With the cloak of shame clouding my thoughts yesterday, it wasn’t until the dawn this morning that I woke and knew what I needed to do to help shrug it away.
In the peace of the silver morning light, the story of fear and love became clear: their fear for me causing their concern, their love for me making them speak out; my fear of being thrown back into the darkness of doubting my decision, my love for the Big Man making me defensive, argumentative, angry.
As the silver light turned golden, I chose to do the right thing and choose love: recognise and appreciate their love over their fear, apologise, forgive and move on; recognise and appreciate myself, my decisions and forgive myself for my reactions and move on.
Esther Perel was right; one of the first of the experts in infidelity and whose advice I listened to and heard. ‘Staying’ is the new shame and probably one of the hardest things to do, to turn and face the thing you fear the most and find the love in one of the most impossible places to find it. Only to be made harder when you are surrounded by the judgements, opinions and doubts of others.
However, in this case, it set me somewhat free, for I felt my own cloak of doubt fall away as I stood firm in my decision and belief in the current Big Man.