Tonight I am full. Full of gratitude, peace, love, appreciation, adoration, calm, silliness, smiles, joy, Christmas fizz, sprouts, the purple ones and excitement for the year ahead! ….

As I climb in to bed approaching Christmas Day, I can’t help myself but reflect on where I am this year in comparison to a year ago.  A year ago, I was in a dark place, not knowing what I wanted or where I wanted to go, do, be or have

 

This year, I can’t quite believe the difference.

 

I have everything I have ever dreamt of.  My family under one roof.  Our health, our happiness, purpose, joy and love all around.  And my head and heart are at peace with each other.

 

The only thing missing, my roots, my first family.

 

There is no such thing as perfect… but maybe next year?

 

How funny.  How funny that some things never change…. And that everything always evolve.

 

A hangover cure, a lazy meal – always half-half, Texan BBQ and Vegerama.  When I would arrive in Newcastle on the train, this was the supper that would greet me.  Half for him. Half for me.  And when he would arrive from the north to Brixton, The Oval, Islington or wherever I was crashing in the early years of consulting life – the tradition would continue.

 

A hangover tonight and I smiled as the order went through as we drove home from another Christmas Drinks party.  Some things never change.  A half-half.

 

But as he tucks in to his half-half, Tom Tom and I tuck in to our homemade chicken, feta and avocado salad.  Passing in favour of crunch and clean, rather than sickly sweet and sticky fingers.

 

It makes me smile.  In a way, a romantic tradition and a nod to the past.

I am all for rules being tested, bent and broken.  And as long as they remain within the confines of the law and don’t mess with the boundaries of safety and wellbeing of yourself and others.

I don’t mind if milk gets spilt, too much chocolate is eaten, mud on the wool carpets… and I no longer over react if something is broken.  I have learnt to sigh and realise that breaks can be fixed, that they add character and unique features.  And that sometimes, while something is broken, it can provide a well needed rest or perhaps reignite a desire and more importantly, recognise appreciation.

So, at seeing the broken buggy, with a wheel hanging off and a fence post lying supine, and 7 sad faces looking at me out of mud caked faces, I knew it was time to wheel it into its shed for a well-deserved rest having been run ragged around the fields for hours.

But I didn’t anticipate what would happen next, little boys, being little boys, bending and breaking the rules.

There were only 3 rules stipulated for the birthday party, the first being to stay within the boundary fences, walls and hedges.  An obvious safety rule.

One that was broken and ended up with 2 fire engines racing up the road and turning on a dime edge down the lane and in to the field.

This time it was 4 pairs of scared eyes that looked up at me and one pair of eyes from way up high looking down at me.  A heart in mouth moment and the realisation that it was one thing I couldn’t resolve on my own.

I trust that all the boys learnt a lesson today.  There was no need for admonishment, angry words or a loss of control.  The seriousness of the situation spoke for itself.  But the memory will come from the relief and fun afterwards…. And the story that I am sure they will all dine out on for many years.

I already overhead them giggling about it… “I can’t believe I got stuck 40ft up a tree … and the fire brigade came to get me down!”

On a social media post update, I wrote that today marked the best decade of my life.  10 years on from my first son being born – the best day of my life as a true angel joined us – a rare human who you cannot fail to like and who is described many times as ‘gorgeous inside and out’.

As I hit the ‘ok’ button to post the statement to the world, I did wonder to myself – did I really mean that?

In that time, I have also been through some of the most heart breaking, heart aching times, overwhelming loss and turn-the-world-inside-out-and-upside-down transformational times.

But they say, it is better to have love and lost, rather than to have never loved at all.

And they also say that the hardest of times, lead to the best of times.

That out of devastation, destruction and even death, comes new birth, new life, new beginnings.

And to wrap up such a memorably fun and crazy day to end this decade, as we sat in between 2 rows of 8, 9 and 10 year old boys munching popcorn and knocking over bottles with their wriggliness, Ben Solo said the words:

“Let the past die..

Kill it if you have to..

It is the only way you will become the person you were meant to be.”

It’s time to start the next decade and hold the pen as I write the story of what I am sure will contain just as many ups and downs and gloriousness.

We are surrounded by the visual and smell of fresh paint!  Sitting on dust sheets and smiling as we do the final bits of Christmas shopping.

