The other morning I opened up a surplus washbag tucked in the back of the cupboard and in it I found a stack of little hand written cards.  I felt a wry smile cross my face as I remember writing the inspirational quotes on the inch square pieces of paper to go in my purse a couple of years ago.

 

I had written them to help me refocus when I was feeling particularly low or lost or off course after a particularly devastating blow to my confidence.

 

It was like picking up old friends – well thumbed, stained and dog eared and I put them on my dressing table.  Each morning I have been flipping the top one over to see what popped up.

 

This morning’s card said ‘you are a reflection of the 5 people you spend the most time with’.

 

And again, I had a wry smile as I remember clearly writing this one and how much strength it gave me at the time to really take notice who I was spending time with and how that was impacting my character, attitude and life in general.  I started to take note of who I felt better around, who did I feel like I could be myself around, who lifted my spirits… and took even more notice on who drained me, made me feel inferior, nervous and uncomfortable.

 

It then became very simple.  Time is a commodity, our most precious commodity and so it became very simple to determine who I wanted to spend time with because I wanted to feel good, not worse.  I wanted to feel inspired, not ridiculous.

 

I look at my close circle of friends now, who I choose to spend my time with now and the difference in my confidence, my self worth, my positivity, my inner peace returned!

 

It’s no coincidence.

 

…..

 

In other news, I had the most gorgeous evening cuddling the newest member of our family… teeny tiny and only 2 weeks old.  She is so beautiful and content.  Just like her parents..  the 2 people she spends the most time with.

 

 

I am not quite sure what the word for the feeling I have is right now.  In the moment that you drop your kids off at camps on a Monday morning in the summer holidays.

 

There is the underlying twang of guilt for leaving them, mixed with relief at having some time to yourself and the opportunity to either crack on with sorting out the bomb site that is the kitchen and snug, empty the over flowing laundry baskets and put a load on while you get some work done without being disturbed, all sprinkled with excitement for some peace and quiet, just to sit in the sun and breathe for 10 minutes before cracking on.

 

It’s 10am, and it is baking hot in our courtyard garden.  The dog is lying on the cool Yorkshire flagstones or rolling in the grass.  And I am taking my 10.

 

And in my 10, I did a quick 5 minute screen scroll of Facebook.  I allow myself 5 minutes twice a day – it can be addictive but I get pleasure from seeing everyone’s happy faces and stories and plus, it is a place for central communication for my team and the groups I belong to. So 5 minutes to smile and sift; sift to find the important messages.

 

The important message that popped up at me today was that time passes; that so much can happen in a year, or even a decade.

 

FB reminded me that on the 15^th August last year, the Big Man left us to start a new job living in London.  We all focussed on the positives, the nice shiny car, the big pay cheques, weeks to focus on our work, weekends to focus on family.  The reality was totally different and we learnt from the experience, that we are a family who needs to live together.

 

On the same day, to distract ourselves from the departure, the boys and I went for a gorgeous walk to help my friend entice her baby out.  A year later, my beautiful goddaughter is about to turn one! 

 

A far cry from 10 years ago when I lay on a hospital bed waiting to see my first baby at 13 weeks, excited with anticipation to see it for the second time waving and kicking at us on the ultrasound…. Only to see it curled up, immobile and no heartbeat.  A devastating blow and reminder of nature and the body’s power.  A memory and a moment, I thought I would never recover from.  The memory is still there, and I can dredge up the pain of how I felt, if I wish, as I sobbed in to the Big Man’s chest as they left us alone.

 

But that sad mental image has faded over time and been replaced with so many happy moments and days…    as Facebook so readily reminds me.

 

I laugh now at the memory of me on 15^th August 2009 watching a 1 year old Tom Tom through a window to the outside as he threw toys on top of a swimming pool cover.  I could see his brain trying to work out how he was going to get them back…  but while Daddy was on ‘watch’ duty, he wasn’t watching.  I laugh even more at an enormous 40 week pregnant me waddling and barging through the party crowd to try and get to Tom…. Only to come outside to see another Daddy fishing him out of the pool already.  Funny now, only because we learnt a serious lesson that day too.

 

Facebook also reminds me that on 15^th August 2010 we were recovering from a fantastic wedding and that we were woken up by 1 and 2 year old angel faces at 6am in the morning… the only thing to make you smile after a night of cocktails and dancing.

