Today has brought clarity.

 

Amazing what a good night sleep, an uplifting 30 minutes of meditation flooding my mind with positive, happy thoughts and feelings to drown out the harmful, painful memories and images of yesterday, a real belly laugh and a heartfelt compassionate discussion with a friend can do.

 

As I drove to pick up the boys, Bon Jovi’s ‘Always’ came on my playlist.   And there came the clarity (despite the cheesiness!).

 

‘And I will love you, baby, always

And I’ll be there forever and a day, always

I’ll be there, til the stars don’t shine

‘Til the heavens burst and the words don’t rhyme

I know when I die you’ll be on my mind

And I’ll love you, always.

 

Now your pictures that you left behind

Are just memories of a different life

Some that made us laugh

Some that made us cry

One that made you have to say goodbye.’

 

I am still the little girl inside and I want the fairytale.

I want someone to say those words and say it with the passion that Bon Jovi sings it and mean it.

I want someone who loves me for me, my bad and wobbly bits just as much as my good and beautiful bits; someone who makes me feel like I am enough, just the way I am, but who makes me feel ‘whole’ when I am with him.

I want someone who will put me and my boys first, before themselves, always, unconditionally.

I want someone who is generous, kind and abundant in all things.

I want romance and true love, laughter, adventure and fun!

I want honesty, trust and peace in my heart knowing I have found the one person I want to spend the rest of my life with, grow old and wrinkly but still hold hands and fall asleep in each others arms.

 

And I want to celebrate when I find it, I want to dance in the starlight with the grass under my feet with the one person that I want to put first in my life, be generous, kind and loving towards… with no strings attached.

 

Everyone deserves no less than that.  One life, to make it count.

 

As Esther Perel suggests, my first marriage is over.  The rings that remind me of too much pain being handed back.

 

I want a second chance at the fairy tale.

 

I am on Day 13 of ‘May cause Miracles’ and today my affirmation has been ‘Today, I commit to miraculous shifts. Forgiveness will be my guide.’

 

I believe in miracles and I choose to believe in fairytales.

 

When your head and your heart are in sync, I believe you can feel like you are in a state of ‘synchronicity’:  events seamlessly falling in to place to create meaningful manifestations of what your heard and heart intend.  It is a wonderful thing!  And it is magical, miraculous and you feel like your essence is joy.  You feel like you are walking on air, life is easy and breathtaking…

 

I have been there.

 

When your heart is ruling your head, I believe you can feel like you are in a state of beauty but there is an underlying feeling of vulnerability:   Your heart exposed, open and you may not care, because your heart is full and loud and is choosing to ignore your head full of warnings.  Your senses are alive and while it is scary, it is at the same time exhilarating, the exposure dauntingly, daringly and tantalisingly risky.   You feel punch drunk with dreams, hope and love.

 

I have been there.

 

When your head is ruling your heart, I believe you can feel like you are in a state of control, of power but there is a latent, repressed sadness dangerously laced with anger, bitterness and resentment.  Your head is dominant, domineering, risk mitigating, planning and calculating.  There is a void in your heart that is cold and a knot in your stomach that is clenched.  You feel empty, numb, prepared and yet ready.

 

I am there.

 

The tussle between my head and heart is exhausting and while I have been willing to following my heart the last couple of weeks, my head has taken a stand and locked my heart away to protect it.

 

Just for a while, says my heart.

 

I hope, says my heart.

 

The F word.

 

It has been floating around me and my head like a bad smell.  Always there.  Teasing me.  Telling me to look at it.

 

Forgiveness.

 

I tried last week.  I did a meditation on it… focussed on one of the things I needed to forgive.  But I got so stressed and angry, I had to turn off… and go back to a calming mindfulness session in stead.  It was just too hard.

 

And I have kind of avoided it since then.  Too hard to face in to.

 

Until today.  And Louise Hay and ‘healing your life’ came into my life and her first chapter is on Forgiveness. The F word.

