I do feel sorry for people who think they know everything already.  I believe that there is always something to learn even if you think you are ‘good enough’ or an ‘expert’.

 

I haven’t had a ski lesson for years, many years, in fact, not since my Dad paid… and that was pre-uni days.  For the last 25 years or so I have skied with some of the best skiers I know and they have pushed me to learn and grow my skills by standing at the top of the steepest blacks, scariest off piste runs and I had no choice but to follow and get down it.

 

Today, I booked us on to ‘carve it up’.  For fun, to be sociable, not really expecting to learn anything.   But we did.  25 years of doing it our own style and the instructor had a lot to say!  And it was still good fun, still sociable and I learnt to surrender my skis to the mountain slopes, let my joints feel the mountain camber, relinquished control and let go.  I have never skied so fast, balanced and free; it was exhilarating!

 

I also felt a similar exhilaration, lying on my bed watching the boys play in the snow under the last rays of the sun, reading my book and learning about love.  Yet again, a topic I have felt well practiced and versed in, but over the last few years and in particular, the last one, have had to learn so much more about.

 

“Trust that your wounds are exactly as the Universe planned.  They were divinely placed in your life in the perfect order so that you could show up for them with love and remember the light within.  As difficult as your circumstances may have been, take a moment to honour them now.”

 

In a previous life, I would have thought that perhaps the pain and trauma, fear and loss of recent events would have floored me and words and phrases like the ones above would have aggravated me.  In light of the recent lack of love and disrespect, how on earth would I have been able to find love within, let alone for the situation and anyone else involved?

 

But in learning and researching love and the intricate relationship it has with fear, I understand.  Just as I learnt to surrender my skis to the mountain and let go, I have also learnt to surrender my fears to love and let go and more recently surrendered my pain and let my wounds open so the light can enter and heal them.

 

I have surrendered to learning and now I am learning to surrender.

Yesterday Rosé was not my friend.

 

Or maybe it was?

 

It started as a celebration for being on holiday as a family, the next step on the journey to the other side of the mountain.

 

And it ended up being a catalyst to releasing all the pent up fears of being here together, loosening my tongue to ask more questions, speak my mind and get it all out in the open.  So maybe it was my friend… ?

 

And it ended up being a quick ticket to an early bed time, very welcome after a 5am start with snowballs on our window thanks to two excited little boys wanting their skis on and resulting in a clear head this morning.  So maybe it was my friend…?

 

A clear head not only free from hangover, but also free from negativity and dark thoughts.

 

A clear head to enjoy millionaire skiing with my gorgeous boys, blue skies, plenty of snow, hot chocolates and french fries and a delicious lunch in our new favourite restaurant ‘the devil’s heart’.

 

And I was reminded of the words of the Course in Miracles which both Marrianne  Williamson and Gabrielle Berstein refer to in their work.

 

 “Each small step will clear a little of the darkness away.”

 

This evening, as we had quiet time after showers and before supper, more words jumped out of the page.

 

“Love is a decision and all that is asked of you is the willingness to choose it.  Each time you do is a miracle……  In any given moment, you can surrender to the light and live in the miracle.”

 

Today that is what happened.  The Rosé had cleared the darkness away with speed and all that was left was the light, the beautiful sunlight, the light in the eyes of my delighted boys, the light from within and surrounding us.

 

This is the miracle that I didn’t think would ever have been possible.

Beer googles. Rose tinted glasses. But what about Rosé tinted goggles??
Through my Rosé tinted glasses my husband’s ass looked just as good in red as it did over 20 years ago in grey. 
Through my Rosé tinted glasses my kids were awesome! Fearless! Red run schussing, snow heap hilarity. 
Through my Rosé tinted glasses we were as cool as the 20 and 30 year olds in el ‘Pano with all the French students.

 

Through my Rosé tinted glasses I was the Ferrari in the downhill final slush descent to resort.. slick and swift and weaving in between the snow plow traffic. 
But when the Rosé wears off, I am just a 41 year old in the shower who is the complete opposite of the last 4 years’ competition: short haired, flat chested, no arse, British, hard working, prudish, motherly, energetic, loving, abundant and innocent. 
The hardest thing in all of this is the dichotomy. Knowing I need to fill the badger book with all the good things, great new memories…. and the silent undertones and ghosts of the past.