 

In 2013, there are photos of our growing boys, happy and playing as we spend 15^th August in Harewood House eating ice creams and watching the penguins and I note that I have started my journey of gratitude ‘Feeling incredulous and grateful every day that we have these gorgeous handsome boys in our lives!”

 

And only 2 years ago, we had just arrived in Paradise as we had treated ourselves to a family holiday of a life time to Mauritius. Photos of our sun loungers, perfectly placed to watch our energetic boys splash in the clear waters of the sea.   A holiday the boys recount stories from to this day and photos we have all over the kitchen to remind us of how lucky we are and how much we want to go back!

 

So as I make new memories for the 15^th August today, I wonder, if I could show my Facebook reel for 15^th August to me back in 2006, would it have eased the excruciating pain of the time, knowing everything was going to work out for the best?  And work out far better than I ever had dreamed?

 

And what would she say to me?  Maybe there in lies the element of guilt I feel today. In the depths of pain and loss, maybe she wouldn’t understand why my children aren’t with me, attached to my hips?  In all honesty, I don’t think anything I could have said or shown myself / her back then would have made any difference.  My emotions too high, my dreams shattered, my mind closed with grief and disbelief.

 

Today, as I sit in the sun, with a totally open mind, a big dream and a big vision for the next decade, I wonder what my 50 year old self would say to me today?  What would my FB reel show?

 

One thing I do know, my desire for a family, for love, laughter and happiness as a family,  my determination for it to happen made it happen.    Through the choices I made, through the practice of gratitude and visualisation that my bereavement counsellor taught me all those years ago, my positive attitude and unwavering belief that it would happen, no matter what, no matter when or how, but my stoic belief just that it would.

 

If that’s the case, my 50 year old self would come back and tell me exactly what I know is going to happen.  No matter what.

 

And that whole thought process this morning was summed up by the opening chapter of my new book (Tony Robbins – Awaken the Giant Within)… “You have to stay committed to your decision… ” and “know that it’s your decision, and not your conditions, that determine your destiny”.  Whatever happens in life, bumps along the way, keep the goal in mind, reset, refocus and keep going until it happens.

 

 

 

 

 

There is not much going on in my mind today.  so in true journaling form, I reflect on the day and give thanks.

 

Thanks for my body accepting wine again!

Thanks for fun nights, late nights, pool nights and long, lazy lie ins.

Thanks for the fabulous Olympic coverage and all our incredible GB teams, showing everyone what our Great Island can do.

Thanks for the big cheeky smile of my big boy’s face, his sense of fun and enthusiasm lightening up the world around him.

Thanks for family time, cinema, popcorn and my littlest boys hand slipping in to mine and his body nestling into mine.

Thanks for my Big Man, walking the dog, mowing the lawn – I wonder what he is thinking with his head to one side?…

Thanks for it nearly being bed time soon…

 

The Mortimer household is loving the Olympics!    We got in last night just in time to see the incredible Men’s Team Pursuit nail biting final, cheering Wiggins and his team to gold.  And then today we have been shouting as a family at the TV willing on the Men and Women coxed 8’s on to the podium…  And tonight it is Super Saturday!  Come on Team GB!

 

And clearly, I have been loving all the motivational commentary.

 

The Men’s 8 coach Jurgen said the secret to their Gold Medal success was hard work, but making that hard work fun.

 

Sir Chris Hoy was sharing how winning the medals inspires those up next in the velodrome – ‘they believe if the system has worked for them, it will work for me!’ and that belief in themselves sets them up for success.

 

And the BBC commentators are coming out with some brilliant one liners for any one who has a dream, not only in sport, but for anything in life:

 

‘Believe in yourself and hang in there long enough, your dreams will come true.”

 

And

 

“Don’t dwell on the result until It’s history.”  Just get it done.

 

The discussion on our family dog walk today continued one of the topics of conversation on the Olympic coverage – who is the greatest Olympiad?  In fact, who is the greatest at anything in their field – whether it be sport, business or anything?

 

How do you measure that?

 

Is it the number of medals you have? That would be Michael Phelps internationally.

 

Or do you look at the duration they have stayed at the top? Wiggins, Redgrave with their individual incredible tally of medals and accolades in the UK spanning over a decade.

