According to the online encyclopaedia – Wikipedia – the phrase pathetic fallacy ‘is a literary term for the attributing of human emotion and conduct to all aspects within nature. It is a kind of personification that is found in poetic writing when, for example, clouds seem sullen, when leaves dance, or when rocks seem indifferent.’
I am lying on the sofa looking out of the window at a very bright white sky that is producing torrential, persistent rain.
Pathetic fallacy. 
I feel pathetic… I can put on a bright white shiny smile but i can’t stop the tears – both inwardly and outwardly. I am not sure about the fallacy part. 
It seems grief can show up unexpectedly.. That it can have a sting in its whipping tail and you don’t really know when it will strike. 
I am looking forward to seeing the bright blue skies and sunshine smiles… 

My gorgeous sis and I had a long chat earlier this week.  It seems that 5 months on we are both going through an ‘emotional patch’, exhaustion, tearfulness, reflection…

 

She was introduced to the ‘Holmes and Rahe stress scale test’.  She told me I should look it up and give it a go.

 

One of my closest friends also gave me a good talking to. It wasn’t quite a telling off, but the message hit home.

 

My business partner sent me a book.  The blurb on the back talks about ‘erroneous zones’ and patterns that act as barriers to your success and happiness.

 

I am listening to the signs.

 

I looked up the H&R stress scale test.  It explained:

“The body is a finely timed instrument that does not like surprises. Any sudden change stimuli which affects the body, or the reordering of important routines that the body become used to, can cause needless stress, throwing your whole physical being into turmoil.”

 

I then had to score how many times a particular event had happened over the last 12 months ranging from death of family member, a varity of marital scenarios, school changes, vacations and even Christmas!

 

If your score was less than 150, the likelihood of illness in the near future was 30%, between 151-299 then 50% and if over 300 then around 80%.

 

The first time I did it as a quick tally, I got 428.  When I did it seriously, I got 480.  My sister also in the 400’s.  My sister had had the same reaction as me ‘but other people cope, why aren’t I?’.  The coach responded to my sister that comparing is not helpful and that everyone is different.  This is your life, your score.  No one else matters.

 

So I took from this that a lot of sh*t has happened in the last 12 months.

 

My close friend was clear when she said I did too much.   That I race at 150 miles an hour and then when that has gone on for too long, I collapse in a heap.  And that it just repeats itself over and over, like I am trying to prove myself.

 

So I took from that I do too much.

 

And the opening line of the book – ‘are you plagued by guilt and worry’… Yes.  However hard I try and turn it around, there is always the underlying and often initial feeling.

 

So I took from that I worry too much.

 

I reflected on all of this and rang the one person who has always been there to listen, who I don’t feel embarrassed to cry in front of.  My Dad.  Always my Knight in Shining Armour.  We have mapped out a strategic plan.  Now all I have to do is sleep on it… worry less…. and believe that everything will be ok in the end!  Not just ok actually… Amazing!

 

 

On the other side of my worry coin…

 

I deleted Facebook from my phone.  I love Facebook for the happiness that everyone shares, the inspiration, the happy faces.  In the last 2 days it has just been ugly.  I have no room for ugly in my life.  It seems like everyone wants to live in a democracy but yet on my timeline, all I see are Brexit haters, name callers… and not being very democratic at all!  Shouting about it on social media, is unlikely to change anything, definitely not the result earlier this week anyway.

 

But I did like this photo!  I still love all my friends, regardless of how they voted…  x

 

 

 

 

History was made today.The U.K. Voted to leave the EU.
I sit at the breakfast table surprised at the panic flying out from the screen of my Facebook feed and TV screen. So much so I have to turn it off…
We live in a democracy. 
The result is the result.
We can react in panic, respond to the propaganda, the frenzied whip up of negativity about the £ dropping, the possible impact on the markets, the NHS, immigration… And so much more.
Or we can choose to respond in a calm manner. And see it for what it is. Go about to our daily life and be grateful we live in a peaceful country, still part of Europe and continue to live abundantly. 
Great quotes I use to help calm my mind:
‘What you think about, you bring about’ 

‘Energy flows where your attention goes’ 
This is history. The decision has happened. Been, gone, past.
As a nation and as an individual we can determine how we write the next chapter.  
Do you want calm or panic? Prosperity or poverty?
I am going to live in the way I want this to play out… Calmly and positively.

