I have always loved a good affirmation.  They are now such a part of my daily routine, so that just like cleaning my teeth, I can’t leave home without doing it.

I have seen and felt them work;  from the ‘I am successful’ mantra I had to repeat daily after I left the corporate profession I had worked so hard at for a decade and a half… to the ‘I am a strong and independent woman’ and ‘I am happy’ affirmations of the last year.

For me, I like to use them to affirm what I know I am deep down;  I use them to open up those hidden jewels that have been locked away.  I speak them out loud so as to open up my consciousness, to plant the seed that will grow as it gathers what it needs to ‘become’.  I find they give me confidence and permission to go out there into the world, leave my bathroom and to be what I say I am.

And my latest and most current affirmation is already manifesting.

“I am an holistic health coach, inspiring the word one person at a time to take a look at their holistic health and make changes so that they are fulfilled, happy and healthy.”

I started doing a little dance when someone would text me or send me a photo of what they were making or doing, saying they were inspired to do so by my posts on my ‘Heal yourself Happy’ Instagram feed.  And they used the words ‘inspired’!  And now I am pretty much dancing all the time!!

One person at a time, one friend at a time… one bite, one recipe, one juice, one family at a time.  One drop in an ocean creating a ripple effect!  And that makes me happy!

I always find it fascinating to read past blog posts; not every day, but sometimes, on the odd occasion one will pop up and the words, quote or photo will intrigue me enough to see what I had to say.

 

This time last year, I wrote that I felt like I was Alice falling down the rabbit hole, and the destination wasn’t to Wonderland.  I wasn’t sure what road I wanted to take, nothing made sense, I was curious and was haunted by wanting to know more, yet knew it wouldn’t help in the long run.  And yet all through it, I knew I had to close my eyes and dream of a future that I could one day believe in… and I kept that visualisation going as I continued to fall down that dark rabbit hole.

 

It was my guide.  Sometimes I veered off track.  Sometimes I didn’t believe it.  Sometimes it was clouded by anger, masked by pain, fell in to the shadow when the past became bigger than the future.  But it was always there…

 

I also wrote that I wanted to fast forward the year, know the answers and see what happens.

 

But if I had done that, I wouldn’t have experienced what I experienced, learnt what I learnt, become what I have become, believed what I believe now to be true.

 

That I am in Wonderland.  And I am confident that it can only get better.

 

 

 

All I could think, as I looked directly upwards in to the harsh artificial lighting square in the ceiling, was ‘how brutal’ and yet ‘how kind’…

 

I trained my attention to focus on the kind, as the nurse squeezed my hand and the surgeon repeatedly apologised as he wielded the ridiculously sized needle I had glimpsed before turning away, just a moment prior to saying ‘bang coming now’.  I trained my attention on that light, my breath and the positive and soothing words of the experienced professionals.

 

While I was walking this morning, on a podcast Ali McGraw said that she looked for ‘kernels’ in every situation.  I like that.  The kernel being the bit of the grain that holds all the goodness, the concentrated benefits.

 

So even though the procedure reminded me of how I skewer meat on to a kebab, the kernel of this experience is that I know in my heart this is just to prove that there is nothing sinister there; that I got to spend an unexpectedly longer time hanging out on a sofa in the waiting room with the Big Man; and a reminder that I am so grateful for my health and all the incredibly professional medical staff of the NHS keeping me that way as well as reminding me that kindness always trumps brutality!

 

 

 

How lovely. Just a lovely day.

From sunlight Sunday paper start to bedtime tumeric latte finish.

I wonder what it means when it is a Saturday night and by 9pm you are in your comfies with a platter of cheese, chutney and a bottle of wine, watching Strictly?

 

Getting old with the hint of middle age?

 

Or just that we are totally and utterly relaxed… ?

 

If I cared what other people think, I would worry it was the former.  But given that I feel so utterly free from the shackles of other people’s opinion, I am confident it is the latter.

 

Cheers to us!

 

Yesterday, I was all upside down, topsy-turvy; wearing the wrong colour – black instead of my usual bright reds, yellows, oranges or blues.

I was looking on the dark side, in the shadows, worrying about the things that may never happen.

Fear is the shadow of joy…  I can’t remember who said that, but it is true.  I was in the shadow, afraid of losing joy.

Someone else said that suffering comes from expectation.  And I was expecting all the wrong things.  They also said the way out was to move to appreciation.

So if I was upside down metaphorically yesterday, I turned myself upside down physically today to get a better perspective.  And in doing so, turned myself back the right way round.

I am wearing yellow and a smile again.

Everything is won and lost in the mind.

A week ago, I recognised my freedom from the madness of my mind being controlled by the words, thoughts, feelings, rants, judgements and images of another woman.  She had been occupying my mind for so long and just as she had been an addiction for him, she had become an addiction for me.  And just as he had weaned himself off, so had I.  And just as he became his true self again, so had I.  Without her taking residence in my cerebral cortex, with the occupation over, the battle of my mind was won over by my heart and the hard work of the heart of the Big Man.

And yet, here I am occupied again.  A different occupation.  One in my body but which has also instigated the next battle in my mind.  A hard lump of ‘dense tissue’.  And while the positive army loudly fights for the fact it is just that, the negative side is marching determinedly for the side of the inconclusive cell results.  And the longer I wait, the mind battle rages.

There are parallels that run through the two different occupations.

The same vulnerability I had a year ago sets in; I feel exposed and weak. I want to hibernate and hide. And at the same time, be distracted and live and laugh.

The self doubt, the loss of self worth, the loss of self image; who I was or am is questioned.  Just as the couple seemingly happy since their teens, suddenly exposed as clearly not, the vibrant, healthy figure, alarmingly questioned.

