So the wind howled all through the night, whipping around the corners and through the trees. And her roof stayed on.  She remained whole and stable.

 

But the big horse chestnut at the bottom of the garden, at the entrance to the field didn’t fare so well, almost splitting in two. One very large limb, laying supine, immobile across the field.  No amount of healing will put it back together again, no glue, nor love.  It’s dead wood.

 

It makes me feel rather sad. Sad for the tree. Sad for the metaphoric reality.  I may have been able to heal and mend, whereas it seems that for others, it may not be an option.

 

Ophelia….  An unexpected hurricane.  If I have learnt anything, once the hurricane has gone, there is peace.  Accept the disruption, perhaps even devastation and then come the rainbows, the light, the colour and you could even say, rebirth.

 

 

 

When I walked through the front door of Prospect House back in January, I felt at home. I felt at peace. I felt that this was a place of healing, of calm and somewhere I could see a future for our family.

Perhaps that is because metaphorically, we are one and the same. She is proud. She stands strong. She is surrounded by beauty. She has been badly broken by a third party, patched up, with danger warning tape – don’t come too close, don’t touch or she will crumble. Underneath the ivy that stifles her, behind the trees that are blocking her face from the sun, is someone who just wants to be seen for who she is … and still loved.

She is a project house. A house where her traditions, history and unique proportions will be honoured and yet a house we will modernise and improve and make breathtaking and awesome.

She is a lot like me. I am a project. A never ending one. Always craving improvement…

She is a lot like me. As we strip away that ivy, I no longer feel stifled by the judgements of others. As we take down the trees and let in the sun, I feel the warmth of friends and family we let back into our lives. And next week, like the warning tape that will be removed by builders, perhaps the passing of the year mark will also allow me to remove my own.

 

And tonight, I hear the wind;  the wind of a hurricane passing through.  I hope she is strong enough to keep it together;  she is my inspiration; she is my strength and security.

Sunday.  WE have had plenty of Super Sundays.  Some Super, Duper Sundays.

 

But today was a Proper Sunday.  Just as it should be.

 

I still feel uncomfortable, sometimes, recognising the good things that have come out of the bad.  But in keeping ourselves tightly away to reflect alone, without influence and judgement, we had time to refocus on the important things in life.  Family.

 

Simply family.  No fuss.  Family around a table.  Family in the fresh air.  Family finding their own space to rest, yet always coming back together.

 

Just as it should be on Sundays.

 

As I blew out the candles and popped the last few left over after eights into my mouth, I thought how lucky I am. We are.

Good food, good wine, peaceful home, healthy happy boys and loving friends who have held us together, more than they could ever know.

As I blew out the candles of yesterday, I realised it was already tomorrow. And we have plenty of matches to spark a new light for today.

Who was it who said, what goes up, must come down?  I can’t remember?  One of the great and wonderful philosophers…

 

My high of Wednesday was so stratospheric, that I must have lost oxygen to the brain, for I forgot that philosophy or law of physics and so the crash back to real life was rather an unpleasant one.

 

It started yesterday.  The anxiety creeping in; settling around my temples, inching round my head and down my back.  I have been avoiding it with distractions; reiki, cooking, running, cardio tennis, coffees and teas….

 

That anxiety is that little bit of my mind left, tugging my heart strings, reminding me of what happened last time I twirled around in joy.  That anxiety filtering around the rest of my limbic brain to get ready for flight or fight mode, getting me in to the ‘ready’ position to react or respond to whatever is going to get thrown at me, while I am in my euphoric state.

 

Little warning events – the boys in a bus crash, my own near miss car crash, a rumour I reacted badly to – all tugging me further down to look at reality.

 

Part of my coursework was to look at perfection and progress and what they meant to me in my current moment, my current reality.

 

I am suspicious of perfect… it is usually a façade with hidden imperfections. And I have learnt that the true beauty of something or someone is in the imperfections, inviting intrigue, vulnerability and curiosity.  That’s true beauty.  For me anyway.

 

Perfect is quite possibly boring. Nothing to discuss, nothing to improve, nowhere for you eye to rest.

