Smug…

Tonight my gratitude has a tinge of smugness…

 

Is that a bad thing?

 

To be so grateful that you feel smug? To feel smug is feeling almost offensive satisfaction for your situation, does it not?

 

Well that is how I feel…

 

Grateful and smug…

 

Today, I got to kiss my boys good morning and have breakfast with them both… I got to see Willy make his own toast for the first time…   I love the firsts…

 

Today I got to read with both my boys and hear how well they are progressing at school…

 

Today I got to stand in front of a classroom and inspire children to think for themselves.. understand the world and their impact on it and the impact of the world on them.

 

Today I got to spend time with a wonderful ‘old’ friend and wax lyrical about how lucky we both were! How grateful we were to have this time with our children … to have the time to grab a nice coffee and share our gratitudes, and swop stories…

 

Today I got to exercise… to feel fit and healthy… even though I can feel a tickle and a sniffle coming on … (I am healthy.  I am healthy!  I am full of health!)

 

Today I got to pick up my youngest and have quality time with him, make him feel special with one on one time… and wave to him in the pool and watch him proudly swimming like a frog…

 

Today I got to eat supper with my children, cuddle them on the sofa under blankets and kiss their soft cheeks and hair… and hear the words ‘I love you, Mama’ as I tuck them under their duvets…

 

Today I got to treat two friends to a facial and a makeover .. and if I do say so myself, my work was good! And I am proud of myself…

 

Today I got to do the 2 things I always wanted to do – be a Mummy… not only in just the physical sense of the act of becoming a parent and giving birth, but actively taking an interest in my offspring’s wellbeing, safety, security and providing a loving environment myself…   and secondly to stand in front of a school class and provide an inspiring environment for children to learn.

 

Today I got to do the 2 things I always wanted to do AND see friends, have fun and keep healthy!

 

Today I am full of smug gratitude… Today I am the cat that got the cream! I could even be Bagpuss!

the cat that got the cream

 

 

The Secret…

It is no secret that I am a big fan of ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne… and also her book ‘The Magic’ which goes in to more detail about the importance of Gratitude…

I often wish that I had read these books earlier in my life. While there are some of the techniques I know I did subconsciously – for example, the daydreaming of my tall handsome prince, a house full of crazy children, big family Christmases, big house in the countryside…. Bedtime prayers giving thanks for good food and winning another lacrosse game, getting a promotion, a pay rise….

I didn’t do them regularly, nor did I understand the science behind them…..

Visualisation and daydreaming of a life you want in the future should be and for me is an uplifting experience. I have now even done guided meditations to meet my future self…. (the first time in a conference… and the second time on a crowded train to London in fact! Other travellers must have thought that rather strange – seeing someone plugged in to ear phones, eyes shut and crying!).

And at this point I do wonder whether my younger, less mature self would have been able to or even open to doing this? And at some points, I have felt that this was rather a materialistic thing to do… and didn’t always feel right as it seemed to come from a place of scarcity, feeling that I didn’t have enough so dreaming of more…

What I have found is that myself at this stage of life has totally benefitted from introducing these practices.   By meeting my future self, talking to her, I recognise the daily practices that she has done and continues to do to become this calm, serene, abundant, loving, selfless figure. By recognising them in the future, it is therefore easier for me to start implementing those practices in to my daily life today. Hence the early morning pilates, healthy eating, writing, sketching, spending as much time as possible with the boys. By speaking to her, I know the types of people she spends time with and so when I meet people, I know instinctively whether they are part of my future or just my present. By speaking to her, I know my purpose, it is cemented in my core for I know where I am going and because I know that, decision making becomes easy and if others try to influence me from my path, it is less easy for them to deter me, the less I care what they think – it’s not their future, it’s mine.

I recognise now that there is nothing wrong with knowing where you want to go. And I also recognise the importance of gratitude.

There is fantastic quote by Oprah Winfrey ‘ Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough’.

