There are always dates that stick in my memory… good… and bad.  Today was not a good one.

 

But I have learnt so much recently about resentment, blame and finally forgiveness and I feel I have come a long way.

 

One of my favourite enlightened authors, Dr Wayne Dyer taught me how to forgive through his words on resentment and blame, feelings which only harm you more and deepen your despair.  He says ‘the snake bite doesn’t kill you, it is the poison that flows through your veins that destroys you’.

 

The antidote to the poison is forgiveness… think of it as giving peace to yourself.  He explains that after someone or some people have hurt you, what you carry around is just the feeling;  the thoughts of anger, hatred and resentment can slowly disempower you.  By releasing them, you can know peace.

 

He has a 15 step process to forgiveness which I have learnt to practice.  Sometimes it is easy, sometimes less so.  After the death of Mum, many old emotions related to old events were drawn to the surface and mixed in to the melting pot of grief.  Grief for her loss, grief for the loss of trust, loss of authentic friendships.

 

One of the steps is to ‘learn to let go and be like water’… and that is very much in the same vein as Marrianne Williamson’s words from the other day – ‘soften’…

 

I can feel a softening of my prickles, my hardness, harshness…

 

I have learnt that holding on to resentment and anger will continue to thrive the more attention, fire and fuel I give them, making them more and more toxic…   I know from experience, that it is often harder to let those feelings go, and easier to keep hold of them.  It takes strength and courage to do the right thing.

 

Wayne, like Marrianne, talks about ending the pain with acts of kindness and love… and ultimately forgiveness.

 

So today, on a date that always stirs up difficult emotions, I took responsibility on how to respond and filled it with love.

 

Love for things that I love…

 

The love of having the Big Man home.. waking up to being next to him, being able to cuddle into him before the sound of the alarm, in the soft light of the morning.

 

The love of time I am able to spend with my boys over a relaxed breakfast, time reading to them from their favourite book of the moment by David Wallliams about Grandpa over tea…

 

The love of spending a day shopping with my biggest boy, loving seeing him growing up.

 

The love of cooking, spending time to cook good nutritious food for my family to keep them healthy.

 

The love of having my own business, researching and listening to how to be an entrepreneur, learning about health, toxins and how to help and serve others.

 

The love of exercise, a crazy RPM class, the first since Mum died and the love / hate feelings of burning lungs and legs and sweat in your hair.

 

The love of journaling, blogging, writing and emptying my head at the end of the day.

 

Well I am feeling very middle aged!  I know my age signifies that I am… but I don’t feel it the majority of the time…

 

I actually gardened again… After all the rain, the dead lavender bushes didn’t put up so much of a fight this time…   (I knew there would be a good reason for rain on a bank holiday…)

 

So I thought I would try the weeding that I have previously always resisted and put up a fight for.  James even brought his parents round to show them!  They all stood there with their cups of tea in disbelief.  It has only taken 10 years… (I have the crying with laughter emoji going on in my head… )

 

It turns out weeding isn’t that bad.  And all I could hear in my mind were my thoughts of one of my favourite topics.. mental gardening and how it is so similar.

 

The weeds I pulled out were like carpets… lots of it… growing amongst all the Christmas Roses, grasses and lavender.  They were tough… and so intertwined… choking all the good plants and pretty flowers.  And because they were so many, so dense, they were really tough to get out!  I had to use tools as well as brute force to pull them out, get the whole root out.

 

It is a lot like mental gardening.  If you don’t get that first weed, that first negative thought, they go to seed… and they soon grow thick and fast, wrapping themselves around and killing all the good, positive thoughts and shoots.

 

You can snap off the bits that show, the green bit of the weed showing above the surface and everything looks ok… but it will soon grow back.  To get rid of it entirely, to let the good shoots have a chance breath and grow again, you have to dig deep and get to the roots, pull that out.  And that is the tough bit.

 

But once you have it, and it is out and ready to be tossed in the barrow, it is a great feeling!  Liberating, satisfying..

 

It seems a miracle has occurred.  I actually quite like weeding.  Not something I will admit to the Big Man or my parents in law…

 

“A miracle is shift in perception, from fear to love”, Marrianne Williamson.

 

I no longer fear weeding as being a dull and boring job, but have learnt to love weeding as time for reflection, a way to feel productive and satisfied.

 

It’s always a privilege to be asked to train the nation!

 

So while I was preparing, I got out a few of my favourite books to include some key quotes.

 

The one that hit home today was from Marrianne Williamson’s ‘Return to Love’… It’s from her chapter on Surrender, where she talks about how we have created a ‘fight mentality’.. how we are all fighting for something – a job, money, relationship, to lose weight, etc etc.

 

It’s true… I feel it.  A battle in my head… a fight to be happier, better, back to normal.  A fight to make sure everyone is happy, on time, to please everyone!

 

Her words are soothing..  allow yourself ‘mental surrender’.  Surrender, I have always seen as showing signs of giving up.. as weak.  But she says this is not so.

 

“When we stop trying to control events, they fall into a natural order, an order that works.”

