Over the last few days, I have been giving thought to a few of the questions people often ask me. And that have been asked of me recently, possibly because of the emotional state I have been over the last year.

 

One of first questions people ask is ‘why do I write’ or ‘why do I blog’?  The answer is simple.  I started journaling a long time ago, to empty my head, see the words and thoughts on paper so I can analyse them, critique them, appreciate them, solve and sort them.  It helped especially when I was feeling particularly angry or frustrated.  Scribbling the hateful words on paper helped me clear my head to give space to good thoughts and feelings.  Especially during those dark times.  And in better times, just seeing the happy ones magnified the feeling by releasing the joy out in to the universe.

 

The second is ‘why publish it?’ It was a friend who initially suggested it.  At the time, I was confronted with so much ‘drama’, but was coping very positively and she wanted to know how.  On explaining my theories, we discussed how much it could inspire or help others experiencing similar circumstances.  Over the last few months, however, I have considered stopping making my journaling public.

 

However, just as I was about to pull the plug on my #dailyblogchallenge, I started to read a new book – ‘Big Magic’ by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of the book ‘Eat, Pray, Love’.   I wasn’t sure initially why I was continuing with my blog but she has made me see that what I am doing is my own form of art and that art should be shown and shared.  And as with all art, not everyone has to like it and almost indefinitely, everyone is going to have an opinion on it.  But art put out there should be critiqued and held as a discussion point. That’s a complement!  And the way I write, I like to think of it as art.  I craft my words. I paint pictures with my words.   Just as others use brushes or a lens.

 

I remember disliking English Literature quite fiercely at school and also not doing particularly well.  My parents couldn’t understand why as I used to fill notebook after notebook of writing stories, when I didn’t, I had my head in a book to read.  It was simple really.  I didn’t like combing through a beautiful script of poetry by Seamus Heaney or passage in one of my favourite Dickens, answering ‘why that turn of phrase?’ or ‘why that word to describe..’  I didn’t and still don’t think that artists think like that in the moment.  They are in flow with creativity and by that I mean deeply connected to their thoughts, emotions and feelings about the subject in front of them or the ones in their mind.  They are letting whatever it is ‘flow’ through and from them and on to the page, in colour or in script.

 

Do I worry about audience or people reading it?  When I write, I write for me.  Thinking only of my thoughts and me re-reading it.  Initially, I didn’t think anyone would read it.  Now I know people do, I still write in the same way – my thoughts, emotions flowing through me, knowing that I never have to put anything out there if I don’t want to.  There have only been a couple I haven’t published.

 

And just like any art, you can stop and stare at it, focus on a small part of it, love it, hate it, talk about it, be inspired by it and want to do the same or similar… or you can just walk or scroll on by.

 

And then do I enjoy it?  I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t.  I wouldn’t make time every day to fit it in around a busy life if I didn’t.  Just like an affair… you find 10 minutes, 30 minutes, moments, to do it.  A guilty pleasure.  Although mine isn’t a secret.  I am out. I am a writer.  I practice writing daily.  It’s the only way to get good at something.

 

So while I had considered stopping, I will continue, despite feeling so vulnerable and often full of shame and embarrassment as I open my thoughts and feelings to criticism in whatever form, just as it incites admiration, inspiration.  And I will continue, even when the one negative point of view obliterates all the other many, many positive, encouraging, good ones.

 

I love so many of Elizabeth’s quotes from Big Magic about creative living.  And this one is one of my favourites in finding your creativity and therefore your life’s purpose.  Let’s all go jewell hunting!

 

 

 

There is a beautiful line in the ‘Alchemist’ (desert island book list), where Paul Coelho says,

 

“You will never be able to escape from your heart.  So it is better to listen to what it has to say.”

 

For a while I have struggled with this.  I have been reaching in to my heart to hear what it has to say, to help me choose, decide which path, which step to take next.  I have been willing it to tell me.  It’s silence and indecision has left me confused and wanting.

 

And I am now surprised why it has taken me so long to realise why.  Perhaps shock, denial, disbelief has prevented me from seeing it.  Perhaps because it was locked away and couldn’t be heard.  In a little box, one I locked up and threw away the key as Christmas was too emotional to look at it and in Africa I was having too much fun to care..