 

‘Forgiveness is a tricky and confusing concept for many people, but know that there’s a difference between forgiveness and acceptance. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you condone their behavior! The act of forgiveness takes place in your own mind. It really has nothing to do with the other person. The reality of true forgiveness lies in setting yourself free from the pain. It’s simply an act of releasing yourself from the negative energy that you’ve chosen to hold on to.’

 

Her soft voice in the confines of my car, my ‘university on wheels’, in the dark as I went to collect one son from school (the other poorly in bed) gave me some level of some relief and understanding.

 

Forgiving isn’t condoning, nor is it accepting, or understanding.  It is just letting go, setting yourself free.

 

And I could really do with some relief from the pain, by setting myself free.

 

And it was her next words that really made my shoulders relax and my heart open to hear what she has to say..

 

‘To release the past, we must be willing to forgive.  We may not know how to forgive, and we may not want to forgive, but the very fact we are willing to forgive begins the healing process……. You don’t need to know how, just be willing.  The universe will take care of the how.’

 

And yet… should I?

 

The S word.

 

Should.

 

Should I be willing to forgive?  Should I forgive in order to heal myself?  Should I leave it up to the Universe to work out the how?  Should I?

 

And then the Universe did… for the second chapter of her book told me what to do with ‘should’.

 

Firstly shove it where the sun don’t shine!  Should is just another way we hold ourselves to ransom, doing things we feel we ought to do because someone else told us, or because you want to please them, or because it is the way society believes it should be… and so on.  But secondly, she shared an exercise on ‘should’ and how to turn it to ‘could’ which then gives you choice.. and then the ability to let it go.

 

My lists of should is long.  Really long.  But a subset..

 

I should forgive.

I should let ‘it’ go and focus on the future.

I should work to distract myself.

I should help my team.

I should serve my clients.

I should go for a coffee or a walk with the friends who ask me.

I should get up.

I should get out.

I should go for a run.

I should eat.

 

And so on…

 

Then she asks you to ask yourself ‘why’, why should you?

 

Because it is the right thing to do for my family, for me, my health, my sanity.

Because I am afraid not to.

Because I want to be at peace.

Because everyone keeps telling me to.

Because they deserve it.

Because I made a commitment

Because I need the income and to contribute financially.

Because I need to stay healthy, slim, attractive.

 

And this is where she says you can see where you are stuck in your own limitations and beliefs and you are telling yourself that by not doing what you ‘should’ you are telling yourself you are wrong.

 

So I am with her to this point and I find it fascinating…  My personal rule book pretty strict and definitely needs relaxing and reviewing.   But it is the final part that is truly liberating.  She then says to replace the sentence to start with ‘If I really wanted to, I could’ and at the same time, ask yourself ‘why haven’t you?’.

 

If I really wanted to forgive, I could.  But I don’t want to.  Because I am afraid, scared of what it will mean, what it will lead to and what others with think….

 

And I suppose that is the only one on the list that really matters.  Because I can let all the others go.  They can all come off the ‘should’ list, they are all about pleasing others and fitting other people’s standards.  I can let all those go.  Gone.

 

This is the only one that matters.  And I come full circle.

 

I should forgive…  needs to go.

 

Instead, I read:

 

If I really wanted to, I could be willing to forgive, even though I don’t want to forgive but by doing so, I am allowing the universe to take care of the how.

 

And so here I will stay; slightly more at ease, and definitely less anxious at the bottom of my ocean, willing to be open to forgiveness, rather than forcing it upon myself.

 

And I will continue on to chapter 3.

 

I love hearing people speak about their experiences, paying it forward by sharing their findings and learnings whether that be on TED talks, You Tube, Soundcloud and always when I am lucky enough, in person.

 

I have been privileged to be a friend who has mentored me and advised me in the ‘thought’ process and whose personal development journey and growth I have followed in the footsteps of.  Although not on the same path directly, I have been inspired by her commitment to becoming a better version of herself, and that has made me want to continually improve myself, recognise and be aware of where I need to improve, what I need to work on.

