It feels so good to be living and breathing back in a beautiful state, rather than a lousy one, high energy rather than low.  To have the good feelings of joy, happiness, vitality, fun rather than the negative feelings of anger, jealousy, frustration, boredom.

 

Talking of boredom, I am actually delighted to recognise that I was bored.  The frustration, the low on Monday and Tuesday, in reality was simply that.  Boredom.  A return back to life, to only be bored by it.  Thank goodness for my friends and my Angel of Hope and Inspiration for helping me realise that.  Thank goodness for the focus on #breakingbadhabits and Mel Robbins and her call to action of 54321 Launch!

 

The boredom is a sure sign of healing.  That the deep wound is beginning to mesh together, ready for a scab to form, a scar to be left to gently pale, a reminder of strength and growth and how magical and incredible the body, and mind, is.

 

Today, I had that wonderful feeling of deep joy, inner peace in realising ‘What’s not to love about today?’

 

Finally, empty laundry bins and no ironing in the basket!

 

Word Book Day and Willy with a saucepan on his head.

 

Tom finding money on the path and buying me a chocolate bar from tuck shop.

 

Brisk walks and furious chatting, slipping in mud, keeping the pram steady over the tree roots.

 

Making notes, outlining my synopsis, dreaming up the words of my first chapter, visualising the book cover.. butterflies in my tummy.

 

A lady of mature age offering me her dogeared token from her little purse as she saw I had steak in my trolley. (oh! Heart swelling moment… must remember to be like that.)

 

Daffodils beginning to line sides of the road, nestled in shady unexpected shadows of the trees and on my dining room table.

 

Kissing.   The kind of kissing where soft lips meet so gently so that melt your heart, knees and anger.

 

 

I wrote that earlier today after the words tumbled out of my head in the car, as the rain poured down.

 

And then that Mischievous Monkey scampered in, reminding me that everything hadn’t been right in my world and that everything was completely the opposite, I was just in the dark.

 

While carrying out a task, almost favour, it was as if the plug of happiness has been pulled out, or the joy switch flicked and my frequency went from super high to down right low base frequency.

 

I am big on frequency.  I believe Albert Einstein’s words and that they apply not only to things, but to us, human beings and which frequency we choose to live in – the beautiful state brings beauty and more love and good;  the lousy state as it suggests.

 

“Everything is energy and that is all there is too it.  Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way.  This is not philosophy.  This is physics.”

 

How do I flick that switch back?  Is it as simple as Tony Robbins says?  Just change your thoughts in your head, he says.  Our heads just a machine that has been wired to protect us, originally from the sabre tooth tiger, but now they are extinct, the negative thoughts protect us from trivia, past experiences biting us or what people think of us.

 

It takes practice.  ‘Mindfulness’.  And time.

 

I allowed myself to go down the rabbit hole, get angry, allow the anger to flow through.  Follow the leads.  Close it down.  Shut it in the black box.  Sat on it.  Breathed.

 

And re-read what I wrote earlier.

 

I am not yet back up on high frequency mode, but the nob is being slowly turned in the right direction.

 

Especially as I am sat with the boys watching the original of Annie and the soundtrack ‘It’s a hard knock life!’, a message from that Mischievous Monkey – bring the fun back, let in the light even in the darkest and hardest of times.

 

 

 

It takes 21 days to create a new habit, 30 days to cement it (according to Hal Elrod, the author of Miracle Morning), but apparently only 1 to break it.  Well, in theory. And that is in terms of ‘Ali’s bad habits’.

 

Although, today was less of a ‘launch’ out of bed as I had to disentangle myself from 2 small boys who had crept in to snuggle in for the last 20 minutes of night time, I was still up and having breakfast before 7 like the rest of the crew and a bolognaise cooking in the bottom of the aga before 8.  Meditation, gratitudes and emails all done by 9.15 and in the gym at 9.30.

 

Boom!  #breakingbadhabits rocks!

