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There’s not really much to say in words about today other than the sun shone as we rode the waves and ran the dunes, drank the wine and watched the tides. 
Cornwall at its finest, even in April.

Time.
The passing of time. Is it the passing of time that makes grief of any loss easier? Memories fading, feelings less intense? Newer experiences filling a void? The future more exciting than the pain of the past?
Sometimes I have a hard time believing ‘it’ all ever happened at all? As we lie in a Mortimer chain of bodies, eating pizza and drinking wine, watching a family movie, sunkissed, wind swept… it could be last August and yet it is this April… 
Has the last 6 months just gone down a sink hole? 
In many ways, there have been similarities to the grief of the loss of my Mumbo; feelings of shock, sadness, disbelief, relief, anger, frustration. But she is no longer here, not in the spirit world anyway, and we all are, just as if nothing had happened.
And then there is acceptance. 
As Eckhart Tolle says, ‘If you argue internally with what is you suffer…. You can’t change what is… Surrender to what is’
Maybe I am now in the acceptance phase. And now it is my time, our time, to surrender what is.      

With a good 200 miles under our belt as we fly through Bristol and onwards to Cornwall, our topic of conversation has been the future – what do we want to create for ourselves individually and as a team. 
And as we peel back the layers of our aspirations and get to the nitty gritty, it is always happiness, but it seems that we both want creation at the heart of it. And moreover, proud of what we have created, of our legacy.   
Pride for the family home that we are going to turn the dream house into. But then, isn’t happiness at the heart of a home?
Pride for careers that we are both following, growing into. But then, isn’t happiness at the heart of doing what you love?
Most of all, pride for the sons we will prepare for the big wide world and hand them over to and into. But then, isn’t happiness at the heart of their preparation? 
And there we have it, back to happiness. And happiness being at the heart of creation and not the other way round. 
And are we not proud of what we have created already? 
Even in the ruins, there are elements still standing strong, particularly, the ones born from happiness, love and who we are most proud of.  
The new foundations, albeit still exposed, vulnerable and unconcealed are far better than a hollow pit of despair and definitely, something to be proud of.  They were created out of a decision on my part, his part, our part, to be happy. And to be happy together.

Today there was no time, no opportunity to get lost in my head. There was only the now. This moment. 
And in this one I am happy. A good day. The drawing of lines has started. And with my natural state to be scared of change, I know it is right, the evolution feels good.
Plus I stepped over a line. My comfort zone line… and once you have stepped over that line, you can’t go back. I stepped out and put myself under the bright lights of a catwalk, put myself out there for scrutiny. Scrutiny that I am sure is only in my head.. the critical voice of my Mumbo in my head, my body dysmorphia all in my mind.

 
The dresses were stunning. And the voices in my head were quiet as I lived in the moment and I felt like a princess! And everyone deserves to feel like a princess, for a moment. 

 

On a day that reminded me of a date that once brought me to my knees, I decided to look forward and not in my rear view mirror.  I chose to fill my day by working through my ‘joy list’, do as many on my list as possible and start my day the way I love to.

 

I have 2 starts to my day – the first being the day as a Mum with cuddles in bed, making bacon and eggs for my growing boys and waving them off with full tummies, clean teeth, hair and shirts… having breakfast with the Big Man before waving him off too.

 

The second is my start to the day as me.  Just me. Ali. And she likes to go back to bed or find a quiet space and calm my mind after the chaos of lost shoes, finding clean shirts and cooking breakfast.  And recently, thanks to my back issues, I have reintroduced 10 minutes of a yogic flow before getting my running shoes on.    My second start to the day doesn’t always happen like that, but today it did.

 

I often find that when I run, words tumble out of me… and today, the words were in the form of a letter.    It started out as a letter of finger pointing and justification.

 

However, I was also keeping true to my joy list and learning, growing and listening to 2 of the women I find the most inspirational, hanging off their every word whilst laughing out loud; Oprah and Michelle Obama.

 

One of their first discussion points was the importance of knowing yourself, knowing who you are.  And most importantly knowing your value, what you bring to your life, your relationships, your family… what you bring to the world by being you.

 

So what started as a letter of justification of why he chose me, became more of an empowerment exercise, a letter to myself and a way to remind myself of who I was, the importance of my value and an exercise anyone should do who has had their belief system shattered, their support network rocked and their self-worth obliterated, or even if feeling a little low.

 

As soon as I had done it, and it didn’t take long, perhaps 2 or 3 rests in between sprints on my phone, I flew.  I was empowered.  And the rest of my day was filled with good, happy moments with good, happy people mixed with all the other ‘joy list’ activities.

