I remember reading the beautiful quote at the end of October that Autumn was about to show us how beautiful letting go was. The process of the leaves on the trees transforming from bold greens to the brighter, beautiful hues of golds, reds and yellows, making the countryside look spectacularly on fire, before floating down to carpet the forests and pathways.
At the time I saw it representing my life events and how entrancing, liberating and remarkable letting go of a marriage, a relationship, a life, a home could potentially be. Just like a caterpillar emerges from its cocoon, unfurling and spreading its colourful, quivering wings before taking that first tentative flight, spreading and sharing its natural beauty.
Shortly after the leaves had fallen, and the trees were spindly and bare, I transitioned from the ‘letting go’ to the ‘returning to love’ quote phase.
At the time, I interpreted the passages as being willing to love him again or allowing myself to love another.
But now, a couple of months on, I see how much pressure I was putting on myself to ‘let go’ and also ‘to love’ at the same time, the same person, the same life!
And just as my life was flipped inside out and I started to see the truth of reality, I can now flip these interpretations. I am now releasing myself from any pressure. I am letting go. But I am letting go of the need to make any decision, to make any decided course of action to follow. I am letting go of feeling the need to do or be willing to do anything. I am living in each moment. Every now and then, I ask myself what I want to let go of, so that I can move on, make progress.
And the love. The return to love doesn’t have to be a return to love of anyone, except myself. To allow myself to love my life, allow myself to be in love with what I do and who I am, not what anyone else does or who and what they are. Just to love what I am doing and who I am being in the moment.
I am letting go and just loving.
Right now, I let go of trying to be right at tea time with argumentative little boys and I am loving the peace and quiet of my bedroom, the tap of my keys on my laptop and the quiet breathing of my calmer heart.