Today I acted like a small child. .  I wanted something… and couldn’t have it. I could feel the feeling brewing… and I really struggled to repress the childish behaviour.

 

Awful.  I did not like the feeling.

 

I had to distract myself.  Took myself away from the situation and escorted Willy to buy the ingredients for his school ‘Bake off Cake’.  His innocence and excitement for his design bringing joy back into my head and heart rather than disgust.

 

He also taught me a lesson.  He had brought his wallet, stuffed with all his pocket money and birthday money that he has been saving for several months.

 

He taught me patience.  I can have what I want.  I just need to apply the simple, childlike logic – to save up my pennies.  The longer the wait, the sweeter the delight.

 

Yesterday I bought a new dress. No biggie normally.  Or not historically.  But it really is just another reflection of the lightening of my mood and mindset.  I hadn’t bought a dress or anything other than plain safe jeans or gym leggings for 10 months.. potentially much longer.

 

The dress is from Topshop.  It’s a silly small size 6.  At the ripe age of 40+, I really didn’t think I would be saying that a I would be wearing a dress from the shop of the youth and that it would fit like a glove.

 

I didn’t buy it for any specific reason or event in mind.  But all of a sudden the perfect events are appearing in my calendar.  It’s a bit like my favourite saying of the moment… ‘Leap and the net will appear’… instead – ‘buy… and the event will appear!’.

 

The dress will remind me of a this turning point.  The transition from life being sad and difficult to being fun and easy!

 

Life is easy!  And to coin a phrase from one of my heroes and leaders in the business and industry I am in “every cell of my body resonates with energy and health!”…

 

Life is good!  And I feel good in the dress.

 

And if I want to stay in the dress, I should probably stop eating the matchmakers I just found in the back of the fridge leftover from last weekends dinner party!

 

 

I am one glass of red wine down, considering pouring myself another.  And I can feel it melting down through my body to my legs.  It is such a lovely feeling – the releasing of all the little muscles, my eyelids feeling heavy.

 

Another jam packed day of loveliness;  pancakes with the Big Man at our weekly breakfast date;  teaching a wonderful class on how gender has no bearing on your career or job; tea in pretty tea cups surrounded by healing ‘mumbo-like’ kingfishers with one of my favourite people; a productive, satisfying power hour of work;  cake with a couple of good friends;  a touch of retail therapy; and the icing on the cake my boys happy and tired ….

 

And yet the loveliness of the day was tinged with a strange undertone of sadness. No idea where that has come from, or maybe I do… but with the wine, I can feel it flowing through my body and out of my toes.

 

Today as I talked with my friend about the elusive ‘work life balance’, we both had visuals on how we strived towards finding it.  She had a pendulum balance, knowing she needed a bit of the dark side (rebellion, lack of structure) and the light side (spirituality, calm) to feed each other.    I had the vision of my 5 balls in the air – my family, my Big Man, my health, my business, my writing/me time.  I feel in balance an in flow, if the balls are all rotating through my hands and each ball gets the same amount of touch time. I am put of balance if one hand is focussing on one ball and the other is juggling the remaining 4.

 

Tonight it feels like it is time to put down all the balls.  My arms and hands are tired. Even my subconscious is tired.

 

I think it’s time to pour another to speed it along it’s way.

 

 

 

 

 

Ah… time for my daily reflections.  Sometimes, there is so much flying around in my head I don’t know where to start… and sometimes, there is nothing.  I love both type of days just as much.  It strongly believe it is good for the brain to do the ‘sorting’… to really hone in what the important bits were in the day if there was a lot… and to really find the good bits in a day where there isn’t much to say.

 

For a daughter in a line of mother’s with Alzheimer’s, this reflection and journaling of exercising the brain is important.  Not only to keep stimulating the grey matter, but one of the biggest findings at the moment in studies of early onset Alzheimers is that sleep plays a huge and key factor.

 

Since I have started journaling and blogging daily, reflecting and sorting, my sleep patterns have improved;  I sleep far more deeply and drop off to sleep far more easily.  I get stuff off my chest so I don’t lie staring at the ceiling like I used to.  I focus on the good things, happy times, rather than the niggly negative bits and I fall asleep with a smile on my face.