I have been wearing rose tinted glasses and seeing only the best and got stung. And now Rosé tinted glasses distort the truth by numbing it for a short while.  
Rosé tinted glasses. Fun while they are on. When they come off reality hits and there is no where to run or ski. Exactly what I was scared of as I leapt up on to this next step, next love rock…. 

Perhaps tomorrow I will stick to the Perrier.  And then I can get back to living In the moment and seeing the truth: That I am in the sun, amongst the mountains and with the 3 people I love most and the 3 people who love me most. 

I used to keep a list. I called it the ”Big Man Big Obstacle list’. I used to think writing down every little petty remark, snide comment he made about my determination to be a success in writing, in growing a business, how I tackled life would stop me dwelling on it; by writing it down, it would release it from my mind as writing did for all other thoughts and worries that paraded my consciousness.  
I dreamt that one day I would look back on this list and be proud that I overcame my Biggest Obstacle, the lack of support I felt from the one person I wanted to cheer me on. 
I realise now I was wrong. While my intention was in the right place, to write it down and let the comments and associated feelings go, so I didn’t hold a grudge, so I didn’t focus on it, I perhaps unintentionally focussed on what I didn’t want and therefore magnified it.
So back in January, when I was all over the place in trying to decide what to do, I started the ‘Badger Book’. 
I was in a little card and gift shop at the time, and it was just there. Just the one. In a pile of other random paraphernalia. It is small, hand sized, made of brown paper with the face of a badger on it.
The relevance of the badger is a long story involving too much Marc de Savoie (a particularly strong alpine digestif) the Big Man had one time skiing. It involved a lot of giggling and ‘badger’ became a term of endearment. 
In the weeks preceding the airing of the ‘Big Man’s Big Secret’ I saw several dead badgers on the side of the roads and motorways. They always made my heart flip a beat – was it a sign of death, tragedy? I suppose it was. Freaks me out thinking of it… the Universe and its little clues….
But the little brown badger was another sign. A sign to me for a new list to be written. A way to help me see through the darkness that had shrouded my Big Man, my Badger. So I started to see, appreciate and write down the good I saw, in his actions, his words and the way he was making me feel.  
And so perhaps by focussing and writing down the good for these last few weeks, I was able to start to fill the cracks in our relationship with golden thoughts and to see the light emanating from his shadow self and his true character once again shining through. I was able recognise that he was good man, good father, good partner, my friend and even my biggest champion. And despite the wrong things he did and bad choices he made, I have been able to see everything he has and is doing right. 
The badger book was instrumental in how I am sat here now, on a transfer bus into the French Alpes as a family, something 3 weeks ago I would never have been able to consider.
Plus – I needed someone to carry my skis and bags! Ha! 

I did not start the day well today.

 

My practice of mindfulness brought forward from my meditation ‘mat’ into daily life, failed.

 

To me, mindfulness is the art of being able to watch, see, appreciate in order to be able to respond thoughtfully, rationally rather react emotionally and over react.  It starts with watching thoughts float through your mind and using your mind muscle to release them without letting them pull you into an emotional cyclone.  Studies have shown that people who practice mindfulness are also some of the most calm and rational people around, because they apply the same technique to life situations.

 

It did not apply to me this morning.

 

My smile on finding both boys dressed and in the kitchen before 7am on the final day of school, soon left my face as I saw Tom’s phone on the side, unlocked and with an app open for me to see.  The app was one I have vetoed, removed multiple times, explained it is inappropriate for his age and reprimanded him for his atrocious and aggressive behaviour after I have found him playing it illicitly.

 

It wasn’t just that it was on his phone but he had hidden the app in another folder.

 

Lies.  Deceit.  Uncovered on a phone.

 

Rather than respond rationally.  I over reacted.  It was not a happy goodbye and wave off to school this morning.

 

It was only later, I realised that I have been silently screaming.  While I was head down, sweat pouring down my nose, my chest and back, my legs pumping round and round as I cycled up a hill to the beat of ‘THUNDER’ by AC/DC, I could feel the rage flowing through my veins, stemming from my heart and meeting the irrational thoughts and images flowing from my head, clashing to the almighty thump of the drum and strum.

 

I found it easy to scream and shout at him when it all was all new, as I found out new pieces of hurtful, unimaginable information.  He was still the arrogant, vain, egotistical version of himself that I didn’t know or comprehend.  I could vent my anger and disbelief, allow the pain to throw daggers at him, hit him hard and hurt him.

