To resist… or to not resist…That is the question!

It’s definition word time.

 

To resist … or to not resist.  That is the question!

 

To resist is ‘to withstand, strive against or oppose’.

 

I love exercise – all forms of it. I tried Yoga once, but it hurt, it made me feel stupid, I wasn’t good at it, I don’t bend, I can’t reach my toes, I can literally do a side bend for one inch…

 

So I resisted it…   For a long time.

 

Funny how we resist the things we need the most?

Amazing how the universe provides the things we need the most at the time we need it.   One of the parents at Tom’s school has recently opened her own Hot Yoga practice right next door to the school and it had a fabulous article in the York Press yesterday.

It was a sign. It was a sign for me to sign up.

I did.

I still can’t bend…. And I had to use a block, several sometimes…

But I didn’t feel stupid. I felt good.

Why have I resisted this for so long?! I needed the warmth for my stiff muscles. I needed the breathing to release the tension. I needed the headspace to let my thoughts drift away…

It was brilliant and I will be going back.  (http://hotyogayork.co.uk/)

 

I also discussed resisting people either in a work or social capacity with a friend over lunch. People who you feel uncomfortable with in their presence. I commented that it could be that they do, or say, things that aren’t in line with your own values… so they don’t feel like they fit with your life…   And as values change over time, perhaps that’s why some friends are transient.

 

She made the interesting point that we resist some people because on some subconscious level, they reflect something inside us that we don’t like about ourselves or didn’t like about ourselves in the past. So we resist the person or the situation as it makes us uncomfortable as it magnifies what we don’t like about ourselves…

 

Carl Jung says ‘ What you resist, persists’…

 

And I believe that. The more you resist something, the more you want it! A bit like chocolate when on a diet or wine on a detox!

 

The more you push something away, the more you think about it, the more energy you give to it…   and therefore the more focus you give it.

 

So to release the pressure that comes with resisting, you have to let it go. It’s a bit like my stiff muscles in my yogic poses! The more I resisted the pose, the more I found I couldn’t move… and yet when I breathed, relaxed and let it go… the resistance left and I felt at peace…

 

Looking back, I resisted the grief for the loss of my Mum and the sad situation we find her in, I fought it… tried to push on through. The more I pushed the anguish down, the more I fed the pain…

What you resist persists

When I recognised it and met it face on, I was able let the pain out, I felt release. I felt calm.

 

To Resist.

 

Far better to step in, face the resistance and release…

 

 

Heart

There are good days and there are not so good days. There are bad days and really bad days… and it feels like most recently there have been more sad and therefore bad days for me recently.

So I sit here tonight to write my ‘no longer than 30 minute blog’… relieved to have had a really good day. There were so many moments that I felt my heart swell and feel overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude… and my little broken, dehydrated heart is feeling recharged, replenished from it; the cage that I have been building up around it to protect it started to become weaker, maybe even left unlocked…

I felt huge, overwhelming love this morning as I was lying on the floor doing a pilates curl as Willy snuck in to the snug before his wake up time, face hidden behind his lallies and his teddies, hair on end, eyes sleepy, nose snuffly as he lay down on top of me and snuggled in. There is no better way to start the day…. With unconditional love flowing both ways, no words, just feelings.

I felt a second injection of the same unconditional love as Tom walks in 15 minutes later, perfectly dressed, his beautiful tousled hair, his rose bud lips offered up for multiple kisses before breaking in to his happy morning smiles.

My heart pumped with joy as ‘Singapore’ called… and the joy spread through my veins as ‘Singapore’ turned to plans of China, UK, Australia, global expansion of spreading love and joy and health and wellbeing…

My heart skipped a little beat, a little drum roll of grateful love, gratitude, relief and happiness of finding 4 lovely new friends, life lines, who have been my rays of light, hope over coffee… as we all shared that we felt the same..

My heart raced and felt alive as I joined an impromptu circuit class, it felt powerful and strong…

My heart felt comforted to know there are others like me, with lost mothers… to know there are other hearts out there that sometimes stop, have the air squeezed out of them, quite suddenly for no reason, just at the sound of a song…

My heart sang. Really sang…. Just as loudly and as out of tune as Tom and I sang all the way home, holding hands, singing One D, Uptown Funk, Bryan Adams and laughing as we got the words wrong… laughing at each other – my eyes looking at the mirror image of my eyes, dancing, alive in the face of a little boy…

My heart was filled with pride, hearing from global leaders, entrepreneurs, hearing from heroes who have overcome their fears, being in a room full of people with the same values of honesty, authenticity, integrity, light, laughter and love as I have…

Your heart sings when you know you have made the right choices.

