Healing myself happy

Today, I felt a strong sense of why I called my new business ‘Heal Yourself Happy’.

 

I am so happy.  Whereas, just 12 months ago, I was desperately unhappy, broken.  Even 4 or 5 months ago, there were still long periods of sadness in the spells of light and my wounds wept.

 

I am happy in my bones and in my core, no longer just in my smile.  My scars no longer weep and where my broken heart once lay shattered, they are pieced together, the cracks letting in the light and refracting it out to warm the rest of me.

 

I am healed by every tear I shed, every painful step forward I took, every fall, every stumble, every re-opened wound.  I am healed by love, by passion and purpose.

 

I was right to put my heart first, listen to my gut and gently manage my brain.

I was right to put me first, my boys second and everyone else followed.

I was right to heal myself happy and the rest fell in to place.

 

6 areas of wellness

 

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No blog!

For the first time in a very long time, I almost forgot to write…

I am going to take that as a really good thing. There is nothing on my mind that I need to write through, think through or share on paper…. and that can only mean it’s all good!

Starting and ending with gratitude

At the end of the day, journaling is all about putting pen to paper, writing out the thoughts in your head, understanding feelings.

 

When I don’t know where to start, in good times or dark times, I always start with gratitude for what went well and end with gratitude for what didn’t go so well and for the lessons that taught me.

 

Today, my gratitude list of what went well is endless.  My days continue to be days full of joy, knocking off many of noted joy list activities.  I learn from my clients.  I learn from others.  I learn from my mistakes.  I connect with others.  I connect with myself.

 

I learn to drink more water.  I learn about how food is information, how it triggers functions in the body – the start of functional medicine.  I learn to remember to check the aga ovens for food I cook, and forget about.  I enjoy time with friends and loved ones. And time alone.

 

The feeling of calm and happiness is my major feeling, no longer one of despair.  That, I am most grateful for and the strength my time in the dark brought me, for the changes I was courageous enough to make.  That brought me here.

 

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All the days, are the best days

By the side of the aga, as I was cooking his tea, I caught up with my little man and his day.  He told me all about Joseph and his technicoloured dream coat and the story of his 11 brothers and the 11 stars.  He was passionate and excited to share his day with me.  As he wrapped up the story, I concluded with him that he had had a really good day.

 

No Mummy, Monday’s are my worst days ever.”

 

It reminded me that Monday’s and Tuesday’s used to be my worst days ever at school.  They were the longest, back to back lessons and games and no down time, no time for fun or play.

 

Monday’s at work were always tough, a reminder of the long commutes away from home or the tube in London.  Picking up the remnants of the week before or any issues arisen from the weekend.  Tuesday, more of the same and the weekend still so far away.  It was a time, living for a weekend.

 

My Mondays and Tuesdays are now my busiest days.  Clearing up after the weekend, resetting the house for the week, restocking the fridge and my clients are now filling my schedule.

 

For the first time in a long time, I feel fulfilled in what I do.  Even if I am bone tired, a client call can have me lifted.  I surprise myself at how much I know from what I have read, what I have put in to practice.  My tools, my techniques, my tips… even my ‘cosmic ordering’ are being paid forward to help others.  The little voice inside my head that used to say ‘you know nothing and what you know is nothing, it won’t serve anyone’ is being drowned out by the reality that I do, it is something and it does serve and help others.

 

Mondays and Tuesdays and all the other days of the week are turning out to all be my favourites!  That’s just such a great place to be!  And I still pinch myself to remind myself of the reality of where I am now and where I was last year.  My tools for healing, recovery and growth are still in the belt around my waist, but I am loving loaning them to others, giving them a chance to try them out so they can create their own unique tool belts for life.

tools

 

 

The shark in my mind

I remember many, many years ago diving in the Turks and Caicos..  As my friend and I slid backwards in to the water, and the bubbles disappeared, I saw the shadow of a shark swiftly flicking back in to the darker waters, out of sight.  As we enjoyed the beauty of the deep blue, I could feel the prickle of something or someone watching us;  and every now and then, my peripheral vision would pick up on a flash of a sultry silhouette.  No obvious threat, but just the lingering feeling of a darker presence.  I knew it was there.  It knew I was there.  One eye on me, my eye on it, trying to ignore it in order to enjoy the fascinating new world I found myself swimming in.

 

That’s how I would describe the memories of my past.

 

I know it’s there.  My conscious mind and my subconscious mind, swimming around in my head, circling.

 

That’s why my IBS flared up. My nausea and stomach cramps telling me to look at the shark.  Acknowledge it.  Stare it out and let it swim back in to the murky, dusky depths.

 

I don’t like looking at it.  It scares me.  It angers me.  It upsets me.  But God, it feels good, when it disappears again.

 

I can relax.  My shoulders can drop.  My stomach stops churning.  My head stops pounding.  And I can marvel at how wonderful my surrounds are again, with my family eating pizza and watching ‘The grand tour’, the cat purring, the fire blazing;  all content after an afternoon with the best of friends, laughing and lounging.

 

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the 2 brains of a super hero

I think there must be something on my mind.  My subconscious mind.  And try as I might, I cannot tap in to it. While my brain brain is whirring, trying to sort something out, my second brain is letting me know there is something going on and it is not happy about it..

 

My second brain is my gut.  While my brain works overtime, my gut lets me know I am anxious.  My IBS flares up.  Pain. Nausea. And my energy levels dip, sapped by the constant cogs turning in my brain and my digestion poor, absorption meaning I am not getting the right levels of nutrients.

 

And as I sat there this morning, frustrated with my 2 brains, wanting to use at least one of them for a better purpose, my phone pinged with a message.

 

I saw this and thought of you.”  And the words helped me relax.  Maybe I have been trying too hard recently?  Too hard to ignore things that have stirred up painful memories.  Too hard on work opportunities, study and ideas in my head.  Too hard to make my original plans go to plan and then too hard to let the plans go.

 

Anyway, the words made me emotional and pretty choked.  I have done the hard work.

 

I just need to chill the f*ck out.  I am a super hero.  And I have 2 brains!

 

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Tired

I am tired. That is all.

Tired from feeling nauseous.

Tired from the battles at bed time.

Tired.

I wish I didn’t feel so tired as I had a really good day… leading to so many exciting opportunities and avenues.

I wish I didn’t feel so tired.