I have learnt over the last year that it is just important to celebrate the small stuff as it is the big stuff.   So I celebrated not having to crawl back into bed, hiding from the world after getting the boys off to school…

 

Does that mean I am venturing off my rocky sea bed?

 

Only yesterday morning, I know I was still there, weighted down with emotion and decisions and thoughts and triggers of bad memories.

 

I am learning that there is so much that triggers and fires up my negative emotions and turmoil.  And those emotions turn to anger.  A natural reaction in this situation as anger is like adrenalin and an analgesic to numb the pain of those triggered thoughts and memories.   But it only lasts so long.  The energy to sustain the anger for too long is too great on too little sleep and too little food.  And the crash can be just as dramatic as the outburst, leaving me soulless, lifeless and desperate.

 

But today there is neither.  No crash.  No eruption.  So that is something to celebrate and commend myself for also.

 

There are still thoughts.  Many thoughts following a particular question our therapist asked me yesterday in a joint session.  And I know writing it out will help, rather than let it circle like a preying eagle in my mind..

 

“The question isn’t necessarily can you forgive him and all of his actions, his choices, but can you can you forgive enough?”

 

And in that moment, so many thoughts rush through my head.

 

She told me that she knew I would forgive him.  And because of that, part of me doesn’t want to.  Because it reminds me that she knew all about me, stalked me on social media, read my blogs, lived in my house, came to my home and I knew nothing about her.  And I don’t want to be the person she ‘knows’.  So I don’t want to forgive.

 

But why would I want her to have a hold on me?  Let her manipulate me, like she did him?  So that is one thought or reason to let go.

 

So if I can forgive him enough, does that let him off the hook?  Does that condone what he did?  And would anyone else understand how and why I could?  Should I really care what others think?  I actually do.  I have been surrounded by ‘friends’ before who have supported me to my face, but whispered behind my back and that is just cruel and intensifies the pain, prolongs the healing.  So I do care because going forward, I will be so careful about who my friends are, who I confide in.

 

I know I am super sensitive about what others think right now.  Which is so frustrating, having spent the last year or so really trying to care less, focussing more on me, what I want to be and represent in my life, pleasing myself rather than pleasing others or conforming to social etiquette and standing.

 

But one of the questions that hurts me most, is the first question asked of him, ‘is it really want you want?  Is your future with her?’

 

Whenever I had heard about infidelity in others, my first reaction was always that it was probably more to do with the other person in the relationship, rather than the one that strayed.  So I understand their reaction.  I know I am far from perfect – a tendency to be be bossy, moody, difficult and ‘hard work’, but the question only adds to my current huge sense of being unlovable, being worthless, boring or just ‘not nice’ to be around according to our ‘mutual’ friends.

 

And it suddenly dawns on me that that is why I have remained in my watery recluse for all this time.  Because not only do I feel unloved by him, but by everyone else too?

 

That is one hell of a pity party to throw for myself.

 

When I know deep down that this is not about me at all.

 

It is all about him.  It always was.   And that is not my story to tell.

 

My story is the one that my Reiki practitioner saw and felt today:  the elephant on the move, bringing her herd with her, the turtle swimming in shallow water and the bat turning in to the swallow to fly away and all the while, diamonds, fine jewellery, sweets and dresses falling all around.

 

My story is that I know what I want and I am on a mission to forgive enough and move on (elephant meaning strength), but taking each day as it comes (the turtle meaning wisdom to not react, simply accepting but also with water meaning intuition) on a new adventure for a new beginning (the swallow is often linked to sailing experiences and hope for new beginnings).  And while I am on this journey, there will be an abundance of wealth and riches (the jewels! And I think the dresses are just symbolic for me… ).

 

 

 

 

In my new favourite film, ‘Eat pray love’,  Ketut tells ‘Leeeez’ to spend at least 5 minutes a day smiling with her face and with her liver;  until the smile stuck.  She had to practice smiling.  She had to practice being happy. She had to practice daily what she wanted to feel and be.

 

So the first step is to work out who and what that is.  Your identity:  answering the question who are you?

 

Identity was a key theme for me today.  It was the chapter in my book ‘Living & Loving after Betrayal’ by Steven Stosny which is just so helpful, especially as it applies all the teachings of other books I love to read and puts it in context with my current situation. And that is something which I was struggling and getting frustrated at not being able to do.

 

Today the chapter was very clear about how to create a ‘healing’ identity, one which focusses on your own values and strengths, to promote healing and growth to overcome the event.  The healing identity is one where you focus on who you are, rather than the ‘victim’ identity which focusses on an event and the circumstances, the blame, the unfairness and the damage.

 

“Although her relationship was damaged beyond repair, she was not damaged in any way – not as a person, parent, friend or employee. Her personal qualities, her values, her spirit and all her talents and abilities were intact requiring only her attention to flourish.”

