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What is it about the sun that is so wonderful?

 

The warmth on your body making you feel alive or the warm light it throws on the world around you making it look alive?

 

The tingle of your skin as the sun rays dance over you or the rays dancing over the ground making it curiously explorable?

 

From the snow, hail, rain, wind and grey clouds and grey air of earlier in the week that forced hibernation, today’s clear skies has been a most welcome change.

 

But was it really the sun that made my day?  It certainly made me launch out of bed and into my running leggings and out into the stunning Yorkshire countryside. It certainly made me smile as I ran through my chore list, admin list and cooking list.  It certainly made me smile as I listened to the boys chattering in the car.  And it certainly made me smile as they ran outside to play after school.

 

Or was it because after yesterday’s tragic events in London, I decided today I was incredibly grateful to be alive and for another day to enjoy it, whatever the weather and whatever happened.

 

It was a day to wear a sunshine smile and be happy, to light up the barbecue and be obsessively, unapologetically grateful, the clear skies and spring sun a reflection of my attitude and happiness.

 

 

 

I was reminded today that even if everything on the surface seems calm, if you are able to carry on with life, with just a little bit of pressure on the sweet spot, tears will overflow and a small cry can escape.

 

It happened twice to me today.

 

Once at the physio for my follow up appointment, where I turned up smug and happy that I was free to move again and free of crippling pain. Until he applied that little amount of pressure and I realised that while there had been positive progress, there was nowhere to hide and no where to run from this and the little cry escaped.

 

And again, this morning.  I still suffer from the PTSD and aftershocks caused by just any small trigger – a name, a word, an event, an act.  Those little pin points of pressure find any sign of anger or grief just below the surface and again, there is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide and a small tear appears and a little cry escapes.

 

In both cases, I have learnt to shut my eyes and breathe through the waves of emotional pain.  And to talk.  Talk as a distraction from physical pain and talk as a way through the emotional pain.

 

As I baked a cake for what I thought was the bake sale tomorrow at school (a diary mis-entry now means we have cake at home much to everyone’s delight), I listened to an interview with Thich Nhat Hanh.  Just his voice is soothing and brought me out of the hangover of a PTSD episode this morning.

 

And his words were beautiful.  ‘Happiness and suffering, they go together like good and evil, left and right….mud and the lotus flower.”  You cannot have one with out the other.

 

He goes on to explain that you cannot grow a lotus out of marble, only from mud.  That suffering is needed to grow in understanding and in love and therefore bring about happiness.

 

Maybe these pin pricks are meant to be the beautiful ‘sweet spots’ of suffering to remind me of how much I am growing in understanding and in love.  Understanding and love of myself and therefore, the same of others.

 

‘Thich’ also spoke of beautiful mantras that he uses and I will do well to remember those and use them either in my head to form the right words to show love and to be compassionate to another, or to say out loud when I am in pain and longing for empathy:

 

Show someone you are present in their life by saying, “Darling, I am here for you.”

 

In response, to recognise their presence is important to you, you would reply, “Darling, I know you are there and that makes me happy.”

 

In times of despair, sadness or suffering, you can empathise and show compassion by saying the words, “Darling, I know you are suffering and I am here to help you.”   And here he talks of ‘deep listening’, a way not to advise, but to be present and hear what they have to say, so they can share their pain as a way of alleviating their suffering.

 

And in the case where you believe someone you love did something to hurt you, he advises that rather than seek revenge or to hurt in retaliation, be brave and strong enough to use the words, “Darling, I suffer.  I am trying my best to practice.  Please help me.”

 

I am so fortunate, that while I am brave enough to speak up and ask for support, I get the response, ‘Darling, I know you are suffering and I am here to help you.”

 

I am also fortunate, that the same is true in reverse.  I strongly believe that even without having read this until now, we are where we are by doing this intuitively.  And out of the suffering is rising happiness, out of the mud, the lotus will bloom.

**

 

I wrote this earlier today and this evening I am watching the breaking news of the terrorist attack in London.  May the mantras above be spoken all over London to help those suffering loss, grief, shock, pain and devastation.   And may we all be strong and brave enough to say the words of peace to the terrorists, to respond with compassion and understand why they have acted so violently and in anger.

 

 

Faith.  I have a lot of it.  But it isn’t something I have had to call on lately, or at least not for something I really, really want to happen.

 

Instead I have just had a strong belief.

 

The last time I had to upgrade from belief to faith was when I had lost a baby and was desperate, to the point of guttural anguish and pain, for a family.  Each time a friend would happily announce their pregnancy or every time my path crossed with a smiling, stomach stroking, content pregnant lady on the street, supermarket aisle or dog walk, I would call on my inner faith.  Faith that everything would be ok.  Faith that in time I would have my family, no matter what path we ended up taking, no matter how much time passed.

