So this ‘the Universe has your back’ concept…. ‘the secret’ and the ‘Law of Attraction’.  I believe in it.  Since I first read all about it over 3 and half years ago, I believed it, I loved it and I embraced it!  It made total sense to me and I could see in my previous 37 year years how I had used it without realising.  And it changed my life from negative, to positive;  from scarcity and lack to abundance and gratitude;  from wishing and hoping to believing and manifesting.  It gave me confidence that I was in control of my intentions, but the added certainty and security knowing there was a greater force in play that was protecting me, guiding me and giving me everything and everyone I needed to live the life I was destined to live;  a great life, an extra ordinary life and one of servitude and inspiration.

 

But now… today.  I am confused… and I am trying to work out the confusion.  And here at the bottom of the ocean, with all the external noise muffled, I can only hear the sounds of my thoughts and the sounds of my breathing.  So I am going to try and work it out.

 

A few of the statements from the books I have read about the LOA and the power of the ‘The Universe’ that I am currently reflecting on:

 

‘The law of attraction is like a giant photocopying machine, giving back to you exactly what you are thinking and feeling.’

 

‘Appreciation of what you have brings you what you want.’

 

‘All you have to do is ask and believe, and then get yourself on the receiving frequency of goodness.  You don’t actually have to do anything else.  The Universe will do all the moving of things, including moving you.’

 

So if I take that all in to account and if I look back through my journals, my gratitude logs and my blogs for the months of the summer, I was Joy!  I was happy!  I was in love!  I was grateful for all the love, health, honesty, happiness, success in my life and I was ecstatic because I knew it all to be true.  I believed in my life as it was and I was on the highest vibrational frequency possible!  I could see my future so clearly I could taste it!  I could see my growing family, my new beautiful home, huge success in my business from helping so many others, my New York Times Best selling books loading the shelves, interviews about my blog and related topics of Alzheimer’s, grief and loss, mindfulness, happiness, modern motherhood, being enough through self love and the law of attraction.

 

So because I could feel it with such intensity, because I appreciated it all…   did I bring this awfulness, attract this horrendous situation leaving me on the ocean floor, to myself?

 

I stop dead in my tracks.  Is that possible?  Is this all my fault?  My doing?  My creation?

 

As a writer, a novice writer with ‘Playing Big’ ambitions, the content of the last year made for interesting reading.  But this… this situation has sky rocketed my audience, my readers… Did this have to happen for me to be a success?  To give me amazing content to write a book to help others, show them how to go to the bottom of the ocean and rise like the Goddess of the sea Amphitrite in the arms of her true God Poseidon?

 

As a mother, a wife, a woman with a girlish heart, I was delighted with my yellow dress and blue hair, dancing to the sound of my happy life, grateful for all the honesty, truth, love and light in my life…   So did this happen because the Universe knew it was all built on lies and deception and therefore had to reveal the truth so I could genuinely live that life?

 

Can I go back and remove that wish?  Can I go back and change my mind? All of it!?

 

Would I rather play small and have a quiet life?

 

Would it mean that I never would have fallen down a rabbit hole and ended up at rock bottom in the deepest depths of the ocean looking up and wondering all this?

 

Did I bring it on myself? Am I to blame?

 

Blame… it’s easy to blame someone else… something else… like him, like the universe.  But maybe it is no one’s fault?  And here I am reminded of Brené Brown and her thoughts on ‘Blame’.

 

‘I would rather it be MY fault, than no one’s fault…  it gives us a sense of control…. Research shows blame is simply the discharging of discomfort and pain.  And it has an inverse relationship with accountability.  And accountability is a vulnerable process.’

 

Do I feel better for taking control of this and accepting accountability and blame for this situation?  Is it alleviating my pain and discomfort?

 

Not really.  That all just seems a little unfair.

 

So if I am back to ‘blaming’ the Universe, or rationalising it through the Law of Attraction…   What is it that this bigger power force has in store for me?

 

Whatever it is… Whatever happens… I am reminding myself that I can’t change the past, I can’t change what happened, I can’t change what I asked for, what I believed in, what I was grateful for…

 

And I am just going to have to sit here, a while longer, telling myself I believe in Miracles, telling myself I believe the Universe has my back and as my miracle practice had me do this morning, I am dropping to my knees and surrendering myself and letting go of self doubt and believing in myself and that I am up for this task, this quest from the Universe.

 

I wonder if it is going to send me a tank of oxygen?  Just as a little helping hand?

 

 

Brene Brown on blame:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZWf2_2L2v8