There is a huge pile of ironing staring at me.

It is making me feel guilty.

 

I can hear the voice in my head, which I give the face of Dobby to, saying ‘you don’t have a proper corporate leadership role anymore, you should be on top of the ironing’.

 

I want to punch Dobby.

 

I have moved all the ironing in to the spare room and shut the door.  Along with Dobby.

 

I don’t enjoy ironing unless I can watch rubbish tv and feel relaxed doing it.  But I can’t do that at the moment as there is so much else to be done!

 

I am living moment to moment at the moment!  Living in each moment.  Enjoying each moment.

 

I am too excited about my published articles – 2 in magazines and 1 on a website promoting healthy and holistic living.

 

I am too excited about the healthy living and toxin awareness courses I am organising in Yorkshire on the back of watching horizon last week about the research in to Alzhiemer’s and how to treat people with early onset and even prevent for some.

 

I am too excited about the triathlon I am doing this weekend. Excited I am telling myself, not nervous… excited.  I am. Really.

 

I am too excited about going to the Races for the first time this week!  To hat or not to hat?  That is the question…. My friend, the Debretts of Yorkshire says no…. but I want to be Gigi!!!

 

There is too much fun to be had.  Life is for living.

 

Not ironing.

My little man is so wise.  I have no idea where he gets his ideas from or where he learns it.

 

In so many of the books I have read .. from Badass to Return to Love, there is always a message about loving yourself.  I just didn’t get it.  Loving yourself feels so weird… to me arrogant… like being a poser strutting their stuff wanting everyone to look at them with adoration..

 

I didn’t get it.  I didn’t want to be a poser!

 

Until this conversation, with Willy… just moments ago.

 

W:  Do you love me more than you love yourself?

Me:  Yes.

W:  Well you shouldn’t.

Me: Why?

W:  Well you have to love you first.. your body is the only one you have and if you didn’t have it, you wouldn’t be able to love me.

W:  Oh right. I still don’t understand what you mean.

Me:  Like your eyeballs… you need to love those.. if you didn’t have those, then you wouldn’t be able to see me or Tom… would you?  So you have to love your eyes and you have to love you.

 

The penny has dropped.

 

I am not a poser.  I just need to love and be grateful for my amazing body, brain, eyes, arms, legs so that I can live and love and give cuddles and see and run and do everything I love to do.

 

He will go far.  Wise before his time.

 

Problems. I have always loved solving them. From the quiz books in the back of the car on long journeys to school, to the type of work I did designing and building new IT systems to replace legacy, bespoke systems.

 

I have learnt over the years that for every problem, there is usually a solution and the fun is to find it.

 

More recently, I have fun appling my solution finding expertise to my trivial little life problems…

 

Last week – how to walk the dog (who doesn’t like other dogs), do exercise (HIT training for my triathlon and look after kids (who just want to play football and not walk the dog)…  Solution: find a really old disused road that no one uses (no dogs), let the dog go… get the boys to kick a ball and then we all sprint after it! Genius.

 

Last year – I realized I couldn’t take on more than 2-3 glasses of wine without having an all day hangover that kept me in bed or in the bathroom. Couldn’t take pills for the pounding headache as they just coming back up…. Headache so bad, made me sick! Problem… I love wine and like most, like to relax with a nice drink of an evening or at the weekend. Solution: switch to vodka and tonic – a clean spirit. Headaches gone. Hangovers gone.

 

This morning, the problem – Mr Vodka had not been my friend. My head hurt and I could feel the tension all down my back. Maybe it wasn’t the 3 VT’s I had had the night before, but the tension of the previous day’s anger coming out?!   Either way, I needed a massage to help me rally. Solution… offer the boys £1 for 15 minutes of them walking up and down my back with their elbows or feet.

 

£4 later… headache gone.

 

 

Anger.

An emotion that totally overwhelmed me for half of today.

 

I hate it when I get angry, so I get even more angry.

 

And in the frustration and red mist, I can’t find a way to bring myself back in to the present moment.

 

I sprinted really fast around the park, but I couldn’t outrun it.