 

And interestingly, it always comes back to the mind and your thoughts.  Today she shared this phrase by Lao Tzu, which I love and remind myself of daily:

 

‘Watch your thoughts,

for they become words;

Watch your words,

For they become actions;

Watch your actions,

For they become habits;

Watch your habits,

For they become your character;

Watch your character,

For it becomes your destiny.’

 

It all ties in to the same ‘Secret’ teachings of thinking positive thoughts and Robin Sharma’s mental gardening with consistent fertilising of the mind of good things and weeding out the harmful negative self talk.

 

And yet while I am here on my rocky bed at the bottom of the ocean, it takes huge effort, daily focus to mind my mind, acknowledge the dark thoughts and search for the light and loving ones. The sun and the clouds.  And sometimes, all of the sudden, the clouds are so dark, the pressure of atmosphere so intense, the weight of the volume of the sea above me crushing my chest.

 

But I am letting it.

 

There are times to acknowledge the unhelpful negative thoughts, recognise them as the ego protecting you from what you fear and letting them go, enabling you to move forward towards your destiny.

 

But there are also times, that I also believe when the sad thoughts, heavy thoughts should be given the time to be acknowledged in a different way, not to let go but to allow them in, allow the intensity of them trigger emotions, so that you can feel the unhappiness and more importantly, the pain.  To run from pain, means that you will always be running, until they either catch you or eventually you will end up exhausted and but you won’t have the strength to face them, so they consume you.  To turn and face the pain, the intense emotions brought about by negative thoughts takes courage.  And as Glennon Doyle Melton so eloquently advises – you have to look in to the pain in order to find the jewels that give you the lessons in life.

 

So while I am down here, I can also say I am looking for oysters.  Looking for the pearls of wisdom that only come through the healing process after acknowledging pain.

 

A month or 2 ago, it was the day the pan caught fire in the kitchen and the loo leaked a waterfall into the snug.   Perhaps it was a sign of the havoc and ruin that was about to happen.

 

The pan was hot, firey and was put out in a moment, extinguished with a wet towel and thrown in the bush.  No real damage, just a burnt tea towel which was immediately discarded and a bit of baking soda and a good scrub sorted out the blackened pan.

 

No biggie, sorted and resolved pretty quickly and nothing to see.

 

The hidden, slow, undetected lavatory leak, culminating in a final waterfall caused a lot more damage.  A swollen solid oak door frame, an oak skirting board bowed away from the wall and a permanent water mark down the blue wall and brown patches on the cream of the ceiling.

 

Once the leak was found and the stop cock turned off, the water was unable to continue its destruction.  The plumber did think he had fixed it once, but was mistaken and left, only to have the leak start it’s silent devastation again with more fervour, until it was unavoidable to miss, the waterfall threatening to bring the whole lot crashing down.

 

It’s taken 2 months for the oak to dry and return to its natural shape.  It’s taken the same length of time for the wall and ceiling to dry.  The marks or ‘scars’ of the incident obvious for all to see as they enter the room.

 

Today, we decided it was time to give the snug a fresh new look, the scars of the event healed somewhat, faded enough so they won’t threaten to show through.

 

The act of painting was part of the healing process itself in a way, almost tender in the preparation of softly cleaning and dusting it, gently protecting the edges with masking tape, taking our time.  The whole family helped, brushes and rollers, methodically moving up and down, starting at one end, finishing at the other and repeating.

 

And when we were done, the dust sheets were put away, the pictures, sofas and furniture back in their rightful place.  And no one would really notice the difference.

 

Except we do.  The colour is a different shade.  A softer, subtler, warmer, more respectful tone.  Fresher, brighter, cleaner and leaving the atmosphere much lighter.

 

No sign of the damage, no sign of the scars after time and a fresh start.

