I had a weird experience yesterday.
I felt frustrated, uncomfortable and annoyed. Initially I had thought it was directed at others, but really, I now believe it was a feeling reflected back on to me, having bounced off the words of others.
I am partaking in a group coaching programme which I have been so looking forward to, having had to delay the start after mum died the day I was due to join the Owl Tribe. I am now part of the Kingfisher tribe, which is all about healing and love. Last week’s group meditation was powerful and uplifting and I have had my Kingfisher on my shoulder ever since, protecting me with the warmth of a mother.
Last week, I was overwhelmed with warmth and love. This week, I was choked by annoyance and frustration and a feeling I had to get away.
Our first exercise was to write down our ‘sob story’… what were the negative voices of the villain, the hero and the victim saying? We had to really allow our voices to be as mean as possible and write it out and then say outloud.
But I just couldn’t find a sob story. I started a few, but felt like I was just writing it down just to have something to say… I felt frustrated. I love having something to say.
And one by one, the other Kingfishers shared their stories. And all I could feel was more frustration as they shared their sob stories of lack of worthiness, lack of love, lack of health, lack of respect or recognition. I wanted to shake them all and just say ‘get over it’! your self pity is boring!
This coat of frustration was really uncomfortable and totally unlike me as I typically have a really good set of ears to listen to and words of empathy and compassion to share. That just made me more annoyed.
And I took it as a sign as my wifi disconnected, that I should too, before I got really snotty.. or snooty even!
Overnight, and on my run to clear my head this morning, I realised that I got so agitated because each of the sob stories could have been mine. Maybe that is why I couldn’t write one? Because I have so many?
Or is it that I have had so many, but dealt with them… and chosen to not listen to my negative voices born from the past or fear of the future. I have chosen and trained my mind now so much to only listen to the empowering voices and let them drown out the disempowering stories playing in my mind. It’s always a word in progress, but being put on the spot, I chose not to write a sob story.
Or am I just overthinking this?
Was it just that the Big Man had just got home… and he was lying on the sofa with our gorgeous boys and all I wanted to do was be with them in a family huggle session with popcorn?
Or Was it that all my Arbonne friends were popping out promotions like popcorn in the microwave and I wanted to be part of the excitement rather than part of the sad, sorry, sob stories?
Is that I am just selfish when it comes to coaching. I want the coach all to myself and don’t want to give air time to anyone else? My time is precious… I want half an hour to myself to lift me, inspire me, guide me… rather than the odd moment in a group, have to listen to other’s issues, rather than just deal with mine?
And yet, I don’t like giving up! or stopping something part way through. The remainder of the session was all about telling the empowering story… and I missed it! So I am frustrated at myself for missing out on that bit….
Oh god… too many voices in my head tonight!!!! Time to sleep on it and make a choice and decision tomorrow and then stick to it. No regrets.