 

But my heart is broken.  In to two pieces.  Two whole pieces and falling out on to  the floor, laid bare, open, apart and vulnerable.  It is in no position to make choices or decisions.  All it can do is its job, to function.  To do anything else, it needs to re-find it’s other half, re-join, re-mesh and become whole again.

 

When I was crying through ‘Eat Pray Love’ in my little dovecot bed in Edinburgh, I wrote down Elizabeth Gilbert’s words,

 

“The only way to heal a broken heart is to trust. To have broken hard means you have.”

 

Trust is still a big issue for me.  Because it never was before.  I was unwaveringly trusting, non-questioning, open and honest.  And that was abused.  Big time.  Because my trust was so pure, my heart is purely and cleanly broken.  And the distrust is not only for others, but towards myself too.  I don’t trust myself.  I don’t trust myself to be strong enough.

 

I knew.  I warned.  I trusted.

I discovered.  I gave a second chance. I trusted.

I was told. I was broken.  I can’t trust when i need it most.

 

And just as a year ago I learnt about the waves of grief, I am feeling them again.  And as I feel them, I notice new waves.  Bigger waves.  Heavier waves that crash down with force.

 

The wave of rejection.  Rejected and left over and over again, so many times.

The wave of humiliation.  Receiving letters, gifts and notes with smiley faces taunting me, from her, believing she was someone else.

The wave of violation.  As anyone suffering betrayal will feel.

The wave of abuse.  Emotionally taking on the guilt of others, my good nature taken advantage of.

The wave of embarrassment.  Walking tall and proud of my marriage and my man.  My ignorance bliss.

The wave of sadness.  That it is all over.  That everything is changing.  Leaving my beautiful home that is haunted by her ghost.  Grief for the lost future we were building and dashed memories.

The waves of hatred.  For someone I don’t know and who won’t accept any blame.  For someone I am in love with and who accepts all responsibility.

The wave of confusion.  The only person to comfort me is the one person who hurt me the most.

 

The best way to deal with waves is to dive under or through them.  And watch them crash over you until they pass.  Mindfully watch the thoughts until they pass on.  Breathing and resting when you can, pushing through the exhaustion.

 

Writing this all down has helped me conclude that there is no action to be taken, other than to wait.  Wait until my heart is ready to mend.  Wait until my heart is ready to trust again.

 

And I need to give my heart a break.  Stop asking it what to do until it is healed.

 

Until then, it is back to living in the moment, enjoying what I am doing, who I am with and being compassionate and loving towards myself.

 

My head is fine.  Outwardly I look good.  My packaging intact. When I look in the mirror, which isn’t often (I have Catoptrophobia) I surprise myself that given my broken internal nature, I look pretty good. Soft tan from Africa, lean and strong and clear, fresh, youthful skin and glossy hair thanks to toxin elimination and my evening pamper detox spa bath.

 

And for anyone who is kind enough or compassionate enough to ask, I can answer I am fine.

 

So the package is good. And my mind says it is up and out of the ocean. But opening up the cage that I have hidden my heart in, I see that my heart is still at the bottom of the ocean, in 2 pieces, watching and feeling the waves crashing overhead.

 

So, today, I have been brave and vulnerable.  I did as Paul Coelho advises and asked my heart what it had to say and I listened.  And I heard what it had to say.  And now it is time to gently put it back in it’s box, for the sadness that exudes from my body when I look at it, not only upsets me but upsets the boys too.  And while I love the flowers, gifts and kisses, it saddens me to know they see it. So my heart is back in its box for the time being, and the waves become a distant rumble as they continue to crash.

 

Today, if any day is a day I ‘need’ to sink a bottle of wine or multiple V&T’s and a large slice of cake, or maybe a whole cake.

 

If yesterday was a day of permitting myself to sleep and rest, today was a day I permitted myself to open my Pandora’s box of suppressed feelings and cry.

 

And if yesterday there were parallels in my behaviours to those described in the detox plan, there were also today.  Today’s focus was ‘Empty’.  Through focussing on eating healthily, drinking lots of water, I am flushing out all my previously ingested and gut-stored toxins of wine, caffeine and sugar.  Through focussing on reconnecting with myself, it seems I am flushing out all the negative, toxic thoughts and feelings in my body and mind.