So while my evening prayers used to be sporadic, it is now a daily habit to list all the things in the day that I am grateful for… from my family, to the house we live in, friends, from the running water, to electricity… I go through a list of all the things I couldn’t do with out… It is amazing how long this list is… but as I run through it in my mind, I drift off to sleep. Maybe that is why I sleep like a dead person… I fall asleep in a state of gratitude.

Another practice I have recently started is another from the Secret. You can even buy Secret Gratitude Journals… one side of the page you write down all the things you are grateful for in your life right now and on the other, you write down all the things you are grateful for that you know will happen in the future.

I have only been doing this a week, but given how good my week has been so far, I am confident this practice has contributed to it. After my morning pilates, I am grateful for the day ahead and if I anticipate conflict or drama or difficulty in any part of my day ahead, I give thanks for the fact that it will go well…  or if not well, then the way it is meant to go

The books say that these practices – the visualisations and gratitudes – are all subconscious messages to your brain as well as to the universe to let it conspire to make what you want happen. The Law of Attraction.

And whether you are cynic or a believer, I overcame myself, my old negative, cynical frame of mind by asking myself ‘what was the worst that could happen?’ That I stayed negative and cynical by writing a few gratitudes down and believing in the future that I desired? I had nothing to lose.

And I have gained so much.

The positive attitude of my childhood has returned.

Daydreaming is fun!

Being grateful has made me less desperate, less competitive, more appreciative and far more abundant and giving, because I need less to make me happy.

I still feel that I am a long way from being the person I met in my meditations… but she was about 70… so I have 30 years to go to get it right.

And the best bit, I realize now, is enjoying the journey or adventure, I am currently on to get there… because I know, it will all be ok.

Just as it should be.

Because I told me, it would be.

And I believe her.

The Secret

Leftover risotto…

I am shocked to find myself ravenously gobbling (yes gobbling) up the boys’ leftover creamy, cheesy leftover risotto…

Even more shocked to find that I am ravenously gobbling up the boys’ leftover risotto from the pan… AND with the spoon!

I stop gobbling for a few minutes and change the spoon for a fork.

I continue gobbling.

Somehow having a fork makes it ok…

To eat from a pan…?

Or to eat leftovers?

To eat creamy carbs on a week night when I haven’t exercised?…

I am not sure…

So why I am shocked? I bet many people eat kids leftovers. I bet quite a few eat from a pan… saves washing up right?

It’s not something I would do.

The eating off a spoon – terribly uncouth.

The eating from a pan – even more so!

The eating kids leftovers – in my opinion and experience, a slippery slope of adding in extra unrequired calories a day which can lead to the middle aged middle.

These are behaviours, I wouldn’t usually allow myself to do.

My personal standards today have clearly slipped!

So that begs the question, why is that? What happened today to make me resort to eating leftover boy’s tea off a spoon from the pan?

Looking at the facts of what needed to happen today:

Tom needed to be ready to leave at 7.20am to get to school on time for 8am.

Willy and I both needed to be at the same school for 9.15am.

Willy needed picking up from the school at 2.15pm.

Tom needed picking up from the same school at 4.45pm.

2 drop offs / 2 pick ups and the rest of the day was mine to do what I wanted.

That sounds boringly easy. Simple. And definitely not ‘eating leftovers with a spoon from a pan’- like…

Or at least what I would have thought – pre-kids, suited and booted, off on the corporate ladder warpath, ignorant to life as a mum…

For adding in to the simple recipe of 4 drop off and pick ups – add in the additional factors:

The school is a 40 minute each way commute.

You could argue that I could have made one trip both ways, hung out near the school for a few hours.

However, while Tom gets dressed, makes and eats his breakfast, does his ablutions independently and without any fuss… Willy does not.

Willy likes to take his time, having breakfast in his pyjamas (he hates to get his school clothes with one spot of a meal on them, let alone any spillage of water – Mr OCD in miniature).

Willy likes 3 rounds of toast, made for him with just the right amount of butter.

Any rushing Willy or deferring him from his routine, ends up meaning disaster. He would not be ready for 7.20 am.