 

Whereas progress, it’s a journey:  looking back there is accomplishment, fulfilment; looking forward, there is excitement, opportunity, no matter how far you look in either direction.

 

So, is my current reality perfect?  No.  But what about progress… my god, I, we have made progress.  In one year, maybe more than some people do in a lifetime.  Is there more to be had?  Absolutely.  Whatever the goal, whatever the dream, I am determined to enjoy the journey and keep picking myself back up, keep going and with each step be grateful I can.

 

The ups and downs are part of that journey;  Isaac Newton was right… but also what goes down, can also bounce back up.

 

I have been looking forward to today for a while. Today was Reiki day.

 

Today, I got to float off to my ‘zen garden’ and find and untangle the weeds, loosen the knots and free myself from ‘this world’ and tap in to another.  Today is the day I find out what my body, my aura, my energy is trying to tell me.  Through the medium of reiki, I finally get to see the images and messages and connect with my intuition.

 

As always, initially the images don’t make much sense.

 

AT first, this time, it is all quite dark.  A City, dark, sooty and hidden by dark clouds and shadows.  Bible scenes, the most prevalent, Jesus with Judas at the last supper.  A gingerbread house being broken to pieces. And a closed blue door taped with a cross for no entry.

 

An elephant.  Always.  My elephant at my heart, joined by a penguin and strangely, an octopus.

 

Perhaps the penguin was the turning point, signifying that things are not as serious as at first they look, because then the mood lifted.  The gingerbread house was being broken so that it could be eaten and the feeling surrounding it was one of joyfulness.  The last supper, was a family feast. And a universal presence arrived to suck away all the soot and dark from the city.

 

And when I look in to the meaning of the symbols, characters and stories playing around in the energy of my relaxed state, they parallel real life as it has been, as it is now and how my gut for the future feels.

 

The city and the clear skies represent the sense of community and belonging we feel in our new home, the freedom and hope that embodies us.  This is only confirmed with the gingerbread home, for eating gingerbread refers to the comforts of home, and we were feasting on ours!  We are in a happy place, settled, at peace.

 

The colour blue was omnipresent; in the skies, the door and also always a strong chakra for me as it represents communication.  This blue only reinforces my optimism for the future and my clarity of mind.  I have made my decisions.  I have made my choice.  I have made my bed, my home and found a career direction and path I am both passionate and excited about.  Blue.  Always been my favourite colour.

 

And so to Jesus, the last supper.  I had focused on Judas, worrying that betrayal in whatever form would reappear in my life.  But the penguin was right – I was wrong to jump to conclusions, that I needed to change my area of focus.  For it is Jesus and the feast that is the intuitive message I take from this.

 

To see Jesus is a good thing, whether you are a believer in the Christian faith or not, for he foretells that your greatest desires and dreams will be realised.  His image serves to strengthen resolve in times of adversity so you can rise above any situation and be victorious.  Regardless of my belief in faith, I see this strongly as a belief in myself.  I have accomplished so much in this last year, one dream, a family united, stronger through love and miracles, why not all my other dreams?

 

And to dine with others signifies acceptance.  And perhaps this period of peace we have entered is the sign that we have accepted what has happened, accepted what is and what will be.

 

It also signifies that experiences should be shared.  Although, some would and continue to fiercely disagree.

 

And this leads to the blue door.  The locked door, entry barred by tape.  The blue of communication; tape trying to silence me.  The door signifying someone blocking my progress.

 

I am not sure that is what my intuition is telling me, for my intuition and my gut already tells me to cut down the tape and smash through the door!  I am not one for quiet or secrets.

 

The door was specifically a front door and when I research that, a front door indicates that I am shielding myself from the influences of the outside world.  Now that makes more sense.

 

With my elephant in my heart keeping me strong and the Octopus reminding me that my judgement should not be clouded by the thoughts of others, I know that is a door that I am going to open and walk proudly, confidently through.

 

Thanks be to the symbol of Jesus!

 

 

 

 

Today, it felt as though I have come full circle.

Incredible to think that just a year ago I wrote that ‘I am joy’! The day I discussed the characters from the film with the boys and how they recognised the ‘Joy’ in me.