 

I already appreciated that a build up of ignored toxins in the body can lead to illness, discomfort.  And I am rapidly learning that a build up of ignored, toxic thoughts in the mind can lead to the same.

 

By living in the moment, living on that knife edge of not looking back into the past, while not worrying and controlling future events has meant I have supressed many thoughts and feelings, rather than recognising them and appreciating them in order for them to ‘flow’ through and out.   I have made myself unknowingly toxic.  And the toxic build up lead to intense tension in my back, neck, shoulders and head that this morning was too much to ignore;  that was too much for mindfulness, too much for a hot shower and too much for an hour’s stretching in pilates.

 

But it wasn’t too much for an hour of talking, letting the noxious thoughts and feelings, the poisonous resentment out in a flow of long monologue.

 

Like any good elimination, the discomfort alleviates almost immediately.  And I feel free again to move and think freely and allow the good thoughts that had been strangled to breathe.

 

This detox plan is good.

 

 

 

A friend gave me some beautiful tulips for my birthday.  When I first put them in the vase, they were ram rod straight, their beautiful purple heads perfectly tear shaped. Perfectly held together.

 

Today, as is my current practice, after I had prepared the boys for school –  the usual 10 minutes of kissing, whispering and cajoling to wake them up slowly (no one deserves a bright light, loud shout or bell to wake them up, it’s just not good for the soul), egg and baked bean platters, usual panic for missing items of clothing before shipping them out the door for their morning school run – I went back to my calm place.

 

I opened the windows to let in the light, lay down and plugged in the calming tones and voices of a lead mindfulness meditation.  Freeing my mind of all thoughts and plans for the morning, list and chores and jobs that needed doing.

 

When I opened my eyes, I saw the tulips, bathed in light.  Their heads open, their spines relaxed, as a group they had opened and spread their wings and they were beautiful.  More beautiful than the tall perfect soldiers.

 

A relaxed, happy, free creation.

 

As I rolled over I saw the clock said 12.08.  I had been asleep for nearly 3 hours!  Unplanned.

I rather surprised myself with my reaction of, ‘oh well.’

 

Maybe I took my cue from the tulips. I have been so focussed on holding myself together, standing tall, being ‘perfect’, doing the right things, saying the right things.  But that takes huge amounts of energy, determined mindset to stay positive, hitting the negative thoughts back over the net.

 

Today, I let go today.  I gave myself permission to..  I gave in to the need to sleep and rest.  In fact, I prioritised it.  Who needs to go the dentist anyway?

 

Incidentally, I just read my chapter in the detox book; apparently day 2 you may feel sluggish, flu like, tired and achy, have odd sleep patterns.  And one of the journal questions was ‘Can I give myself permission to have a down day – to accept what’s happening and allow the process to unfold?’

 

Obviously yes.  Today, I was a beautifully relaxed tulip.

Day 1 of the blood sugar detox diet done!

 

It’s day 1 undercover.   ‘Avoid your temptation zones’ and ‘control your environment.’  Tip number 3 on how to ensure success for this plan. The gym and a little shop I know that serves good cleansing tea the only venues I ventured out for.

 

It’s day 1 disconnected.  ‘A revolution in the body, starts with the mind.’ The advice is to have a media fast; shut out the noise, quieten the chatter, turn off the outside world and work on the inner one.  Immerse yourself in your own well being.

 

It’s day 1 of going cold turkey.  ‘What we’re dealing with is an addiction.’ Rip off the band aid, do it quickly and cut out all the ‘drugs’ that toxify the body and mind.  Don’t prolong the pain.  ‘Un-junk’ as he calls it.

 

And how do I feel?

 

I feel happily full of food.  I was worried I could end up going hungry.  I am satiated and I am so proud of myself for sticking to it and not reaching for a few squares of chocolate which has become part of my post meal habit.

 

And I feel really relaxed. Not only from the pampering and detox bath I just indulged in but being disconnected is actually wonderful in a way; by making me feel more connected.

 

I asked the Big Man to change all my social media passwords.  I could have deleted the apps, used will power to not login to my accounts.  But the temptation would have been too great…. Just to check to see if any important messages had come through, or if I missed important announcements on the groups I am part of.  There is no way I can login, so  I am liberated from scrolling, checking, posting and being present in my public profile.

