The 100 like picture…

The 100 like picture…

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It was taken in a hurry… dashing out the door to a charity and school fundraiser.

It was taken in a hurry… vomiting Willy, grumpy tired Tom…

It was taken in a hurry… trotting in heels past the kitchen window in the rain, looking in, seeing a beautiful scene.

It was taken in a hurry… fumbling for my iphone in my pocket, snatching just one pic..

It was taken in a hurry… chuckling to myself at the vision of Grandpa and Grandad, savouring a bottle of ‘cheap plonk’…

It was taken in a hurry… knowing that my boys were in the safest of hands (despite the wine!)…

It was taken in a hurry… huge waves of gratitude flowing from me through the window for the two babysitters..

It was taken in a hurry…

.. But it’s true, a picture, a photograph can say a thousand words… but to me, this just spells love….

Love for me.

Love for my boys.

Love for red wine.

Love for putting the worlds to rights…

Love for the 2 men and 2 boys inside the house that night as I stood in the rain.

The lost art of letter writing

My wonderful Dad arrived today. He arrived an hour early! He arrived alone in Yorkshire for the first time..   He looks great! He is in good health and in good spirits…

As always he arrives armed with wine… one cheap plonk, one very nice …

As always he arrives with memorabilia from home… 2 recipe books signed by their authors – Michel Roux and Rick Stein…..

And a letter.

A beautiful letter on beautiful Japanese paper.

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It is a letter from me to my Mum and Dad on my Mum’s 50th Birthday. They were skiing in Austria at the time so the letter is addressed to the Chalet Landhaus Moos…. I love that!

The date is February 1991.

I was at boarding school.

There was no such thing as Facebook then. I don’t even think we had email? We did have a computer lab, but we only used it to learn to touch type…

There was no such thing as a mobile phone then. We had one phone per boarding house and I think we used to get to use it once a week in the lower years and possibly once an evening in the senior years… I forget. And we had 10p. A 10p call didn’t last very long.

So I wrote.

I used to write to my parents at least once a week. I used to write to my Aunty Pam frequently too… and also my Grandparents and Great Aunts… and those wonderful friends called ‘pen pals’…

And they all used to write to me. Regularly as clockwork; Dad once a week. Grandpa once a week. Aunty Pam once a week. Great Aunt once a term with a care package of home made coconut bars. Pen Pals… sporadic.

Dad says there are boxes of letters at home.

He asked what he should do with them.   I said to burn them…

Until I read the letter… and started laughing!

“We have to wear cloaks to Cav”… Very Embarrassing!!!!” Only the girls from the Iron Ring will know what that means… but I can hear my 15 year old self in my mind!

“Today’s big Scandal… Cleaners treated for stress because of the loo door”… and I remember the drama as if it were yesterday. Someone (who shall remain nameless) turned a lock on a loo door from the outside so that it looked locked. Apparently the cleaner was distraught … it was the little things at boarding school. It is always about the drama…

“Fran’s brother came to visit… he arrived at 3.30pm and left at 7pm. He is major tall…. He even went down to Cav and bought us all food! He was so nice”… Maybe I had a crush on Howard?!

“I got 89% in my art exam.. which is great as I thought it wasn’t very good”… I loved art. I must draw more.

But the best bit…

“Latest – OH NO, NO (underlined and capitalized)… BAMBI WANTS TO CALL HERSELF ALEX!!!!!!”

I named my sister ‘Bambi’ when I first met her aged 20 months… Family and close friends still call her that… According to the letter, I didn’t think Alex suited her then.. and it still doesn’t. She will always be Bambi. Or Aunty Bambi.

The letter.

The lost art of letter writing.

Maybe because at a young age of 10 I used to write so much in letters, that’s why I love social media, am a frequent updater on Facebook and Instagram, love writing this blog. I am used to sharing news… even if mundane… with the people in my life.

