At the close of today, the end of the day, the weekend and week, there isn't much in my head to let go through journaling… My mind not necessarily empty, but comfortably overwhelmed by the love and gratitude overflowing from my heart from a weekend full of entertaining friends who love and support us as individuals, a couple and a family. It such a warming and welcome feeling and I know more than ever that the decisions I have made in the toughest of times have been the right ones.

And that is because I followed my heart, letting it overwhelm and rule my head, choosing love over fear and love over hate.

This evening, I am in the pink room… the light in here is lovely pretty much all day.  I don’t really like the germaline colour but it feels warm and there is always a pretty gold glow from the dual aspect windows.  And that is how I feel … warm and glowy inside.

 

I am, we are, typically very sociable people, like having people around us, love entertaining and being entertained.  But the last 9 months have seen us dive into solitude, squirrel ourselves away, shy away from any big social events; for me in particular because I can’t bear the ‘gaze’ or the ‘knowing looks’ or scrutiny on how we will be or act with each other and with others.

 

I know I probably shouldn’t give a f*ck… as my book says.  But this is a gut instinct survival mode.  One I couldn’t deny or hide from.

 

It has only been more recently, perhaps even recent days, I have missed friends, social engagements.  I am not sure I am ready for the big ones, but small gatherings I would quite like.  So this weekend, we flung open our doors and offered up open house and today we have had a lovely stream of friends kind enough to take up the invite, the time to come and visit.

 

And so that is why, I am feeling warm and pink and glowy.  Good friends do that to you.  And we have more coming tomorrow and that makes me really happy.  Happy to know they are comfortable to come and be in our presence, and we are comfortable enough for people to come and judge us, see for themselves how we are and what we have created.  Judging may be a harsh word, but even good friends form opinions, have discussions at pillow time… but perhaps it is now and only now, that I am strong enough not to worry about what those whispered thoughts are.

 

Because I am warm and glowy and I just don’t care.  And I am in my pink, germaline room and I still have friends, despite everything.

 

 

 

Earlier today, I felt guilty… oh that awful mother guilt, when you feel ‘free’.  After 3 weeks of intense round the clock childcare, I decided I needed a day.  I needed a day free of nerf war, ‘get off the i-pad arguments’, brother fight refereeing and lunch negotiations.

 

Does the guilt ever leave you?

 

As I pruned the roses and stripped back the dead lillies and tended to my beautiful garden, I mentally gardened too.  I got rid of the dead thoughts that didn’t serve me, and let my thoughts float through my mind and felt the guilt fade…

 

As I drank a hot cup of tea, and spoke to architects and plumbers, decorators and continued checking off my list, the house felt so, so, so quiet.  No laughter, no singing, no secret whispers.

 

With the piles of holiday laundry diminished and bed sheet change overs completed, I felt very small in the basement utility room and a little lonely.

 

And then all of a sudden, the house was full and vibrant as the boys came home, full of energy and excitement, Perdi, the dog danced to see her favourite people and the Big Man walked in the door with the last member of our family, Percy.  Small and scared, he nestled in to the crook of my arm and clung to me as I showed him around his new home and mousing ground.

 

The only thing to bring him out from behind the fridge, has been the crazy Friday night dancing around our kitchen island and my guilt dissipates.  A day to myself didn’t hurt anyone.   And like my physical gardening, my mental gardening has left me with just a basket full full of beautiful blooms to share with the household.

 

 

 

I can now look at yesterday as just a bad day.  Just a bad day.  A bad day amidst a lot of good ones.  Not so long ago it felt like every day was a bad day.  So yes, I can look at yesterday as a bad day and a reminder of how far I have come since 22^nd October 2016.

 

Today was a good day; while yesterday plunged me unwittingly in to the dark of the past, today catapulted me back to the current and our future plans.  And my future plans specifically, as we signed on the dotted line and I take on a new role, to complete my new identity as a virgin property developer.

 

Good days.  Bad days.   The balance is tipping in favour of the positive and I can see how we have turned a terrible thing, a challenging, disappointing time and originally seemingly catastrophe into an opportunity to reshape and renew our lives so that we sit and marvel at each other and our surroundings with big smiles across the old family kitchen table.

 

……  and a tiny little small voice asks, wonders and perhaps even hopes that the third party in all of this has managed to do the same and find the light too.

 

I can now look at yesterday as just a bad day.  Just a bad day.  A bad day amidst a lot of good ones.  Not so long ago it felt like every day was a bad day.  So yes, I can look at yesterday as a bad day and a reminder of how far I have come since 22^nd October 2016.

 

Today was a good day; while yesterday plunged me unwittingly in to the dark of the past, today catapulted me back to the current and our future plans.  And my future plans specifically, as we signed on the dotted line and I take on a new role, to complete my new identity as a virgin property developer.

 

Good days.  Bad days.   The balance is tipping in favour of the positive and I can see how we have turned a terrible thing, a challenging, disappointing time and originally seemingly catastrophe into an opportunity to reshape and renew our lives so that we sit and marvel at each other and our surroundings with big smiles across the old family kitchen table.

 

……  and a tiny little small voice asks, wonders and perhaps even hopes that the third party in all of this has managed to do the same and find the light too.

 

'Your thoughts and beliefs of the past have created this moment, and all the moments up to this moment. What you are now choosing to believe and think and say will create the next moment and the next day and the next month and the next year' – a rather apt quote from Louise Hay that pinged into my inbox at precisely the right moment that I needed it.

