I have learnt over the last year that it is just important to celebrate the small stuff as it is the big stuff. So I celebrated not having to crawl back into bed, hiding from the world after getting the boys off to school…
Does that mean I am venturing off my rocky sea bed?
Only yesterday morning, I know I was still there, weighted down with emotion and decisions and thoughts and triggers of bad memories.
I am learning that there is so much that triggers and fires up my negative emotions and turmoil. And those emotions turn to anger. A natural reaction in this situation as anger is like adrenalin and an analgesic to numb the pain of those triggered thoughts and memories. But it only lasts so long. The energy to sustain the anger for too long is too great on too little sleep and too little food. And the crash can be just as dramatic as the outburst, leaving me soulless, lifeless and desperate.
But today there is neither. No crash. No eruption. So that is something to celebrate and commend myself for also.
There are still thoughts. Many thoughts following a particular question our therapist asked me yesterday in a joint session. And I know writing it out will help, rather than let it circle like a preying eagle in my mind..
“The question isn’t necessarily can you forgive him and all of his actions, his choices, but can you can you forgive enough?”
And in that moment, so many thoughts rush through my head.
She told me that she knew I would forgive him. And because of that, part of me doesn’t want to. Because it reminds me that she knew all about me, stalked me on social media, read my blogs, lived in my house, came to my home and I knew nothing about her. And I don’t want to be the person she ‘knows’. So I don’t want to forgive.
But why would I want her to have a hold on me? Let her manipulate me, like she did him? So that is one thought or reason to let go.
So if I can forgive him enough, does that let him off the hook? Does that condone what he did? And would anyone else understand how and why I could? Should I really care what others think? I actually do. I have been surrounded by ‘friends’ before who have supported me to my face, but whispered behind my back and that is just cruel and intensifies the pain, prolongs the healing. So I do care because going forward, I will be so careful about who my friends are, who I confide in.
I know I am super sensitive about what others think right now. Which is so frustrating, having spent the last year or so really trying to care less, focussing more on me, what I want to be and represent in my life, pleasing myself rather than pleasing others or conforming to social etiquette and standing.
But one of the questions that hurts me most, is the first question asked of him, ‘is it really want you want? Is your future with her?’
Whenever I had heard about infidelity in others, my first reaction was always that it was probably more to do with the other person in the relationship, rather than the one that strayed. So I understand their reaction. I know I am far from perfect – a tendency to be be bossy, moody, difficult and ‘hard work’, but the question only adds to my current huge sense of being unlovable, being worthless, boring or just ‘not nice’ to be around according to our ‘mutual’ friends.
And it suddenly dawns on me that that is why I have remained in my watery recluse for all this time. Because not only do I feel unloved by him, but by everyone else too?
That is one hell of a pity party to throw for myself.
When I know deep down that this is not about me at all.
It is all about him. It always was. And that is not my story to tell.
My story is the one that my Reiki practitioner saw and felt today: the elephant on the move, bringing her herd with her, the turtle swimming in shallow water and the bat turning in to the swallow to fly away and all the while, diamonds, fine jewellery, sweets and dresses falling all around.
My story is that I know what I want and I am on a mission to forgive enough and move on (elephant meaning strength), but taking each day as it comes (the turtle meaning wisdom to not react, simply accepting but also with water meaning intuition) on a new adventure for a new beginning (the swallow is often linked to sailing experiences and hope for new beginnings). And while I am on this journey, there will be an abundance of wealth and riches (the jewels! And I think the dresses are just symbolic for me… ).