A couple of words were poignant for me today…

 

Disease.  Dis-ease.  I remember hearing that in ‘The Secret’. Illness and disease stems from dis-ease… being ill at ease.  When we harbour bad feelings or thoughts about something, someone, some situation.  Those negative energies cause stress and stress can be the instigator of illness, both mentally and physically.

 

I know I put a lot of pressure on myself.  To contribute financially to our life through my job, my business but also to be a standout Mum to my boys.. providing them a safe haven as well as an environment of calm (not always the case on a morning!) and inspiration. I also put a lot of pressure on myself to ensure that I have enough time for me, my life, my hobbies, my joy.

 

All that pressure compounded over time and throw in some grief, some anger and frustration and the out of the boiling pot comes stress, dis-ease… and my body shutting down to tell me to chill out.

 

Communication.  In the calm after the 20 minute storm of getting the boys up, fed, cleaned, dressed and tidy and out of the door, the Big Man and I had time to stop and talk as we went up in to the village to vote.

 

Now that his mind has been put at rest that I do not have meningititis, cancer or a brain tumour, he made me speak my mind.  Pulled out my worries and fears and sadness.  He tries to fix me, the situation. He finds it difficult to recognise my grief for a woman he found difficult (probably because they were so similar)… He finds it frustrating that I have lost my confidence, when he still finds me brilliant and doesn’t understand how I can accept a monthly salary that I used to earn in a morning….   He finds it stressful because we are at ‘crunch point’ with big commitments, big dreams and only one ‘big’ job.

 

But with communication, we air and share our worries and conclude we are a team…  We have made our choices.  We have made our choices for the best of our family happiness now and for the future.  And now we just have to stick it out.

 

With a walk back from the polling station, maybe it is the fresh air and the conversation that eases my headache.    Maybe it is the virus running its course.

 

Either way – I progressed from 4 hours additional day sleep to just needing 1 hour.  I progressed from being supine in bed to actually making it downstairs to the sofa.  I managed to feel hungry and eat…

 

The ‘dis-ease’ is lifting and as a lovely friend reminded me today , tomorrow is another day.

The Guest House:

 

This being human is a guesthouse.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

Some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

Who violently sweep your house

Empty of its furniture,

Still treat each guest honourably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

Meet them at the door laughing,

And invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

Because each has ben sent

As a guide from beyond.

 

Rumi.

 

I happened across this poem today, through a friend.  Perfect timing.

 

As my blood results show all normal results, no pregnancy, no coeliac, no anaemia, no thyroid issues, no kidney or liver issues… All a huge relief and the voices of doom are silenced in my head (and the Big Man’s … who sweetly shared he was worrying I had cancer or a brain tumour!)…

 

So whatever ‘this is’.. virus or the ‘crowd of sorrows’ sweeping through my body that is leaving me with just enough energy to do the necessary tasks – loving my boys –  I am going to welcome it.

 

I will welcome it and trust and believe my energy will be back in no time, renewed and with some ‘new delight’ or purpose in store.

 

If I didn’t know that there was less than 1% chance of it happening, then I would say I was pregnant.

 

The same feeling of light headedness, like every action feels like you have to do it while swimming through treacle, constant nausea, wanting unhealthy food, or no food or a mountain of food the next moment…then being sick.  Headaches, stomach cramps … and  the feeling that someone switched off the energy source, that no amount of sleep can recharge.  Not to mention the emotional outbursts and tears for no reason.

 

I just don’t feel right… and I know I look after my health through good diet, exercise, mindfulness… So if it isn’t another little Mortimer, what is it?

 

Is it just simply exhaustion from swimming against the tide, through treacle but putting mind over matter and ignoring it for so long?

Is it just grief coming back to bite me?

Is it just a virus… something to get through?

Is it just the side effect of drinking Roundhay Park lake water?

Is it undiagonised diabetes, underactive thyroid, coeliac disease or iron deficiency… ?  The doc is checking…

Is the headache a sign of something worse?  I doubt it..
Or may be it is just the weather?!

 

My mind is in overdrive.  I wish someone would turn off my mind switch just as they have done my energy switch.  Switch it off until the virus / sadness passes or the blood tests show a definitive reason.

 

Today I went to open my little mac book to do some work, admin, reply to emails, write a health blog I have been meaning to do all week after my triathlete success…

 

But it wouldn’t turn on.  And a little sign came on with a plug and a red battery… Reconnect and recharge it implied.  I did as I was told.