Incredible to think that wind forward a few days, that joy was to be sucked out of me and that ‘Joy’ would have to take a backseat while Sadness, Anger, Fear and Disgust, in turn, played the leading role in my character.

Looking back at the journey of the past year, I believe they each needed to take a seat at the steering wheel.  They each needed to work through their strong related emotions before they moved on to allow the next driver forward.  Some of them even needed multiple turns.

But finally, Joy is back at the helm.  I felt her.  It was her turn again.

She has been patient.  She knew the only way to come back was to do just that.  To wait.  To let the other emotions vent and let it all out and let it all go, before they were quiet enough for her to be heard.

She has been busy.  She was busy writing, then focussing on her list.  Her list that answered her mantra, her mission, her motto, ‘Do what brings you joy, so you can bring joy to others.’  As she repeated it, whispered it over and over, the messages did get through; little by little, small acts that brought joy became daily habits.

Those daily habits and moments of joy became something to be grateful for each day.  And those acts of joy and thoughts of gratitude turned to glimmers of hope that one day there would be days like today.

Days like today when there are so many moments of deep joy that punch you right in the stomach, that are so intense, so beautiful that they make your eyes smart.  The moment of sheer pride as your son takes his beautiful stride and strong hands from the mid line to dive to score the perfect try in the first few moments;  the moment of heaven ward thanks and gratitude for a happy little son, confident after being so timid for so long;  the moment of deep contentment and love as we all curl around each other on the sofa this evening;  the moment when you feel relief at having found good friends in a new place and are really delighted to see, and old friends you love welcoming in to a new life;  the moment of strength as you scroll past all those evil messages and pictures in the mind and say ‘whatever! You are not going to take my joy today.’

Days like today, a day that is going to end with the same line as I ended my blog a year ago.

“I feel so much better being in my natural state of yellow!  I am joy!  I had such a fun day!”

Well, Mr Saucepan head and Horrid Henry were far easier costumes to muster together than this year’s request..   Was it even Horrid Henry?  I remember the ‘Alien in Underpants’ costume that was just brilliant; the same costume Willy discarded 2 minutes before time to leave to school .. and the only thing we could think of on the spot, was Saucepan Head.

 

This year, with a little more time, I spent a fun half hour rummaging for just the right things in the charity shops close by.  I tea died sheets!  Something I haven’t done before…  Had a party with flour on the balcony.  And spent 3 hours stitching so that my fingers are raw and questioning what on earth I was thinking!

 

Why didn’t I just buy costumes off Amazon like the Big Man suggested?

 

Why??  And now I have another 2 hours of sewing to go….but secretly quite happy to do so and secretly quite pleased with the results!

 

The countdown for World Book Day is on…

 

I am lighting candles tonight, the candles given to me this weekend as a house warming gift by a dear friend.

I am lighting candles tonight for a friend, who is in the place I was just under a year ago.

I am lighting these candles tonight to send the same sentiments to my friend, that my friend brought me in those dark times.

I am lighting these candles tonight for anyone and everyone in a sad and lonely place, where the heart aches for love, the soul yearns for happiness and their world longs for peace.

I am lighting these candles tonight for me.  For everyone.

Time passes so quickly these days.   In a good way.  But watching the boys grow and flourish right now, makes me realise how fast a decade of years has gone by.

Time has a habit of speeding up the older I get, the older they get.  So will it feel like another blink of an eye before the next 10 years shoot past?

These last couple of weekends, we have been one boy down; either on camp or sporting activities, a situation I had thought would imbalance our family weekends.

But actually, they did the reverse.

Some full attention, quality time, one to one, man to mum time, allowing them to choose what they wanted to do to fill the time.  Their characters clear – food, booting balls and fast car movies for one; hours of filming to perfect the skateboard ollie and even more hours of Pictionary for the other.

In ten years’ time, when I am sat wondering where the last 10 years went, I know that these kinds of days, these moments will be abundant in my memories.  For a few caught moments of time a week, with just my boys, getting to know them, letting them feel my love wholly, rather than halved with another or splintered with doing work or jobs is so important.  Those will be the precious ones in amongst the many others of precious happy family memories.