 

Or is your success over numerous disciplines, like the heptathletes?

 

Is it sheer speed like Bolt?  (the Boys’ favourite) or Mo for his incredible endurance and speed over massive distances?

 

Or do you base it on who inspires you?  Who has overcome the most challenges?  Who has had the major comebacks?

 

Or is it just simply a moment captured in time that gives you goosebumps?  The champion who becomes a legend in a split second?

 

Looking at all these incredible athletes, who have put in years of effort, their 10,000 hours of training to get them to the top of their game, they all have something in common – determination, a killer instinct and a no matter what will to win.

 

And belief.  That amazing ingredient…

 

‘I am the greatest’….

 

It seems that the Olympics is sending out a message to the world:

 

Hard work + Fun + Belief in Yourself =  Champion of your Field.

 

 

The brain.. So powerful.

The brain plus perception.  Even more so.

 

And while I have been reading up on the theory of the brain, how powerful the brain is on our thoughts, beliefs and therefore actions and results in terms of happiness and ultimately success, today I experienced this practically.

 

It all happened in the ‘house of cornfusion’.  (The corn is a play on words as we were in a corn maize maze and play park.)

 

It was so clever!  And while the boys ran ahead, their innocent brains just exploring and laughing at the wonky rooms, spinning tunnels, mirrored walls, my brain polluted by life and experience, made my body do weird things.

 

I have always suffered from a mild form of vertigo, can’t handle heights, cliffs or stairs without bannisters. As we walked through the black curtains and immediately stepped on to a bridge that was across a floor-less room, my whole body went in to crouch mode and I grabbed for the children out of instinct, pulling them away from the simple wooden rails for fear they would fall and die.  Half way across, I managed to look over the edge and even after I knew it was just mirrors, reflecting in to infinity, my legs were still jelly.

 

The wonky room!  It was just a sloping floor but it felt like gravity was pushing me down, down, down as if the room was on its side.  Again my body couldn’t fathom it, reacting only based on what it new, what it saw, rather than based on fact.  I felt drunk!  Couldn’t stop giggling, stumbling and being pinned to the wall no matter how hard I tried to walk…

 

But the strongest reaction was in the spinning tunnel.  As I peered in, I could see a bridge leading through a  spinning tunnel covered in fairy lights.  I was totally taken by surprise by the response of my entire body….As I stepped in to the tube, my legs gave way and I fell to one side and was pinned to the metal railings and I couldn’t move.  Clinging on to dear life!  My friend ahead was laughing but then realised I was in trouble… and so was Willy in front of me…  It was dark and he was confused.  If it hadn’t been for him, I would still be stuck there, dizzy, immobile, clinging on for dear life, dazed like a deer in the headlamps.

 

“THE BRIDGE ISN’T MOVING” I screamed silently in my head, then out loud and over again, closed my eyes to shut out the spinning until I got to Willy and pushed him through to the other side.

 

As soon as I stepped off. I was totally fine.

 

My brain made my body respond based on what it perceived to be true, but not based on fact.

 

It was an absolutely practical depiction of what I have been reading on the power of the brain, how to rewire it.  Perception can be seen from both angles and can lead to totally different results.  Perception can be based on fact or fiction, reality or imagination, smoke and mirrors, science or magic.

 

And it all boils down to choice.  Is your reality based on choosing fact or fiction?  And if you want a different reality, can you choose to see things differently?  Can you re-wire your brain to believe what is real when it perceives reality to be something different?

 

I know in the last month, I have been working hard daily on my thoughts and beliefs and I can see my reality changing daily.  The results speak for themselves in terms of my attitude, my happiness, my health, my stress levels….

 

Perception is everything.

 

And a good friend to laugh with when you perceive things wrong!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lists.  I love lists.  I have always had lots of lists.  Lists for each ‘hat’ of my life.  I find lists in books left by my Mumbo and lists littering the surfaces of the kitchen at Dad’s.  They are part of my life.  I inherited the ‘list gene’.

 

Until today.

 

A couple of weeks ago, my new crush (aka Tony Robbins) was talking about lists.  He referred to them as reasons for us to see ourselves as failures every day for the things we didn’t do and worry and stress about all the things we still have left to do.  He suggested that rather than write lists, we focus on the outcome of what we want… by focussing on the outcomes, we will know what we need to do in terms of action and activity.  Thus making lists redundant.