The return journey… I could have picked up Willy at 2.15 and hung about around school for Tom.   But Tom was on an away rugby fixture and 4.45pm pick up is likely to mean 5.15pm. And in my professional Mum’s opinion 3 hours is too long to hang around in coffee shops… or go shopping with a 6 year old (chaos or massive expenditure)…. And going home to drop Willy off and back again would be just a waste of time and petrol…

So the simple recipe of today has been logistically tricky… not only in terms of cost effectiveness, timeliness but also the added important factor of keeping 2 small boys fed, watered and most importantly happy – ensuring both of them get the same level of love and attention as each other…. (I am still conscious of Willy’s melt down only a few weeks ago because I spend too much time with Tom…albeit on school runs, but he doesn’t understand that).

Add in to the simple recipe, the ingredients that are required to keep my life plans and my business moving in the direction that I want it.

Add in to the simple recipe, the ingredients that are required to keep my health and sanity in tact.

Add in to the simple recipe, the necessary ingredients that are required to keep the household functioning, the endless list of ‘jobs’ that come with being a home owner, a wife, a friend… HMRC to ring, the garage to ring and pay a bill, anniversary present to buy, etc etc etc…

I had thought that leaving my corporate job would leave me to have a more balanced life for my children, my relationships and me….

When I imagined this balanced life – the image of an old fashioned scale came into my mind… and rather than being heavily tipped over to the corporate, career side with my family, friendships and me left wanting more, swaying precariously high up… the scale would be even, equal, perfectly level, calm, immobile…

I realize now that that is an image that is something unachievable. There is no such thing as perfect. There is no such thing as perfect balance. Trying to achieve that is setting a standard far too high, impossible! And as such just another reason to beat myself up for not achieving something…

This image and realization then triggers another memory… a clip or a talk that I stumbled across once.. A guest on Oprah, once said exactly that. Work / life balance is just another reason, another weapon for women to beat themselves up for not getting it right.

I love what she says afterwards… Embrace the beautiful mess that you are.. that we all are.

So today I embrace being a beautiful mess…. Driving the same route multiple times, catching quick coffees with friends to fill the time between road trips, scribbling business plans on note pads, phone calls from the car… a beautiful mess of a Mum with boys on my knee at tea time, boys on my lap on the sofa… coaxing little ones to bed with promises of treats… patiently watching Willy flap and cry for 10 minutes in a particularly bad night terror as I have my cup of herbal sleep tea… protecting him from sharp corners, walls and tables…

It is therefore rather fitting that my supper was a beautiful mess too… a beautiful mess in the bottom of the pan that tasted so good… off a spoon.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/13/elizabeth-gilbert-life-you-want_n_6148472.html

beautiful mess

…and finally the tears…

….and finally the tears…

Today started well. A lovely beautiful autumnal morning, beautiful light streaming through the house..

The boys perfectly behaved, both did their homework before they left for school, no tears or tantrums and just jolly little faces.

I was really looking forward to walking the dog along the river, to listening to the peace and quiet, the gentle trickling of the river and perhaps a chapter of my book.

But within 5 minutes, I had been shouted at by 2 dog owners. So I have turned round and am now shaking on my sofa…

Maybe this was the situation I needed to get the pent up anger and frustration out? But where is the anger directed? At the dog? At James? At his parents? At life? At the universe? Life has recently sent me a lot of change, a lot of upset, weirdness, emotion and I have been treading water to stay afloat, stay positive, keeping my head above water so I can see the positives and the horizon to swim for… this small trivial scenario seems to have been a great big hand that has pushed me under the water.

As I sit in my sunlit snug, I can feel the cold tears on my cheeks and it feels good to cry.

Finally.

And while the darkness of the murky water and sadness shrouds me, I can see bubbles and the light above me…

Time to head up and breathe…

Time to tread water, because my lists and plans await me… they are my strong strokes towards the shore, dry land… safety. I hope there is a large mojito waiting for me!

And there’s my smile….

All good.

The dog is sorted. No longer my responsibility. #Ididntwantadog (https://ididntwantadog.wordpress.com/2015/06/17/hello-world/)

Right – where’s my list!

tears strong

Where are the brakes?

