In a day, or a morning when I just couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong (probably a mixture of tiredness and the hangover of receiving an unwanted text message during an evening with friends), I could see so clearly what was right.

The kitchen, terrace and dining room littered with empty bottles, glasses and the countertops piled with dirty dishes just meant it was a great night.

The rain drenched chair just meant we could sit outside for brunch, because it had stopped raining…

A front doorstep untidy with scattered muddy trainers signified an adventure in our new surroundings, along the river banks and through the fields.

The heavens opening gave me an excuse to watch the intro videos for my new course and cook up a Sunday roast for the family.

A different breakfast request and setting for each member of the family, doesn’t even phase me as everyone is fed and watered, washed and clean by 7pm and the table is laid (despite a table leg malfunction) and we are good to go for the week ahead!

There have been few evenings of late, when I felt huge waves of gratitude of an overwhelming nature.  Tonight as I kissed the soft downy warm necks of the boys, and held on to their strong, lean, wirey little bodys, I could have cried.

This Saturday, I go to bed a happier girl than the shamed, angry, hateful and hurt one of last week.  I go to bed after a peaceful, relaxed and fun evening with the friends who are true friends.

And because I have decided to remember the lovely message of a good friend who felt my words would help a friend, so forwarded my blogs to share the messages of light and deleted the long, unnecessary, opinionated message of someone else who interrupted my Saturday evening and that could have thrown me into the darkness.

This 3rd chapter will be one of light, and be the realisation of the future that we dreamed of and painted a picture of, all those years ago, on the warm sand of a beach in the T&C.  The moment captured by an old, old camera and painted as a surprise and as wedding gift.  A painting kept to ourselves in our bedroom, now thrown in to the light for all to see, proudly displayed in our new dining room.

And quite by surprise, I discover that I have been writing publicly and daily for 2 years.  Just like that.

 

With the onslaught of opinion, most negative recently, I question the future of the alisandwiches.

 

When I started 2 years ago, I didn’t realise that the first year would be the story of grief and the slow and final loss of my Mumbo.  I learnt that grief has no timeline, that there is no shame in grieving and that sharing heals through the empathy and compassion that is wrapped around you by those that are willing to sit in your darkness with you.  Something that prepared me for the year that followed.

 

When I continued into the next year, I didn’t realise that I was about to learn that you could lose joy so suddenly, nor be able to find the strength and courage to rebuild it, and keep rebuilding each time it left.  That was just one of the lessons that the challenges and knockdowns of this second year have taught me.

 

I have also learnt the very hard way that hitting rock bottom can be a good thing, if you are open to seeing it that way.  That at rock bottom, you find yourself, you find out what is important to you and that the way to get back up is to follow the path to the light by following the diamonds and jewels within you.  The things that shine are so much easier to see in the dark – funny that.

 

Last weekend was a very harsh lesson in understanding that putting family first and ensuring that we are ‘ok’ first, rather than listening to the opinions of what other people think of our family.  If we are ok, if we are solid, they can throw stones, but they won’t even damage the brick work, let alone the foundations.

 

Over the course of the year, I have learnt that doing what is uncomfortable takes courage.  And that many people don’t like understanding your discomfort because it makes them feel uncomfortable too.  And when they share their discomfort, it drives you back in to shame; that shame which triggers anger, frustration and fear enough to make you retreat back to the darkness where you feel there is no love, no belonging and therefore, only suffering remains.

 

Standing alone, without support, leaves you vulnerable, open to risk and challenge.  And that can be lonely, make you feel like you are stranded in a wilderness, exposed.

 

Until you hear the words of Maya Angelou and Brene Brown, that explain that true belonging and the only way to never feel alone, is to belong to yourself, to be true and authentic to yourself.  Authenticity to me, means doing what brings me joy and then regardless of the exposure and in whatever kind of wilderness I find myself, I can stand tall and smell the pines, the fresh air and not care about anything or anyone else.

 

And writing daily and publicly brought me back to joy.  So why would I stop?

 

There is mention of the impact it may have on my boys when they read it.  And I am sure one day they will, as all children of writers or creatives eventually do.  But what will they read?  And what will they learn?  That there is no shame in sharing pain or sharing shame?  That the challenges in life are there to be overcome by learning the lessons they bring?  That mistakes are made… and can be rectified in the presence of determination, hardwork and above all love?  That life isn’t perfect?  That out of tragedy, you can triumph?  Aren’t those the lessons we want our children to learn?

 

AS I embark on the next chapter and the 3^rd year, I hope that the future I write about continues to be one of love, joy and the pursuit of happiness and less about grief and heartbreak.  I hope that this year is about spreading light and love in a way that makes me happy, as well as others too.

 

Supercharging was the theme of today.

Firstly, with the new wheels – I am beginning to get the hang of the ‘supercharge’ necessity on long journeys, not only do you ‘fill up’ the car with energy but also oneself as you have no other option other than ‘fill up’ on caffeine or juice boosts to pass the time.

And secondly and the real supercharge, which came from spending a day with the people I have loved the longest, trust the most and am my most authentic self with.  That’s where true energy, power and inner peace comes from – being surrounded by unconditional love and a true sense of belonging.

My original family have been the consistent supercharging force that has helped me rebuild my current family.  And as I snuggle under fresh smelling daisy covered sheets, that is what I am most grateful for tonight.

In a day where I focussed on all the activities to tick off the lists of a mother, wife, housewife, project house developer, I found a few minutes to put my thoughts on paper on answering the exam question ‘WTF do I do now?’

I am realising that my days are quite long while the boys spend about 10 hours at school most days of the week, and my other activities and jobs are all well and good, but what about stimulation, satisfaction and solely for me (other than exercise..)?