 

Totally threw me in to a spin!  I couldn’t imagine myself without my lists, my safety nets, my security blankets.  I had to listen to it again and digest it for a while.

 

And yesterday while I was running, the topic of lists came up again on the audio I was listening to.  And the way she explained it, made it all so very simple.

 

You can keep adding to lists, as and when you think of things to do.  And think you are going to do it.  And you will, maybe eventually… or you will just do the important stuff, and leave the rest until it becomes important.

 

Or you can just think of something and rather than writing it down, you can just do it.  Think. Do. Done.

 

This is so powerful, especially in the things that you don’t want to do or fearful of doing.  A bit like Brian Tracy’s ‘eat the frog’.  Just get the important stuff, the scary stuff done first.  Just like Gary Keller’s ‘The One Thing’, keep drilling down so you just do the one thing that is going to make the biggest difference in your life or your purpose or the task at hand.    And do that.  No lists required.

 

So I have been applying this new theory.  What’s the point of learning stuff from the successful and then ignoring it?

 

I still plan my day – segments of my day carved out for the various different priorities, but in those moments, I think what is the most important thing I need to do.  And I just get to work.  The most important thing comes to mind.   When you work like this as my audio said “don’t let propaganda campaign of procrastination knock you off track”.

 

No lists to cross off.

 

No lists to look at to worry about how much left I have to do!

 

No noise in my head as I just think in the moment.

 

Loving it!  I was worried I would forget stuff… but I haven’t.

 

Think.  Do. Done.

 

Hello new mantra.

Authenticity.  How do you know if you are being authentic, how do you know if someone is showing you their authentic self?  I always just took authenticity to be a deeper form of honesty, integrity and truth.

 

It was the chapter in my book today..  It explained authenticity as also being brave enough to show your vulnerabilities.  But there is a fine line, a delicate balance between showing too much of one or the other;  being too open and honest especially in certain circumstances or with certain people can leave you too ‘vulnerable’ to being taken advantage of or treated badly.  But closing up, hiding your true self or feelings can lead to isolation, without anyone knowing to show compassion.

 

I have definitely taken steps to show my vulnerabilities and I have felt the compassion and I have healed through the love and kindness others have shown me, but also that I have shown myself.

 

And now I am working on being my authentic self, really working on what and who makes me tick. And not feeling embarrassed about my dreams, shrinking away when others share their less than positive opinions.

 

Every change starts with a small step… so I am changing the way I answer the universal question ‘how was your day, dear’ in the evening as the Big Man comes home, telling him a story that I think he wants or needs to hear, but telling him really how I honestly feel.

 

He is often tired from a day in the office, fulfilled, but tired.  And I feel guilty that I have had a good day!  Which is ridiculous when I write it out or say out loud.  I feel I have to show compassion or sympathy by pointing out the tough bits in my day.

 

But today I was authentic.  I lived the day as my authentic self, no apology, no guilt and I had a great day!  A gorgeous morning chilling with the boys, enjoying their company, making their packed lunches before walking in to our beautiful village to tennis camp.  I spent the hours in between doing things I loved, researching how I can publish my book, growing my business by sharing the information on how others can also have days that they can say were magical; reading in the sunshine and running to music in the beautiful countryside surrounding our house.  And then finally, picking up the boys again and being a Mum – cooking healthy meals, laughing with them, reading to them and now cuddling on the sofa before bed…

 

I had a great day!  Why would I hide that? As the book said – if people don’t like your authentic self, they have no place in your life…

 

We all have a choice… to share our authentic selves, our vulnerabilities.  We all have a choice how to live our days – in an office, in the garden, in the city or on a beach selling coconuts!

I am not naturally spontaneous.  In fact I like to ‘plan in spontaneity’… or that’s what I asked the Big Man to do when he asked that weekends could be left free so he could do what he liked in the moment…

 

But I must be getting better.  Rather than totally freaking out and giving every excuse under the sun about not being able to get organised in time – ie. find a babysitter, get the boys to bed, the fact that I had defrosted supper already… at 4pm on receipt of an email from the Big Man asking if I wanted to join him in Leeds for ‘Date Night’, I felt excited!