Where are the brakes?

10pm and the sudden realisation that the day has gone and I almost missed a day of blogging!

Where did the day go?

Where are the weeks going?

Did someone say it was half term this Friday?! I thought I had another week! Eek!!!

Time is just racing by… I am hurtling along in a roller coaster, flying round and round…. Never really slowing as I go through the start gates… or are they the end gates?

Any one else feel like that?

Tom is nearly 8, Willy already 6… if the time continues to speed up like it is currently, accelerating every year to go past faster… will we soon enter Warp Speed? Will I wake up one morning, the boys taller than Daddy, leaving home to go to Uni, live in London?

Tonight I will hold them closer, snuffle their faces for longer, linger longer to hug them while they sleep…

Soon they will have left the house and the noise and the clutter, the grassy boots flung by the door, the left up toilet seats, clothes in heaps, discarded book bags, laughter and giggles, the occasional thud, little elephant feet running along the landing and long, heart felt cuddles, hot cheeks against mine… will all be but a distant memory… and there will be quiet.

And how I will miss them.

Where are the brakes? Can you slow the hours? The minutes?

I am going to take one… and live in the moment and appreciate the delicious, delightful chaos that is my life.

you-will-never-have-this-day-again

Let there be calm…

It was my intention this morning to write later tonight… after double date night. A little experiment to see what would happen when I had had a few too many drinks! Would I be able to blog?! Type? What would come out?!!!

However, the house is calm. All is quiet. Only the sounds of the dog licking her legs after her walk and swim in the river.

I am calm.

calm

I am worried why I feel calm? Shouldn’t I be feeling something else? It feels strange to feel this calm…. I haven’t worn this feeling for a while.

I slept last night. An amazing sleep. Nearly 11 hours. Mr OCD turned into Mr Wonderful… I didn’t really hear him get up… And as I wake up at nearly 10am, I find a cold cup of tea on my bedside table; he had obviously come up and given it to me without me waking hours ago.

The boys are fed, chilled and happy.

I offer to take the boys to football, but Mr W wants to take them… so I have another hour or so of peace. Time to myself… I run. It’s a misty, quiet day and it feels good to get out and raise my heart rate – something I hadn’t been able to do for a few days.

I return to find that Mr W is washing my car! With the help of little Willy on the power spray, Mr W teaches him how to go round the alloys to make sure each bit is perfectly clean (he is still Mr OCD!)…

The boys practice rugby throws and catches (we will win the World Cup when the Mortimer brothers play for England – Tom has already stated that he wants to be the England captain)… while Mr W (with his OCD hat on) clears out the garage and sweeps the yard and I get immense satisfaction from moving my summer wardrobe to the spare room and bring out my favourite autumnal clothes. There is something exciting about doing this exercise! It feels like I get a whole new set of clothes but yet somehow there is comfort in that I know they fit, know they don’t itch… it’s like greeting old friends.

It is quiet now, peaceful; the dog has stopped licking, there is the gentle hum of the fridge and the tapping of my fingers…

Mr W has taken the boys for a swim…. It is inflatable time at the pool.

The cynic in me is questioning why Mr W today? What does he want? The rugby is over… so it can’t be because he wants to go out for beers with the boys?

But the calmness is just so lovely, Snow White is bundling Dobby off and out of the house. I am too calm for that noisy sort of self chatter.

I’ll just let it be that he is Mr W today for no other reason than just that he is….

(And the tipsy blog will have to happen another day!)

Just a girl in a pink jumper and the fish necklace…?

IamMore-2013-July8

I am on the train going home… another Grand Central. This time it is packed! It’s the grand exodus from London to the North…   I wonder if there is anyone else playing the ‘Who are they game?’… I wonder what they would say about me?

Would they guess the truth? Could they guess based on the clues…?

Would they guess a Mum of 2, wife of 1 big Yorkshire lad?

Possibly by the rings on my fingers, (and the bells on my toes!) and the screen saver on my phone…

Would they guess a business owner, passionate about health, wellness?