 

I am not sure whether it was the Reiki, the reflexology or a severe lack of sleep (weeks of insomnia, topped off with a poorly child), but today, even my brain was quiet.  It was a day without a breath of wind to jostle the sails, a day of just floating on the surface of a flat sea.

 

Today I stopped trying to rationalise the un-rationable, understand the incomprehensible.

Today I stopped looking for answers, parallels, patterns, details.

 

And tonight I am eating pizza, trying not to overthink how the one person who could hurt me so much, cause so much grief is the only person who can provide the intensity and level of comfort I crave.

 

I got through another week.

 

My parents were by no means hippies.  They were very traditional; my legendary dad, hard working, professional, pillar of the community, big network;  my lovely Mumbo, home maker, dress maker, meal maker, baby maker…

 

But they both believed in health and complimentary therapies.  My Dad always promoted playing hard as much as working hard, and by playing he meant sport…   My Mumbo was very health / food conscious, always making wholesome meals from raw ingredients, and on special occasions lashings of butter and cream from her European upbringing.  While my Dad played sports he also did pilates and yoga with my Mumbo.. My Dad still does his stretching routine most days…

 

While they believed in science and medicine, they also promoted the holistic therapies.  My Mum an avid fan of reflexology and they both regularly had kinesiology, something they introduced me to during the stressful exam times of my life.

 

So it is no surprise that I am also open minded to these alternative therapies.

 

Today, I embraced a double.  Reflexology and Reiki by the most wonderful practitioner.  While she works on my feet, finding the knots and pressure points, I drift off and I float somewhere in that beautiful space of unconsciousness before sleep.  And again while she performs Reiki, I allow my mind and thoughts to fly through my mind, creating a tornado that I just watch and let myself be lifted up off the bed until I could no longer feel it, just the warmth of her hands as she found different energy patches around my body.

 

While I find the whole thing wholly uplifting, healing and spiritual, it is always the ‘findings’ of her practice that interest me.  She explains that my stomach is in knots, which is no surprise.  I have learnt my IBS is always triggered by stressful events, rather than food.

 

And Reiki, she explains, while she can see the energy like the heat from a hot runway over my body (so she can redistribute it evenly), she also gets imagess passed from me to her.

 

My heart chakra is grey, but there is green in other areas around my body.  I take that to mean there is still a lot of love in me, just displaced… rather poetically, from my broken heart?

 

The 3^rd eye chakra is in the crown of your head, and represents spirituality as the colour purple.  And I take comfort in I have more than the common amount of purple; I am in touch with my spiritual side and I know that is giving me strength.

 

The image of a big sun appears regularly, and the rays of sunlight breaking through the dark clouds.  It reminds me of the passage I found once when trying to help a friend with depression:  you are the sun and it is the clouds that represent depression; they pass over you, but you are still the sun.  And I take comfort in that too, I know I am the sun, my natural state is ‘sunny’ and I am just hiding behind the clouds for a while… just showing a few people my rays.

 

And the last 3 images: a herd of elephants on my chest and eagles around me.  Both of these representing strength and courage.

 

Reading up on the elephants… is rather interesting with the parallels they highlight.

 

It is the size of the elephants that represents strength and the ‘dream well’ explanation says ‘Elephants then can appear in dreams when we are drawing on great inner reserves of strength.  It may be that we feel there are significant challenges to overcome, or a heavy burden to bear.’

 

As well as strength they are linked to phrases such as ‘the elephant in the room’ – something significant in our lives that we need to address…  and a ‘white elephant’ which is seen as a burden, one that is expensive to keep but even harder to get rid of.…  Interesting.

 

And I love this parable about the elephant…

‘Ultimately, our perception of elephant dreams will reflect our other perceptions of life.  Like the Buddhist parable of the three blind monks who felt a different part of the elephant’s body – one felt the leg and assumed he was touching a tree, another his trunk and thought he held a snake and the third felt the elephants side and believed it be a wall – to really understand the dream we need to look at it in it’s entirety, and not judge it simply by one part.’