I rather surprised myself with the first bullet point in answer to the question – update my CV.

Not that I intend on pursuing my career back in the corporate world, but more of a self confidence boost to remind myself thatI haven’t been idle in the 4 years I left it all behind and to hone out which bits of that I want to take forward, and that which I want to leave well and truly behind.

I already set the intention a couple of weeks ago that I was ready to re-involve myself in some sort of volunteering or charity work, and the Universe has already provided after a conversation on a park bench during a boys’ play date.

So now it is about getting clear on my intention of what it is I am looking for, for how long, who with and what arena.  Once I know the answers to those questions, I will know exactly where to go looking and I have faith everything will fall into place just as it should.

I have been looking daily at the 5G’s from Lewis Howes and the one that stumped me, that I glossed over while life was just too overwhelming and felt it was more important to focus on the first G, Gratitude, was the 4^th G – Game Plan.  A game plan has to have absolute clarity and with my diminished drive and ambition towards my business and my book, I faltered and stuck my head in the sand.

It is time to write a new Game Plan and I can already feel it taking shape, and I feel better for having the first draft to answer the question ‘WTF do I do now?’

After an emotional storm, there is always the quiet.  Just as after loss, there is always evaluation.

In the quiet, and in the evaluation, it is clear to see the important aspects of life that need to be cherished.

And so the quiet, and the evaluation bring peace.  And in that peace, I drank tea and cherished the moment.

With the cloak of shame clouding my thoughts yesterday, it wasn’t until the dawn this morning that I woke and knew what I needed to do to help shrug it away.

 

In the peace of the silver morning light, the story of fear and love became clear: their fear for me causing their concern, their love for me making them speak out; my fear of being thrown back into the darkness of doubting my decision, my love for the Big Man making me defensive, argumentative, angry.

 

As the silver light turned golden, I chose to do the right thing and choose love: recognise and appreciate their love over their fear, apologise, forgive and move on; recognise and appreciate myself, my decisions and forgive myself for my reactions and move on.

 

Esther Perel was right; one of the first of the experts in infidelity and whose advice I listened to and heard.  ‘Staying’ is the new shame and probably one of the hardest things to do, to turn and face the thing you fear the most and find the love in one of the most impossible places to find it.  Only to be made harder when you are surrounded by the judgements, opinions and doubts of others.

 

However, in this case, it set me somewhat free, for I felt my own cloak of doubt fall away as I stood firm in my decision and belief in the current Big Man.

 

Teddy Roosevelt’s words are ringing in my ears:

 

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat”

 

Yesterday, I felt or was made to feel that I was fighting in my own arenas and that everyone was watching:  fighting valiantly in the area of my marriage, getting it wrong, but striving to make it work with great devotion…  and daring greatly in the vulnerability of writing a public, daily blog, for which I have great enthusiasm and believe a worthy cause.

 

And yet I am conflicted in both, I am hearing the words of the critics, feeling their support and praise from one side and the sting from the other.  Do I end the marriage?  Do I stop the blog? Are these part of the ‘errs and shortcomings’? Or am I just listening to the crowds and letting their unhelpful opinions cloud and distort my instinct to stay? Do I fight and continue to get back up despite their ability to knock me down when I am vulnerable, with my armour off and my party hat on?

 

Conflict and confusion, frustration and fear of getting it all wrong and mixing it with alcohol is a terrible thing and so I hide today under the worst possible cloak of shame, for the tears and the embarrassment, the turmoil and merry-go-round of blurred images of faces and words of advice, words of pity, words of praise, words of judgement, words of their fears projecting onto me.

 

And as I hide, I lick my wounds clean off the blood, take time to dust myself off and get ready to get back in to the ring to do battle, in the knowledge that my coat of armour is love; love for him, my family, for writing, for authenticity and openness and ultimately for myself and therefore, I have no option but to thrive and survive.

 

No SFD today…. and am actually really excited and happy to feel like my sparkly self! I anticipated being really nervous for the party of the Yorkshire season … but actually, am just excited to see some lovely people and have a serious boogie!

It’s been a while….

It’s one of those evenings when I sit and look at a blank sheet of paper, wondering which thoughts need to be written out and let go, which thoughts need to be written down and celebrated, which thoughts and memories of the day need to have a word of thanks to commemorate them.

 

And then I remember Brene Brown’s advice too; write the SFD (the shitty first draft) – the bits that need to be written down, warts and all and let go.  No matter how childish.

 

Tonight my SFD is really childish.  And I have probably taken it all a little too personally.  And I need to let it go so that we can enjoy what we have left of the evening.

 

I have accepted the apology – so why am I in a huff?  I am sure I am not the only wife sat waiting with a supper going dry in an oven on a Friday night, waiting for the diner to return from the pub after work? Sitting frustrated at the chaos caused and disruption to my carefully planned and timed evening to ensure we are fed well and the boys get an early night before another long day at Saturday school.

 

And in this scenario, I can hear Byron Katie in my ear, with one of the first questions of ‘the work’ you need to do when feeling angry, frustrated or negative judgements about someone. “Is the statement I am saying/believing about the situation absolutely true and can I know it to be true?”  Is it true that he was only thinking of himself and disregarding completely what may have been going on at home?

 

In asking that question, I know I am wrong. Because he was thinking of our future, meeting a friend and bringing him to our home to discuss our options; our many options of what we can do with the many projects that we have and that sometimes overwhelm me!  He was thinking of our future, and that is more important than a dry roast chicken and the boys being 30 minutes late to bed….

 

SFD done. Huff disappearing.