Possibly by the litre of water, box of almonds and Arbonne literature I am brushing up on in front of me…

Would they guess a coach of other business owners, mentor in schools?

Possibly by the Mosaic book, notes I am scribbling…

Would they guess a daughter, emotional after a fleeting visit to the mental hospital to see her Mum with Alzheimer’s? Emotional from the recognition that the Alzheimer’s, the medication or both is slowing her Mum to a state that she now needs help walking, now only babbles for communication; emotional after not being recognized as the eldest daughter of two; emotional that the holding of her hand wasn’t reciprocated, that she sat on the sofa with her back towards her; emotional at saying goodbye and the sudden multiple, featherlite kisses and clinging cuddle; emotional from looking back and seeing her Mum’s face pressed the window pane…..

Possibly, if they look in to her eyes deep enough…

Would they guess a daughter relieved that the mental hospital wasn’t like the one in Jack Nicholson’s ‘one flew over the cookoo’s nest’; relieved that the nurses are kind, caring, the salt of the earth; relieved that the lump is nothing to worry about; relieved that she is clean, washed and is safe.

Possibly… but that’s a tricky one…

Would they guess a daughter who was shocked at her Dad’s big black eye and droopy blood filled eye bag? A daughter initially shocked, but then delighted to hear that her Dad wants to travel the world, carry on the trips and adventures, find a companion and live again? A daughter who just wants her Dad to live the rest of his life having fun, being a Granddad and doing whatever the hell he likes! A daughter who believes that her Dad is a hero for spending over 8 years caring and living the only life he could while looking after his wife with Alzheimer’s….

Possibly… but I doubt it!

Would they guess a friend who has had a lovely day catching up with friends – fresh juices and future plans; a cheeky bottle of sauvignon on Putney wharf…

Possibly? … and now I am paranoid, is the smell of booze from me?! Or is it the man opposite?!

Would they guess a wife still smiling at the recollection of a dinner ‘a deux’, burgers and beers, snoozing on the sofa in the flat of many memories?

Possibly … as the corners of my mouth turn up as I think of this..

Would they guess a Mummy excited to get home to give her two blond babies death by kisses?

Possibly … my mouth turns up even more!

Or would they just see a girl, a woman… with short brown hair in a pink jumper and fish on the end of her necklace?

Sunday Medicine

Sundays to me have always been a little bit about tradition… Family. Walks. Sunday Roasts. Peeling potatoes. The Archers in my childhood, more recently Downton…

Today was the perfect medicine and I found my off switch.

There is nothing lovelier that being brought a cup of tea in bed on a Sunday morning, the curtains opened gently so the sunshine streams in. And as I watch Downton this evening, I wonder how lovely it must have been to have had that every day…. I must have been Lady Mary in another life!

There is nothing lovelier than gathering soft cushions and pillows all around you to have a peaceful 30 minutes of reading a good book, with the gentle noise of 3 boys having breakfast together and I leave them to it for this is the only day a week they get to have a ‘man breakfast’ together…

There is nothing lovelier than pulling on your favourite winter jogging pants, slipping on your trusty trainers and letting popping tunes fill your head as you pound the pavements… There is nothing lovelier than jogging in the autumn – watching your breath whisper in the cool as you sigh at the beautiful countryside in the clear autumn sun, reds, oranges, yellows still mixing with the greens….

There is nothing lovelier than coming home to little boys wanting to throw rugby balls, tennis balls and run around the garden with you.

There is nothing lovelier than an impulse decision to go for lunch and a walk… 2 minute hot steamy showers, grabbing coats and scarves and pocket snacks as we fly out the door…

There is nothing lovelier than the Yorkshire Sculpture Park, rolling lawns, random enormous sculptures made to seem insignificant in the giant spaces, but beautiful, impressive against the blue, blue skies of the North today.

IMG_1690

There is nothing lovelier than seeing your boys race and run, twist and turn, scrap and laugh, clamber and roll… sweaty noses, dirty knees, fishing for pocket treats, asking for ice creams.

There is nothing lovelier than family potato peeling, table laying, Grandparent teasing, clean plates, full bellies… there is nothing lovelier than the first roast ham of the season, nothing lovelier than comfort food.