The lost art of letter writing. Such a shame to have lost it to something so transient… scroll past and you missed it.

The lost art of letter writing. Such a shame to have lost that excited feeling of running to the post table after break to see if we had letters! The joy when we did! The excitement if the letter was in a package!   We shared letters and news between us… gathering round to find out the latest word from outside of the school…

The lost art of letter writing. A beautiful ritual. Full of thought, care, time, love… expression of pen to paper.

So Dad asked me again… What should he do with the boxes of letters. Did I want them?

…….

Did I want to write a book ‘Letters from Ali’ he asked…. May be… one day.

In the meantime, it has made me want to write letters more. Spread joy and excitement in to people’s lives… because I have to say I still get that little jolt of excitement on going to the post box when you find nestled in amongst the flyers, pamphlets (for you HB), magazines, invoices and statements… a little coloured envelope with a handwritten address….. I return to being that little girl dashing to the post table again, with knee high socks and a red alice band…

The importance of ‘value’

Two things caught my eye today and that have played on my mind, mulled over…

The first was my motivational saying for the day:

“Not better than everyone, better than the old you”

And the second was a fantastic article about a CEO’s interpretation of the value of people based on how much money they made and the response of a teacher to that interpretation.

The first one really got me thinking as I was doing the drive to and from school. We do actually live in a society that feels like everyone is no longer just trying to keep up with the Jones’… but actually trying to out-do ‘the Jones’’! Or maybe it is just the social circle I am in… I don’t know. Or maybe that is just my perception and interpretation of it…

Anyway… regardless…

This is such a good mantra to have at the forefront of our minds for both business and life…   If we set our goals on the perception of what other people have … wealth, happiness, fitness, figure, car, house, sofa, number of children, title, pay cheque… we will never be satisfied as there will always be someone else that has something more that we do…

People who know me well will share that I am not averse to competition, in fact, I think competition is healthy! However, this principle is so much healthier as it means we are always winning! If we keep improving ourselves, this will compound over time and we will always feel satisfied, always reach our goal, always have the pom poms out to cheer ourselves on. We will always feel motivated to keep on bettering ourselves in a good way.

This is something, I am so going to instill in my family and encourage my children especially to do.

And the second article was just brilliant. When a rich CEO belittled a Teacher for what she made, she took him down a few pegs. While he was focused on making money, she reminded him that it was her work as a teacher that helped made the children in her class feel valued, like a winner; made them question, wonder, imagine; she made them read and write; made them feel safe and secure… and ultimately she MADE them in to the CEO’s of the future…

What an amazing response.

Our value isn’t in the money that we make, but in the value that we give to, show and share with others. And especially to those who are more vulnerable, younger, who look up to us…

Value in terms of material things are not eternal, the latest super car soon becomes dated, the latest fashion accessory soon becomes passé, houses, jewels cannot be taken with you to the grave or to the next life (if that’s what you believe). And while they can be handed down through the generations, will they actually be valued or just a collectors piece… even sold?

The teacher’s response is profound and thought provoking, because feelings, attitudes, core values can be eternal and will live on in the lives that continue afterwards. Behaviours are duplicated and appreciated again and again, generation through generation. To love and live and be part of the life of a child, to give time more than money or possessions is far more valuable.. in my humble opinion.

And I am therefore eternally grateful, that I now have the opportunity to spend more time with my sons than I do in an office. I have gratitude daily for that… It is always number one on my gratitude list.

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Pom Poms & Can Cans

My favourite bit about today …

‘ I love my Dad’…. Tom says out of the blue as we are driving home. Big Daddy Morts is definitely Tom’s hero and he misses him loads while his away in the week.

‘I love you too Mum. Just the same. You take me to school and back every day. I love you.’

At that point, I had little mini replicas of me dancing around my head with pom poms…. Doing the can can! Rejoicing and being the biggest cheerleader of me. Snow White is singing a merry tune… although short lived, only to be drowned out by Tom’s rendition of One Direction.