 

Faith.  For me, is different to belief.

 

I believe that belief (for me, anyway) is when I have some element of control through the daily choices I make, the path I am walking.  Belief when trying for a baby was taking care of myself, eating healthily and exercising so that I would have the ultimate host body and of course, doing the obvious… a lot, leaving nothing to chance.

 

I believe that faith (for me, anyway) is letting go of the ‘how’ and dreaming of the ‘why’ you want something to happen, visualising it as a given outcome and knowing that something far greater than any act or choice you make is in charge of your destiny and that destiny is everything you could want or better.

 

I am calling on faith now, in my current situation.  To this point, I have had a strong belief that everything would work out ok, better than ok and far better than it ever has been.  I have been making daily choices to be happy, see the good, rejoice in the small things and every day things;  I have been consistent and committed in the daily practices to move towards a miraculous shift in perception of our situation;  I have consciously chosen what path to take, which people to surround myself with, which houses to look at, where to rebuild our home, our life and our new found love.

 

But now it is time for faith. It is time to release control, relax and hand over the reins to that far greater ‘something’ – The Universe, God, Buddha, Allah or any other religious icon.  It is time to trust that the dream I hold in my mind will come magnificently to fruition.

 

Until then, I continue with my #breakingbadhabits with a couple of small projects now that I am able to move. Nothing too serious or taxing and just for fun.

 

Project 1:  I had upgraded my pj’s to joggers and hoodies but now, I have given myself a small challenge, mini project.  At 41, I want to find my fashion style.  Long gone are the pin stripe suits, but I want a little more glam than my staple jeans or my running leggings.  I want to find my style, so as well as a blog a day, I am trying a new style a day and capturing my journey on pinterest (my current source of inspiration so that I don’t look a complete fool).

 

Project 2:  To get out of the house (and therefore have to get dressed), I am on a quest to find the best places to write and get a good coffee. To be a writer, one has to write.  And I want to write more than just about my story and my thoughts.  So I have started to document my journey of writing based on the independent coffee/tea houses of the north.

 

As I said… just a bit of fun!  Until faith kicks in and works her magic.

 

 

 

 

 

I read somewhere recently that you should always keep a bottle of champagne ‘on ice’ or in the fridge.  You never know when there will be an unexpected day when you have something to celebrate, even if it is just because you have champagne!

 

Today feels like one of those days.  And luckily, we put a bottle of champagne in the fridge a few months back when we anticipated an offer being accepted on our dream house.  That day it remained unpopped… and again a few days later when we revised the offer, and a month later when we did the same.

 

And yet the champagne is still there, nestled at the top of the fridge, hidden under the bag of kale – of all things.

 

So tonight, I am thinking we need to crack it open.

 

For the final offer and the final walk away from our dream house happened for the last time today.  And we can celebrate a new adventure, a new blank sheet of paper and as I like to think of it, celebrating the Universe having our back and guiding us to a more dreamier house for the rebuilding of the Mortimer family or away from a big mistake, huge pressure or a myriad of unforeseen issues.

 

But perhaps there is something far greater to celebrate.  On the day that we stumble across the box containing old albums, in particular, the one containing my little marriage proposal message and all the emotional yet fun memories of the ensuing days of celebration – a reminder pops up in my calendar to ‘decide if I want a divorce – have 6 months after infidelity uncovered’.

 

The answer that came, pretty much immediately, from both my heart and my heart was unanimous and unquestionable.  And that definitely warrants a cork pop!

 

There are no other words that can sum up today better than Louis Armstrong. As we drove the clear roads to have lunch with my family in the south, his scratchy, raspy, beautiful voice sang out the words of my Mumbo’s favourite song…. she may not have been there with us in person but I always feel her spirit and her words find me in other ways…

 

And I reminded myself of those very words as willy trod in a big pile of crap and trod it all over the car, so it ingrained in to the little holes of the leather, all over the carpets and his clothes……. I reminded myself to look up from the straw I was looking through that could only see the mess and smell of sh*t in my car, to see the wonderful world we live in.

 

The wonderful world that Louis sings of… made all the more wonderful with my family and ice creams.

 

 

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world

 

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world

 

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They’re really saying I love you

 

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They’ll learn much more than I’ll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world

 

Oh yeah!

 

In the hazy early morning light of around 5am, just after administering calpol to a little person, I read the most beautiful words:

 

“You can be an inspiration for someone who is experiencing difficulties by not lowering yourself to their sadness, but lifting them up through the light of your joy.”

 

And those words set me up for the most beautiful day.

 

Despite following ‘doctors’ orders, having double doses and may be one more than a couple of glasses of wine to relax, any head haze I would have expected, lifted in those early hours.

