The Badger Book

I used to keep a list. I called it the ”Big Man Big Obstacle list’. I used to think writing down every little petty remark, snide comment he made about my determination to be a success in writing, in growing a business, how I tackled life would stop me dwelling on it; by writing it down, it would release it from my mind as writing did for all other thoughts and worries that paraded my consciousness.  
I dreamt that one day I would look back on this list and be proud that I overcame my Biggest Obstacle, the lack of support I felt from the one person I wanted to cheer me on. 
I realise now I was wrong. While my intention was in the right place, to write it down and let the comments and associated feelings go, so I didn’t hold a grudge, so I didn’t focus on it, I perhaps unintentionally focussed on what I didn’t want and therefore magnified it.
So back in January, when I was all over the place in trying to decide what to do, I started the ‘Badger Book’. 
I was in a little card and gift shop at the time, and it was just there. Just the one. In a pile of other random paraphernalia. It is small, hand sized, made of brown paper with the face of a badger on it.
The relevance of the badger is a long story involving too much Marc de Savoie (a particularly strong alpine digestif) the Big Man had one time skiing. It involved a lot of giggling and ‘badger’ became a term of endearment. 
In the weeks preceding the airing of the ‘Big Man’s Big Secret’ I saw several dead badgers on the side of the roads and motorways. They always made my heart flip a beat – was it a sign of death, tragedy? I suppose it was. Freaks me out thinking of it… the Universe and its little clues….
But the little brown badger was another sign. A sign to me for a new list to be written. A way to help me see through the darkness that had shrouded my Big Man, my Badger. So I started to see, appreciate and write down the good I saw, in his actions, his words and the way he was making me feel.  
And so perhaps by focussing and writing down the good for these last few weeks, I was able to start to fill the cracks in our relationship with golden thoughts and to see the light emanating from his shadow self and his true character once again shining through. I was able recognise that he was good man, good father, good partner, my friend and even my biggest champion. And despite the wrong things he did and bad choices he made, I have been able to see everything he has and is doing right. 
The badger book was instrumental in how I am sat here now, on a transfer bus into the French Alpes as a family, something 3 weeks ago I would never have been able to consider.
Plus – I needed someone to carry my skis and bags! Ha! 

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