Dobby is trying to get a word in… and I faintly hear him ask… ‘Does that mean he didn’t love you before you took him to school’… but he is swished away by countless flying pom poms very quickly…booted out by a flying high kick…

I am my biggest critic. I have the biggest stick to beat myself up with. For not doing things right or perfectly, for not doing enough, never enough… the constant feeling of guilt that I should be doing more or even something else.

I am not too proud to admit I have been seeking professional help to get me through some of the grief, guilt and anger that I have been feeling, and sometimes overwhelming me following all the change and loss in the last few months. And one of the things we discussed this morning was my big stick.

Why do I carry such a big stick to beat myself up with? To keep me motivated was my gut answer.

Does it motivate you to do more, be more? No.

How does it make you feel? Bad. Sad. Frustrated.

So why do you keep carrying it, using it? I don’t know. Habit?

What can you do instead? ?????…….. Be a cheer leader……?

So the pom pom’s in my head tonight following Tom’s comment, may have been there initially in response to congratulate me on making brave decision to be more present in my boys’ lives… but they were also there cheering me on and duplicating and duplicating out in to a pom pom, can can dancing frenzy as I realized that the stick wasn’t there…. And I felt GOOD! I felt happy… and definitely motivated to do more, to be more involved in the boys’ lives. If they feel loved, then that is all that matters.

Motivation… many different factors can motivate people in different ways. Professionally and now personally, I believe and have seen and felt that the best motivation comes from praise…   I also notice more and more that the boys are far more responsive to motivational praise than they are of motivational fear or reprimand.

So I say, get your pom poms out and give out praise where praise is due… and especially to yourself….

xx

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Brain Fog

Brain Fog.

I nearly forgot to pick up Tom today.

I can’t believe I am writing that.

I nearly forgot to pick up Tom today.

I thought I was picking up Willy…

Was it just forgetfulness?

Was it just distraction, involved in doing something else?

Was it just confusion with car share changes?

Was it just confusion with Willy’s new clubs?

Was it just lack of realization of the time?

Was it due to sleep deprivation?

Was it due to brain fog?

Typically, the night before, I like to look through my diary for the following day and mentally review it to make sure it all works, fits in.. and find some time to find my 10 minutes, my breathing space, my admin…. For there is always admin when running a house and 2 children. By doing so, I cement the plan for the next day and I know what follows what, so I can be prepared, make sure I take everything I need for the day… know what to wear when I wake up.

I did that last night…

So what went wrong today?

Today I have momentary envy for my old single life with only me to look after, feed, exercise, clothe and satisfy. I know that if I had even one hour, or even half an hour of my old life, I would be lonely, unsatisfied…   but it was much simpler! I have to admit that!

It is quite nice to daydream of a full, uninterrupted night sleep – with no poorly children, or snoring husbands… but back in my single days, I was interrupted by the bus, the aeroplanes, the on-call phone by my bed…

It is quite nice to daydream of a single list of jobs to do just for me, or work…but back in my single days, it was all about me and there is so much more to be gained by doing more for others…

It is quite nice to daydream of a tidy room, tidy house or messy if I wanted it!… but back in my single days, I wasn’t really that tidy! And I like the homely chaos… (even if Mr OCD doesn’t)… it reminds me of all the people I have in my life..

It is quite nice to daydream of long lie-ins or hangover slobbing on the sofa… but back in my single days, my hangovers could last all day… whereas now, I have to get up, I have to eat, I have to go to rugby / football / make breakfast and those distractions help me shift my focus from my thumping head, lurching stomach..

So where am I going with this?

I have no idea.

I have brain fog.

Brain fog

Right now…

Sunday night.

Again!

Where did the week go. Another week!

It feels like each week passes quicker, each month… and almost at another year end. I honestly feel like we just had last Christmas!

Why is that?