 

Interestingly, however, I did notice that I am more aware of the good habits I have implemented, the ones that serve a good purpose, the ones I do subconsciously, like the cleaning of my teeth to ensure I keep them until old age and the counting of my blessings as I shut my eyes so I sleep peacefully.  New ones have appeared more recently.

 

Two books in my bedroom; my Get Happy book and the Secret Daily Teachings.  A short passage or quote and I read one a day from each while I get dressed; thought provoking or energising words to spur me on throughout the day.

 

This morning’s readings or teachings were particularly poignant.

 

From Get Happy, the message was a reminder that the number one fear is rejection, stemming from certain death after rejection from the tribe.  The quote, I loved;

 

“Tension is who you think you should be.  Relaxation is who you are.”  Chinese proverb.

 

When I read these words, they mean so much to me and the journey I am on currently;  and they also mingled with the words of Mel Robbins’ podcast yesterday as she talks about being many versions of yourself as you go through life.  “Every phase of your life requires a different you.”  And this quote is saying, be true to yourself, ignore society, familial pressure, just be you – do what brings you joy!

 

From the Secret Daily Teachings, the words were even more powerful for me today.  They gave me strength to do what I knew I had to do.

 

“So often when things change in our lives, we have such a resistance to the change.

 

This is because when people see a big change appearing they are often fearful that it is something bad.  But it is important to remember that when something big changes in our lives, it means something better is coming.  There cannot be a vacuum in the Universe, and so as something moves out, something must come in and replace it.  When change comes, relax, have total faith and know that the change is ALL GOOD. 

 

Something more magnificent is coming to you!”

 

It was time to create that vacuum, to say goodbye to certain structures, people, methods, roles, goals and hang ups… perhaps not ‘au revoir’, more of an ‘a bientot’ in order to allow myself the headspace, the freedom, the clarity and invite something more magnificent in.  Something that has been waiting in the wings, waiting for its chance to unfold and enter from stage left.

 

My conscious and unconscious decisions to let go held fear;  it is both scary and thrilling to let go of something you love, in order to let something else in that you love more, or more importantly, want to be allowed to love more, have the time to love more and nurture.

 

But as always, in my reiki sessions, my unconscious thoughts are read out loud through the symbols and visions she sees and feels.  And afterwards, I always enjoy deciphering what they mean and how they apply to me, my journey.

 

Today, I was surrounded by angels and butterflies, mischievous monkeys, a swan, a camel, Japanese writing, blossoms on a tree, a content lion striding towards us, piles of crockery and a huge elephant carrying a big solitaire diamond.

 

At first, it all sounds like a strange zoo in Japan and a proposal.  But when you read in to it, it tells a story.  And that is the bit I love.

 

The Japanese writing tells of confusion for those who can’t decipher it (which I can’t), a period of turmoil, coupled with the monkey can mean deception and trickery, making you think that while you may think everything is right with the world, it is in fact completely the opposite.  However, the Japanese writing is also a symbol of the first step towards happiness, with a plan and focus and the monkey reminds me to keep that plan and focus light hearted and fun!

 

Enter the content lion, the camel, the swan and the butterflies.

 

The lion, the relentless fighter in the face of life challenges, courageous and brave.  My lion is calm, I see that as a sign that the fight is drawing to an end, time for peace or a truce.  And here the remaining animals intertwine with their meaning.  The butterfly clearly is a symbol for transformation and a reminder that while life continues to unfold, to be as light and graceful as a butterfly as it does.  The camel is also part of that unfolding, but provides the strength and endurance for the journey, while the swan represents the love, grace and beauty on that very same path as well as intuition and flow.

 

And so to the elephant and his big rock!  It could mean a proposal, for the little girl in me who only every wanted true love that is tempting to believe.  But digging deeper in to the meaning, I know elephants are a symbol of strength.  And diamonds, also strong, but more so symbolic of richness of the self and according to records, held in high esteem due to beauty, purity and ability to reflect light in a special manner.

 

As I piece together the puzzle, the picture becomes clear.  The struggle, the deception, the anger, the fight is over and the journey to happiness is underway and the path is the way of dignity and grace.  The elephant with the diamond is my book, my story of strength and a light to others.

