Today was about the journey.  
The destination known, the dream of sunshine, friendship, release and relief, distance and space. 
The miles to travel 8,445.9: 3 trains, one shuttle done and a plane to go.
Today was all about the journey and enjoying the company of my two awesome little travel companions aka bag carriers!
A bowl of pasta to eat and then we are bugging out and plugging in…
Au revoir!

I love the fact that when you set a goal, when you set an intention, the world, the universe, people and actions all conspire to make it happen.

 

Setting my goals yesterday to be ‘Happy’ only ones, and already, the cogs turned to help me on my way. A forgotten present arrived this afternoon from one of my most close and trusted friends, and interestingly one who doesn’t read my blog, doesn’t do social media and so had no idea as to my intention.

 

It was a book and a bracelet.  The bracelet had a charm of a tree.  A sign to me, to remind me to stay grounded, firmly with my roots, but also to keep growing, and reaching higher, spreading my branches wider.

 

But is the book… the book that made my heart sing and believe even more in the power of intention and the magic that ensues…   It is bright yellow, sunshine yellow.  And it is called…. ‘Get Happy’!  Each day there is a passage or a quote on how to get happy.  120 lessons on how to find lasting happiness.

 

Today’s lesson was a reminder that happiness only comes from things you need, not necessarily from what you want.  After a run through the muddy fields today, in the welcome freezing fresh air, I needed a long drink but also a hot shower.  A basic need that was so appreciated as the hot water soothed my skin and achy limbs.

 

Now the book made me smile and feel happy with gratitude, but as I was packing my bags for Africa, panicking I had too much, my blond bestie texted me to say ‘you barely need anything and happiness can do the washing’…. Happiness? Happiness does washing?!  I do have a basic need to live in clean clothes and I appreciate my washing machine daily, especially with 3 boys/ men… but to have someone else to relieve me of duties for a week?

 

Now that is Happiness Appreciated with a capital H and A on purpose as a nod to the power of the universal law of attraction.

 

“The basic root of happiness lies in our minds; outer circumstances are nothing more than adverse of favourable’ Matthiew Ricard from the book of ‘get happy’.

 

 

A wonderfully compassionate friend sent me a photo of a quote from the magazine she was reading and it sent my thought process off on a new tangent, particularly related to the way I was feeling and contemplating the end of a year and the start of another.

 

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem but the truth is that things don’t really get solved.  They come together and they fall apart.  Then they come together again and fall apart again.  It is just like that.  The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen, room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”

 

Typically, at this time of year I like to reflect on the year, review the goals and plans I set in motion at the start of the year and reset and refocus for the year ahead.  For many years this has been an uplifting experience, goals being met, plans ‘coming together’ but for the last few, as much as I have wanted to draw pleasure on the positives, there have been elements of frustration as events outside my control have meant plans have ‘fallen apart’.

 

Given my latest unshackling and processing life by ‘letting go’, I have this year let go of my extensive goal setting for life, love, career, finances, health and family.

 

And instead, I have taken on a mission.  A mission I found inside my Book of Joy.

 

MISSION: Choose ONE SINGLE WORD that describes what you’d like to work on in 2017.

The idea is to select a concept to keep in mind as you navigate the year ahead. A single North Star for your journey.

(By the way, do yourself a favor and choose a word you’re prepared to take on. If it’s not the right year for you to do something, don’t set yourself up for disappointment.)

 

It is no surprise that I chose the word for my north star as ‘happiness’.

 

Rather than setting SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, timebound) goals, I am setting HAPPY goals.  In each of the slices of the pie of life, my goal is happiness.  What will make me feel and be happy on that day, in that moment?

 

As I sit here with my feet up, my pj’s on, my belly full, with my family around me, I can reflect on a year of personal plans and a private world that ‘fell apart’ more than once and be proud that I dusted myself off, drew on inner peace, core strength and centred my ‘coming together’ on principles of love, joy, abundance and the pursuit of happiness.

 

Tomorrow may be the start of a new year, but it is also the start of a new month and as every day, a new day.  A new day to find happiness.