A reminder that I need to keep the bigger picture in my mind and not just singular events.

 

So to the eagle…

‘When an eagle appears, you are on notice to be courageous and stretch your limits.  Do not accept the status quo, but rather reach higher and become more than you believe you are capable of.  Look at things from a new, higher perspective.  Be patient with the present; know that the future holds possibilities that you may not yet be able to see.  You are about to take flight….. If an individual has been going through a hard time, eagle not only signals a new beginning, but provides that person with the stamina and resilience to endure the difficulties. If eagle has appeared, it bestows freedom and courage to look ahead. The eagle is symbolic of the importance of honesty and truthful principles.’

 

All of this information, I take so much comfort from.  I can be and I am the heard of elephants; I am going to need to be in order to have the strength to do what I need to do.  And the parable of the elephant and the vision of the eagle remind me I need to take my time to reflect on the whole, not just the recent past or the current moment, nor the future or the longer term past.  I am back to trusting in the Universe, only it knows what the future holds.

 

So to the third image, which she hesitated on telling me as she didn’t understand it’s meaning, because of it’s unusual and persistent appearance during the session.  It was the Eiffel Tower… but upside down.

 

Paris has fallen.  The white elephant gone.

 

Just the sound of the herd of elephants keeping my heart beating strong with the true meaning of courage and the mighty eagle keeping my vision clear and the patience to see it through.

 

So this ‘the Universe has your back’ concept…. ‘the secret’ and the ‘Law of Attraction’.  I believe in it.  Since I first read all about it over 3 and half years ago, I believed it, I loved it and I embraced it!  It made total sense to me and I could see in my previous 37 year years how I had used it without realising.  And it changed my life from negative, to positive;  from scarcity and lack to abundance and gratitude;  from wishing and hoping to believing and manifesting.  It gave me confidence that I was in control of my intentions, but the added certainty and security knowing there was a greater force in play that was protecting me, guiding me and giving me everything and everyone I needed to live the life I was destined to live;  a great life, an extra ordinary life and one of servitude and inspiration.

 

But now… today.  I am confused… and I am trying to work out the confusion.  And here at the bottom of the ocean, with all the external noise muffled, I can only hear the sounds of my thoughts and the sounds of my breathing.  So I am going to try and work it out.

 

A few of the statements from the books I have read about the LOA and the power of the ‘The Universe’ that I am currently reflecting on:

 

‘The law of attraction is like a giant photocopying machine, giving back to you exactly what you are thinking and feeling.’

 

‘Appreciation of what you have brings you what you want.’

 

‘All you have to do is ask and believe, and then get yourself on the receiving frequency of goodness.  You don’t actually have to do anything else.  The Universe will do all the moving of things, including moving you.’

 

So if I take that all in to account and if I look back through my journals, my gratitude logs and my blogs for the months of the summer, I was Joy!  I was happy!  I was in love!  I was grateful for all the love, health, honesty, happiness, success in my life and I was ecstatic because I knew it all to be true.  I believed in my life as it was and I was on the highest vibrational frequency possible!  I could see my future so clearly I could taste it!  I could see my growing family, my new beautiful home, huge success in my business from helping so many others, my New York Times Best selling books loading the shelves, interviews about my blog and related topics of Alzheimer’s, grief and loss, mindfulness, happiness, modern motherhood, being enough through self love and the law of attraction.

 

So because I could feel it with such intensity, because I appreciated it all…   did I bring this awfulness, attract this horrendous situation leaving me on the ocean floor, to myself?

 

I stop dead in my tracks.  Is that possible?  Is this all my fault?  My doing?  My creation?

 

As a writer, a novice writer with ‘Playing Big’ ambitions, the content of the last year made for interesting reading.  But this… this situation has sky rocketed my audience, my readers… Did this have to happen for me to be a success?  To give me amazing content to write a book to help others, show them how to go to the bottom of the ocean and rise like the Goddess of the sea Amphitrite in the arms of her true God Poseidon?