And the choices are right, when they are made from the heart.

And maybe that is why my head is hurting tonight … it wants some attention. Today, I lived outside my head and in my heart.

heart-quote-copia

The tale of two Karens

A tale of two Karen’s…

To help me turn my ‘unhappy’ list into a happy one… I needed to enlist the help of 2 Karen’s… Both I consider good friends and both excellent in their chosen paths.

Karen… According to the Internet, the name ‘Karen’ is a Greek name and means ‘Pure’.

And both these wonderful ladies, friends are experts in purity and purifying others. 

My date this morning was with the first KAren who purifies with her hands… We refer to my sessions as her time in the boxing ring as she pummels and kneads, before smoothing and softening .. Releasing the stress, sadness, guilt, anger, releasing the tension, releasing the toxins stored in my muscles… My muscles tired from carrying my burdens, often self imposed through my thoughts, my feelings…. 

And so while KAren is a magician with her hands, my date with the second KAren is like the scene in Harry Potter, where Dumbledore uses his wand to pull the memories from his mind and put them in the Pensieve. Like Dumbledore, Karen is a wizard, but she is a wizardess of the mind… She draws out what needs to be said… And holds it for me to see and make sense of it. We analyse the words together and go deeper in to the feelings and emotions attached…. We cleanse my mind of the bad thoughts, bad feelings… We put Dobby the house elf and my saboteur to rest … For the time being anyway! 

words

I get homework from both…. Karen with the magic hands tells me to drink lots of water to continue to flush out the toxins.  Karen with the magic words advises me to continue to let the words and expressions out… To flush out the thoughts and feelings through self expression – whether through the written word, drawing or anything creative.

So it has been a day of personal purification… And I learnt that self-care, self-cleansing, self-awareness is absolutely required and should be done guilt free…

…the guilt that I usually feel for taking time for myself has diminished (still there a little… but a lot less).  I have appreciated that this afternoon, I was a far calmer, far more relaxed and had the ability to give more attention to Tom as he wanted to take me for lunch (he wanted to pay… but needed my wallet!)… had more patience to sit and watch the boys and their friend rag round the park for well over an hour (I usually get itchy feet after 40 minutes!), get on the swings with them and see who could swing the highest or until we were sick!    So the time I spent on myself this morning, paid back and gave others joy… and my boys went to be happy …. and dirty – grubby knees can be washed in the morning! ..

So a day of asking for help… and of personal purification I recommend it.

I strongly recommend it….

happiness

…….

And if you need help…. Here are my Karens…  

http://ks-sports-massage.uk/

http://www.houseofcoaching.co.uk/index.php

…and finally the tears…

….and finally the tears…

Today started well. A lovely beautiful autumnal morning, beautiful light streaming through the house..

The boys perfectly behaved, both did their homework before they left for school, no tears or tantrums and just jolly little faces.

I was really looking forward to walking the dog along the river, to listening to the peace and quiet, the gentle trickling of the river and perhaps a chapter of my book.

But within 5 minutes, I had been shouted at by 2 dog owners. So I have turned round and am now shaking on my sofa…

Maybe this was the situation I needed to get the pent up anger and frustration out? But where is the anger directed? At the dog? At James? At his parents? At life? At the universe? Life has recently sent me a lot of change, a lot of upset, weirdness, emotion and I have been treading water to stay afloat, stay positive, keeping my head above water so I can see the positives and the horizon to swim for… this small trivial scenario seems to have been a great big hand that has pushed me under the water.

As I sit in my sunlit snug, I can feel the cold tears on my cheeks and it feels good to cry.

Finally.

And while the darkness of the murky water and sadness shrouds me, I can see bubbles and the light above me…

Time to head up and breathe…

Time to tread water, because my lists and plans await me… they are my strong strokes towards the shore, dry land… safety. I hope there is a large mojito waiting for me!

And there’s my smile….

All good.

The dog is sorted. No longer my responsibility. #Ididntwantadog (https://ididntwantadog.wordpress.com/2015/06/17/hello-world/)

Right – where’s my list!

tears strong