Hoping and wishing and dreaming

The night was so still, airless and I woke suffocated by the heat in our berth so I found myself lying on deck stargazing, listening to the snores of others along the jetty, giggling to the infectious laughter returning party and wondering at my thoughts in between fish splashes and cat calls. On an island in Fiji in 1999 I remember a similar brightly lit starry night and wishing upon shooting stars and drinking woody, muddy, intoxicating kava from wooden bowls. I remember what I wished for then… but I wondered what I would wish for now…

In some ways I was at a loss, other than wishing for sleep… I recollected the dark chest on the otherside of the mountain, deep beneath the waves that once engulfed my happiness and wondered if I should wish that away? But thought it a waste of a wish, for the recollection of the box just reminded me of how far I, we, all of us have come, how much stronger and happier we are, despite the healing scars and the sometimes raw and painful memories.

Strangely I found it hard to wish for myself, something in my early 20's that I had no problem doing, wishing on firework of shooting stars all for myself, my future, materialistic and prescriptive. It was far easier and more satisfying as I lay on deck to pass the time wishing on each bright star for my boys, my family, their future and their happiness. Maturity or personal growth!?

I was once lead to believe that wishing and hoping were pointless, that you should take control of your life, your thoughts and your attitude. But I am glad I have allowed Hope back into my life – the conduit for miracles – for here I am lying on a boat, wishing on stars, living out the vision of happiness I once dreamt of.

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