One day  alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.

‘Which road do I take?’ she asked.

‘Where do you want to go?’ was his response.

‘I don’t know,’ Alice answered.

‘Then,’ said the cat, ‘It doesn’t matter.’.

 

I took the first step. And this morning I feel like I am Alice in Wonderland who has taken the first step in to a dark black rabbit hole and I am falling, fast… really fast in to a never ending abyss.  I woke up panicky…

 

I feel like I am slip sliding down so fast and my white dress is getting caught and muddy.  I am trying to turn over and grab the sides of the chute… try to claw my way out of the darkness and back in to the light…

 

But the speed!  The speed is terrifying.

 

 

To calm myself down, I am reading Alice in Wonderland Quotes:

 

Alice:  this is impossible.

The Mad Hatter:  only if you believe it is.

 

I have to believe it is possible, I have to believe this step is leading to something that is possible.  I have to believe.  I want to believe..  I believe?

 

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.

‘Which road do I take?’ she asked.

‘Where do you want to go?’ was his response.

‘I don’t know,’ Alice answered.

‘Then,’ said the cat, ‘It doesn’t matter.’.

 

The Cheshire Cat of my mind told me exactly the same thing.. if I don’t know the answer, if I am not certain, then take one road, any road…  the positive road, the one that will be the best for everyone, not just the selfish road.  I have done that.

 

Alice: it would be so nice if something made sense for a change.

 

Right on, Alice.

 

Alice:  How long is forever?

White Rabbit:  sometimes, just one second.

 

I want to fast forward a year, to know the answers, to see what happens… but each second passes so slowly…

In the seconds of ‘enlightenment’, time stood still.  There were no seconds.  Just the sound of ‘forever’ being shattered.

 

Curiouser and curiouser…

 

The more I try to understand it all, the more confused I get.  My head just pounds to the beat of my drumming heart.

 

I knew who I was this morning, but I’ve changed a few times since then.

 

I know I can change, keep changing … and that is ok….   I can change path.  I can change my mind.  I can change my attitude.  I can change…

 

Its all in your head, Alice…

 

It is… and my head hurts.  The past, the future… the now.

 

Alice:  But, I nearly forgot.  You must close your eyes.  Otherwise… you won’t see anything.

 

Visualisation… one of Hal Elrod’s life savers.  I need to visualise what I want to happen in my future… a reminder that I must do that… visualise happiness, joy, laughter, light, fun and weightlessness, to feel whole again rather than broken, torn in two… for any scenario, all scenarios with me in the middle.

 

‘oh, I’ve had such a curious dream!’.

 

It definitely feels that way…

 

‘Begin at the beginning and go on until you come to the end, then stop.’

 

And that is precisely what I need to do.  I have begun.  I can’t stop now…   Falling down, is just part of the process of getting up.

 

Alice in Wonderland… aka The Ali Sandwiches.

 

The feeling of falling down is making me lose my mind, the grabbing and clutching representing the clutching of straws of hope and at the same time grabbing at details, answers, everything just out of my reach as they flash past.

 

The only way to escape the mental exhaustion that plagues me today is to free my mind and here meditation and sleep are my best friends.  And in the waking moments, I find a video a friend has sent me that gives me hope again, another writer, sharing her pain, how she overcame the suffering when she hit rock bottom… and how she became a warrior in the art of getting back up again.

And then of course, there is always gratitude.  The ability to find the small things in the mundane; the small hands reaching for mine and squeezing my hand tight, the little unexpected cuddles that remind me of my life purpose, the little kisses and the words ‘I love you mama’…

Those small acts that slow my fall…. Or reminders that I need to get up.