I remember reading the beautiful quote at the end of October that Autumn was about to show us how beautiful letting go was.  The process of the leaves on the trees transforming from bold greens to the brighter, beautiful hues of golds, reds and yellows, making the countryside look spectacularly on fire, before floating down to carpet the forests and pathways.

 

At the time I saw it representing my life events and how entrancing, liberating and remarkable letting go of a marriage, a relationship, a life, a home could potentially be.  Just like a caterpillar emerges from its cocoon, unfurling and spreading its colourful, quivering wings before taking that first tentative flight, spreading and sharing its natural beauty.

 

Shortly after the leaves had fallen, and the trees were spindly and bare, I transitioned from the ‘letting go’ to the ‘returning to love’ quote phase.

 

At the time, I interpreted the passages as being willing to love him again or allowing myself to love another.

 

But now, a couple of months on, I see how much pressure I was putting on myself to ‘let go’ and also ‘to love’ at the same time, the same person, the same life!

 

And just as my life was flipped inside out and I started to see the truth of reality, I can now flip these interpretations.  I am now releasing myself from any pressure.  I am letting go.  But I am letting go of the need to make any decision, to make any decided course of action to follow.  I am letting go of feeling the need to do or be willing to do anything.  I am living in each moment.  Every now and then, I ask myself what I want to let go of, so that I can move on, make progress.

 

And the love.  The return to love doesn’t have to be a return to love of anyone, except myself.  To allow myself to love my life, allow myself to be in love with what I do and who I am, not what anyone else does or who and what they are.  Just to love what I am doing and who I am being in the moment.

 

I am letting go and just loving.

 

Right now, I let go of trying to be right at tea time with argumentative little boys and I am loving the peace and quiet of my bedroom,  the tap of my keys on my laptop and the quiet breathing of my calmer heart.

 

 

 

The Butterfly Effect.  Going back in time to alter the course of events, but in doing so create a ripple effect of change that can radically transform life in the present.

 

In the past few weeks I haven often thought about it.  Going back in time, saying something different, doing something else.  When would I go back to?  10 weeks ago as I was about to pick up the phone?  6 months ago when I was desperately unhappy and confused?  12 months ago as I was home alone and wondering why?  2.5 years ago?  4 years ago?

 

What would have happened if I had never had the guts to say I was miserable working all hours in a job that didn’t make me happy?  What would have happened if I hadn’t made positive changes then…

 

What would have happened if I hadn’t started my blog, my outlet for learnings, ponderings, thoughts and truths.

 

What if?

 

What if it would have made the situation worse?

 

What if it would have made reality now far better?

 

What if nothing changed?

 

It all made my head go round and round, driving me crazy.  You can’t change the past, nor should you want to try.  You can’t predict the future, nor should you want to.

 

So it is all just a stark reminder that living in the present moment is the only way to remain sane, happy, content.  To look for the joy in the small things…. Like friendships, eating delicious curry, watching magic shows, clapping at dance routines, walking in the cold, cold beautiful frozen countryside and finding frosty cobwebs.

 

Temptation.  To think about doing something you know you shouldn’t.

 

Execution.  Making a decision to do it anyway, in the heat of the moment.  Why shouldn’t you?

 

Addiction.  Not stopping when you know you should, but the elicit and exciting nature of it, knowing you can’t have it, making you want it even more.

 

Realisation and Regret.  The agony of it.  Suffering the consequences.  The consequences that have you doubled in chronic pain, sickness, tears, anguish.

 

Solutions or medicines, in their many forms.  From a bottle, from a packet, compassion and sympathy from someone who loves you, the healing of time passing; one or all of the above to help you finally be at peace.

 

And that just describes Willy today.  His frustration and resentment at being ‘gluten free’.  His defiance at what he was, what he was being denied because of it.

 

Temptation triggered by anger.  Crossing the line to just take one bite of a breadstick took him on this journey.   While he may be sleeping and snoring peacefully now, I don’t think he will be doing that again in a hurry.

 

Well, not for a few months, maybe years; when the pain of the episode has faded, the damage healed and invisible to the eye and perhaps the frustration gets too intense and the temptation too great…

 

 

 

3 books.

3 words.