 

Today is a day with a lot of thoughts.  But I have whittled down to two to reflect on..

 

A phrase I read in the ‘slight edge’ by Jeff Olsen:  it is a choice to take the path to success or the path to failure.. and the key is in the small daily choices, habits we make daily.  Over time they compound to take you in one or the other direction.   And today I explained this in 2 situations – one with regards to health and one with regards to wealth.

 

And that lead me to one of my favourite sayings of all time – if you do what you love, you will never work another day.

 

I love being a Mum.

I love being a coach and mentor.

I love helping people to make healthy choices.

I love helping start and grow their business.

I love writing.

 

I am feeling very grateful, lucky and ready to sleep a very deep sleep.

 

When someone tells you they don’t like you, it stings.  No body likes to not be liked.  I get upset by it because I always feel like I go out of my way to be liked, to do as much as I can for everyone.  The Big Man says, I always take things too personally..

 

If I take his advice and not take it personally, then I do then realise that the ‘not liking me’ isn’t really the real reason behind the not liking, it is usually a front or the tip of the ice berg for something else, in most cases, not related to me at all.  I just happened to be or say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

 

The people who tell me they don’t like me the most are my little boys.  In fact, tonight, one of them hated me and told me I was the worst mother EVER.

 

Tonight’s ‘I don’t like you’ still stung, because I love them so much and hearing those words make me sad.  But tonight, I know it is because they are both super duper tired from so much rugby today, compounded with the fact that it is nearly half term,  that as I asked them to turn off the tv and go up to bed, I shocked them out of their sleepy slumber on the sofa.

 

The only way to cancel out the dislike is to reflect back with affection and calm.  So as I bundle and chivvy them up to bed, they still prickle and bristle, but I tousle their hair and tickle their little tummies and smother them with kisses to make them giggle…. And they soften, their arms circle my neck and both whisper ‘I’m sorry, Mummy, I like you really’… as they close their eyes and drift off to sleep.

 

I wish it were that simple with bigger people too.

 

 

I heard two brilliant quotes today.  I have written them down and added them to my little pile of inspirational quotes I flip over daily.

 

‘If you find yourself having run out of goals, then you are being purely selfish; start thinking about how you can help others in the world.’

 

This was in response to another quote by Anne Frank, ‘How wonderful is it that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.’

 

The conversation sent a little frisson of a shiver down my spine.

 

It was the realisation of how simple those words are and how they resonate such truth.

 

With Dobby the critic in my mind reminding me that I am living a more than comfortable life and then questioning why I work so hard, strive to have, do, be more, when I could just relax and coast…  this just arms my cheer leading Snow White with the biggest gun power to blow that to smithereens.

 

If I am content as I am, not bothered about creating more, being or doing more for myself, then do it, be it or create it for someone else who isn’t or can’t.

 

The discussion was around Haiti and the hundreds of people affected not only by long term poverty, but now by acts of God that destroy the very little they do have – taking their homes and their families.

 

It opens up the realms of possibility and of what one person can do, if they decide, as Anne Frank so eloquently writes, and start thinking of how they can help to improve the world.
 

 

 

 

I love it when another Super Sunday manifests itself!

 

Super Sundays are bacon and eggs in the sunshine and pj’s and Grandpa arriving for an espresso..

 

Super Sundays are wardrobe cleansing while your little man reads his book to you.

 

Super Sundays are autumnal runs, sprints, woodland scrambles and step runs and kissing gate cuddles.

 

Super Sundays are fridge clearance leftover lunches and teaching Willy draughts.

 

Super Sundays are for exploring, for dreaming and being a family.

 

Super Sundays are Granny’s delicious Sunday roasts and very chocolatey profiteroles.

 

Super Sundays are name taping socks, games bag readiness and early nights.

 

Super Sundays are the set up and foundation of super Monday, Tuesday…. Super weeks!

My gorgeous sister in law gave me a beautiful dinner party book for a present, several years ago now.  It is black leather with embossed gold writing.  For any evenings where we entertain in the dining room, the details go in the book;  from the date, the menu, the flowers, the conversation and the seating plan.  I love it.  All part of my ‘tracking’ habit and love of documenting life and events.

 

As I opened the book this morning to write down the details of the small gathering we had last night, I noticed with surprise that the last time we entertained on the ‘wedding crockery’ was back at the beginning of March.