 

With my frequency on the highest level, things fell in to place, Granny got back just in time from golf to babysit, a friend who had popped in for a cup of tea offered to drive me in to Leeds, I got ready in 20 minutes, put the supper back in the fridge, left the boys with snacks and ready for bed… and jumped in to my ride!

 

I could get used to this new life… flying by the seat of my pants!!

 

 

 

 

 

Oooh… what a message.  Actually two! And one through each boy today…

 

Tonight, I decided to chill on the sofa with the boys as they had their quiet time.  Tom’s favourite programme to watch at the moment is ‘Once Upon a Time’… It is actually quite clever… and gripping!  All the characters from all the best fairy tales are living in a parallel world called… ‘Storybrooke’..  (love it!)..   great actors, great stories… great make believe!

 

As I snuggled up with Tom, we learn that one of the dwarves is dreaming of leaving the diamond mine and going off to sail the seas with his fairy love! He is excited, passionate, hopeful… and happy, making plans, designing his boat…  But as he shares his plans with his loved ones, his brothers, his friends and colleagues, over and over they tell him he is a dwarf and that dwarves, they don’t fall in love, they work hard mining all day and sticking at what they know.  The more they tell him this, the more his excitement and passion dwindles, fades, he loses belief, faith and hope… until he gives up on his dream and says goodbye to his love and picks back up his axe, branded with his name ‘Dreamy’.  He swings with power, born of anger and frustration, so much so that his axe breaks.  When the boss hands him a new one… the magic brands his new axe ‘Grumpy’.

 

On the other side of me, Willy is plugged in to YouTube brushing up on everything Pokemon, getting excited at each new pack that is opened and each new exciting card.. sometimes bouncing off the sofa in disbelief that the vlogger could be so lucky!

 

Willy is passionate and excited about his Pokemon dreams… so who am I to quash his dreams and plans.  Having let him follow through his ideas of selling his toys and making money, the universe is receiving his message and through action and determination of his intentions, staying focussed and not being dissuaded, people and events are conspiring to make it happen!  Not always in the way he expected but he is ending up with money to buy pokemon in different ways or being sent them in the post from other young Pokemon lovers…  The Magic of the Law of Attraction coupled with intention and purpose.

 

I much prefer this ‘dreamer’ son, happy son…. I definitely don’t want a ‘grumpy’ one…   So it’s time to be Snow White again … and be not only my own biggest cheer leader, but for that of Willy and Tom and anyone else who needs encouragement, support when they feel like everyone else is dampening the fire of their dreams….

 

And so ‘Once upon a time’ can end up in ‘happily ever after’.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I was shampooing my hair in the shower, it dawned on me, that belief is the key.

 

It was a strange moment.  A split second as I opened my tilted my head back and then forth, swept the hair from my eyes and as I opened them, a single word ‘belief’ rang like a chiming bell in my mind.

 

Over the last month I have been focussed on re-wiring old beliefs and thought patterns, reading new statements, new truths and re-writing the stories I tell myself.

 

In that moment, I thought of the successful people I have been following, listening to.. and all the happy people I know and have been surrounding myself with.  They all have a deep seated belief that everything will turn out ok, exactly just as they expect it to be, desire it to be and spent focussed time visualising it to be… and believing it will absolutely be reality.

 

They turn their dreams in to reality through focussed belief… and that stoic belief powers intention which in turn fuels the wheels of action.

 

I then smiled.  A big vision of Father Christmas popped in to my mind.  AS a child, I absolutely believed that the Big Jolly Man himself was real…. I dreamt about my presents, my stocking full of goodies.  On Christmas Eve with my sister, I would lay out our offerings alongside our stockings and letters and go to bed knowing with absolute belief and certainty of what would happen the next day.  I could see it!  There was no excitement like it!

 

When the belief faded, I may have played along but the magic had gone…

 

To bring the magic back, I have a couple of my favourite quotes by the mirror in my bathroom….

 

“The secret of having it all is believing you already do.”

And I so know I do.  My belief and gratitude make my life pretty magic!

 

“Believe in yourself and you will be unstoppable.”

And now I have crystal clear vision of where I want to go, what I want to create… the work I am doing on reprogramming my mind is powering this belief in myself…  The wheels are in motion, momentum is picking up speed!

 

I believe!!!