The feeling that I deserved it for being so ridiculously trusting, for my unconscious denial, total gullibility and ability to delude myself is the same feeling that I deserve this occupation for the fact I have held on to anger and hatred for too long.  The Dis-‘ease’ causing a ‘disease’ in my body…. That feeling again that it was all my fault.

The uncertainty, the not knowing.  That’s what kills me, just as it did before.

I have just survived the biggest mental battle of my life and I feel pissed that I haven’t even had the chance to catch my breath and enjoy the beauty of the peace and quiet before the next one threatens.

Yet deep down, I know this will all be fine.  A temporary madness and fleeting occupation.  This isn’t a trauma, it’s just a one off drama. And perhaps it is just the same emotions and parallels being re-fired up after being put to rest so recently that is causing me so much angst.

My sister in law, my dearest friend sent me a picture to help me through the last war and they serve me again this time.

Everything is won and lost in the mind.

A week ago, I recognised my freedom from the madness of my mind being controlled by the words, thoughts, feelings, rants, judgements and images of another woman.  She had been occupying my mind for so long and just as she had been an addiction for him, she had become an addiction for me.  And just as he had weaned himself off, so had I.  And just as he became his true self again, so had I.  Without her taking residence in my cerebral cortex, with the occupation over, the battle of my mind was won over by my heart and the hard work of the heart of the Big Man.

And yet, here I am occupied again.  A different occupation.  One in my body but which has also instigated the next battle in my mind.  A hard lump of ‘dense tissue’.  And while the positive army loudly fights for the fact it is just that, the negative side is marching determinedly for the side of the inconclusive cell results.  And the longer I wait, the mind battle rages.

There are parallels that run through the two different occupations.

The same vulnerability I had a year ago sets in; I feel exposed and weak. I want to hibernate and hide. And at the same time, be distracted and live and laugh.

The self doubt, the loss of self worth, the loss of self image; who I was or am is questioned.  Just as the couple seemingly happy since their teens, suddenly exposed as clearly not, the vibrant, healthy figure, alarmingly questioned.

The feeling that I deserved it for being so ridiculously trusting, for my unconscious denial, total gullibility and ability to delude myself is the same feeling that I deserve this occupation for the fact I have held on to anger and hatred for too long.  The Dis-‘ease’ causing a ‘disease’ in my body…. That feeling again that it was all my fault.

The uncertainty, the not knowing.  That’s what kills me, just as it did before.

I have just survived the biggest mental battle of my life and I feel pissed that I haven’t even had the chance to catch my breath and enjoy the beauty of the peace and quiet before the next one threatens.

Yet deep down, I know this will all be fine.  A temporary madness and fleeting occupation.  This isn’t a trauma, it’s just a one off drama. And perhaps it is just the same emotions and parallels being re-fired up after being put to rest so recently that is causing me so much angst.

My sister in law, my dearest friend sent me a picture to help me through the last war and they serve me again this time.

In her book, Light is the New Black, Rebecca Campbell says to do what ‘lights you up’.  For me, that means going back to my ‘joy list’.  And after a morning that left me totally weirded out, out of sorts, imbalanced and living in the shadow of the dark, that is exactly what I needed to do.

A flat white in my favourite coffee shop, with my book, the first step out of the dark.

Catch ups and downloads with two of my oldest besties, virtually shopping and selfie sending with one and chatting health and turmeric lattes with the other. Laughter and love tempted me further out and I felt the light beginning to touch me.

Having my first accountability coaching session with a fellow student, a new friend. Talking with someone on the same wavelength, with the same interests, passions and uncannily similar backgrounds reminded me of my own light as I saw hers shining.

Stopping at the top of a hill to admire the incredible views in all directions and getting the car stuck in the mud.  I was standing in the light.

Living in the light, doing what ‘lights you up’, I believe is living your purpose, being your authentic self.  The steps I took out of my dark morning, took me back to that.  And I spent the afternoon doing one of activities on the top of my joy list – being a sideline Mum, cheering on my talented son and the rest of his top notch teammates!

When something or some things are bothering me, I bake.  And while I was baking our favourite banana and cinnamon loaf, I heard these words and I cried.

“Gratitude is a celebration of love…. And life….  We don’t die from death, but from fully ripened love.”

 

I cried.  I think at their beauty…. But also because it helped loosen a knot, or the knots of my current worry.

As I write, the mixer is buzzing to the tempo of my tears.  Slowly, methodically and rhythmically.

I am watching Oprah interview the Benedictine Monk, David Steidl on his book ‘Gratefulness’.

“Trust life!”  He advises.

And so, I will respond to the events of today with trust.

I trust that my mind was just playing little tricks by giving me a bad dream, not as a horrible reminder of that awful day but that I survived it.  And by trusting life, trusting the journey, living through the crisis, understanding the meaning and trusting in our vision, I am living a better life and a better version of me.

I trust that my little man will be ok; I trust that the unsettling incident at school that ended with the Deputy Head ringing to apologise is a learning lesson for all involved.  I trust my intuition as a mother and will ask the right questions and do the right things by him.  And I trust him.

I trust my friend as she refers to me to a colleague to review my inconclusive results… and perform a biopsy with bigger needles and anaesthetic.  I trust that life will continue to throw curve balls at me, big and small, so that I can continue to live in a state of gratitude and gratefulness and let love ripen me, rather than fear shrivel me.

In the meantime, I fear I am over-beating my cake and a cake full of tears never tastes as good as one made with love..  so I am drying my eyes and trusting life.  And life with cake in it, is always good.