 

It was such a huge relief. I am not damaged.  I am still me.  Underneath the pain.  And I will be when I venture out of my watery recluse period.

 

So while I am down here, I just have to practice living my values.  The ones on my 5 point star, the ones I read out each morning, the top one being, ‘I love laughing daily’, just as Liz had to practice smiling.

 

And as if by magic, I opened the Christmas card sent by my sister.  And I burst out laughing.

 

What is the identity of the white blobs?  Snow men with boobies?  Or Polar bears looking at the stars?

 

I know what I saw.. always look for the stars!  especially when it is dark, for they are easier to see.

Today we needed a super Sunday. We all did. Seven weeks of emotion and staying strong and we all needed a ‘normal’ family super Sunday.
So the day started with lie ins (and tigers… old family joke!)… Daddy cooking pancakes, croissants and Sunday papers followed by a long dog walk.
And the day ended with a roast at Granny’s and lots of laughter as Grandpa took us through his old slides on the old projector… 
It was good to be and feel normal. Just for one day.   

The 10^th December.  It’s just a date.  Just like any other date but I am a date person.  I remember dates and times.  I think you are either a date person or not.

 

I remember dates of happy occasions, all my family and friends’ birthdays, anniversary’s, due dates and ‘first’ dates and special holidays.

 

I remember dates of less happy events due dates and birthdays that were never to be and any other significant day etched on my heart….

 

Some dates have ended up in both camps; the date we lost our first baby ended up being also the due date of Willy.

 

But the 10^th December is a date that was once such a happy one, for 12 years it was an exciting one, a celebratory one, one full of love, promise of excitement and the future.

 

And today it is a date I hold in the palm of my hand and blow in to the winds of time.  One to forget.

 

And a day I am looking forward to being over so that I can get back to feeling good again tomorrow.

 

 

The few nights away, the distance, the time by myself, entirely with my own thoughts and the space to do the work on myself has paid off.

 

The few nights away, the distance, the time by myself, entirely with my own thoughts and the space to do the work on myself has paid off.

 

Today was a peaceful, calm day and my intentions to feel good and happy started to manifest.

 

The first steps to the creation of ‘Wonderland’ taken and I have the courage to face a social engagement for the first time, my shoulders back and head held high.

 

My bold bravery has been founded, in part, by a beautiful quote that a friend sent me yesterday, which has given me hope to ‘fix’ the many broken aspects of my life:  my heart, my soul, my trust in others, my marriage, my relationships, my confidence, my lovability and self esteem.

 

“In Japan, Broken objects are often repaired with Gold.  The flaw is seen as a unique piece of the objects history, which adds to its beauty.  Consider this when you feel broken.”

 

And so while I am willing to allow the Big Man the opportunity to fill the cracks with gold and to do that together, our many friends are part of the healing process and I know they will all contribute to the beauty and unique flaws of the restoration of me, of us.

 

My emotions seem to take U-turns daily, sometimes hourly.

 

Yesterday and the day before I was consumed with hate and hurt.

 

Today, hope and humility as I break the memory cassette loop.

 

I am not sure exactly in the end what did it, but perhaps it was all of it, all the different techniques plus a good night sleep, over 10 hours, uninterrupted and non-alcohol induced.

 

Yesterday, one of the exercises in my book was to answer ‘what brings you joy?’.  Being in such a negative place, I was frustrated and angered by the question and threw the book down as I couldn’t think!  I couldn’t answer that question..  each answer taking me back in to the negative memory loop.

 

But today, through my morning practice of mindfulness, the answers became clear.  Being refreshed from sleep, the meditation practice was less of an ‘escape’ from the reality of recent weeks but back to how I love to use the time:  to remind myself of how much I have to be grateful for and revel in those warm, glowy feelings of gratitude.

 

I have family.  So much family love and support from both sides, parents, siblings, extended family, dogs and cats, all there, stalwart no matter what decisions I, we, take.  Providing strength and unity.

 

I have friends.  So many friends whose warmth and arms I feel all the time as they circle around me (and us) giving the time and space needed but the open invitation to reach out at any time.

 

I have health.  Despite so much trauma and stress inflicted on me, I have had no sign of illness, not even a sniffle.  My body is slighter, but still strong and so badass.

 

I have a business and a full life.  I have a business that is running itself with loyal and valued clients and a team that has my back as well as their own.  I have a life full of opportunity and excitement waiting for me to pick it back up, people to help, children to inspire.  I can hold my head up high and put my shoulders back with pride of who I am and what I do.

 

And above all I have my men.  My little men.  My beautiful little men who are my everything and more.  And my Big Man.  A broken big man who is prepared to fix himself and at the same time spend the rest of his life fixing me and our family with selflessness and gratitude.

 

So today, I was able to answer the question – what brings me joy?