 

So that leaves only piles of crockery and beautiful trees in blossom.  Both signs of massive wealth and prosperity.

 

And the angels – they have my back, and front and are silently trying to get through to give me the message.

 

I hear them.  I had better get writing.  It is time for a ‘different me’, from writer/blogger to writer /Author.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Operation ‘Breaking Bad Habits’ has begun in earnest. #breakingbadhabits

 

As the boys left for school, there was no sneaking back under the inviting warmth of my fluffy 10 tog duvet and quilt.  Breaking Bad habit #1.

 

Given the success of Breaking Bad habit #1, Breaking Bad habit #2 was easy.  I didn’t fall back to sleep!  I got dressed and had my breakfast, rather than missing it altogether and having it for lunch.

 

Breaking Bad habit #3 has been feeling sorry for myself for lack of purpose or drive, not knowing what to do with myself.  So I got back to list making.  2 in fact.  One with pleasant, little, easy things that I could tick off and make myself feel better. Not a chore list, but a list of enjoyable things to do, mainly people who I hadn’t responded to when they had been so kind to reach out.

 

The second, was My List, deserving of the capitals.  My blank sheet of paper to fill with ‘the next chapter’ and ways to determine how I wanted to fill it.  So that was easy too.  I reminded myself of the quote ‘Do what brings you joy, so you can bring joy to others.’  And answered the question, ‘what brings me joy?’.

 

Breaking Bad habit #4 followed naturally;  getting out of my head and doing, being and living!  Because now I knew what I wanted to do and how I wanted to fill my day.

 

And here comes the beauty and the power of the Universe.

 

For I then noticed an unread email from school saying there was a cake stall for the next 3 days and all cakes welcome.  One of my life’s little pleasures is baking and cooking.  The kitchen smelled divine with the baking of brownies and I felt no guilt licking the spoon, the whisk and the bowl.

 

Ask and you shall receive.  I love research, listening to great leaders, entrepreneurs, writers, thought leaders, spiritualists, health gurus, considering their messages, feeling inspired or intrigued to learn more and putting into action their methods, recording what happens.  This was of course on my list and I received the best and most appropriate teacher for today on the latest podcast with Lewis Howes, Mel Robbins and her 5 second rule.

 

Her voice in my head as I ran (obvs another on my joy list, and #breakingbadhabit #4 get off my arse and out of the house).

 

“Break the habit cycle,” she opened.  It couldn’t have been a more perfect listen as I pounded the paths, hid from the rain, felt the fat burn and the wind in my face.

 

“You can’t change your life in your head, only by taking action.” LOVE HER!  She was my pep talk as I carried on, she was telling me I was on the right path.

 

She had worked out her formula for success after years of crippling self doubt, uncertainty and after becoming sick of hitting the snooze button every morning only to wake up to a failing marriage, piling debt and dwindling career.  It came to her in a moment of watching an advert with a rocket launching into orbit.  She knew she had to launch herself back in to life.  But she also knew she didn’t feel like it, she was afraid and uncertain of what was going to happen.

 

And this is where her research and book is fascinating.  She started her 5 second rule the next day, not understanding why it worked.  But by counting 54321 LAUNCH, just like the rocket, she accomplished so much and turned her life around.  She stopped the procrastination, the hesitation and leant in to what she was resisting by doing it.  She pushed herself by taking control of her thoughts and therefore changed her behaviours.

 

Neuroscientists have confirmed that decisions are made with 95% feeling.  Feeling!   How you feel in the moment, not with motivation from goals or determination with logic.  Feeling.   We won’t ever feel ready to do something scary or different or challenging, so she is right; you have to change your thoughts and behaviours and only then can you change your feeling.  That is when the confidence comes, not from personality, not from a state of belief, but from the willingness to try over and over again whether you fail or not.

 

This morning, I launched myself out of bed without even knowing the 5 second rule.  I threw myself in to action and my self esteem has sky rocketed!  I am on the way to finding Ali again.  She is a new version.  A stronger version.  I can see her, she is emerging, she has a plan and a willingness to try, regardless of success.