There is nothing lovelier than hearing the boys read, how well they are doing, hearing how Tom helps his brother recognize words….nothing lovelier than 3 in a bed around one good book.

There is nothing lovelier than a full pot of tea, Sunday TV… and while I am a little melancholy the big man had to leave unexpectedly early, there is nothing lovelier than the realization, I am seeing him on Tuesday, just the 2 of us, our favourite London pub, bottle of red… nothing lovelier.

There is nothing lovelier than going to bed on a Sunday and waking up to brand new week…

Are you ‘Wendy’ enough?

IMG_1535

It’s 5pm… and I have a drink. A stiff one. My favourite cocktail thanks to a fab friend – very kitsch, very 80’s… it’s Cointreau, Lime and soda, lots of ice…. If you haven’t tried it… you seriously should. Long and full of vitamin C… it is definitely medicinal.

It is a Friday so surely allowed? It’s a little earlier than my usual weekend drink… but today I think I deserve it! A hot bus for 4 hours with 45, noisy, squeally, excited 7 year olds… Their excitement infectious, but at points I wish I had ear plugs… It was a school trip to ‘The Deep’ in Hull…. A fab day trip out.

The drink is to try and relax my tense shoulders and neck… I was responsible for 6 children, 5 not my own, in the dark, who ran from one station to the next, muddling and mixing and darting into other pools of similar looking children… running up and down ramps, hiding behind pillars…. I didn’t lose any, I hearded them up multiple times and started to use the phrase ‘Team Mortimer’ and like little homing pigeons, they would come back.

What was interesting and intrigued and totally fascinated me today was how I could recognise many of the children by the traits they share with the parent that I have met. And not just their faces, bone structure, eyes or hair… but the way they spoke, the phrases they used, the mannerisms.   Some parents would be so proud of their children.

It made me consider and reflect on the class discussions I had yesterday with my 15 ten year old girls. From totally different backgrounds, cultures, home lives and support networks from the children today. The topic yesterday, was about role models. What did they understand about the term? Who were their role models?

A role model, ‘a person looked to by others as an example to be imitated’.

We talked through many role models from Zoella (who I had not heard of before I few weeks ago, when my local friends with daughters provided me with some good ideas!), Princes Catherine, Jessica Ennis, Mary Berry, JK Rowling to Malala Yousafzai and many more. We discussed the values, behaviours and attitudes of these women, and men too (David Attenborough, Richard Branson) and put post it notes all over our class Role Model ‘Wendy’…

They wrote: kind, helpful, pretty, happy, strong, healthy, inspirational, passionate, committed, fashionable, smiley, believer, caring, listener, never gives up, motivated, creative, honest, giving, loving, generous and spoke the truth.

Once they knew the definition and characteristics of a role model, we asked who their role models were…   answers were parents, grandparents, social workers, their class mates, their brothers, sisters and celebrities I had never heard the names of but who apparently were brilliant according to them, but whom I have subsequently found out have rather unsavoury sides..

So my question to myself – am I the type of role model that my son’s, my nieces, my goddaughters, these girls I stand in front of should imitate?

If we are present in the lives of others, especially those younger, more vulnerable than us, then we owe it to them to be that role model. Be the good person, the committed person, the optimist, the authentic, compassionate as well as passionate, courageous, abundant role model who speaks the truth, acts with kindess and in servitude.

We owe it to the generations to come to be the best versions of ourselves so that our children duplicate us… because they do you know! When you aren’t there, they speak the words you speak, their bodies mimic the way you stand, gesticulate and hold your head. They copy your confidence, your happiness just as much as your fears and tears…

Our behaviour is a silent signal to those around us… and if you are in a role of responsibility, whether that be parent, leader, CEO, boss, manager, bigger brother, sister, that means you. People do what you do, not what you say and especially so when you are not there…..

So am I Wendy?  Are you Wendy?  Can we ever be Wendy enough?  Does Wendy exist in reality?  Who knows…? but if we each strive to be like her, be a better person, commit to being a little better each week, then the ripple effect would be enormous and the world must surely benefit…

Cheers! My Cointreau is dry and I need another!