 

I ate through a bag of almonds angrily shoving them in my mouth, handful by handful, but it made no difference.

 

I shouted from my gut, frightening the boys … and probably the surrounding houses, but that didn’t help either.

 

I turned up the music really loud in the car and shouted along, trying to distract myself.  But it just annoyed me even more.

 

It was only when I fell asleep in the cinema and woke up to watch an angry red bird, that I realized I was being daft.

 

It is a pointless emotion, unless you are trying to rescue your baby eggs from evil pigs in a stone tower in make believe land.

 

 

So I am week 4 in to my ‘new’ job at the magazine.  And I feel like I am totally ‘winging it’… I really have no idea what I am doing in terms of cold calling… Each time I ring someone new or walk into a shop, I have no idea what I am going to come up against.

 

Some people are just delightful and friendly, listen to what I have to say, ask questions and either want the services I offer or politely decline.

 

On the other end of the spectrum, there are the obviously bored and downright rude and unpleasant!

 

It’s a little bit like the learning curve after starting my network marketing business, doing something totally new and totally against the grain (for me anyway).  You get both ends of the spectrum there too.  Although a little more hurtful when it’s your friends that are the rude ones!  But 3 years in, I am growing a thicker skin – I have learnt to ‘care’ less..  learnto feel sorry for those missing out on what I have to offer.

 

Same with the magazine too.. their loss!

 

Ultimately, in both scenarios, I feel like I am out to help, support, offer something that I feel is beneficial to them.  With that attitude in mind, it does hurt when people are rude or tittle behind your back.

 

I’ve gone on a tangent.  Back to winging it.

 

I ‘wung’ it this morning … making new pancakes for the boys at breakfast.  Winging it went down well.

 

I ‘wung’ it with cold calling restaurants and places to go with kids over the summer.  Winging it didn’t go down so well… Next!

 

I ‘wung’ it for tea – whatever was in the fridge, cobbled together… that was fine too!  Clean plates.

 

I am going to wing it for my training tonight on healthly living… I know it. I live it.  I’ll wing it!

 

All this winging it… it’s actually quite fun!

 

Plus, it meant that I had a cool day.

 

The best bit was arriving to pick up the boys from cricket and seeing Tom being bowled at by a big lad for the last bowl of the match and the last point to win it… and him knocking it over the boundary for 6.  Man of the match..  carried off the cricket green by his teammates on their shoulders!  That’s my boy!

 

I had a weird experience yesterday.

I felt frustrated, uncomfortable and annoyed. Initially I had thought it was directed at others, but really, I now believe it was a feeling reflected back on to me, having bounced off the words of others.

 

I am partaking in a group coaching programme which I have been so looking forward to, having had to delay the start after mum died the day I was due to join the Owl Tribe.  I am now part of the Kingfisher tribe, which is all about healing and love.  Last week’s group meditation was powerful and uplifting and I have had my Kingfisher on my shoulder ever since, protecting me with the warmth of a mother.

 

Last week, I was overwhelmed with warmth and love.  This week, I was choked by annoyance and frustration and a feeling I had to get away.

 

Our first exercise was to write down our ‘sob story’… what were the negative voices of the villain, the hero and the victim saying?  We had to really allow our voices to be as mean as possible and write it out and then say outloud.

 

But I just couldn’t find a sob story.  I started a few, but felt like I was just writing it down just to have something to say… I felt frustrated.  I love having something to say.

 

And one by one, the other Kingfishers shared their stories.  And all I could feel was more frustration as they shared their sob stories of lack of worthiness, lack of love, lack of health, lack of respect or recognition.  I wanted to shake them all and just say ‘get over it’!  your self pity is boring!

 

This coat of frustration was really uncomfortable and totally unlike me as I typically have a really good set of ears to listen to and words of empathy and compassion to share.  That just made me more annoyed.

 

And I took it as a sign as my wifi disconnected, that I should too, before I got really snotty.. or snooty even!

 

Overnight, and on my run to clear my head this morning, I realised that I got so agitated because each of the sob stories could have been mine.  Maybe that is why I couldn’t write one?  Because I have so many?