 

 

 

I bring love. Life. Stability. Hard work, blood, sweat and tears. 

 

I bring security. I bring a beautiful past and an exciting future filled with our dreams.

 

I bring hope, joy and laughter with my arms always open.

 

I bring family, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, grandparents and life-long, trusted friends.  I bring unity.

 

I bring intellect, spirituality, curiosity, faith and belief.  I teach gratitude and vision in equal measure.  I bring life skills.

 

I bring commitment, tenacity, discipline, dedication.  I bring results.

 

I bring lessons in empathy, compassion, kindness, forgiveness, friendship and community.

 

I bring ears that listen and a heart that advises with authenticity. I bring a dictionary, a thesaurus and notes on English grammar.

 

I am a woman with means and morals, I am a master baker, barbecue baster, a mover and a shaker. 

 

I am an original, I am unique and I am proud to be me.

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday, it was a ‘Margaret’ who made me laugh… and today it was ‘Margo’ who was the source of my strength.

 

And she has been that way for the last 4 weeks since she came in my life.  Since first reading her words, summarising her advice on a successful marriage and concluding the fantastic article from the Huffington Post, I have done as she advised and read it daily as I clean my teeth.  Each day I read something new, see it with fresh eyes and remind myself that relationships, marriage is something to be nurtured daily, tended to frequently just like a beautiful garden.

 

Those little daily tendencies, pleasantries, transparent honesty, appreciative acts, unprompted gestures all performed with genuine loving respect will keep the marriage alive, ‘weed’ free.  Just as the daily absence of the same will allow the damaging nettles to sting you, the suffocating ivy to leave you breathless, bound and feeling trapped in something you no longer recognise.

 

Today, there were 2 of her points that stood out, “Have a life outside of each other, but share it through conversation” and ‘Both of you should assume it’s up to you so that you are both working on it.”

 

Diversity and differences make anything interesting, drives curiosity and excitement and in relationships allows the feeling of freedom.  Being open and transparent breeds trust, the cornerstone for any relationship.

 

And if both of you are taking full and 100% responsibility, resentment has no place to grow; more importantly, in the tough times, even if one or both of you can’t give that much, you still have a fighting chance above zero of survival.

 

To survive the decades that every marriage believes they will withstand as they make those cherishing vows, Margo’s words should be required reading from the outset to keep them from being broken.

Every successful relationship is successful for the same exact reasons

 

‘What’s the difference between Margaret and a cow?’

‘Nothing.  They are both moooooooooooooooody!’

 

That was the joke that made me smile and made my moody mardiness burst like a bubble as I picked up Willy from school today.

 

I was livid.  Having organised my day around an appointment I had been waiting for desperately for 6 weeks, I turned up only to be greeted by a string of excuses that seemed to be my fault!  I had been nervous all morning, running like a mad man was chasing me, cooking and clearing to distract myself so that I arrived calm and collected for an appointment that was going to help me with the triggers of post traumatic stress that seem to be increasing with frequency and intensity.

 

I have no doubt and suspect this is due to the excitement and intense pressure we face as this chapter comes to an end and a new one begins, along with the fact that house purchasing, death, marriage and divorce are rated as the most stressful events you will face in life.

 

I am pretty certain I know what the next chapter holds, but as this one draws to a close, I question and interview myself silently on my sanity.  Am I?  or aren’t I mad?  Would I be mad to? or not to?  And so I find myself in constant justification and fight for my survival mode, leaving me vulnerable to any kind of trigger; friends who just remind me of their betrayal and how small it was in light of it all, wedding photos, vegan recipes, mirrors and even fricking cushions in John Lewis!

 

Yes I was livid and the triggers just kept on flying at me like daggers as I tried to believe the Universe had my back… but only sent me to find a new trigger – the bloody yellow cushions!

 

But then there was my little blondy, bringing me back to the present.  Telling me jokes as his arms clung round my neck and I could smell the warmth of him, the fresh smell of his clean, line dried clothes.

 

“Where does a snowman put his birthday candles?’

“On his birthday flakes!”

AT the end of today, I am filled with a deep satisfaction and gratitude for being a mother and having a wonderful mother in law to celebrate, as we sit as a family laughing and eating delicious sweet barbecued lamb and drinking fine wines.

 

It didn’t start that way.

 

I woke this morning in a funk.  It has taken sheer determination and disciplined thinking to get to where I am this evening; to see the positives and believe; to get up and get out; to ‘fake’ happiness until it was true.