 

Perhaps the 7 months drought of entertaining was partly due to the summer months, but historically that hasn’t stopped us.

 

I realise it is just another reflection of my state of mind and how much grief and sadness has affected me.  It is good to know that I feel like cooking, organising and planning, socialising and having people in our home again.

 

Good to know! And my mini meringues went down a big treat… !

When I picked Willy up from after school club today, they were watching one of my favourite films – ‘Inside Out’…  Such a great message to give children in such a clever, clever, original way.

 

So on the way home (after our favourite bits!), I asked both Tom and Willy, which of the characters from the film were they.

 

Tom – immediately – ‘I would be the yellow one – joy!  Although a boy version of joy.’  He was so excited about telling me all the rules and tricks of how to be safe in a scrum.  He was in his element.

 

‘What would you be Mummy?’  I asked them to guess…. ‘Joy!’  Of course!  I love that they recognise that in me.

 

And Willy.  He was more considered.  ‘I would be the blue one.’  Tom did not understand that.  ‘The sad one??  How come?’

 

‘Because I am lonely.  And sometimes maybe the purple one.’  Fear.

 

Oh my little man.  My sons’ completely different natures always intrigue me.

 

We asked Willy lots of questions about why he would be blue and purple, sad and frightened.  The loneliness came from not having many friends yet in his new school.  But he is ok with it… he likes being and working alone.  And the fear came from Tom being mean to him and Daddy when he was angry at breaking his remote control car.

 

His honesty melts my heart.

 

We asked if he was ever yellow and happy.  ‘Not very much, but maybe when I watch my dirtbike movies.  But I am quite happy being blue and purple, Mum.’

 

My mission is to bring out his joy, his own version of his joy.  Or at least help him to choose ‘joy’ as his dominant emotion.

 

But it did make me think.  The different feelings we have in our mind, just like in ‘Inside Out’ – joy, sadness, fear, disgust and anger – it is our choice to decide which one is the most present.  And Willy is quite happy just being blue and purple, until he decides he wants to be yellow.

 

A bit like how I felt earlier this year.  I was happy being in my blue sad space after Mumbo died…. sometimes a little red with anger.  But I feel so much better being in my natural state of yellow!

 

I am joy!  I had such a fun day!

My biggest thought for today was a word or two that the kids in the class I mentor on a Thursday morning didn’t know… or couldn’t guess..

 

We were talking about role models and the importance they can play when thinking about what you want to do or be.  We were encouraging the kids to think about values and behaviours of some of their role models… What do Usain Bolt, Bradley Wiggins, The Brownlee Brothers, Ellie Simmonds and Christian Benteke all have in common…?

 

Other than being sporty or having skills… or being ‘nice’!

 

It was the ‘D’ word… or many ‘D’ words… determination, discipline and dedication…

 

If they wanted to be the best footballer, swimmer, runner… how often did they think these incredible athletes trained?  And what did they think they would do if it was raining and cold – would they get up early and go and swim / run / kick a ball.. or would they go back to the X-box?

 

It takes the D’s…  dedication and discipline.

 

Apply those words to whatever you want in life, apply it consistently over time and you will surely get it.  Dedicate your time and discipline yourself to achieve daily goals,  taking daily action to getting towards your goal.

 

In the last 3 years or so, I have been pretty dedicated and disciplined when it comes to health – taking exercise and eating well.

 

When I was working for someone else, I was still a pretty dedicated and disciplined employee.

 

But as my own boss… in all honesty, have I been?  With some big life events, my daily disciplines and dedication slipped…. Or maybe my standards did?

 

Today’s lesson was a good reminder that I am my own boss and I have to encourage myself to be dedicated and disciplined for the good of my business.  I have to be my own boss and cheer myself on, but also not let myself off the hook.

 

A bit like I do when it comes to my job as a Mum to the boys… I can’t just not go and pick them up, let them walk home, feed themselves, if I don’t feel like it, or if my favourite tv show is on, or it’s raining.

 

I still love my little picture of the 3E’s and the values to live by – Energy, Empathy and Enthusiam…

 

Today’s lesson reminded me that I need to mix in the 3D’s – Discipline, Dedication and Determination.