 

It is wonderful to be back on the path of happiness.  Living breath to breath, moment to moment, letting life and feelings flow through me, my mind.  I am back out of my head, back into my heart and where I belong, happy.

 

 

 

 

 

I have been counting down the hours until I would feel a strong, experienced man’s hands on my body.  He didn’t disappoint… and when he brought out his electrics, it was a blissful, exquisite pain.

 

When he told me I could double dose on Co-codomal and Ibuprofen and still drink wine tonight, I think I may have kissed him as I danced out of the room.

 

Oh…

 

Is that a lightness in the voice in my head?  Is that a welcome wry smile as I write those words?

 

As I drive to school, I am reminded that the path to happiness is simple.  It is just a choice.

 

“Do you want to be happy or not?”

 

The answer is either yes or no.  With no strings attached.  No justification or qualification.

 

The answer isn’t – I will only be happy when my back pain goes or I will only be happy when I know I can trust the Big Man or I will only be happy when Willy is happy or I will only be happy when I have written my book or I will only be happy when I feel like seeing all my friends again without shame or dread.

 

The answer is simply, yes.  A choice and a decision to make and then do, be and live happy.  Find happiness in the moment;  the little moments, like fresh coffee in a pretty new hand painted cup.

Today co-codomal was my friend, so that I could be with my friends, so that I could tick several items on my ‘joy list’:  cooking, learning and being with friends.

 

A wonderful day learning many divinely deliciously or deliciously divine dishes, full of flavour, simple for summer entertaining and the perfect gift from a perfect friend.

 

As she layered up the different flavours, the sweet with the savoury, the crunch with the smooth, it reminded me of life.  My life currently.  The different layers.

 

The many intricate layers of anxiety; anxiety brought about by children, one emotional, one curious enough to land him in trouble; by sadness and inner turmoil of the many triggers that bring the dark times to the fore; by concern and worry for my little bird, being so far away;  by the uncertainty surrounding our future home, where, when, how, where?!

 

All of these crumbly, crispy layers, like a mille-feuille, held together and supported with the sweetness and softness of life, the pleasures, the laughs and smiles, love and sunbeams and laced with the surprising tartness of the coulis and bite of the fruit.

 

I heard it said recently that with greatness, must come humility;  seemingly opposing traits.  True greatness, despite its suggested loftiness, is always coupled with a stable grounding.

 

It is the opposites in life, the ying and the yang that provide the flavours.  Today’s mouth-wateringly delicious dishes reminded me of that;  they were greatness, grounded in simplicity.

 

 

Yesterday I was clinging on with my fingernails so as not to fall back down that black hole.  The reins of despair pulling and causing white hot pain either side of my spine as I resisted and fought to stay above ground.

 

Today, I let go.  I stopped fighting the pain and pull.  I unbuckled the harness and let the relief wash over me and I lay above the hole, slept and dreamt in the sunshine.  The pain still there, but the resistance gone, the struggle over.

 

In a couple of weeks, there will be no time for pain, no time to rest, no time to sleep.  The big move, the next chapter, our new life beginning and it will be full.  Full of everything; fun and laughter, love and joy, adventure and novelty, building a new home and building a better life, writing and researching.  Full.

 

So while I have time, I let go of the guilt of having to remain supine, to sleep, to rest and decided to allow myself to recover and to prepare myself for the next 6 months.   Perhaps my back injury a reminder that I need to be careful, that I need to ask for help when it is necessary.

 

“When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control they way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where the power is!”

 

 

So tonight, I have drugged myself up and am going out for some medicine;  laughter.  An evening with my trusted girlfriends and can tell them how apparently my son is a porn king!  LOL!  (that’s laughing out loud, not lots of love.)  Amazing how the smallest of things can be blown out of proportion, exaggerated until the true facts are discovered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am slowly turning in to a sloth.

 

It’s only been one day on the sofa with box sets and carbs but I feeling like I am turning in to ‘one of those women’; with no purpose, frustrated with their brilliant brains being untaxed so they look for the wrong things for distraction and comfort.

 

In between getting up to do some yoga stretching and reheating my oat pack, I did go to the dentist… and then I chewed on my lip without realising as I chowed down a scone and box of strawberries.

 

I am a mess!

 

What is this experience trying to teach me?  Did I fire myself up too quickly, try to do too much?

 

I just keep hear the words ringing in my ears that a friend recently said to me, ‘where I am now is exactly where I’m meant to be.’

 

I know I have a purpose and exciting plans.  But timing is everything.  And the Universe has my Back, so it’s a few days on the sofa with the cat, the oat pack, ibuprofen being an unwilling sloth until the world is ready for me again.