Joy and Fear

So there I was, with Joy and being Joy in the kitchen.  Dancing.  And ready take the next step up the mountain, to the next love rock.  And as I was standing on one leg with my other leg just about to plant, with no warning whatsoever, out of the blue, it happened.

 

The silver thread yanked with all it’s might, taking advantage of my imbalance and here I am dangling off the love rock.  Determined to hold on.  Determined not to be sucked back in and down to the black box.

 

I am trying to work out what triggered it.  Was it the fact the dream house could be back on the table, the emotional pressure making my heart falter and my head take over?  Was it the girl on TV who had hair just like hers?  Was it the lack of response to my Valentine’s card which laid my heart out bare, because his head was crunching numbers to buy me, us, the dream house?  Was it going through budgets and spend, income and outgoings and having to justify every penny and pound spent?

 

Whatever it was it is, I am furious at the black box. I am sick to death of it!   I am resisting the pull of the silver thread with all my anger, holding on and wishing it would snap and let me go.

 

I ran to try and get rid of it, but it felt like an iron chain round my waist.

I lay on the sofa, but it was a heavy weight on my chest.

 

The only thing that has helped loosen its pull, were the boys.

 

Willy’s words through his sweep of long blond hair, on picking him up, “Well that was quite possibly the bestest day ever!  I made a new friend and he likes books and stuff just as much as me!”  Oh the relief to see and hear him happy again.  I know I have to hang on tight to this love rock.

 

Tom’s arms round my waist hugging me so tight that I couldn’t breath as we look for ski socks.  I know he is silently telling me he is happy, more certain and far less confused than the little boy crying tragically in a corner of his room just a couple of months ago.  I know I have to hang on tight to this love rock.

 

And I know I have to pull myself up and get my leg back up on the next one.

 

So on this Valentine’s Day, when everyone is celebrating this day of love, so am I.  For the love of the Big Man, my boys, my family, my friends and for myself.

 

But most of all, I reminded myself of the words of a few days ago, “Love yourself so others can love you.” 

 

As I dangle here, I am loving myself for my resilience, my strength to hang on, my determination to not let life get me down, my commitment to my family.

 

As I dangle here, I can see Joy peering over the ledge of the love rock, waving me up.  She speaks to my inner Joy, knowing that she hates to feel melancholy and knowing that it probably wasn’t a silver thread that caught me off balance… but my old friend Fear.

 

And she reminds me that fear is just the anticipation of the unknown.  That I shouldn’t be frightened of what lies ahead on the next step, but excited.  And that I shouldn’t fear Fear itself, for he is just keeping me safe and the very reason I am alive today.

 

So with Fear holding one hand and Joy holding the other, I can feel myself pulling myself back up.  And perhaps, they will give me that leg up and help me take that next step.

 

Tomorrow.  First, I will sleep on my first rock for these ‘episodes’ of intense anger, frustration leave me drained and spent with exhaustion.

 

fear-in-5-years

 

 

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