 

And step by step, I pulled myself out of the molasses and sticky melancholy mood, partly brought on by memories of my Mumbo, concern for my Dad on a long haul flight and perhaps relief that we have got through the first stage of negotiations for our dream house.

 

Step by step; mindfulness in the sunshine, tea and cards in bed, croissants and papers, a ruthless cleanse of 2 cupboards, trips to the tip, washing on the line, a long hard slog of a run in treacle, until the last 50 yards, lunch in the sun, reading my book quietly and alone with the final tipping point as Tom challenged me to play contact rugby and giggling as he tried and failed to knock me over and doing the champion dance as I wiped the floor with Grandpa and the boys at croquet!

 

The icing on the cake just had to be a bit of Dirty Dancing and a bottle of rosé as I laid the table and called everyone inside…

 

Step by step… determination and discipline.  A bit like croquet….

I have not laughed so much in a long time. Seeing the Big Man attempting hopscotch on a trampoline net 15m about the ground and Tom flying up 2 meters high next to him…. have you ever seen a baboon bounce? Today I did!
And the laughter was so needed. A welcome dousing of water on the fire of rage that had ignited earlier in the garage. 
Boxes and boxes of ‘stuff’ left unpacked and stored in the garage roof since we moved north from London. My delight at finding all my travel diaries and albums was short lived after finding the boxes of paraphernalia I kept. The boxes telling the story of the preparation of a fairy tale wedding, the letters of love, felicitations! and support from friends, ribbons samples, fabric swatches, magazine cut outs, draft invites… a day I thought so much about and planned with precision for the start of a future I dreamed so much of, held so special, so sacred in my heart. And my heart… my heart that had been healing, so elated after the recent news felt shattered at the thought of how little it all meant to him in one moment, in many moments and how much it had meant to me and the words of Esther Perez ringing in my ears ‘your first marriage is over.’
The laughter so needed to smooth over the harsh, hurtful words that unleashed from my mouth that devastated us both in equal measures. 
And laughter breeds more laughter and as we raced around the tree top nets, down the slides playing tig and hide and seek, the horrible memories of the past and garage boxes forgotten, now ready for the tip and the skip. 
Laughter is all I needed to bring me back to the present moment: laughter on a treetop net with a big baboon and little baboons…

It’s time to dig out the champagne from under the kale.  This time I feel like actually popping that cork, rather than hypothetically.   It has been a long time coming.

 

Today as I ran under the glorious blue spring sky, I jumped for joy and laughed out loud simulstaneously as I had tears rolling down my cheeks and on occasion had to bend over in heartache, with gut wrench pain.  Fortunately, I saw no one.

 

The rush of emotions intense; quick jabs of anger, hate, frustration of the past washed over and obliterated with utter excitement, joy, hope, love and gratitude for the future.

 

Faith and miracles have worked their magic.

 

That deeper belief that it would all fall in to place and we would be ok, that we would end up in our dream home meant that we didn’t have to be patient for that long.

 

And miracles.  5 months ago, I would have never thought this possible.  All the work I did in those early days with Marianne and Gabrielle have helped me change my perspective and see life, this, us, events, everything from a different perspective, causing a miracle.

 

I now have the strength to refer back to the passage I wrote back in July about my life story;  how I was going to wake up in a light, airy, white room with a smile on my face, in love and feeling loved.

 

I wasn’t feeling it at the time, and I so desperately wanted it and now it is happening.

 

Part of me, the small angry person in side of me, wants to shout out about revenge; but she is being eclipsed by my inner ‘Joy’, who reminds me that the best way of getting revenge is by being happy anyway, even if someone had hoped to break you, devastate you, annihilate you by the force of her pain and anger and jealously.   And Joy is coaxing me towards gratitude, for could I honestly say, hand on heart that we would be here if we hadn’t been forced to dig up the foundations of marriage?

 

And so, Joy is launching me up on to that next step up the mountain. Leaping to the point I thought was so out of reach, so far away that I thought it impossible.  She reminds me nothing is ‘impossible’, nothing is out of reach, everything is possible and the recipe is faith, love and miracles, with a good ‘leg up’ of determination to get to where you want to be.

 

Rikki Rogers says that ‘Strength doesn’t come from what you can do.  It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn’t.’

 

This journey, this last 5 months, on top of the previous year, the climb has made me believe in myself, my stamina, my strength and my endurance.  And as our therapist commented and we recognise and now celebrate, has highlighted a joint strength and forceful bond between a couple that has been tested to its limits, but still held firm.