 

Or is it that I have had so many, but dealt with them… and chosen to not listen to my negative voices born from the past or fear of the future.  I have chosen and trained my mind now so much to only listen to the empowering voices and let them drown out the disempowering stories playing in my mind.  It’s always a word in progress, but being put on the spot, I chose not to write a sob story.

 

Or am I just overthinking this?

 

Was it just that the Big Man had just got home… and he was lying on the sofa with our gorgeous boys and all I wanted to do was be with them in a family huggle session with popcorn?

 

Or Was it that all my Arbonne friends were popping out promotions like popcorn in the microwave and I wanted to be part of the excitement rather than part of the sad, sorry, sob stories?

 

Or…

 

Is that I am just selfish when it comes to coaching.  I want the coach all to myself and don’t want to give air time to anyone else?  My time is precious… I want half an hour to myself to lift me, inspire me, guide me… rather than the odd moment in a group, have to listen to other’s issues, rather than just deal with mine?

 

And yet, I don’t like giving up!  or stopping something part way through.  The remainder of the session was all about telling the empowering story… and I missed it!  So I am frustrated at myself for missing out on that bit….

 

Oh god… too many voices in my head tonight!!!!  Time to sleep on it and make a choice and decision tomorrow and then stick to it.  No regrets.

 

 

 

All my men are home.

An epic 30 hour journey for the Big Man to get home from Bari to Yorkshire…

And for the first time in a long time, I just don’t want to blog!

I just want to revel in all the family being home safe..

 

Plus I want to celebrate all the success that is happening in Arbonne tonight!  People are smashing records and targets and growing their businesses incredibly.  I am so proud to be part of the excitement…

I just want to revel in the fact that I am part of a business where people are committed to helping others succeed before succeeding themselves and then celebrating everyone’s success collectively.

 

So that is what I am going to do!

 

 

I do love a kids film.  Especially in kids hour on a Sunday.

 

Not only do I get to have naughty treats by treating my little ones, but I get to indulge in finding the subliminal messages in the films.  All of them have them.  I think I have already written about Zootropolis and the Good Dinosaur… But watch any of them – nemo, turbo, toy story… overcoming obstacles, being the hero by finding the hero inside of you… good conquers evil… believing in yourself!

 

Today it was the Panda…. The big seemingly stupid Panda… but his creativity born from his laziness, his size, his love of food, his love of life, make him the hero.

 

Willy is currently obsessed by Kung Fu Panda and watches him on Netflix all time time… and I often hear him giggling away.  And since he has been so good while the other boys are away, it was his choice of movie.

 

So as always… you hear what you need to hear, whether it be from an inspirational speaker, a TED talk on youtube, a good audio book… you remember the bits that resonate with you most.

 

So what was it for me this time?

 

‘If you never do more than you can do now, you will never be more than you are now.’  Obvious really. But it goes hand in hand with ‘there is always something more to learn’.

 

I used to love routine, hated change.  Liked to know what I was going to do each day, repeating it day in, day out.  Funny really, given that I was part of and lead a team that delivered change pretty much consistently.  But nothing changed in my life really at all.

 

Maybe this message stood out for me because I am embracing so much change, trying so many new things, learning so much!  Being brave to tweak my routines… realising that the smallest change can lead to the biggest and best impact of all.  Stretching myself by trying something entirely new for my career.  Pushing myself to doing more than just my usual run by going for a triathlon, dusting off my bike.

 

Stretching means that whatever is being stretched wont go back exactly to how it was originally.  It will have ‘grown’.

 

‘You can’t teach them how to be you, but you can teach them how to be them’.  As a parent, our biggest role is a teacher… training them for life!  Society today seems to be all about creating mini versions of ourselves.  Filling the hours and days of our children’s lives with clubs and camps that we would like.

 

I read an article in the papers a year ago or so on how we were hell bent on ensuring our children were occupied all the time.  And by doing so we were stifling creativity in the younger generation.  Creativity is born from boredom… or even the space and time to think and be inventive.