My boys, being a family, being with my Big Man; super Sundays and super Saturdays.  Love and laughter and being surrounded by family and friends. Working hard and enjoying what I do, whether I get paid or or not.

 

There is a part of me that whispers that he doesn’t deserve the chance and the opportunity to fix anything.   The same part of me that whispers that I could get hurt again.  But isn’t that fear talking?

 

So as I stood at the entrance to the park, there were two paths.  And it made me think.  Fear or love?  Grief or happiness? Pain or joy?  Show up or hide?  Hate or embrace? Leave or stay? Past or future?  Regret or create?

 

There is never just one straight path, no singular answer.  There are always crossroads and possibly with each step there is another crossroads and another choice to make.  And I have the power to determine which way to go, not based on a book or a map, but on what I can see and feel is ahead.

 

And while there may be paths, there is also the way of no path… just a great big expanse to let loose and run free through.  To run in whatever direction that feels good in that moment…the ability to run straight, fast, or meander slow …  the choice to make wrong turns, to make leaps, to falter, slip, stumble and fall… to lie there and look at the sun, the sky and the clouds and when you have caught your breath, to turn over and get back up and keep running in the direction of what feels right.

 

And when I was running free – listening to a random play list, Bon Jovi started singing. A sign reminding me to believe in love.  And to follow the path determined by your heart, your gut and instincts.

 

And as I skipped and leapt over leaves, I started to sprint.  And my goal wasn’t fairy tales and fairy land; fairyland shouts of fiction.  My goal is a life of wonder, of gratitude, of love, peace, harmony and always joy.  And I felt powerful, because I know I can create that.

 

Tony Robbins says that it is in the moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.  And in those moments of decision, you have to take decided action.  That you can’t sit on the fence.  You have to take a risk and jump all in.

 

So I am back to being Alice… but this time I am creating my own version of Wonderland.  And each time a memory has me back in the negative loop, I shout out loud, ‘I am brave and bold and I choose Wonderland!’

 

Wonderland is the future I am in control of creating and that is where I am headed.  Bags packed.  On a train.  Heading home to my men.  Heading home to my joy.

 

 

 

 

Today I could feel myself falling in to a self destructive loop, a cycle that I couldn’t get out of.

 

I did everything right;  I followed all my own advice to jolt myself out.  I took a shower, I read a book, I went for a brisk walk in nature, I went in to a busy restaurant and ordered a big fat burger and fries, I filled my head with Scottish culture and I diverted my attention with a movie at the cinema.

 

But each time I did anything, something would trigger a memory.  And my mind would leap back in to the loop.

 

For the loop is like an old cassette that I can rewind and replay.  But the only problem is someone ejected the tapes of all my memories for the last 4 years and replaced it with ones I don’t know, don’t understand.  So I fast forward, I rewind, I stop and start and try to work it out, piece it all together.

 

I know dwelling on the past isn’t helpful.  What’s the great saying? “Stop looking in your rear view mirror.  You aren’t going that way!”

 

I don’t mean to.  But so many little things provoke a dive back in to the past; a picture in a magazine, the name of a restaurant, a place, a smell, a sound… even just a word.

 

It feels like I am going slightly mad.  There is so much to understand, come to terms with.  And each time I loop, I find more.  I wish I could just press eject and put in a new soundtrack.   The Big Man wants to take it and smash it to smithereens, replace it with future happiness for our family, as a family and create and be free from the past.  It feels like he wants to wrap us all up in a big blanket and run with big strides like the BFG to the dream tree.

 

But I am not sure I am ready for that just yet.  I feel there is more to feel in the grief cycle of emotions.  I know there is more to come in the healing process that involves the memories.  Plus the future frightens me, I am moving on to a place I don’t know an can’t see, from a place I don’t know or fathom.  Dreaming leaves me open and vulnerable and I could just as easily wake up in another nightmare.

 

But in the meantime, I am back in my little bolt hole where all is new and safe.

 

For the moment, the tape is paused.

 

 

 

 

I was referred to as ‘Sweet and strong Ali’ today. It made me think of a good cup of Yorkshire tea laced with spoonfuls of sugar…. And a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt:

 

“A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong she is until it is in hot water.”

 

I don’t doubt that I am strong.  And the people who know me well, really well would agree but I also know they would wholeheartedly disagree with the ‘sweet’ bit.  There is nothing about me that is ‘sweet’… Kind, generous, loving, charming –  yes.. but there is nothing about me that contains saccharine.

 

In fact, today, I was perhaps just a little evil.  Too harsh.  Nasty maybe?

 

I have been through the numbing shock phase.  I have survived the crushing sad phase.  I vented and erupted in the anger phase.

 

And today it seems that I woke up after a deep, deep sleep, far, far away and found myself in the hate phase.  The lashing out phase, the retaliation phase wanting to hurt those that hurt me.  Distance giving me perspective and a magnifying glass on how dangerous and manipulative some people are.