 

And now, after 4 months, those daggers have taken their toll.  He is no longer ‘that man’.  So even while the hideous play-reel continues, I can no longer scream at a man who has been patient, loving, compassionate, kind, utterly remorseful and who looks older and tired and worn from the experience.  He has taken the blow of every double edged remark, barbed comment, low blow and the pain shows on his face, the hurt in his eyes, the stress in the grey hairs that weren’t there just a few months ago.

 

And so I am silently screaming inside.  My head shouting at me saying that he brought it on himself.  My heart pleading me to hold him and love him back.

 

And so my darling Tom got caught in the cross fires.  My innocent uncovering of a lie and virtual deception, hiding reality with secrets triggered a whole host of memories and knee weakening trauma.

 

The realisation shocked me and for now, the internal screams are silenced.  The play reel paused.  Instead I screamed at the pain in my thighs and let it all out in my towel!

 

 

 

“I am the inspiration that gives people hope and courage.”

 

I found these words on a piece of paper safely folded up in a book.  I must have meant to find them today.  For these were the words I wrote down as my mission statement around 3 years ago and I had no idea how I was going to live up to such a bold statement.

 

After I had made a brave decision to leave a job and team I loved, but hours and stress I didn’t, I worked with a wonderful professional life coach to work out what was in store for me next.  I was floundering, lost and rapidly losing my self belief, confidence and sight of my purpose.  I wasn’t yet ready to be a ‘stay at home Mum’ and ‘housewife’.

 

This mission statement underpinned the values we determined I lived by and the ‘brand star’ I wanted to be known for.  These were the words I said to myself each morning to remind myself to be open to finding the way to accomplish my new purpose and I looked for inspiration around me and opportunities that the Universe put in my path.

 

One of those opportunities was a friend, a group of people and a company that was passionate about developing people, providing them with new skills, transferrable skills, practical and principle based skills that promoted personal growth and influenced transformation on a beautiful scale from the inside out.  It inspired a change in me and a change I was originally closed to, but became ‘project me’.

 

I used to believe, along with many others, ‘that people don’t change’.  But I am proof that they do and they can, if they are open to it.  The Big Man is proof.  People do change, for either better or worse. They change based on influences they are surrounded by – the people they spend time with, the words they read and the stories they believe to be true.

 

We are both proof of the wonderful words by Liz Gilbert, “Ruin is a gift.  Ruin is the road to transformation.”

 

As my career and self esteem was left in ‘ruins’, I opened my life up to a journey of transformation.  Ruin gave me the opportunity to rebuild my own personal brand and in doing so I believe became a more positive, compassionate, patient, abundant, happier person.

 

As our first marriage has been left in ‘ruins’, we have chosen to believe in and see an opportunity to transform our relationship.  Ruin has given us a chance to rebuild, from the foundations up, stronger, updated, realigned and cemented with honesty, empathy and a renewed appreciation for who we are as individuals, together and as a family.

 

‘Inspiration’ or ‘inspire’ is derived from the latin word ‘inspirare‘, ‘in spirit’ and ‘to breathe into’, which I would interpret to do something that comes naturally to you and by doing so you breathe life in to others to do what comes naturally to them.

 

Writing comes naturally to me. I am inspired to do it.

 

And I write about my journey of transformation and so everything has fallen in to place and I believe I am now living true to my mission statement.  I am the inspiration that gives people hope and courage to transform their lives for the better.

 

Along with Joy and Fear hauling me up today, on my rock, I also took time to read and listen to books.  When the raging storms in my head move on, there is always quiet and there is always a book, always a book to read in the residing peace.

 

My book of choice today was ‘The Untethered Soul’ by Michael A. Singer,  a book I had put down a while ago but I was drawn to again today and the messages were perfect.

 

“Never look down” he says when he refers to climbing up out of the darkest of times.  Don’t look down.  So I don’t. Only up. I think if I looked down, I would slip.  I am scared of heights at the best of times.

 

“Let go!”  Not the rock… but of the pain inside – “free yourself by finding yourself…. Freedom comes when you deal with the pain in your heart.”  He explains that so many are afraid of looking inside because they fear the pain (of loneliness, rejection, betrayal…any kind of hurt), resisting it only prolongs the pain, avoiding anything that triggers it only means you alter your life so you don’t live to the full.  He advises to see pain as simply temporary and a shift in energy.  Look at it, feel it, let it go.  Let the energy flow and the pain along with it.  He uses an analogy of a thorn.  The thorn is painful;  if you touch it, brush it, lie on it, it hurts.  So you avoid doing all manner of things to trigger that pain, reorganising everything so as not to disturb it.  But really, the best thing to do, is to pull it out.  Quickly.  Feel the pain and then let the wound heal.

