I am so over goal setting.  I think in this day and age of fast paced, constant evolution and uncontrollable outside influence, they are just another way to find yourself beating yourself up when you fall short of the goals you set yourself to complete in a year.

I am kind of unpackaging the theory of SMART goals…

I believe Time and Specific are too rigid, leaves no room for change or improvement.  And after the last year, I am more about ‘feelings’, than things, titles, pay cheques..   And I don’t believe you can measure feelings accurately.  In the pursuit of happiness throughout 2017 and a return to joy – there are moments, sometimes short and sometimes long.  But a measurement of happiness?  I am not sure it is appropriate to scale and I am not sure I could describe it..  When does ‘I am no longer unhappy, become happy?’ or ‘I am happy, become overcome with joy?’

That leaves achievable and realistic.  Well, realistic is easy to rule out.  Why be realisitic?   Where is the fun in that?  And it also caps your limits, your expectations.  Reach for the stars and at least you may make the moon.  I would rather go big and bold, daring and brave and know at least I tried.

And achievable.. well again, after the experience of last couple of years, I think anything is achievable, even when it seems impossible.
So for 2018, I am all about Intention setting and that is my new way forward.  Same headings, different motive, different questions.  What is my intention, what is my primary focus this year for my family and relationships, for my health, for my social wellbeing, for my career, purpose and finances?
I much prefer this way of looking at the year ahead; I can’t anticipate what will happen, what fate or other people’s actions and decisions will have on the course and bearing of my life. Being too prescriptive can end up being disappointing and totally disheartening.   I would rather answer the question – did I make progress in this area, rather than, did I achieve my goal?

Today, as I started my 43^rd year, I should have applied the same logic – rather than being too prescriptive, I should have just left it with the first intention… To have a family day that rocked!  And let the day unfold.

Instead, I added in criteria for success – to have hot rocks and go to Brimham Rocks, things I know we all love to do as a family.  Have a lazy morning with papers and sharing our 2018 intentions.  Make birthday cake and watch family movies.

I suppose now comes the shitty first draft of a 42 years young Birthday Girl on a sofa feeling sorry for herself who just can’t get past the small annoyances, only making me more grumpy.

In reviewing our joint ‘intentions’ for the year ahead, we are aligned in all areas except one.  The social aspect.  Where I to continue to draw a line under the previous years, our first marriage, find new friends, new events and grow and add to a circle of close friends who inspire me and match my intentions with their positivity, openness, philanthropy, abundance, big ideas.. I felt that we were miles apart with the Big Man’s intentions to reconnect with friends lost in the drama, go back to ‘old’ events on the social calendar.  Apparently, I make him feel guilty for doing so, or wanting to do so.

Perhaps It touched a nerve.  My defensive attitude and dip into a negative frame of mind was obvious.

But in my defense, my explanation, to me is rational.  I can’t go back and nor do I want to.  I cannot, nor will not, go back to a social scene that makes me feel shame; where the judgement of others is obvious, not only of what he did, but also of how I have responded.  I cannot, not will not, go back to a time in my life that to me now was fake, all a lie; how in those times I was happy, positive, proud of our marriage, family and accomplishments only to find out it was all based on my naivety and part truth.  In certain circles, social events, feel like I am wearing the jester’s outfit and the world is laughing at the biggest joke in town.

My excitement in showing my faith in the future felt diminished by a return to dredge up the past. And so my bubble of excitement was kind of burst.  After that, the rest of my exciting plans lost their lustre.

And so did I.

And perhaps that is why the day unfolded as it did; disjointed and disappointing.  A run amongst the heather and peat with my eldest a highlight, but not the family frolic I had hoped for as my youngest decided to throw his bad mood and anger and spoilt nature in my face.

A mirror, being held up in my face.  A reflection of how I am feeling inside.  Blamed for the unhappiness and the guilt, makes me want to throw away my plans and intentions and shout and scream ‘I don’t care, I hate you all!’  and sit on a rock and not join in the fun.

But he is 8.  And I am 42.  Old enough to know better.

So I will put away my intentions.  And go with the flow.

And the flow is carrying me to the cake they have all been making in the kitchen.  Their smiles and love poured in to the cake will wash away my guilt and unhappiness and replace it with the very same.

It’s 8.30pm and I have just woken up from a gorgeous snooze on the sofa. Sandwiched between two little men after a day being treated by the Big one cooking and drinking a laughing.

The pre-perfect birthday surprise!

And now I am going back to sleep… to wake up on my birthday! 42 years young and many more years to come…

Yesterday, I got a love note.

I wouldn’t have known what it was, if I hadn’t been listening to Jen Sincero.