 

 

http://lewishowes.com/podcast/e-mel-robbins/

 

 

 

When I started this project, this daily blog, I had no idea what was going to happen.  No idea what I would be writing about, my only criteria to stay authentic, true and share my story.

 

It seems that sometimes that openness and rawness offends some.  Maybe offend isn’t the right word…. Too hard to read?  Too close to the bone?  Too close to their own truth?  Too embarrassed that they don’t know what to do or say?  Or perhaps it is the feeling you have in a film, when something awful happens – you aren’t sorry for the person in the film, you are sorry for yourself when you imagine yourself in the same position?

 

There is no point justifying to myself again why I write this blog or publicise it, having done so many times before.  But why is it, that the one comment that questions why or what I do, in amongst the countless that support, cheer and praise it, is the one that stays with me?

 

The one yesterday in particular, lingered on my conscious for longer than normal.

 

I appreciate that I am experiencing somewhat more than ‘post holiday blues’.  Returning home to the usual mountain of washing, monotony of daily household chores, parenting roles is always pretty depressing after the delights of being away.  In previous times, however, my life has been full.  So full.  I was on purpose, I had drive, enthusiasm, goals, dreams, hopes and desires.  Right now I am bereft of anything.  My role as a wife questionable.  My role as a mother always under fire.  My role as a leader, business owner and partner diminished with lack of confidence and self belief.  My role as a volunteer non existent as I have nothing to give. My role as a friend suffocated by shame.

 

The only thing keeping me afloat was writing, my blog.  Feeling vulnerable, in a highly sensitive state, any little glance feels like a blow.

 

Fortunately, there are a few people left I trust and they were there today.  Some on the end of a phone line, making me laugh, showing me solidarity, making me feel safe and loved.  A couple leaning on a school corridor wall showing empathy, kindness and trivia.

 

And one who literally sat me down, fed me and hauled me out of my black hole of despair.  I am not really sure how she did it, but she was the Angel of Hope and Inspiration.  She has helped me take the first step out of my head, reminded me of my own lesson – if you don’t like where you are, you have to change; to break the cycle, you need to change your habits.

 

If Ali is lost, lonely, confused, then it is time to find her.  Show her a blank piece of paper and get her to start writing down what she wants to create.  I have done it before, I can do it again.  And rather than feeling overwhelmed by the loss of my identity as I did this morning, I am now beginning to feel the first tingle of excitement in re-writing it again.

 

And just like that, my headache is gone.

 

With my heart benefitting from a few stitches to bring the two pieces back together, it is now the turn of my head to split open.
Maybe it is sugar and toxin withdrawal.
Maybe it is the end of a blocked sinus related cold.
Maybe it is just a headache.
But I strongly suspect, that despite my mindfulness efforts, my head is broken. The constant torture of truth and lies, then and now… for truth and lies have the same sound, it is the mind that determines what to believe.
The same words said by the man then and the man now – different men in the same body. My mind feeling the truth then but my mind feeding me lies to believe, to keep my family, my life, myself together yet preventing me from honesty.
My mind feeling the truth now but my mind feeding me lies to believe, to protect me, keep me from further hurt and yet preventing me from moving on.
The overwhelming truth and lies making me now not believe. In anything. Mostly myself. 
While the pain of my heart subsides, my head hurts.
I look forward to tomorrow.

For the first time in 24 hours, my mind is blissfully quiet.

 

Coming home late last night wasn’t what I expected it to be.  My heart is still full from the holiday and set on the right course to what I know will be happiness.

 

But the closer we got home, the more agitated and nervous I became.  Not my usual excited anticipation of being back in my beloved and sacred family space.

 

I slept fitfully and this morning, the darkness had closed in.

 

So just as I used to count off the different techniques and possible solutions for why one of the boys would be crying as a baby (jumper off, jumper on, give food, change nappy, give calpol, give a cuddle or just listen to their chat!), I carried out similar solutions and techniques for me.