 

I laughed a little too.  I have felt for the last 10 days that my battery has been fully drained too.  Sometimes you can top it up from half used… a good meal, a good bout of fresh air, a good rest, a good form of exercise.  But sometimes, it is good to let the battery run completely low and down… switch off.  And reboot.

 

I thought the triathlon coupled with too much social and work had totally wiped me out.  And I thought I had drained my batteries to an all time low.  So last week I was kind to myself.  I unplugged and let myself drain out before rebooting.

 

But what happens when you try to reboot and there is no green light?  No hint of ‘go!’.

 

A bit like my laptop…run diagnostics.

A bit like my laptop… new software installation required.

A bit like my laptop… patience.

 

The mortification when you realise your empathy fails and your immediate reaction is to lash out.  My hand is still stinging … and my heart still racing.  And I want to cry.  This is not how I imagined this evening.

 

I have been so excited all weekend watching my biggest boy having the most wonderful adventure on school camp..  I was so excited to pick him up and hear all his news.  But I could tell the moment he got in to the car next to me he was beyond tired.  His voice hoarse and his body language just shouted exhaustion.

 

I knew it was going to have to be a gentle hour or so and early to bed..  A hot soapy shower, a cuddle on the sofa, some pasta, a movie… and up to bed before 7.

 

As he realised it was only 6.54, the tired anger lashed out of him.  WE DON’T GO TO BED BEFORE 7.  WHY AM I GOING TO BED?

 

My calm rationalisation wasn’t enough for him – my calm repetition of cleaning teeth and going to the loo, only fuelled the anger in him.  His face getting redder.  WHERE IS DADDY?  I HATE YOU!  I AM WAITING FOR DADDY TO GET HOME!  WHY DON’T YOU RING HIM YOU STUPID LADY….  And so on.

 

I know he is tired.  I know he wanted to see his Daddy, his hero on Father’s Day … tell him all about his weekend..

 

I am calm.  I am so calm and aching for my tired little man…

 

So I am mortified that as Tom’s tired rage fires up, and his heavy electric toothbrush is fired at my head, my shocked reaction is to slap him hard on the shoulder.

 

My eyes are mirrored in his.  Our blue eyes, identically golden flecked reflecting back at each other in shock.  He darts past me and I am left stunned.

 

As I kiss Willy goodnight in another room, I hear Tom’s little sobs and shouts of GO AWAY!

 

10 minutes and I have let the situation diffuse.  I sneak in and lie by Tom.  Ruffle his hair and he tells me about his weekend.. and we apologise and kiss, nose to nose.

 

All is forgiven between us.

 

But can I forgive myself?

 

It was a sad day when I recognised that the grape was poison for me.. I love a glass of cool crisp white or rose in the sunshine… Or a dulcet smokey red by the fire. Sadly I can only have one. More than one and the impact on my head and digestion knocks me out for a day.
It is a sad day today as I recognise now that the grain is also poison. The second time in a couple of weeks and less than a handful of long clean drinks to take the edge of a busy week, but by no means enough to make me forget or fall over … And I find a second Saturday completely wasted as I curl and shiver in bed, holding a head that feels like it is in a vice. 
So no grape nor grain… 
It is a sad day. 
Sad because I will miss it and sad because I am sad because I will miss it!  But all I know is that I can’t waste any more days like this!!!
So it looks like my body will be a temple… With the exception of chocolate!!! 

I am not sure when exactly it was, but we very rarely watch the news anymore.  I used to watch it religiously as I got dressed in the morning for work and then again over supper in the evening.  I am not sure whether it has been lack of time or just apathy – can we really trust and believe what is said or shared?  Everything seems so one-sided – especially if you start digging or asking more question to get the full story.  Everything seems so depressing.  What happened to sharing good news?!

 

However, having said that, the news of the last week has been unavoidable.  I get breaking news flashes on my phone… and you can’t help but see and hear conversations on the radio and social media, at work, getting a coffee.  So much unrest in France with Euro 2016… Was it hatred, fear or confusion that caused the deaths or so many in Orlando?

 

But I have been deeply saddened by the loss of a young, working mother, killed so brutally and violently… and disturbed by how many MP’s needed their airtime this afternoon to pay their respects.

 

All of it has just driven home to me the importance of gratitude.  Giving thanks daily for all the things we couldn’t live without… the things you can’t buy or replace.  Family.  Time.   Health.  Friends.  Peace.  Love.

 

All the things we need more of in the world.