 

The world is still out there.  Continuing as it did just before.  But by disconnecting, I find myself more connected, to myself, to my tasks, my day.  I was worried I would feel as though I was missing out.  But I don’t.  I connected with many friends today; my Wednesday work out wonder women, my birthday buddy, my confidante, my business partner, my boys, the Big Man.  I have disconnected to reconnect.

 

I feel full from food and full from life.

 

But there is an underlying tension hovering.  Perhaps from doing something different. Not knowing the outcome. Even having an alternate breakfast smoothie is big for me…

 

It’s like I know in my gut something is about to change on a bigger scale and these smaller changes are preparing me for a bigger evolution ahead.

 

But just as my morning calm mediation reminded me, live in the flow of the day, the moment, allow everything to flow at their own speed, not to rush.

 

And as AA Milne reminds us through the words of a bear,

‘What day is it?’  Asked Pooh.

‘It’s today,” squeaked Piglet

‘My favourite day,” said Pooh.

 

 

So Day 2 of prep was getting final provisions to make soups, salads, snacks and suppers… and have a few final indulgences.  The last flat white.  The last steak supper.

 

And while nursing that flat white answering a list of questions to ‘align my mind and intentions’ and writing them down.  I believe an important process to do before any intended activity or changes to routine.  Studies have shown that the art of writing down why you do something and what you aim to get from the actions, you stand a far greater chance of achievement.  So I set my mind free and my pen flow.

 

And the answers were interesting.  To me anyway as the truth always comes out on paper.  Answers to questions in your head are just fleeting and the real answers have a habit of being banished or lost.

 

What were the things I thought would prevent any success on the plan? My addiction to chocolate after a meal, wine as it has become an evening habit recently and most frighteningly, the outside influences and opinions of others who will go out of their way to try and make me feel bad / stupid for doing it.

 

Seeing that written down, just made it easier to mitigate the risks.  Remove all chocolate from the house, don’t open a new bottle of wine and also, as Mark says, control my environment.  I know who to hang out with and who not to for the next 10 days.

 

How does being overweight or sick diminish or detract from my happiness and ability to fulfil my life’s purpose? I am not overweight, but I do have as sniffle, the onset of a cold, feel sluggish and from consuming so much sugar from wine, I do feel like I am wearing a fat suit as the fat cells multiply and do their job in keeping the toxins away from my organs.  And when I feel that happen, I know I get annoyed, frustrated and grumpy.  And those feelings just transgress in to all areas of my thinking.  Not a good place.  But I am being honest in my answers.

 

However, the most interesting answer was to the first question.

 

Why am I doing it?  Why a detox, why a blood sugar solution plan?  Perhaps I started to watch the video on my youtube clip to lose the few pounds I put on in Africa, but those have gone already. So weight loss isn’t the reason.  Perhaps my interest in health and determination to get healthy for me, my sons, my future.  But I didn’t write that at all.

 

I wrote that I am doing it for a focus, a distraction.  To study and fill my head with other information, facts and to analyse the results.  And to have some control.  Control in a chaotic and crazy reality.

 

And that reminded me of a passage I once read from Mark Nepo’s book and I dug it out.  The general gist is that there is a grumpy, moaning apprentice.  The master asks the apprentice to put a scoop of salt in a glass of water and drink it.

 

‘How does it taste?’ the master asks.

‘Bitter,’ is the reply.

 

The master then asks the apprentice to put the same amount of salt in the lake and to take a drink from the lake.

 

‘How does it taste?’ the master asks.

‘Fresh,’ is the reply.

‘Can you taste the salt?’ inquires the master.

‘No.’

‘The pain of life is the pure salt; no more, no less.  The amount of pain in life remains the same, exactly the same.  But the amount of bitterness we taste depends on the container we put the pain in.  So when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is enlarge your sense of things….. stop being a glass.   Become a lake.”

 

In the last 3 months, I have diminished.  I have shrunk in all things and the pain intensified.  In going to Africa, I grew.  I saw life.  I saw myself again.  And my world and I became bigger.  And by doing this project, expanding my focus even more, I am diluting the pain.

 

So I come from the bottom of  an ocean to become an ocean.

 

 

While I was sat at the rocky bottom of the ocean, my head excruciatingly full of negativity and sadness and there was no space at all for anything else.  But as I have floated gently and unconsciously upwards, the heavy pessimism weighing me down has slipped away.  And while I was floating, supine gently on the surface of the sea, I have been looking at the journey ahead of me, above me, the journey to freedom;  freedom from bad thoughts, free to live a life of joy again.