 

Mindfulness, a guided meditation and my usual gratitude flow helped stem the noise in my head.  Until I was brought back to reality, a cup of tea brought with kindness and a message – time for breakfast.

 

Having emptied my head, I decided to fill it with information – catching up on the weeks’ news from the Sunday papers, reading my book about an incredible neurosurgeon diagnosed with cancer.  Until I was brought back to reality, the online delivery knocking on my door and a message – time to get dressed.

 

To get out of my head, I busied myself with the daily chores of a post family holiday, namely unpacking, sorting, washing, tidying.  Until I was brought back to reality, the Big Man was leaving for London and a message – time to trust, time to trust, time to trust.

 

To drown out my saboteur, no longer looking like Dobby but a faceless mannequin dressed in a basque and knee high boots, I followed my therapist’s advice.  I physically carried out the motions of turning down the sound so I could no longer hear the taunting, the jibing, the questioning.  I imagined putting it in a frame, to freeze frame it and stop the dancing.  My therapist told me to throw it away, but it felt far better stamping it out with my foot, smashing the imaginary glass.  Until I was brought back to reality, the boys were bored, hungry, fighting and giving me a message – time to refocus on what was important, my boys and the last day of the holidays.

 

To recover from a busy afternoon solo parenting, after an intense co-parenting week, I took a bath (which still surprises me, the person who hates a bath) and I listened to more of the Unthethered Soul, which talked about reality and gave me a clear message.

 

Our thoughts and experiences build walls in our minds making us think that everything is finite.  In thinking everything is finite, we block out the light, leaving ourselves in darkness.  In defending those walls, we only subject ourselves to even more darkness.  But those walls also keep us safe, secure and comfortable.

 

I recognise that I had built up walls inside my head, my walls represented the fortress of my life and I was happy within those walls, defending them, not seeing through them.. until someone let in the light by knocking them down, leaving me exposed, vulnerable, insecure and afraid.

 

And now I realise I am doing the same again.  Building up walls in my mind to protect myself and I can feel the darkness closing in.

 

The only way to break the cycle is to let go of my thoughts and beliefs on the way things should be, ought to be and just keep pushing through my old views and being open to new ones, do new things, change my routines and live freely.

 

And then I can love freely again, in a new way, infinitely.

 

 

 

Heidegger once pronounced that boredom is the awareness of time passing. 
When waiting all morning for a bus to leave, then all afternoon waiting for a plane to arrive, the only way to distract ourselves from the awareness of time passing was to busy ourselves; a walk, a coffee, a sweet shop, a book, a last lunch in the sun. 
My favourite though had to be champagne family Uno. 
Champagne just because I survived the week. 
Champagne because we all survived the week. 
Champagne because I feel happy, loved, safe, secure and tight as a family.
Champagne because… well, just because.. and because someone was right. Time passes and time helps heal and that’s worth celebrating.

The flat light, 100’s of holiday makers, slush and icy moguls made for dangerous skiing on the last funnel route down to the village.  The air buzzed with the sound of the helicopter and I counted at least 3 blood wagons.

 

Blood wagons make my blood run cold; those split seconds as you search for the helmet / hat / head to see if they belong to your precious people.  The relief when they aren’t.  The silent prayer of thanks and thoughts for those injured.

 

It prompted some of the early thought processes I had right at the beginning of all ‘this mess’ in my marriage.

 

3 questions continued to play around in my consciousness.  Would I be able to forgive?  Could I ever trust implicitly? Would it be possible to love him again?

 

In the early days, I thought forgiveness would be impossible.  I started to learn to forgive by learning to forgive myself; by showing myself empathy and compassion. I learnt that forgiving was meant for my benefit, my peace, my calm soul, not to vindicate him or condone their actions.  And now I am willing and open to forgiving him.  And perhaps one day I will wake up and find that I am ready to let it all go, show compassion and empathise with how he was feeling, the desire for adventure, excitement, secrecy, something that was just his and forgive the man he was. Perhaps.  To forgive the man he is being, is easier.  But is it that simple! They are the same man…. 