Do we fill our lives with more as we get older? Have more to think about? More to do? More people to look after? More events to prepare for?

I really don’t know the answer.

But I do know that this week has been a good week.

I am feeling more relaxed than I have in a while. Allowing myself to feel feelings and let it out.   Enjoying people’s company without feeling guilty or feeling that I should be doing something else. Making a decision in the moment and not looking back and judging myself. Building my confidence and self belief. Allowing myself to move forward, without regrets, from the position and moment I find myself. Baby steps, moment to moment, inching forward.

There is something to be said for living in the moment.

Enjoying and savouring the present.

For as Eckhart Tolle says, the present moment is the only moment you can influence. The past is the past. The future is unknown…

And right now the most important thing for me to do, is enjoy the company of the Big Man as he has been a hero today… overcoming the indulgence of the night before and looking after two little men, while I enjoyed every moment learning from 2 phenomenal, professional, accredited Make-up artists all the tips of the trade and then putting them in to practice.

Right now, my tummy is full of delicious food and my head full of delicious learning….

Right now, I am relaxed.

Right now, I am content.

Right now, I am indulging in Sunday night pleasures.

the powr of now

The omelet of life…

The omelet of life!

Saturday morning… family breakfast! And this morning it was omelet on the menu. The big man is home…

And as I am making the omelet’s it makes me think about life… for the perfect omelet is made from the right ingredients being put into the hot pan at the right time. For us, the Mortimer omelet is made simply; just 5 main ingredients and the seasoning.

The pan has to be hot and the coconut oil just running clear and hot.

Throw in the red onion…. And let them sweat until they are clear, but not fully cooked nor brown or burnt…

Throw in the finely sliced button mushrooms… and let them brown and shrink. You always need more mushrooms than you originally think…

Once they are nicely soft it is the turn of the spinach… Again, more than you think as the leaves reduce to practically nothing…

And quickly after the spinach, the eggs, pre-whisked and seasoned…

Then comes the patience… a few swirls of the spatula around the pan to ensure it doesn’t stick…

Waiting for the perfect time to overlay the fatless palma ham to be laid on top…

Patience… you don’t want to flip the omelet too early or the egg will run out the side and spoil the perfect half crescent shape… too long and you get a rubbery texture.

I do this routine 4 times… as I have 4 hungry men at my breakfast table.

As I repeat the recipe and activity the 4 times, it makes me think of the recipe of life….

Just like life – we may know what we want the outcome to be and the steps we need to take and decisions we need to make… but it could go wrong. Outside influences could deter us from our path, make us shift our focus… A spilt glass of water could make us burn the onions… and we have to start again.. Just as in life, a life event could make us take our eye off the prize and we have to start over…

Just like life – everyone is different… the goal different, the size of the goal different…. Tom – 1 egg, Willy 2 eggs, Uncle Barny 3 eggs and Big Daddy Morts the 4 full egg breakfast.   The same applies with the ingredients… Tom doesn’t like mushrooms and BDM wants extra spinach…

Just like life – you need patience… If you want the end result to be as good as it possibly can be or even exceed your expectations, you need to have patience to go through each step before moving to the next one… Rush it and it can all go wrong. Scrambled egg.

Just like life – you need the right tools… BDM has worked out that the 5 inch pan is the perfect size…. That a plastic spatula is the best thing to do the swirling and flipping.   The mini whisk with the red bowl … god forbid they go missing! It never feels right if you have to do it with a fork and a breakfast bowl…

Just like life – you can’t take short cuts….. the youtube clip of the omelet in a ziplock bag and boiling water. Rubbertastic! No thanks…

Just like life – everyone can take a different approach and still get the same brilliant result. Mr OCD stays true to himself… the onions chopped into tiny perfect squares, next to the perfectly sliced onions in perfect piles, spinach out and the palma ham de-fatted, the eggs whisked in the red bowl, seasoned… perfectly lined up, cup of coffee next to the pan. And…. Go!