 

To take the next steps, to start my journey to conquer the mountainous hurdles and obstacles in my way, I am going to need strength.  Both mentally and physically.

 

Mentally, it is a work in progress.  I practice the inner work to strengthen my mental muscles daily through mindfulness, meditation, reflection, self awareness and this week I start work with a therapist to help me ride the many triggers that threaten and have me plummeting downwards again.  My mental strength will allow me to ‘return to love’ and unlock my protected heart.

 

Physically, I am in pretty good shape.  Externally anyway.  But the stress of the last 3 months is bound to have taken its toll on my inner health and bodily functions.  And health and well being is so important to me.  So I am now on a mission to ‘return to health’ and Mark Hyman is my guide to reset my health.

 

I am on day 1 of prep.

 

I have bought my glucose monitor but am too scared to use it!  Ha. It’s just a needle prick, but I am not sure I can do it to myself.  I will build up to it.  I have 24 hours…

 

And I have bought my long list of vitamins and supplements.  Something which I thought was going to be unnecessary but as I read through Mark’s research, it becomes clear even with a healthy, balanced diet in the modern day, we still lack many vitamins and minerals.  At the very best, socially we live on the minimum required to ‘prevent severe deficiency diseases’, with just about have enough for essential human survival but not nearly enough ‘for optimal or enhanced biological function and health’.

 

“We need a foundational amount of high quality nutrients to help run our engines, getting adequate vitamins and minerals help you burn calories more efficiently, helps regulate appetite, lowers inflammation, boosts detoxification, ids digestion, regulates stress hormones and helps your cells become more insulin sensitive.”

 

On reading that, and given that I am going to need a well oiled, well powered machine to get me through this journey, I went shopping.  Happy birthday to me.  My birthday money well spent on health and my future.

 

 

For the last 3 January’s, I have joined in with the many for a detox and dry month and been pretty disciplined (with the exclusion of a day for my birthday celebrations).  I have always felt so much better after the excesses of December celebrations.

 

However, this year has been slightly different.  December wasn’t really a month of celebrations and while I had the odd glass of wine, I was very careful and conscious of not ‘drowning my sorrows’; alcohol a drug and bad influence that would only make matters and me feel worse.  And rather than gain a few lb’s, I had lost significant weight, so there weren’t the usual drivers for me to kickstart January dry.

 

In fact January became rather wet and fun!  I let myself off the hook when it came to alcohol and I didn’t suffer the usual tummy problems, headaches or illnesses that I had suffered throughout the year.  Now that may be do with the fact that I was plied with beautiful South African wines (not a pinotage in sight!).  And to cover my skinny ribs, I accepted cake, chocolates and indulged my sugar cravings without guilt.

 

And then as the Universe would have it, earlier this week, in my youtube recommendations was an interview with Dr Mark Hyman and the sugar crisis across the nations.

 

It was fascinating. His hour long interview left me thirsty for more and so I bought his book.  2 of his books actually. (https://youtu.be/xgWBKJsJtk0)

 

His words rang true to so many of my beliefs, especially when there is so much noise around detox and eating healthy, eating clean…. What is right, what is good, what is wrong and what is rubbish!    But he is a doctor, treating people in a ‘wholistic’ way.  He looks to find the cause, rather than find the symptom through functional medicine and working with the body as a whole.

 

“Create health, don’t fix the disease.”

 

I love that.  Create health.  I know I am at my happiest when I am at my peak healthiest.  I feel energised, bouncy, lean and fit.  Ready to conquer anything.

 

He believes firmly that food can create health and rid the body of any disease.  That food is ‘information’ to the brain as to what genes to turn on or off, genes that promote health or genes that promote disease.

 

“The biggest single input that you have in your health, by far is, what you eat.”

 

I also love how he talks about what matters is WHAT you eat, not HOW MUCH.  The same calories from drinking a glass of wine or eating a kit kat doesn’t trigger the same genes and process in your body as eating the same amount of calories from broccoli or greens.  Me and Mark – we are on the same wavelength.  Calorie counting may help some form of weightloss, but not always health.  Plus, it takes all the joy out of eating by making you a slave to to food by thinking about it all the time.  It’s not for me anyway.  Health first.