I felt pain yesterday.  I feared pain yesterday. I let go of it today.

 

“At some point on the journey your heart takes over and your mind follows.”

 

I wrote the other day to do what brings you joy so you can bring joy to others. Do what you love.

 

I love books.  I love reading.  I love listening. I love the thrilling, enlightening feeling of learning something new.  I love the realisation and pride that you have learnt so much already and apply it subconsciously.  I am grateful for everything I have learnt through reading and growing so that I am here today, with my mind following my heart.

 

I also love having my hair cut and having baths… an old love and a new learnt love!

 

 

 

So there I was, with Joy and being Joy in the kitchen.  Dancing.  And ready take the next step up the mountain, to the next love rock.  And as I was standing on one leg with my other leg just about to plant, with no warning whatsoever, out of the blue, it happened.

 

The silver thread yanked with all it’s might, taking advantage of my imbalance and here I am dangling off the love rock.  Determined to hold on.  Determined not to be sucked back in and down to the black box.

 

I am trying to work out what triggered it.  Was it the fact the dream house could be back on the table, the emotional pressure making my heart falter and my head take over?  Was it the girl on TV who had hair just like hers?  Was it the lack of response to my Valentine’s card which laid my heart out bare, because his head was crunching numbers to buy me, us, the dream house?  Was it going through budgets and spend, income and outgoings and having to justify every penny and pound spent?

 

Whatever it was it is, I am furious at the black box. I am sick to death of it!   I am resisting the pull of the silver thread with all my anger, holding on and wishing it would snap and let me go.

 

I ran to try and get rid of it, but it felt like an iron chain round my waist.

I lay on the sofa, but it was a heavy weight on my chest.

 

The only thing that has helped loosen its pull, were the boys.

 

Willy’s words through his sweep of long blond hair, on picking him up, “Well that was quite possibly the bestest day ever!  I made a new friend and he likes books and stuff just as much as me!”  Oh the relief to see and hear him happy again.  I know I have to hang on tight to this love rock.

 

Tom’s arms round my waist hugging me so tight that I couldn’t breath as we look for ski socks.  I know he is silently telling me he is happy, more certain and far less confused than the little boy crying tragically in a corner of his room just a couple of months ago.  I know I have to hang on tight to this love rock.

 

And I know I have to pull myself up and get my leg back up on the next one.

 

So on this Valentine’s Day, when everyone is celebrating this day of love, so am I.  For the love of the Big Man, my boys, my family, my friends and for myself.

 

But most of all, I reminded myself of the words of a few days ago, “Love yourself so others can love you.” 

 

As I dangle here, I am loving myself for my resilience, my strength to hang on, my determination to not let life get me down, my commitment to my family.

 

As I dangle here, I can see Joy peering over the ledge of the love rock, waving me up.  She speaks to my inner Joy, knowing that she hates to feel melancholy and knowing that it probably wasn’t a silver thread that caught me off balance… but my old friend Fear.

 

And she reminds me that fear is just the anticipation of the unknown.  That I shouldn’t be frightened of what lies ahead on the next step, but excited.  And that I shouldn’t fear Fear itself, for he is just keeping me safe and the very reason I am alive today.

 

So with Fear holding one hand and Joy holding the other, I can feel myself pulling myself back up.  And perhaps, they will give me that leg up and help me take that next step.

 

Tomorrow.  First, I will sleep on my first rock for these ‘episodes’ of intense anger, frustration leave me drained and spent with exhaustion.

 

 

 

After the disappointment of yesterday’s news, no amount of dairy milk was going to get me out of the dip before bed time.  But this morning, it was time to start the next ascent and I am well aware and well practiced on the power of gratitude and how it can lift you, pick you up off the floor, make you uncover your eyes and see the light.

 

I remember as Mumbo was dying, on a particularly low evening, I reminded myself that there is always something to be grateful for:  my breath in, my breath out and my mind that remembers those two!  I smile this morning as I remember that and then the countless other things I count as I get up to get breakfast;  the 3 boys in my bed for starters, the roof over my head, the warm carpet beneath my feet, the running water to wash my face, the chance to say ‘thank you’ with each step.