 

I tried to run it off.  Throwing myself up a big hill, stumbling and slipping and grasping at the grass to keep going.

 

But it didn’t help. I am the lioness, swiping with big paws and open claws protecting my cubs…

 

Did it make me feel any better?  Perhaps.  Probably….

 

Yes.

 

I am definitely not ‘sweet’.

 

Current status:  a long way from home, frozen fingers and toes as the fire won’t stay lit, slightly pickled from over half a bottle of a very nice cotes du rhone on an empty stomach, feeling more than a little sick from eating a whole net of chocolate Brussel sprouts and a packet of comte cheese…

 

And yet liberated! …from feeling completely anonymous.   I can walk out of my front door without worrying about prying eyes, or bumping in to people I know and having to answer the question ‘how are you?’ or having to lie and put on a brave face and smile…

 

And also refreshed!  It maybe several degrees below zero but I put on my vest, bobble hat and long scarf and went for a long brisk walk … to pick up provisions of wine, cheese and chocolate.

 

The last time I was in this city, I wore a platinum blond wig, drank Crystal with the England cricket team and asked Kevin Pieterson where he was from in New Zealand (! I don’t follow cricket…had no idea who he was and they were).  I remember being very happy… I was with all my best girl friends, my boys were happy with their Daddy and I was free from responsibilities, free to have some fun, free to be me.

 

And I am here to do the same.  For the last 2 and half years I have been trying to please everyone else, make someone else happy because they were sad.  No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I reflected, changed, appreciated, loved, listened, responded and respected…  I couldn’t make them feel any better.  In July this year, as I came to terms with the loss of my Mumbo, I realised that life was finite.  And I had to make myself happy.  And they had to make themselves happy.

 

And so I did.   I let everyone and everything go and I focussed on me, my inner happiness, I built back up my own self worth, appreciated myself, felt myself sparkle and let my inner joy out.  And funnily enough, as my inner world improved, so did my outer world and I spread my light to others and love and happiness was all around us.

 

As I sat drinking my green tea on the train out of dodge, with each roll of the wheel, each chug of the train, I could feel the tension leak out of me.  I could feel my breath slow and my mind still.

 

And I reached for my book. Always a book.  And there were the words:

 

“and when I notice myself stuck in a Universal lesson, I allow myself to feel the feelings of rage and anger, and then I notice that those feelings come from a sense of not being lovable.  The fear comes from a belief that I am not good enough.  Upon realising these feelings, I compassionately guide myself back to self love.”

 

Oh lightbulb moment, she is so right.  The eruption of the last week had many underlying feelings and emotions, but right at the centre was the one I just didn’t realise – this one.  The crushing feeling of being unloved, unlovable and not good enough…. And for such an extended period without realising it, just magnified it, and with the sun shining through, it just ignited self combustion.

 

So, I am on a train.  I am on a journey back to self love, self appreciation, self congratulation, self respect and a time to be gentle to myself, put myself first and f*@k the world left behind and everyone in it…  Just for a while.

 

Just until I Gabi’s words feel true and that ‘the pathway to healing occurs when you love yourself so much that the darkness from the past can no longer co-exist with your faith in the light of the present moment.’

 

 

There is nothing about this situation that is easy.

 

But the hardest has to be seeing those flying shards of glass pierce the hearts of the young and completely innocent. The ones from the mirror being shattered by the unexpected blow of a sledge hammer from out of the blue, from afar.

 

The ones that hit you are damaging and agonizingly destructive, but not anywhere close to the soul destroying, harrowing and totally unbearable dangerous splinters as they hit their mark on those you love the most, the ones you do anything, unconditionally to protect.

 

The slivers that hit my little one, hit hard and fast.  His dramatic nature allowing his confusion and hurt to be displayed quickly, his wounds obvious and simple to tend to.  Clear and truthful explanations: we love him, we love each other but have some adult issues that need time to be resolved. And that everything will be ok.  No matter what.

 

But those that hit my sensitive, brave, big boy were almost invisible; long slivers, that imperceptibly, dangerously and quietly sank their way to pierce his resolve.  His anguish, his pain and frustrated confusion demonstrated loudly with wailing and flailing, inconsolable until he is exhausted leaving him immobile, shivering and pale.

 

His wounds cannot be healed with the same verbal explanations, despite what the experts say.  He just doesn’t understand.  His security threatened, his certainty questioned.

 

I want to take his pain away, absorb it by wrapping myself around him and holding him tight and together.

 

I want to answer his questions on when it will be ok, but I can’t.

 

So I tell him what I do know, that with patience and time, we will both be ok, we will all be ok.

 

And the shards of the mirror will be gone. The scars healed and just reminders of how strong and brave we were and always will be.