 

He also dispels myths around fat and sugar.  Sugar is evil; spiking insulin as well as the addictive part of the brain leaving you wanting more.  Good fats are essential; speeding up metabolism as well as triggering the part of the brain that makes you feel satisfied nutritionally.  We all know now, that ‘low fat’ is just another way of saying ‘added sugar’ and should be avoided.

 

And one of the discussions I have always been conflicted by, meat or no meat?  Paleo or Vegan/Vegetarian?  He picked apart the studies which found people to be unhealthy if they ate meat and concludes that if you chose a group of health conscious, active people there would be no difference in health to those who ate meat from good sources that were grass fed and those who ate a plant based diet.  Hurrah!  I no longer feel guilty eating steak.

 

But after this few weeks or month of ‘letting myself go’, it is no wonder that this morning I feel like crap.  I have a headache, watery eyes, tickly back of throat and a sniffle.  All signs that a cold is creeping in.

 

‘FLC syndrome’, Mark calls it.  And he can fix it.  With a 10 day detox plan to reduce sugar and introduce lots of good wholesome, Low GI food in “a science-based approach to ending food addiction and creating rapid, safe weight loss and long term optimal health.’

 

10 days.  Easy.  2 days to read the book and stock my cupboards right.  I love a good plan for health!  And I know my body is ready for a bit of a rest…

 

 

 

A while ago, I remember seeing a Facebook post by a previous work colleague of a beautiful photograph of himself at Tiffany’s, standing next to his happy wife holding a lovely tiffany bag in her hand while they drank champagne.  The caption thanked everyone for his birthday wishes.  He showed everyone the art of giving. My immediate thought was to bank that and hold it in my mind for my future birthdays, and how I would treat the Big Man and the boys.

 

I forgot!

 

Until this morning and I realised I hadn’t bought any gifts or organised any special trips to  go shopping today for them.  I felt guilty and also annoyed that I had forgotten…

 

Until I read my morning gratitude passage, which reminded me that giving is not only just about giving gifts, but it is about giving so many other, far more valuable things.  A kiss.  A smile.  An embrace.  A compliment.  Giving away a parking space or a place in the queue.  Give appreciation, encouragement and love to everyone in your life.

 

“There are so many opportunities for you to give and thereby open the door to receiving.”

 

And so that is what I have done.  Given time and love, appreciation, patience.  And tonight I will go armed with food and wine, flowers and gifts and receive the wonderful hospitality of incredible, kind and loving friends.

 

Furthermore, these words I will continue to hold in my heart, for it feels a little bit locked away, hardened and that makes me sad, for I can feel so much love around me.  I just need to be brave now and open to receiving it.

I have recently found Lewis Howes podcasts and frequently listen to his incredibly enlightening and interesting interviews with various inspirational people who share their life’s work, journey and loves.  And it was coupled with my passage from my ‘Get Happy’ book today, talking about having ‘rules’ to live your life by and the question which Lewis asks all his guests at the end:  If all your public work has been erased, if you had to write 3 things down that you know to be true would like to pass on, to your family, your loved ones… what would it be?

 

Both those thoughts and questions provoked thoughts about my philosophy for life, my blueprint for going forward based on what I have learnt in the last year; the toughest one yet, the one that has made me break and heal, yet fall and learn to rise and grow more times than I can remember.

 

What would I share with my boys, if today was my last day on earth?   What advice would I give and my wish for how I would want them to live their life?  And how am I going to live my life going forward?  What are my standards and principles that I want to be drawn back to, to refer to when things get difficult and even when things are in flow?

 

I started to make notes this morning.  And throughout the day I tweaked them..

 

Live in the moment.

 

Live in a state of gratitude, be in willing service to others, be an eternal and curious student, fight courageously for what you believe in, remain dignified in the face of adversity, look for silver linings, count the stars in the darkness and find laughter and joy in each marvellous, miraculous day.

 

But most of all, live with love.

Love what you do.

Love who you are with.

And always love who you are.

 

By writing those, I could feel the happiness inside me. They are the principles to guide me back to and stay in happiness.

 

And if they work for me, and if I can pay that forward by living and breathing by those principles, to be a guide and act to follow for my sons, I will be happy well beyond this life.