 

And once the house is quiet, I reflect on my lost dream house and begin the transformation of sorrow to gladness.  I silently release my thanks out to the Universe to the family who were kind enough to show us around their beautiful home and consider selling it to us, the estate agent for facilitating so many negotiations patiently and to the Universe itself for giving us the opportunity to dream bigger and release limitations for our next move.  And I felt peace return and the weight of the situation lift and slowly the wheels of the cart started to roll and take me upwards.

 

And there were so many good things today that I am grateful for, that tonight I am on a gratitude high, a thankful peak of my rollercoaster, anticipating the next exhilarating ride!

 

I was grateful for the exercise I did the other evening, writing down all the things I wanted to have, do and be.  For it became easy to decide what to do today.  I had to do as many of the things on the list that were possible and by doing that, it made me ‘be’ who I wanted to be!  And with each happy thought, I felt each wheel ratchet and take me higher.

 

I found the ‘blue pearl’ of meditation and my mind was still.

I spoke openly and honestly with the Big Man about my feelings, concerns, thoughts.

I stretched my body through yoga in a sunshine filled snug.

I laughed with one of my most compassionate friends and put the worlds to rights.

I ticked many things off my ‘chore’ list and found great satisfaction in crossing them off.

I admired beautiful yellow roses given as a gift from a thoughtful friend who knows I love yellow.

I laughed with outright joy as ‘Joy’ fell out of the roses and I leapt across the kitchen as I haven’t done for a while as I realised joy was back in my kitchen.  Finally.

 

With my vibrational frequency back on a high, nothing could bring me rolling backwards;  not the clouds that covered the sun as I headed out for a run, not the stationary traffic on the road as I went to pick up the boys.

 

And as I arrived home, the Big Man handed me a single red rose, just because it wasn’t Valentine’s day.

 

A red rose of love, in sea of yellow roses of happiness.

 

Joy is back in the kitchen.

 

 

 

 

So we move swiftly from the rollercoaster of marriage, infidelity, relationships, heartbreak that I survived as it plummeted to the deepest and darkest of depths, looping the loop with moments of suspension, seemingly floating above the surface to breathe and feel the warmth of the sun to triggered painful memories, diving right back down again to the chilling clench of heartache.  The corkscrews coming faster and harder until they suddenly lurched to a complete whiplashing halt.

 

That’s when I chose to get off that rollercoaster and with trembling knees started to take those first steps away, with positive intentions, shaken but by no means out of the game.

 

And now it seems that we are on the rollercoaster of the British housing market.  And I am reminded why a house move is right up there on most stressful life events along with divorce and death.  All of which involve love and loss.

 

The love of a beautiful house, that in your mind you make your home, imagine your things, your family, your future in.  Day dreaming, decorating, dancing, only to have it taken away and similar to divorce and death, it is usually totally out of our own control, or influence.  Day dreaming has been a huge part of my healing;  knowing the next step of our future, where we were going to rebuild our life helped me believe it was going to be possible.  Losing the first home in reality, made my dreams of a future shatter and had me plummet sharply and believe all was lost, my heart falling out of my chest to shatter on the floor.

 

As I reflect this evening on our current dream house slipping away, I realise that this dream house was far ‘dreamier’ than the one that got away a month ago.   Losing the first one opened my mind to so much more, releasing many limitations, pushing out the boundaries. And once those limitations have been stretched, they can’t go back.

 

And as I read my evening gratitude passage, I realise that there are bigger things at play.

 

“Float through life and try not to resist challenges when they come.  Resisting them holds them to you.  Focus your mind on what you want, and then float above the challenging or negative things.  Imagine you are way up in the sky and looking down on the little dot of negativity.  When you do this, you are detaching yourself from the negativity and seeing it for what it really is.

  This one little process will keep you from drowning in a negative situation.”

 

 And after the slow climb to the dizzy height at the top of this rollercoaster, as I look down on this little dot of a beautiful potential home, my horizons are broadened yet again.  We were leaving the county….  But from up here, there are many more counties, countries even!   The world is our oyster.  And this little challenge will be a small blip to redirect us on our true path together.

 

Together, it doesn’t really matter what bricks and mortar, or stone and slate, wattle and daub make our home, the 4 of us, the cat and the dog (maybe the dog!), our hopes, our dreams, our laughter, our love make the feeling of home.

 

And as I tuck in to my bag of chocolate buttons to chomp through the negativity, and watch ‘Death in Paradise’ to laugh at Kris Marshall to drown the negativity with positivity, perhaps our dream home will be on a beach?!