 

Those words bring just so much relief.  Allow myself to let go.  Stop the fight and relinquish events to the universe.

 

Relax.

 

In fact she says just that…

 

“To relax, to feel the love in your heart and keep to that as your focus in every situation – that is the meaning of spiritual surrender……..Something amazing happens when we surrender and just love.  We melt into another world, a realm of power already within us.  The world changes when we change.  The world softens when we soften.  The world loves us when we choose to love the world”…

 

I don’t think I can add to that.  I just need to do it.

 

 

 

 

 

I love a kids movie!  A good one…..   One with a moral or a message.

 

Today, after a bike ride, a scooter park play, family lunch, a trip to the shops to kit out the littlest boy who seems to be growing like he sleeps in miracle gro…. We armed ourselves with sweet treats and settled in our seats for ‘Zootropolis’.

 

Just like the last movie about the young dinosaur, the messages felt like they were personal written for me!

 

The main character, a young rabbit who dreams of being a police officer, keeper of the peace, to serve and protect in Zootropolis.  She is consistently told by others, including those closest to her, that she is a ‘dumb bunny’ and her future is destined for carrot farming.  Being a police officer is not for her, it is too dangerous, she is too small, not clever enough…

 

But her dream is set in stone.  She knows what she wants.

 

In her training, her colleagues, competitors are far bigger, far more experienced than she is… but she does not let that deter her.  Each time she fails a course, a task, she gets back up and does it again and again.  Each time she is too small to face the obstacles, she finds another way to get round them.

 

The message clear, to be a warrior, never give up, get back up, learn from each knock down and keep going.

 

And of course, she graduates top of her class.  She is proud.  She is excited to be put to work and live her dream in reality.

 

Only to find that she is up against even more obstacles in the real world.  Even more preconceived ideas about her ability to be a good cop, because she is small, doesn’t fit the ‘type’… and no one is willing to see past the label of ‘dumb little bunny’.  Instead of serving and protecting, she is given parking duty and told to get 100 tickets.

 

And here is the message of the importance of attitude.

 

Rather than be disheartened.  She tells herself ‘I won’t do 100 tickets….. I am going to do 200 tickets.  Before lunch’.

 

She uses their negativity, their disbelief in her, to fuel her fire.  And she fights, with a fighter’s attitude, she gets her name known and is handed a real case.

 

Inevitably, when the continual battle to prove herself finally gets her down, and she loses faith in herself, loses sight of her dream, she heads home to the carrot farm, back to her comfort zone.

 

It may look like failure on the outside, but to me it was rest.  A way to get perspective.  An uncluttering of her mind and breaking free of others perceptions.

 

So the final message is one of courage.

 

She was brave enough to change her mind.  The break gave her time and strength to realise her mistake… her mistake to let go of her dream, her destiny…

 

… messages.  Clearly for me.
And now I had better don my bunny suit and get hiding those eggs!

 

Amazing what a little bit of sunshine does.  Spreading its light and warmth.  Sharing its energy and life.  Drawing you out of the gloom and in to the sun.

 

I am not a gardener.  Not in any way.  The Big Man calls me ‘brown fingers’ as I kill most living plant life… and relegated to weeding duties only.

 

But today, I was promoted to digging!

 

My task today was to thin out the lavender bushes along the path that have grown too big, suffocating each other.  I thought it would be a quick and easy job, but no, they are stubborn little bushes….

 

The heaving, forking, heaving, teasing and pulling was actually very cathartic.  My focus and attention directed at the dead plants.  My inner anger fuelling my strength.  Definitely cathartic.

 

My scratches representing small battles won.

 

And very satisfying.  My empty beds.  Ready for fresh new growth.

 

Maybe I will be promoted to planting!?

 

 

Willy has just grabbed his full bowl of chocolates from the egg hunt yesterday and eaten all bar 4!  Rushing through gobbling them all so I couldn’t stop him…..  He is now grabbing his tummy and saying he feels sick… he feels ill!

 

I did try to warn him!  But he didn’t listen.

 

There are parallels in everything.

 

I mentioned to my counsellor today that I felt angry still, on edge, still frustrated… annoyed..  I want to get on.  Find my spark.  Get my sparkle on… laugh like I mean it, rather than fake it.

 

Her reply was simple.

 

‘Grief is an inconvenience, isn’t it?’.

 

Yes.

 

As much as I cling on to and focus on my life lines – my boys, my family, all my gratitudes, my running, my pilates and meditation… it still feels like someone has pulled the plug and the force of gravity is pulling me down.

 

So what do you do?

 

Let go of the lifelines and just let go?  And pick yourself up at the bottom?

 

Or hang on to those life lines, keep pulling yourself up against the tidal waves… and wait until all the water has drained away?

 

I ask myself… What’s the quickest way through grief?

 

And then I see Willy rushing through eating all his chocolate… and feeling ill.

 

I can rush through this period and do what some people keep telling me:   to move on, your Mum is in a better place.

But it is making me feel ill.  Exhausted with the mental battle.