 

As a mother, a wife, a woman with a girlish heart, I was delighted with my yellow dress and blue hair, dancing to the sound of my happy life, grateful for all the honesty, truth, love and light in my life…   So did this happen because the Universe knew it was all built on lies and deception and therefore had to reveal the truth so I could genuinely live that life?

 

Can I go back and remove that wish?  Can I go back and change my mind? All of it!?

 

Would I rather play small and have a quiet life?

 

Would it mean that I never would have fallen down a rabbit hole and ended up at rock bottom in the deepest depths of the ocean looking up and wondering all this?

 

Did I bring it on myself? Am I to blame?

 

Blame… it’s easy to blame someone else… something else… like him, like the universe.  But maybe it is no one’s fault?  And here I am reminded of Brené Brown and her thoughts on ‘Blame’.

 

‘I would rather it be MY fault, than no one’s fault…  it gives us a sense of control…. Research shows blame is simply the discharging of discomfort and pain.  And it has an inverse relationship with accountability.  And accountability is a vulnerable process.’

 

Do I feel better for taking control of this and accepting accountability and blame for this situation?  Is it alleviating my pain and discomfort?

 

Not really.  That all just seems a little unfair.

 

So if I am back to ‘blaming’ the Universe, or rationalising it through the Law of Attraction…   What is it that this bigger power force has in store for me?

 

Whatever it is… Whatever happens… I am reminding myself that I can’t change the past, I can’t change what happened, I can’t change what I asked for, what I believed in, what I was grateful for…

 

And I am just going to have to sit here, a while longer, telling myself I believe in Miracles, telling myself I believe the Universe has my back and as my miracle practice had me do this morning, I am dropping to my knees and surrendering myself and letting go of self doubt and believing in myself and that I am up for this task, this quest from the Universe.

 

I wonder if it is going to send me a tank of oxygen?  Just as a little helping hand?

 

 

Brene Brown on blame:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZWf2_2L2v8

Yesterday I fell down the rabbit hole.

 

This morning I found myself at the bottom. I think it is what many people term as hitting ‘rock bottom’.

 

I woke up and felt like I was at the bottom of a huge mountain, with the first vertical cliff face right in front of me.  I know what can be waiting for me at the other side of the mountain.  The first step was visualising that, setting that as a goal, a focus.

 

But as the day progressed, and certain events and appointments took place, it felt like the earth was disappearing from under me.  And rather than falling, I was sinking.  Sinking… and I was powerless and energy-less to swim …  and so I ended up at the bottom of the ocean, sat on the sea bed.

 

As I look up, I can still see the mountain, it is clear through the waters above, I can still see the summit and feel in my heart what is on the other side..  But today, the mountain I have to climb and the journey I have to take just seemed to magnify in size, in obstacles, in difficulty, treachery and the destination even further out of reach.

 

High above me, I can see the hands reaching down to help me from the shore line.  I can see my Big Man, desperately reaching with both hands to grab me and help me, with the words ‘we can do this together, I will help you’… And yet he is surrounded by the crowds; the hands of many are reaching down, offering help, kindness, support of any kind that I could ask for.

 

But I am here.  At the ocean floor, rock bottom… and I don’t know whose hand to take.  I don’t know who to trust…

 

I only trust myself. I trust one of my ‘selves’ to live in the air, do my duties, breathe and show up, be a mother, thank everyone, say the right things.  And I trust my other self to stay here at the bottom of the sea, in the peace and quiet until I am ready…

 

Until I am ready, until my legs, arms, lungs and heart is strong enough.  Until my mind has the capacity to tell my body to swim, the tenacity to climb, the perseverance to keep going even when it is craggy and treacherous and I want to stop.

 

I may be here a while.