 

Having just done one room, I can start to see and visualise the end game.  This beautiful old house being returned to its original splendour, with a fresh, modern touch.

 

Calm and confident.

 

Simple and elegant.

 

Stripped back of all the loud embellishments following patience and hard work.

 

The parallels continue – the story of our house and how we make it a new home, a central part of our healing process and the foundations of our future together.

 

The colours also give a nod to our personal stories;  his front room and lounge in soft, humble tones of grey, while my library is in bold and strong blue.

 

The transition and the transformation phases are interesting chapters.  I look forward to the next ones with a mixed sense of overwhelming excitement!

 

Today was just a day.  Just a day being a Mum on a school holiday, trying to get the boring chores as well as the less mundane Christmas / Birthday boy ones done while entertaining and feeding children.

 

The highlight of the day and the week so far was a visit from a good friend, bringing with her, her boys and her soup and her brownies.  And a testimonial…..  A testimonial that left me without any doubt that I am on the right path with Health Coaching, Coaching and writing my book(s).

 

 

I had met so many recruitment agents and I always came away feeling downhearted and that they were missing something. So – I made a time to meet Ali, who made me feel totally at ease and asked me to think about my whole life and visualise what I wanted and most importantly, how would I feel after a perfect day.  Suddenly I had a list of value and priorities which have allowed me to dismiss roles, social events and say yes to things which take me in the direction I want to go.  She was challenging, pacey and I felt really energised. 

Ali is particularly strong at advising working women. She has done the corporate job, juggled a family, build a home, and found hobbies which tap into her creative and artistic side.  99% of working women I know want to balance all these – Ali is great at unlocking your personal formula – she is truly holistic in her approach.

 

 

 

The transformation is slowly taking shape.  One step at a time;  one room at a time.  The front room that was damaged by a car driving into the bay window is being slowly returned from an Italian / Grecian ornate to a classic Georgian one.

Just the smallest of touches can have such a huge effect.

The removal of the hand painted goddesses and the faux pillars above the mantelpiece that drew the eye into the centre of the room has transformed the room back to a majestic, abundantly wide room.

The newly painted white ceiling lifting the height of the room only adds to the impressive statistics.

But it was the winter midday sun that showed me that while internal changes can have dramatic effect, it is often the unknown external ones that can reveal the biggest change.  The trees that used to line the courtyard are now gone, unveiling the most incredible light pouring through the new bay window.

That is the biggest transformation.

And the parallels of the house continue; no matter how hard I was working on changing myself, my attitude, my growth, no amount of internal change was going to allow the sun to shine in to our relationship until the external work was done and the environment in which it was to flourish modified.  I think that bears remembering – true transformation is both an inside and an outside job.

When you have been in a sad and lonely place just as I found when I was on my rocky sea bed watching the waves overhead, the only thing that can keep you sane, the only thing that can give you hope is a vision of a happy future. At times it may only be a glimmer and an unbelievable one at that. But just that little spark of a dream of a brighter future can keep you breathing, no matter how far under water you are.

My glimmer was a feeling from deep within me that happier times weren’t over and that there were plenty of jolly times ahead. A vision of a peaceful me. A thought of a loved, held me in the arms of someone keeping me safe. A dream of a happy family laughing together.

And the hope that one day we would be in a home that would be full to the brim with good friends and family.

The vision, the thought, the dream and the hope are now all a reality as today we filled the house with festive fun!

Saturday before Christmas and it is Chinese takeaway and Strictly finals. I wonder how many families are doing the same?

 

Or maybe they aren’t?  A handful of years ago, we would have been out on the town and the boys with a babysitter.  A lot can change in a year or two.

 

When you are faced with loss, you become grateful for the small things and you would do anything to recover what is no longer there.

 

So our fortune cookies are so incredibly apt tonight:

 

For me:  The strong person understands how to withstand substantial loss.

 

The loss over the last 2 years has definite made me stronger.  Perhaps longer than that – the losses notching up over the last 10, from babies to career, parents to marriage.

 

For him:  Your example will inspire others.

 

Faced with the loss of everything he held so dear, he has moved heaven and earth to regain it and rebuild it in a remarkable and truly inspirational way.