“Brilliant ideas are love notes from the Universe that say:  this is for you.  I think you’re hot.  And capable.  Go share your stunning youness with the world.”

If I hadn’t have just heard that, I wouldn’t have known, as I was singing at the top of my lungs to ‘Mr Brightside’ on my way to school, that that is what it was.  A little voice that just said, “Why don’t you… You could do it, you know!”  I would have dismissed the thought and the idea as something way too scary to do, a pointless exercise, leading to aa culmination of embarrassment and energy wasted.

So today, I let fear be my guide and focussed on the little steps.  I asked myself, ‘If I were to respond to this love note, what would I do now?  … and then what would I do next… if I were to do this?’

I ended up thoroughly enjoying an afternoon of flurried activity; spider thought charts, idea lists, contact lists, proposal drafting.

Like a wheel stuck in the mud, when someone is held by the chains of fear, the hardest part is to get momentum to get moving; backwards or forwards…  and sometimes you need the backwards part to get a bigger swing to go further in the right and opposite direction. Any movement, that first movement expends the most energy, but energy breeds more energy….

And I am energised!  I don’t even care if this is a backward move… I know it will end up going forwards, eventually.

Sometimes, all you need is a little love note.  From the Universe… or just from anyone to say those words – “I think you’re hot….Go share your stunning youness with the world.”

Today.
Today, I stood looking at a throne and orb that are apparently mine, but I don’t believe I am worthy of. I learnt that the huge black pearl at the heart of the orb represents a huge flaw in my thinking. Is it time to take my rightful place?
Today, my shoulders ached and the muscles twitched restlessly. Are they my angel’s wings, poised and ready, strong and willing to take this flight away from the stress of the past?

Today, I toyed with the colourful elastic bands of my childhood, a reminder that I need to expand my imagination and explore colourful, bright new ways of thinking.

Today, I unrolled the maps of the future, the bald-headed eagle showing me a vision: travelling to tall buildings, cities on a global scale. New York at the centre, a fast paced, Big Apple kind of healthy lifestyle. My current goals and new intentions matching that dream.

Today, I booked a precarious flight in an old sea plane – will the landing be smooth or bumpy? I don’t know, but the view and the journey, I anticipate, will be beautiful, lush and green and free showing everyone I have taken life to a whole new level!

Today, I stared into the eyes of an old croc, a lover of sea and land.   I looked into my subconscious and conscious, my equally balanced creative and analytic brain, my emotional self and my rational self, the mother in me and the over achiever.  My new found freedom, inner power and hidden strength had her turn away and slither back in to her watery home.

Today, finally, I took a luxurious bath (clearly metaphorical – the baths in PH are far from luxurious) and rid myself of the old ideas, the old stories that have been holding me back.  I feel clean, fresh, full of forgiveness, hope and excitement for the future and ready to let go of the past.

Today. Today, was reiki day; a day when I tapped in to my subconscious; a day I feel empowered and centred.

SToday, I am confident, was the first day of the new chapter.

‘Twas the night before school…. And not a creature was stirring.

 

Well.  Not really.  It’s kind of noisy, a bit like bedlam. I am definitely ready for the return to school and the subsequent peace and quiet in the house, when I can abandon my ringmaster’s costume and referee’s whistle.  I wonder if it is just boys.  Or brothers.  Or whether it is just as constant with a boy and a girl; or two girls even?

 

Everything is a competition; turns to an argument and then a fight.  The first to get to the car, the table, the best seat.  “he chose last time!”  “he always sits there!” “he hit me!” “he punched me first!”

 

Yes.  I am ready.

 

And right now, I am going to calm down the situation with a polite request to get in to PJ’s and come and cuddle me on the sofa and watch a documentary.  We are quite enjoying the good back catalogue of David A.  Perhaps not ‘The Hunt’ tonight.  Survival of the fittest means one of them could die.

 

And I am not ready for that.

I think boredom can be confused with unhappiness.

I was unhappy when I got home.  Ill.  A poorly boy. A bored boy. A Big Man openly sharing his envy at having to go back to work after a break, leaving us all curled on the sofas..  but really, I am not unhappy, just bored.

In a new desk calendar the phrase of the day hit me like a sledgehammer.

“Become aware of what you’re gaining from your stories….  If you’re perpetuating something dismal in your life because of some dopey story, there’s definitely something about it that you’re getting off on.”

I am missing the attention.  The love.  The empathy.  The novelty?  I replay the nightmare, the thriller and climax of October 2016 and the story of preceding years over in my mind and it makes me angry and hurt and wanting.

…Wanting the love and lavish attention from him, affection and empathy from my world.

Because now we have sailed precariously but finally safe through that storm, only losing the unnecessary, life is back to ‘normal’ and ‘boring’ and ‘mundane’.

