For the first time in 24 hours, my mind is blissfully quiet.
Coming home late last night wasn’t what I expected it to be. My heart is still full from the holiday and set on the right course to what I know will be happiness.
But the closer we got home, the more agitated and nervous I became. Not my usual excited anticipation of being back in my beloved and sacred family space.
I slept fitfully and this morning, the darkness had closed in.
So just as I used to count off the different techniques and possible solutions for why one of the boys would be crying as a baby (jumper off, jumper on, give food, change nappy, give calpol, give a cuddle or just listen to their chat!), I carried out similar solutions and techniques for me.
Mindfulness, a guided meditation and my usual gratitude flow helped stem the noise in my head. Until I was brought back to reality, a cup of tea brought with kindness and a message – time for breakfast.
Having emptied my head, I decided to fill it with information – catching up on the weeks’ news from the Sunday papers, reading my book about an incredible neurosurgeon diagnosed with cancer. Until I was brought back to reality, the online delivery knocking on my door and a message – time to get dressed.
To get out of my head, I busied myself with the daily chores of a post family holiday, namely unpacking, sorting, washing, tidying. Until I was brought back to reality, the Big Man was leaving for London and a message – time to trust, time to trust, time to trust.
To drown out my saboteur, no longer looking like Dobby but a faceless mannequin dressed in a basque and knee high boots, I followed my therapist’s advice. I physically carried out the motions of turning down the sound so I could no longer hear the taunting, the jibing, the questioning. I imagined putting it in a frame, to freeze frame it and stop the dancing. My therapist told me to throw it away, but it felt far better stamping it out with my foot, smashing the imaginary glass. Until I was brought back to reality, the boys were bored, hungry, fighting and giving me a message – time to refocus on what was important, my boys and the last day of the holidays.
To recover from a busy afternoon solo parenting, after an intense co-parenting week, I took a bath (which still surprises me, the person who hates a bath) and I listened to more of the Unthethered Soul, which talked about reality and gave me a clear message.
Our thoughts and experiences build walls in our minds making us think that everything is finite. In thinking everything is finite, we block out the light, leaving ourselves in darkness. In defending those walls, we only subject ourselves to even more darkness. But those walls also keep us safe, secure and comfortable.
I recognise that I had built up walls inside my head, my walls represented the fortress of my life and I was happy within those walls, defending them, not seeing through them.. until someone let in the light by knocking them down, leaving me exposed, vulnerable, insecure and afraid.
And now I realise I am doing the same again. Building up walls in my mind to protect myself and I can feel the darkness closing in.
The only way to break the cycle is to let go of my thoughts and beliefs on the way things should be, ought to be and just keep pushing through my old views and being open to new ones, do new things, change my routines and live freely.
And then I can love freely again, in a new way, infinitely.