 

I lost my mum.  I am still haunted by images and sounds of the last week of her life. She may have had Alzheimer’s, but she is still gone too soon.

A bit like gobbled chocolates… gone too soon. Leaving you wanting more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Easter trail.  An Easter Service.  An Easter Egg hunt…

 

An Easter trail culminating in a large Easter bunny handing out chocolates signified the end of term for Tom.  And we are both ready.  Ready for some lie ins.  Ready for some down time.  Ready for cuddles on the sofa, walks by the river, cycle rides and whatever takes his fancy.

 

An Easter Service for Willy… the story of Easter answering Willy’s question the other day ‘Mummy, why is it called Good Friday, when bad things happened?’….   The story of Easter shows us that sometimes unpleasantness and even endings need to happen for new beginnings to be able to uncurl.. for miracles to show us the light for a new direction.

 

An Easter egg hunt… a surprise for the boys to see Hannah and even more of a surprise to find chocolate eggs in the park!  Her presence in our house always bringing a ray of sunshine… and if it brings chocolate, then all the merrier for us all!  And a hunt.. always a good lesson to strive for what you are looking for, turning over every fallen leaf, checking behind every tree stump until you find your prize.

 

Faith.  Regardless of denomination, faith is a good to have in your life to teach the important lessons and morals needed to lead a good life.

 

Faith mixed with fun, well that’s just a match made in heaven.

 

Sometimes life feels like a dance.  2 steps forward, 1 step back, side step one way and then the other, spin on your toes, bob a curtsy and nod a bow.

 

I have no idea where I am… yesterday felt like a leap… an exciting lift!  Progress mentally, emotionally… today, I am not sure whether I am going backwards or spinning on the spot.

 

Sometimes life feels like a dance.  An elegant waltz, a regimented foxtrot, lightening speed quick step, lusty tango or raunchy rumba… my favourite the American smooth..

 

I definitely feel like I am doing a quick step… and wish I could slow to a dreamy waltz or even a methodical foxtrot.

 

Wherever I wake up each day, I set out to listen for the music… select the appropriate costume… take a deep breath… and learn to dance.

 

Bring on the sequins.

 

 

 

So enough about the family sandwich…!

 

Today I had a little time to think about me… and my other sandwich.  The career sandwich.  Once you have been self employed, once you have spent real quality time with your children, there really is no going back to an extreme, corporate powered job.   Well not for this mummy anyway.  I’ve seen first hand the effect on my health, my family, my marriage…

 

And it is about balance, but finding the right balance… the right for your bank balance – dropping from two corporate incomes to one can be a shock…  the right balance for your health and mental stimulation… again going from high octane, high stress to ‘simple’ childcare and housekeeping can also be a shock…. and stressful but in a different way!

 

I read a great book by Dr Ro ‘Turning point’ and heard him speak in a full day conference.  I loved his chapter and coaching on working out your values… what makes you tick, what makes your heart sing… what makes you, your authentic you.  Not what people think you are or should be, but you.  I did the exercise with my coach.  It was interesting.  In my previous life, it was money, title, leadership, recognition, ambition.  Now it is totally different…. Love, fun and laughter, integrity, honesty, purity all play a bigger part.  That’s not to say I have lost the other values, but they are less of a priority.

 

So… what am I going to do… know that I know what I am?

 

I am going for the scatter gun approach. I have determined what other ‘work’ or a ‘job’ would look like for me, without sacrificing my family or my business… and now I am venturing out to see what is out there, other than IT transformation, digital platform creation and consulting.

 

I love helping people with my health and wellness business, I love educating people on toxin awareness and coaching them on how they can make small changes to great success.  So I have spoken to a couple of nutritionists, health coaches to find out what I would need to do to take that further.  Interesting.

 

I love helping people in my health and wellness business who do the same as I do, building an online franchise and coaching them to build a stronger business by having a stronger mindset.  So I have spoken to a couple of coaches to find out what it would take to do more of that on a qualified basis.  Again, interesting..

 

I love blogging and writing… so I have spoken to the local magazine to see how I could be part of their team, write formally, expand and grow their online presence and generate more income.  Exciting!

 

I love mentoring and coaching and working with young children…. So I have spoken to the leaders of the programme to see how I can help them on a more formal basis… and today I applied to go and work in the careers department of York university and share my 20 years of real life experience in many companies, building my own business, running a home and having a family….

 

I do want it all.  I do believe I can have it all.  Family first, love my job… have multiple streams of income and contribute to the family pot, without stress and exhaustion.

 

So universe.  It’s up to you!  It is in your hands!  Thank you!

 

What could be better than a Super Sunday?!
Snoozing through a hangover.. 
Sharing the Sunday times in paper format over croissants and fridge cold apricot jam…
Second breakfasts of bacon and eggs..
Sunshine cruising along the beautiful Yorkshire valleys in a Porsche classic…
Standing as Kings of the Castle, admiring the views atop Armscliffe Cragg….
Sunday cinema in the snug with blankets popcorn and giant buttons…
Snoring through the last of the remnants of that Sunday hangover….