I am angry at myself for my reaction.
I am angry at him.
I am angry at everyone, everything
… for just as Louise says, your thoughts and beliefs create this very moment you are in. And I have had such good control of my thoughts and beliefs of the current moment until right now.

But is it anger?
Or is it disappointment? Or frustration.

I am too tired to even be able to rationalise any of my thoughts and feelings that have been dragged back to the fore.

Why do the mechanics and the turning wheels of fate, coincidence or circumstance rip out the plug of my excitement to come home and find love and embrace in the cool of our home? A chance decision to review and delete my iPhone notes…. only to find they have synchronised between the two of us and again I find details of that I already know, but have chosen to lock away as they no longer serve me now or my future.

My cruel words rather than tenderness because of my inner turmoil and anger, or frustration or disappointment at myself, him, her and the world. And in turn, he reflects the same feelings but towards himself…

So while I welcome the cool of the north after the heatwave of the islands, I didn't expect it or me to be this cool and Elsa frosty. The only thing to do is curl up under my duvet, shut out the light and rest my mind and my head and hope the warmth of my heart prevails again tomorrow and "let it go".

I was worried that coming away so soon after the big move was not a good thing; that I should have stayed at home and unpacked more boxes, sorted sky, wifi and kids clubs.

But as I lie, as has become customary each evening, under the stars, I realise it was the best decision. The knots in my back are gone, no sign of a headache and I feel relaxed for the first time in an incredibly long time.

The further along the holiday, the more relaxed we have become and the days have merged into one; lazy breakfast, quick swims, a sail to a beautiful bay, a swim, a lunch that my mother in law and I have nailed to a tee to prepare, a snooze, a swim, a sail, a swim, 6 o'clock sundowners and nibbles, a hose down al fresco and local simple tavern supper and house wine….. while the boys settle below, we take tea above board, with a square of chocolate and a sip of metaxa … and as I cool off under the stars, listening to gentle Greek tunes and tapping of the waves, I know my last and final part of my daily routine is to pick up Willy who has decided the coolest and comfiest place to sleep is in the middle of the boat on the rug that sums up the holiday….

"Fun, sun, sea and love."

I read a beautiful quote today "do you rejoice that the thorn bushes have roses or complain that the rose bushes have thorns?"

Everything in life revolves around perspective. What do you see?

I have been so sad my Mumbo didn't see my boys grow up to be the handsome, blond bomb shells of gorgeousness that they are… she may have become a painful thorn in my side but i have chosen to see that as a reminder that the boys still have 3 grandparents, 4 really with the wonderful addition of Grannie Edna, to witness their wonderfulness.

And also for the boys to benefit from their wonderfulness too!

My legendary Dad always has gifts for the boys that tell a story of their roots, their history from pens and paper, medals, photos and treasures, the most precious of which is his time and attention, and the example of generosity.

And today, this week, as so many that have preceded, more generosity from the 2 grandparents they are so lucky to see so frequently. They have the time and patience to teach them important skills, today's were contribution to family life (washing up), tying bowline knots, and dancing on the tables like you just don't care to 'hey Macarena and sex bomb'!!!

Roses and thorns grow on the same branches, both contribute to the greater good, if that's the way you choose to see it.

And thorns ultimately protect the rose.

And then there were 5….

As the big man jets home to a cool and rainy England, we have a few more days to savour the jewels of the Greek isles…. bobbing on a Tasmanian Devil for Willy, bombing off the side at any opportunity for Tom and for me to continue losing myself in fiction and all the while enjoying the rustic nature of the terrain, sea, hospitality and interesting characters we berth alongside each evening.

Tonight we chat to a couple who have sold up, bought a boat and are sailing for the summer months, to live life and savour every moment of it. At one point in the last 9 months, I did consider ditching our current life for a completely different one, a liberating one, a non-conformist one…. but perhaps, there isn't enough of a free spirit in me.

Severing ties with a lot of our 'old life' or 'our first marriage' felt enough and still does. Perhaps when I, we, feel more established more will be released, like the casting off of the shore lines, leaving just the anchor to hold us steady until we are ready to find a new bay to settle in. Right now, looking down from above the Mortimer ship looks stable, no longer threatened by storms and the adventure of the deep blue calm but unknown water surrounds us, enticing us to cast off.

The night was so still, airless and I woke suffocated by the heat in our berth so I found myself lying on deck stargazing, listening to the snores of others along the jetty, giggling to the infectious laughter returning party and wondering at my thoughts in between fish splashes and cat calls. On an island in Fiji in 1999 I remember a similar brightly lit starry night and wishing upon shooting stars and drinking woody, muddy, intoxicating kava from wooden bowls. I remember what I wished for then… but I wondered what I would wish for now…

In some ways I was at a loss, other than wishing for sleep… I recollected the dark chest on the otherside of the mountain, deep beneath the waves that once engulfed my happiness and wondered if I should wish that away? But thought it a waste of a wish, for the recollection of the box just reminded me of how far I, we, all of us have come, how much stronger and happier we are, despite the healing scars and the sometimes raw and painful memories.

Strangely I found it hard to wish for myself, something in my early 20's that I had no problem doing, wishing on firework of shooting stars all for myself, my future, materialistic and prescriptive. It was far easier and more satisfying as I lay on deck to pass the time wishing on each bright star for my boys, my family, their future and their happiness. Maturity or personal growth!?

I was once lead to believe that wishing and hoping were pointless, that you should take control of your life, your thoughts and your attitude. But I am glad I have allowed Hope back into my life – the conduit for miracles – for here I am lying on a boat, wishing on stars, living out the vision of happiness I once dreamt of.