Happy.

Joy.

Touch.

 

I am believing more and more that you can pick up a book and open a page and find what you need to read, see or hear.

 

I used to only ever have one book on the go. Could never understand people who had more.  But now that my home is my space, my haven, the OCD rules relaxed and I can have books, open, spine up or down, casually placed or littering whatever surface, arm chair end, shelf or bathroom I please.

 

Yesterday I took 10 minutes of the quiet time to read a little more of Gabrielle Bernstein’s ‘The Universe has got your back’ and the first line I read was ‘Take a moment to get crystal clear about how you want to feel.  What does it feel like to be in a place of joy? Write about it now.’

 

So I did.  And given my journaling and writing, I know and remember exactly how it feels.  Writing embeds and reinforces feelings, thoughts, goals and locks it in.  I remember writing about being joy.  And how I felt.  I was dancing.  I was skipping.  I was in love. I was Happy with a capital H!   I was fulfilled by life.  I was on purpose.  I was energised and sparkly and full of smiles.  I was grateful, abundant, full to bursting of being and feeling enough.  I remember exactly how I felt when I wrote about being Joy in a green dress and blue hair. ‘I am joy!’  October 7^th.  Not that long ago.

 

Happy.

 

The second part of the exercise was then to ask for a sign.  A sign for guidance.  A sign that you are on the right path to achieving that feeling you desire in the words that you have written down.  The sign could be anything… a picture, a sign, a song, a word, letters, numbers, a sequence… anything.  Anything that can be a nod from the Universe to say you are heading in the right direction.

 

True to self, I over thought it, kept swinging from word to word or animal or thing.  So I walked away, let it go.  It would come to me when I cleared my head.

 

Joy.

 

The word, my sign. Of course.

 

And this morning just as I was heading out for a run, I saw it, an old book I bought a few years ago, that I had forgotten about ‘The Book of Awakening’ by Mark Nepo.  A wonderful book with a small passage for each day and probably how my subconscious decided I should write a daily blog.  I flicked to the current date.  The daily quote said, ‘If all I have is Now, where will I look for Joy?’.    Joy.  My sign. My heart skipped a beat.   I was on the right path.  Running.  My time to let go, live in the moment, breathe and get out of breath.

 

And the passage that followed was beautiful.  And it rang so true and calmed my very soul, explaining the tug of war between the future, the past and how to stay present in the moment.

 

The Universe book also said that your sign needs to be a billboard, so clear that you cannot deny it.  I was shopping, grabbing just a few items for supper, different to turkey, ham and pork pie.  As I did, I subconsciously decided I should offer to cook supper for my parents in law after they had been so generous, compassionate, caring over a very emotional couple of festive days.  And as I threw the groceries in to the basket, I walked under a big sign… bla bla bla.. JOY!

 

A clear a sign as any that my family, extended family are to be kept close.

 

And that closeness, that sense of connection brought me to my last word.  The words I read in my last book of the day.

 

Touch.

 

In the little book of Hygge it reminds us that ‘Touch releases the neurohormone oxytocin, which makes us feel happy and reduces stress, fear and pain.’

 

I miss touch.  I miss closeness.  I miss closeness to him.  I miss connection and skin and warmth from the outside but also from the inside.  The invisible thread of connection, without communication, without words; just intuition, a piece of your heart in another’s, beating to the same rhythm.

 

I withdrew radically for someone so tactile, so used to connection.  And in hindsight I can see that added to my heightened stress, fear and pain. But the destruction of trust, the sudden distrust of my own heart did that, because my heart is part of his and his mine.

 

With foresight and having read those lines in my little book of hygge, touch and connection will play more of a part in the healing process as I move on.

 

So with touch to reconnect me and joy to guide me, I am firmly on my way in the pursuit of happiness.

 

***

Passage from The Book of Awakening

 

December 27

 

If all I have is Now,

Where will I look for Joy?

 

Without hope for the future, without hope that things will change, with no hope of finding what’s been lost, and no hope of restoring the past, with only the risk to crack open all that has hardened about me, what will I do with what I have?