 

Having read that back, it all sounds rather dramatic. But as I write I don’t feel any ‘drama’, just stillness, with a few bubbles of air.  And in some ways, it is a relief.   I can’t get any lower.  The rock is solid beneath me.  And that reminds me of JK Rowling and one of her famous lines ‘Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life’.

And when I am ready, I can do just that.

 

 

One day  alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.

‘Which road do I take?’ she asked.

‘Where do you want to go?’ was his response.

‘I don’t know,’ Alice answered.

‘Then,’ said the cat, ‘It doesn’t matter.’.

 

I took the first step. And this morning I feel like I am Alice in Wonderland who has taken the first step in to a dark black rabbit hole and I am falling, fast… really fast in to a never ending abyss.  I woke up panicky…

 

I feel like I am slip sliding down so fast and my white dress is getting caught and muddy.  I am trying to turn over and grab the sides of the chute… try to claw my way out of the darkness and back in to the light…

 

But the speed!  The speed is terrifying.

 

 

To calm myself down, I am reading Alice in Wonderland Quotes:

 

Alice:  this is impossible.

The Mad Hatter:  only if you believe it is.

 

I have to believe it is possible, I have to believe this step is leading to something that is possible.  I have to believe.  I want to believe..  I believe?

 

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.

‘Which road do I take?’ she asked.

‘Where do you want to go?’ was his response.

‘I don’t know,’ Alice answered.

‘Then,’ said the cat, ‘It doesn’t matter.’.

 

The Cheshire Cat of my mind told me exactly the same thing.. if I don’t know the answer, if I am not certain, then take one road, any road…  the positive road, the one that will be the best for everyone, not just the selfish road.  I have done that.

 

Alice: it would be so nice if something made sense for a change.

 

Right on, Alice.

 

Alice:  How long is forever?

White Rabbit:  sometimes, just one second.

 

I want to fast forward a year, to know the answers, to see what happens… but each second passes so slowly…

In the seconds of ‘enlightenment’, time stood still.  There were no seconds.  Just the sound of ‘forever’ being shattered.

 

Curiouser and curiouser…

 

The more I try to understand it all, the more confused I get.  My head just pounds to the beat of my drumming heart.

 

I knew who I was this morning, but I’ve changed a few times since then.

 

I know I can change, keep changing … and that is ok….   I can change path.  I can change my mind.  I can change my attitude.  I can change…

 

Its all in your head, Alice…

 

It is… and my head hurts.  The past, the future… the now.

 

Alice:  But, I nearly forgot.  You must close your eyes.  Otherwise… you won’t see anything.

 

Visualisation… one of Hal Elrod’s life savers.  I need to visualise what I want to happen in my future… a reminder that I must do that… visualise happiness, joy, laughter, light, fun and weightlessness, to feel whole again rather than broken, torn in two… for any scenario, all scenarios with me in the middle.

 

‘oh, I’ve had such a curious dream!’.

 

It definitely feels that way…

 

‘Begin at the beginning and go on until you come to the end, then stop.’

 

And that is precisely what I need to do.  I have begun.  I can’t stop now…   Falling down, is just part of the process of getting up.

 

Alice in Wonderland… aka The Ali Sandwiches.

 

The feeling of falling down is making me lose my mind, the grabbing and clutching representing the clutching of straws of hope and at the same time grabbing at details, answers, everything just out of my reach as they flash past.

 

The only way to escape the mental exhaustion that plagues me today is to free my mind and here meditation and sleep are my best friends.  And in the waking moments, I find a video a friend has sent me that gives me hope again, another writer, sharing her pain, how she overcame the suffering when she hit rock bottom… and how she became a warrior in the art of getting back up again.

And then of course, there is always gratitude.  The ability to find the small things in the mundane; the small hands reaching for mine and squeezing my hand tight, the little unexpected cuddles that remind me of my life purpose, the little kisses and the words ‘I love you mama’…

Those small acts that slow my fall…. Or reminders that I need to get up.