick off one of those intentions.  These days, I am ticking off many more than one and that joy, that brightness, that light expands inside and I can feel the seed of confidence begin to grow.

I believe we all have to plant our own seeds; of confidence, of intention, of love, of peace.  And I believe that those seeds grow with nurture and attention from both ourselves but also from those we love.  For some reason, that seems to supercharge the growth.

I recognise that both in myself and for others.  And as Newton’s third law states:

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

To give that nurture and attention, you should be open and willing to receiving the same.  And vice versa.  How many seeds would then grow strong and tall?  How much light and energy would there be to light up the world?

As I was driving around North Yorkshire running my usual Monday morning errands, I re-started listening to a book I started about 6 months ago.  “Light is the new Black” by Rebecca Campbell.  And I know now that I am ready to hear her teachings, because her strange accent no longer grates on me and her consistent message at the end of each chapter “work your light” didn’t make me want to scream.

 

And the chapter I restarted on was clearly the focus I needed to hear today.

 

“Leap into yourself.  You are ready.  You know the next step….” 

 

And I do.  And I have.  And I have received my first response back and I am itching to take the next step and the next step after that.

 

I am self aware enough to know that with each leap, there is a hesitation, a thrill of fear.  And my hesitation comes from my old self, the one who likes to know how it will all turn out, how everything with slot in to place, how and when it will end?

 

The big question then – does that really matter and does it really need to end?

 

Right now, my soul answers that question.  The soul ache that has been buried underneath so much emotional turmoil, heartache and anxiety is finally speaking out.  My soul is calling me and giving me courage to keep taking those little leaps forward, whispering in my ear, “Don’t die with your dream hidden under your pillow.”

 

And she is backed up by Rebecca – “work your light!”