 

At first, this might seem scary or sad, but as a tired swimmer comes ashore surprised to find pearls washing through is legs, I lift my tired head again and again to find all I need is right where I am.

 

But being human, I stray and dream of lives others than my own, and soon I am busy wanting something else, somewhere else, someone else; busy imagining something just out of reach to strive for.

 

It leads me to say if you are unhappy or in pain, nothing will remove these surfaces.  But acceptance and a  strong heart will crack them like a shell, exposing a softness that has always been, exposing a soft thing waiting to take form.  It glows.  I think it is the one spirit we all share.

 

 

A rare day.

A day where my head was calm, the constant chatter and dialogue turned down to almost mute.

A day where I could enjoy living in the moment.

A day with a morning savouring the precious moments of family lego time, family sprinting in the glorious Boxing Day sunshine.

A day to enjoy the company of beautiful friends who welcome us as we are, more than a little sad, broken and consumed by shame but still offer us cheese, gin and conversation.

A day to enjoy quiet moments at the end of the day, together.

A rare day.

 

I look forward to the next one with anticipation already.

 

 

In a day when I thought there would be none, I found some.

 

The first card I opened and the words ‘Joy’ emblazoned across it.

 

As I made the scrambled eggs, I knocked my little elf ‘Joy’ from her perch.

 

Once the frenzy of present opening had died down, and the mass exodus to find wellies and coats, I found the time and peace to open my first present and it was ‘The Book of Joy’.

 

Despite my inner turmoil and desperately sad head, the universe was reminding me to find some and to keep looking for it, no matter how hard it was and emotional I was feeling.

 

And as I get in to bed, I realise the day started with it and a little whisper in my ear at 5am, ‘Do you think he has been?’ and a wriggly body and little arm flung over my neck;  ‘Do you think I should go and check?’  Willy’s joyful excitement and wonder creeping in to my sleepy consciousness.

 

And as I get in to bed, I realise the day was littered with moments of joy;  the boys in silly hats, their shaking and dancing delight over magnets and fibre tip pens in their stockings;  a surprise visit from a friend bearing gifts; finding all the cousins hiding in Willy’s den, happy painting their faces with war paint; a walk to the pub to find it full of honest, lovely, genuine friends; preparing the meal with my mother and sister in law, all in sync from the years of love and mutual respect; moments of calm and truce with the Big Man after allowing the brewing storm to manifest; kissing the soft, silky skin of very tired boys.

 

And as I get in to bed, I realise the day ended with it as I read the words from my book of joy,

 

“Every Day is a new opportunity to begin again.  Every day is your birthday.”

 

Rather apt for Christmas Day, the most famous birthday of all.

 

And a reminder to myself to see tomorrow as a new opportunity to begin again, and the next day and the next day and forever more, to make each one more joy filled than the one before.

 

 

 

 

Everything to do with the Father Christmas stocking has been my pleasure, my joy.  The purchasing of all the tit bits, chocolate coins, top trump cards, stationary paraphernalia, books and the compulsory orange and nuts…

 

I love filling the sacks, scattering the root veg left, spilling the port / wine / beer, taking a bite of the mince pie or sausage roll and making the reindeer ‘mess’.

 

And then I have loved creeping in to bed with the Big Man to watch the Christmas Eve movie, still tiddly from post Christmas Eve Crib Service drinks and smile and think how lucky I am.

 

I love Christmas Eve and the excitement and belief in the boys’ eyes.

 

I love tradition.

I love the comfort of routine and habit.

 

And yet while I fill the sacks and scatter the sparkly oaty mess down the corridor, part of the routine and comfort is missing.  A big gaping hole.  There is no Big Man to snuggle to, smile with, count my blessings with.

 

But rather than feel sorry for myself, I feel strangely calm, reflective.  This is what he wanted apparently, according to messages I have seen from this year, from last year.  So the moral is perhaps to be careful what you wish for.

 

The power of manifestation, the power of what you focus on grows and what you ignore diminishes.

 

I was wishing for and being grateful for honesty and truth and love.  And all my wishes have come true, my gratitudes magnified just in a very different way and very different channel than I expected.

 

As my secret teaching said today – you provide the mould, the universe fills it.