Yesterday I fell down the rabbit hole.
This morning I found myself at the bottom. I think it is what many people term as hitting ‘rock bottom’.
I woke up and felt like I was at the bottom of a huge mountain, with the first vertical cliff face right in front of me. I know what can be waiting for me at the other side of the mountain. The first step was visualising that, setting that as a goal, a focus.
But as the day progressed, and certain events and appointments took place, it felt like the earth was disappearing from under me. And rather than falling, I was sinking. Sinking… and I was powerless and energy-less to swim … and so I ended up at the bottom of the ocean, sat on the sea bed.
As I look up, I can still see the mountain, it is clear through the waters above, I can still see the summit and feel in my heart what is on the other side.. But today, the mountain I have to climb and the journey I have to take just seemed to magnify in size, in obstacles, in difficulty, treachery and the destination even further out of reach.
High above me, I can see the hands reaching down to help me from the shore line. I can see my Big Man, desperately reaching with both hands to grab me and help me, with the words ‘we can do this together, I will help you’… And yet he is surrounded by the crowds; the hands of many are reaching down, offering help, kindness, support of any kind that I could ask for.
But I am here. At the ocean floor, rock bottom… and I don’t know whose hand to take. I don’t know who to trust…
I only trust myself. I trust one of my ‘selves’ to live in the air, do my duties, breathe and show up, be a mother, thank everyone, say the right things. And I trust my other self to stay here at the bottom of the sea, in the peace and quiet until I am ready…
Until I am ready, until my legs, arms, lungs and heart is strong enough. Until my mind has the capacity to tell my body to swim, the tenacity to climb, the perseverance to keep going even when it is craggy and treacherous and I want to stop.
I may be here a while.
Having read that back, it all sounds rather dramatic. But as I write I don’t feel any ‘drama’, just stillness, with a few bubbles of air. And in some ways, it is a relief. I can’t get any lower. The rock is solid beneath me. And that reminds me of JK Rowling and one of her famous lines ‘Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life’.
And when I am ready, I can do just that.