Me… I am a muddle of chopping just in time, walking back and forth to the chopping board, swearing as the onions just start to go brown as I search for the spatula… can’t find the spinach in the fridge… you get the picture….

But the end result is that the omelet is done, delicious and nutritious…

Just like life… you can look at the end result and know that reversing the order, connecting the dots backwards, each step played a part in the perfect breakfast plate, the perfect result for our lives. Each step or dot, necessary for us to move to the next dot and we remain at some dots longer than others, entirely because it is necessary…

Steve Jobs was right.

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The Secret…

It is no secret that I am a big fan of ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne… and also her book ‘The Magic’ which goes in to more detail about the importance of Gratitude…

I often wish that I had read these books earlier in my life. While there are some of the techniques I know I did subconsciously – for example, the daydreaming of my tall handsome prince, a house full of crazy children, big family Christmases, big house in the countryside…. Bedtime prayers giving thanks for good food and winning another lacrosse game, getting a promotion, a pay rise….

I didn’t do them regularly, nor did I understand the science behind them…..

Visualisation and daydreaming of a life you want in the future should be and for me is an uplifting experience. I have now even done guided meditations to meet my future self…. (the first time in a conference… and the second time on a crowded train to London in fact! Other travellers must have thought that rather strange – seeing someone plugged in to ear phones, eyes shut and crying!).

And at this point I do wonder whether my younger, less mature self would have been able to or even open to doing this? And at some points, I have felt that this was rather a materialistic thing to do… and didn’t always feel right as it seemed to come from a place of scarcity, feeling that I didn’t have enough so dreaming of more…

What I have found is that myself at this stage of life has totally benefitted from introducing these practices.   By meeting my future self, talking to her, I recognise the daily practices that she has done and continues to do to become this calm, serene, abundant, loving, selfless figure. By recognising them in the future, it is therefore easier for me to start implementing those practices in to my daily life today. Hence the early morning pilates, healthy eating, writing, sketching, spending as much time as possible with the boys. By speaking to her, I know the types of people she spends time with and so when I meet people, I know instinctively whether they are part of my future or just my present. By speaking to her, I know my purpose, it is cemented in my core for I know where I am going and because I know that, decision making becomes easy and if others try to influence me from my path, it is less easy for them to deter me, the less I care what they think – it’s not their future, it’s mine.

I recognise now that there is nothing wrong with knowing where you want to go. And I also recognise the importance of gratitude.

There is fantastic quote by Oprah Winfrey ‘ Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough’.

So while my evening prayers used to be sporadic, it is now a daily habit to list all the things in the day that I am grateful for… from my family, to the house we live in, friends, from the running water, to electricity… I go through a list of all the things I couldn’t do with out… It is amazing how long this list is… but as I run through it in my mind, I drift off to sleep. Maybe that is why I sleep like a dead person… I fall asleep in a state of gratitude.

Another practice I have recently started is another from the Secret. You can even buy Secret Gratitude Journals… one side of the page you write down all the things you are grateful for in your life right now and on the other, you write down all the things you are grateful for that you know will happen in the future.

I have only been doing this a week, but given how good my week has been so far, I am confident this practice has contributed to it. After my morning pilates, I am grateful for the day ahead and if I anticipate conflict or drama or difficulty in any part of my day ahead, I give thanks for the fact that it will go well…  or if not well, then the way it is meant to go

The books say that these practices – the visualisations and gratitudes – are all subconscious messages to your brain as well as to the universe to let it conspire to make what you want happen. The Law of Attraction.

And whether you are cynic or a believer, I overcame myself, my old negative, cynical frame of mind by asking myself ‘what was the worst that could happen?’ That I stayed negative and cynical by writing a few gratitudes down and believing in the future that I desired? I had nothing to lose.

And I have gained so much.

The positive attitude of my childhood has returned.

Daydreaming is fun!