 

After reading the article, I have been much more relaxed about what my children do and let them decide.  Yes, their immediate response is always ‘ipad or tv’… but there is no screen time until after tea and homework.  So I lead them to the door… or guide them to the playroom…

 

Tom has naturally amused himself with sport… any ball, any racket or bat.  But rather than just hitting against a wall, it is now the garage door… or he sets himself little challenges.

 

Willy has also veered towards the sporting side and they are often found playing together., But his hugely creative side has also emerged.  His magic box.  His 130 drawings.  And today, the loom band sling shot between two trees where I found him launching all his toys to see which would go the furthest.  (It was the snake.)

 

So I like this message a lot.  Yes teach them… but teach them to find out who they really are themselves.  Allow them the space to work it out for themselves… and then celebrate it!

 

And the last message..  Chi.  They were in search of Chi … A powerful energy that could give life.

 

And as the Panda was was just about to become green java stone… the energy of love poured out from the hearts of the panda community and gave him the strength to fight back.

 

And there we have it, as it has been said many times… The greatest power, is love!

 

 

 

IF yesterday was strange, today was wonderfully opposite!

 

Being just the two of us, Willy and I revelled in our similarities. I can see that he looks a lot like me… but his character is more like the Big Man.  Particular.  Fussy if you prefer!  Everything has to be perfect, the order of his loom band box, the way he stores his drawings, how he wears his clothes.. just like Mr OCD himself…

 

But today, we have just delighted in the other side of his nature.   The bit more like me.

 

We have snuggled in bed til a ridiculous hour.. just enjoying the moment!  Without Tom bounding around delighting in a new day or the Big Man wanting everyone up and dressed and fed before 9…It was sheer bliss.  Snuggling.  Watching tv in our pj’s from our little pit!

 

On arriving downstairs there was animal chaos!  The starving and un-walked dog was like a crazed lunatic of excitement!  Anyone would have thought she hadn’t had human company for a week…  And the poor cat.  Almost squashed.

 

So after our indulgent laziness we decided to get outside in the beautiful day.  Perdi does not like small dogs, having been attacked by one.  So we go to the quietest place we know that Willy can take his bike.  And it is here that Willy names us ‘the 3 lightenings’!  Willy is the coach and Perdi the obstacle… Willy counts me in for my HIIT sprints and Perdi tries to kill me by darting in front of me.

 

I am so lucky to live in a village and have friends who are so kind and supportive when the Big Man is away.  Last night, we were invited to supper and today to a lunch.  The adult company, wine, vodka lime granita and tomahawks a treat.  Willy gets to have some time to play… albeit in the boot of the car with 3 girls! (He didn’t’ want to get wet from the water fight that the other boys were having… I told you he was particular – wet clothes spells disaster.)

 

As we arrive home, the sunlight reminds me of South African ‘sundowner’ time… so I poor myself a long cocktail and while Willy gets creative with loom bands and drawing, I let my mind wander and out on paper and write one of the articles commissioned for the South Yorkshire magazine.

 

The peace is magical.

 

So are the moments, as the sun has set and Willy curls up with me to watch a movie… and he strokes my arm as I stroke his head.  He reaches up to give me rare kisses as I kiss his blond head.

 

Magical.

 

Actually, that is what today was.  Magical.

 

And the cherry was finding some photos of Tom having such a ball on Cub camp… I am so relieved to see his gorgeous, gregarious smile and laughing with his friends…

 

Strange day.

Strange as so quiet: only Willy and I.

Strange as no plan went accordingly:  traffic jam on the A64 messed that up!

Strange as no meal eaten at the right time:  breakfast smoothie in the car, random snacks in the car for lunch, beans on toast for tea.

Strange as no hangover:  despite many VT with blueberry’s…

Strange as feeling calm:  no urge to tick off jobs on my list.

Strange as head relatively empty: short blog

Strange day.

Strange.

Unusual.

Abnormal.

Peculiar.

Funny.

Random.

Bizarre.

Weird.

Puzzling.

Inexplicable.

Unfamiliar.

Unknown.

Alien.

Deviant?

 

Just strange.