Can I or Can’t I?

What a whirlwind day!

This morning feels like weeks ago…. So much has happened today.

I have done pilates and a PT (big shout out to Andy www.sweatpersonaltraining.co.uk). Lead a vibrant, fun, interactive class on role models to 15 ten year old girls where they covered ‘Wendy’ in lots of post-it notes of positive behaviours and had lunch with a lovely friend.   Laughed so hard it hurt when Tom decided to go old school and listen to the CD’s and Christmas Crooners came on! We sang ‘Jingle Bells’ and ‘Santa Claus is coming to town’ and loads more all the way home. Took Willy swimming and dropped round samples of amazing new products to all my sporty friends who want to get more out of their workouts. Listened to some fantastic, inspirational people share their top tips for success and researched places to go for our 10 year wedding anniversary. Sat in a coffee shop for 40 minutes and ate a frog.

And then I just signed up for a Triathlon.

Just a sprint.

But it is still a bone fide Tri.

For ages, years in fact, I have watched James and many of our friends enter competitions. I thought it was a post baby phase that everyone was going through. I couldn’t be because they like wearing lycra (or is it?)… or that they like swimming in ponds and eating duck and swan pooh….

I kept telling myself, I can’t do that. I am not like them. Nah – that’s not for me…. I like my quick 30-50 minutes of exercise and it can all be done in just over an hour.

So many people have encouraged me to do one, or go on a big cycle ride with them. So why today?

Why indeed?

Why was it the lovely Pen who just happened to mention it, didn’t even really have to convince me. And I said – ok – I will do it with you. How do I sign up? What do I do? What do I need? Where do I go? Where do I practice? And then it was done.

So I ask myself why?   Why?

I have found myself doing lots of things recently that I have thought for a long time that I couldn’t do. It seems that I have cleared my mind of can’t… and replaced it with ‘can’… or the question ‘how can I?’.

Rather than I can’t leave my profession, the one I have worked at, excelled at and enjoyed for so long…. I now think, how can I use my experience to benefit others? Now I don’t feel like it has been all in vain.

Rather than ‘I can’t start my own business, I have no idea, I have always worked in corporate, I can’t not have a permanent, fixed, guaranteed salary. I can’t take risks.  I can’t teach, coach, be ‘just a mum’..’…. My mind is now always thinking, I can totally achieve success, grow a business, others have done it – I just need to copy the best! Read up on Richard Branson, Bill Gates, Ariana Huffington.. how can I find out what they did? What else can I do, set up, start?  I can be a mum and still do all this stuff!

Rather than ‘I can’t walk the dog, I can’t love the dog’… I thought to myself ‘how can I love Perdi – everyone else does’… so I started to write a blog about her (https://ididntwantadog.wordpress.com/) and I found the funny side… It seems I do love Perdi.

Rather than I can’t get up at 5.30 every morning as Hal Elrod passionately advises us to do in his book ‘The Miracle Morning’, I need my sleep. I need 8 hours. Willy often wakes up… I can’t have a productive day on 5 hours sleep… I looked at myself and asked how can I? What if I just try 6.30am? if I can do that, surely I can do 6.15… and if I do each day a little bit earlier… I get a whole extra hour in my day or even more! Hal says all I have to do is tell myself each night before I go to sleep whatever time it is… ‘I am going to wake up refreshed and raring to go’… And so it seems I can get up at 6… (still working towards the 5.30 but it’s a lot better than 7.30 and the mad rush that follows!)

Rather than ‘I can’t forgive the wrongs, the hurtful words, actions that have impacted me, my self esteem, broken my heart, made me lose faith in friendships, relationships’… I tell myself ‘I can’. I can forgive, forget… I recognise the hurt, I know the scars are there, but that’s ok. I can move on. I am bigger, stronger, better.

So I have cleared my mind of ‘can’t’….

And this Tri thing… why not. I can do a Triathlon… easy.

Can't runner