And I hate myself … for the recognition of what I have just realised.

So my affirmation and promise to myself, for 2018, is to not replay the past and all its pain to gain connection and affection but to pursue and really focus on what I know deep down I want and all the many exciting projects we have lined up, as a couple, a family and individually.  And the inner happiness will give me the richness of life I crave.  The inner peace will give me the success I look forward to.  All of this will provide me with the healthy life I desire and that is the true wealth…

And for those that did me wrong, all of them, I will rise above my pain to be kind.  Because I hear that kindness is the new cool…

The words of two great women flow around my head today.  They swim through the cold and flue fog that is keeping my energy levels low and my mood somewhat melancholy.

The first, were the words of Claire Foy as she plays the Queen in the fantastic series, The Crown.  In answer to her mother’s question about Mrs Kennedy being unhappy in her marriage…

‘But That’s the thing about unhappiness.  All it takes is for something worse to come along, and you realise that it was happiness after all.’

And the second, the words of Oprah in her acceptance speech for her Golden Globe for a lifetime achievement.  She shares how she has spoken to the many who have overcome some of the ugliest things life can throw at us and their “Ability to maintain hope for a brighter morning, even during our darkest nights.”

So maybe it isn’t just about these two women, but also a third – Mrs Kennedy, who was already unhappy in the limelight and the spotlight that her husband thrust upon her, only to have to experience one of Oprah’s ugly life events to make her realise her mistake.  And a mistake, I am sure she learnt from, grew from and became one of those inspirational women who focussed on rebuilding herself with hope at the centre so that she became the icon ‘Jackie O’.

All these women have shared their incredible stories, journey’s and truth.  They have inspired so many women, and perhaps men, including me through my ugly life lessons.  I feel so many suffer in silence and shame but perhaps hearing Oprah, they will speak to share their truth;  and to those who make me feel shame for sharing my truth publicly and have had me hiding my story away, perhaps they too will realise how powerful it can be, not only for yourself to heal, but also to inspire those in the same darkness.

My purpose of 2017 was to find my happy.   Whereas once, I struggled to find it, I now find myself in my happy place multiple times, not only in a week, but in a day.

If last week, I found myself grinning like a Cheshire cat following my little ski speed demon and off-piste junky, today, I at peace back in my sanctuary, my kitchen, experimenting.

With my little man still spiking a temperature and his little face pale as the winter moon, the experiments were all about how to let food be our medicine and medicine our food.  It was about colour and taste; crunch and quench; sooth and nourish.  I am realising how much I have learnt in the last 3 years and even more so in the last 3 months of starting my health coaching course.

And that makes me happy too.

As does this moment, as always.  Lying on our sofa, all 5 of us, including Percy the tail-less cat, who is the best medicine for poorliness, his warmth and purr comforting.  All of us, in our happy place together as true nourishment for the soul.

Home sweet home.

And it is sweet, the feeling of truly being within the walls where our hearts have healed.

And so is the soup to sooth me..

As are the kisses from my poorly boy.

And the sad, overtired eyes of the other….

Home sweet home.

And bed, sweet, warm, delicious, comfy bed.

Despite the ailments of the night and the elements of the day, all four of us made it out on the piste and all 9 of us made it for our final lunch together.

Typically, when asleep, I sleep like the dead.  I can sleep through the Big Man’s train engine of a snore and hurricane Brian.  But the mother’s instinct in me can hear the slightest noise of one my children being ill.

No matter how deep asleep or tired I am, I can bounce out of bed and be instantly alert… last night – stroking his back, finding fresh water, Dettol, bin liners and bags, squawking orders at a stunned Big Man..

And no matter how deep a sleep I need or how tired I am, I cannot sleep until all possibilities, events and outcomes have been exhausted and ruled out.  A rising temperature to 39, with a rash, headache and vomiting had me lying awake most of the night; holding a red hot body that curled around me, or thrashed out of the duvet, pressing glasses and thermometers and lips against his skin until I was completely sure the fever was gone and I didn’t need to wake Grandpa to drive me to the hospital.

As another little body arrived to join us, as the dawn of a grey morning broke, a tweak of the curtain showed us the rain had stopped.  And while my body screamed to stay in bed, the slopes of the last day screamed louder.

So, despite the ailments of the night, we did brave the elements of the day and actually enjoyed the flat light, the slush, the quiet slopes, a little rain and watching and chasing the boys ski 7 hours of beautiful parallel turns….

But now my little man and are turning apres ski down for duvet time; my body aches with tiredness, physical, emotional and with the lack of my beauty sleep, I am ugly with tiredness… thank goodness for goggles, snoods and helmets during the day!