 

In the early days, I thought trusting would be impossible.  This is the question I still battle with most. It isn’t necessarily, will I ever be able to trust him again but will I ever be able to trust myself again, my instincts?  Will I ever be able to determine who is speaking the truth, my gut feel or my saboteur?  Snow White seeing only the good, or Dobby questioning everything? I chose Snow White and ignored Dobby who end up being right.  So was Snow White really my saboteur – protecting me, by allowing me to choose to avoid what I feared?  The jury is still out on this one.  As for trusting the Big Man, well, it is the same as forgiveness.

 

In the early days, I thought love would be impossible. And yet I now realise that this is the one question that was the easiest to answer.  I never stopped loving him and perhaps that is why the pain was so great, so intense and even now still so raw.

 

Seeing the blood wagons reminded me of what I realised very early on, what love means to me.  Love means not being being able to breathe or live without someone else, because they are so intertwined with being part of you.   Love means dropping everything just to be with that one person if they are in pain, suffering or even dying just to be with them, hold them, embrace them and connect in the way that only those in love can without words.  Love means being able to laugh together even in the darkest of times, because you are together.

 

Shortly after the news broke, a very dear and close friend told me she had been hit by her very own juggernaut; cancer.  My heart went out to her, my thoughts and prayers were hers.

 

Yet the message to me was very clear in my heart.  That if the same diagnosis was mine, there would only be one person I would want to comfort me. That if the same diagnosis was his, there would be only one place I would want to be, by his side.

 

My heart knew early on the answer to the question of the possibility of love.  It has been my head, fighting the other two questions, fathoming out the answers to trust and forgiveness that have held the love in. 

 

An intense week, magnifying so much.  But also highlighting that which we all know, that love is the answer, whether it is foolish, flawed, forever or not.
 

 

 

 

I am sat surrounded by beautiful mountains dressed in the setting sunlight in the Umbrella Bar. It has been a day of ‘mountains’.
I woke to a view of them outside my window, pale, inviting, magnificent and majestic. 
Opening my doors to feel the early morning mountain air, I reset my mind to a mountain meditation which set me up for the day. The voice said to imagine a mountain, with all its forms, rock formations and formidability. The mountain that filled my peaceful, calm mind was my favourite – the Swiss Matterhorn. Individual. Unique. Imagine yourself as the mountain, filling your presence, your body, your soul. Foundations firm, strong, grounded. Imagine your lofty height. Feel your resilience to the clouds and storms that flow past you. Embrace the sun, warming you to the core. 
Today I was the Matterhorn. 
Yesterday the clouds and the storms swirled my peak. 
Today was a clear day. My foundations and connections to my roots, the earth, the ground strong and firm. My head high, cloudless. 
Today we found our favourite vista on our favourite mountain of the week and we climbed higher than the world. It was a special moment as we each took turns to throw some of Granny Annie’s ashes to the snow, to the blue sky and we wished her a good ski. It was her kind of day. 
A perfect day on the slopes and in the mountains. 

The Universe has ways of testing you;  making sure you are happy with the path taken, the decisions chosen, choices made.

 

Here we are on our on mountainous, holiday love rock, being grateful for the sun, snow, family time, vin chaud, everything covered in gratin and suddenly salt is thrown in the wounds. Uncovered messages, reminders of the ugliness and the uncertainty around who else knew.

 

I am thrust back in to darkness.

 

But I am feeling that the darkness is beginning to be more transient; the clouds passing the sun more swiftly, rather than lingering.  I have learnt to walk away, disconnect, breathe, distract myself.  Be by myself so I feel myself again.

 

I remind myself that in the grander scheme of things, I am a dot, this is smaller than a dot.  I am on a spinning globe flying around a burning ball of fire in a galaxy full of billions of other stars.

 

I am a dot.  This is a dot.

 

And I can get back to the moment, this one. Lying in bed with my boys, full of a pierrade mixte, frites and house wine, laughter and love.

 

There is only now.  And I am a dot.  It was all just a dot.