Being grateful has made me less desperate, less competitive, more appreciative and far more abundant and giving, because I need less to make me happy.

I still feel that I am a long way from being the person I met in my meditations… but she was about 70… so I have 30 years to go to get it right.

And the best bit, I realize now, is enjoying the journey or adventure, I am currently on to get there… because I know, it will all be ok.

Just as it should be.

Because I told me, it would be.

And I believe her.

The Secret

Saved by the bell…

8.15pm… and I could go to bed. Seriously… I could. I have been in my PJ’s with the boys since 5.30pm… watching some terrible Arnie film – Turboman?! I mean what was he thinking?! Or what were the boys thinking even? Or me for letting them watch it?!

Is it the darkness? Driving to and from school in the dark is definitely more tiring than in the day light…

Is it the 6am starts? And 5.30am pre wake up from Willy wanting tissues?

Is it the constant coughing and sniffing from Willy’s bedroom?

My mind is blank.

It is actually quite nice to have a blank mind.  Usually my mind and thoughts are in overdrive…

This kind of darkness is actually really peaceful… for the first time in a really long time, I feel relaxed.  The rain soporific on the window panes…

My laptop hot on my legs… my eyes shut… it reminds me of those late night feeds when you nod off…. only to shock yourself awake as you feel something slip… maternal instinct kicking in…

Ooh and as I write that there is a thud… and that’s Willy… a little earlier than usual, but on queue… his night terror. My little bird… flapping around, asleep, crying.

Over and out… time to look after the little man and time for bed…

Saved by the bell…

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Heart

There are good days and there are not so good days. There are bad days and really bad days… and it feels like most recently there have been more sad and therefore bad days for me recently.

So I sit here tonight to write my ‘no longer than 30 minute blog’… relieved to have had a really good day. There were so many moments that I felt my heart swell and feel overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude… and my little broken, dehydrated heart is feeling recharged, replenished from it; the cage that I have been building up around it to protect it started to become weaker, maybe even left unlocked…

I felt huge, overwhelming love this morning as I was lying on the floor doing a pilates curl as Willy snuck in to the snug before his wake up time, face hidden behind his lallies and his teddies, hair on end, eyes sleepy, nose snuffly as he lay down on top of me and snuggled in. There is no better way to start the day…. With unconditional love flowing both ways, no words, just feelings.

I felt a second injection of the same unconditional love as Tom walks in 15 minutes later, perfectly dressed, his beautiful tousled hair, his rose bud lips offered up for multiple kisses before breaking in to his happy morning smiles.

My heart pumped with joy as ‘Singapore’ called… and the joy spread through my veins as ‘Singapore’ turned to plans of China, UK, Australia, global expansion of spreading love and joy and health and wellbeing…

My heart skipped a little beat, a little drum roll of grateful love, gratitude, relief and happiness of finding 4 lovely new friends, life lines, who have been my rays of light, hope over coffee… as we all shared that we felt the same..

My heart raced and felt alive as I joined an impromptu circuit class, it felt powerful and strong…

My heart felt comforted to know there are others like me, with lost mothers… to know there are other hearts out there that sometimes stop, have the air squeezed out of them, quite suddenly for no reason, just at the sound of a song…

My heart sang. Really sang…. Just as loudly and as out of tune as Tom and I sang all the way home, holding hands, singing One D, Uptown Funk, Bryan Adams and laughing as we got the words wrong… laughing at each other – my eyes looking at the mirror image of my eyes, dancing, alive in the face of a little boy…

My heart was filled with pride, hearing from global leaders, entrepreneurs, hearing from heroes who have overcome their fears, being in a room full of people with the same values of honesty, authenticity, integrity, light, laughter and love as I have…

Your heart sings when you know you have made the right choices.

And the choices are right, when they are made from the heart.

And maybe that is why my head is hurting tonight … it wants some attention. Today, I lived outside my head and in my heart.

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