Two things caught my eye today and that have played on my mind, mulled over…

The first was my motivational saying for the day:

“Not better than everyone, better than the old you”

And the second was a fantastic article about a CEO’s interpretation of the value of people based on how much money they made and the response of a teacher to that interpretation.

The first one really got me thinking as I was doing the drive to and from school. We do actually live in a society that feels like everyone is no longer just trying to keep up with the Jones’… but actually trying to out-do ‘the Jones’’! Or maybe it is just the social circle I am in… I don’t know. Or maybe that is just my perception and interpretation of it…

Anyway… regardless…

This is such a good mantra to have at the forefront of our minds for both business and life…   If we set our goals on the perception of what other people have … wealth, happiness, fitness, figure, car, house, sofa, number of children, title, pay cheque… we will never be satisfied as there will always be someone else that has something more that we do…

People who know me well will share that I am not averse to competition, in fact, I think competition is healthy! However, this principle is so much healthier as it means we are always winning! If we keep improving ourselves, this will compound over time and we will always feel satisfied, always reach our goal, always have the pom poms out to cheer ourselves on. We will always feel motivated to keep on bettering ourselves in a good way.

This is something, I am so going to instill in my family and encourage my children especially to do.

And the second article was just brilliant. When a rich CEO belittled a Teacher for what she made, she took him down a few pegs. While he was focused on making money, she reminded him that it was her work as a teacher that helped made the children in her class feel valued, like a winner; made them question, wonder, imagine; she made them read and write; made them feel safe and secure… and ultimately she MADE them in to the CEO’s of the future…

What an amazing response.

Our value isn’t in the money that we make, but in the value that we give to, show and share with others. And especially to those who are more vulnerable, younger, who look up to us…

Value in terms of material things are not eternal, the latest super car soon becomes dated, the latest fashion accessory soon becomes passé, houses, jewels cannot be taken with you to the grave or to the next life (if that’s what you believe). And while they can be handed down through the generations, will they actually be valued or just a collectors piece… even sold?

The teacher’s response is profound and thought provoking, because feelings, attitudes, core values can be eternal and will live on in the lives that continue afterwards. Behaviours are duplicated and appreciated again and again, generation through generation. To love and live and be part of the life of a child, to give time more than money or possessions is far more valuable.. in my humble opinion.

And I am therefore eternally grateful, that I now have the opportunity to spend more time with my sons than I do in an office. I have gratitude daily for that… It is always number one on my gratitude list.

My favourite bit about today …

‘ I love my Dad’…. Tom says out of the blue as we are driving home. Big Daddy Morts is definitely Tom’s hero and he misses him loads while his away in the week.

‘I love you too Mum. Just the same. You take me to school and back every day. I love you.’

At that point, I had little mini replicas of me dancing around my head with pom poms…. Doing the can can! Rejoicing and being the biggest cheerleader of me. Snow White is singing a merry tune… although short lived, only to be drowned out by Tom’s rendition of One Direction.

Dobby is trying to get a word in… and I faintly hear him ask… ‘Does that mean he didn’t love you before you took him to school’… but he is swished away by countless flying pom poms very quickly…booted out by a flying high kick…

I am my biggest critic. I have the biggest stick to beat myself up with. For not doing things right or perfectly, for not doing enough, never enough… the constant feeling of guilt that I should be doing more or even something else.

I am not too proud to admit I have been seeking professional help to get me through some of the grief, guilt and anger that I have been feeling, and sometimes overwhelming me following all the change and loss in the last few months. And one of the things we discussed this morning was my big stick.

Why do I carry such a big stick to beat myself up with? To keep me motivated was my gut answer.

Does it motivate you to do more, be more? No.

How does it make you feel? Bad. Sad. Frustrated.

So why do you keep carrying it, using it? I don’t know. Habit?

What can you do instead? ?????…….. Be a cheer leader……?

So the pom pom’s in my head tonight following Tom’s comment, may have been there initially in response to congratulate me on making brave decision to be more present in my boys’ lives… but they were also there cheering me on and duplicating and duplicating out in to a pom pom, can can dancing frenzy as I realized that the stick wasn’t there…. And I felt GOOD! I felt happy… and definitely motivated to do more, to be more involved in the boys’ lives. If they feel loved, then that is all that matters.

Motivation… many different factors can motivate people in different ways. Professionally and now personally, I believe and have seen and felt that the best motivation comes from praise…   I also notice more and more that the boys are far more responsive to motivational praise than they are of motivational fear or reprimand.

So I say, get your pom poms out and give out praise where praise is due… and especially to yourself….

xx

Sunday night.

Again!

Where did the week go. Another week!

It feels like each week passes quicker, each month… and almost at another year end. I honestly feel like we just had last Christmas!

Why is that?

Do we fill our lives with more as we get older? Have more to think about? More to do? More people to look after? More events to prepare for?

I really don’t know the answer.

But I do know that this week has been a good week.

I am feeling more relaxed than I have in a while. Allowing myself to feel feelings and let it out.   Enjoying people’s company without feeling guilty or feeling that I should be doing something else. Making a decision in the moment and not looking back and judging myself. Building my confidence and self belief. Allowing myself to move forward, without regrets, from the position and moment I find myself. Baby steps, moment to moment, inching forward.

There is something to be said for living in the moment.

Enjoying and savouring the present.

For as Eckhart Tolle says, the present moment is the only moment you can influence. The past is the past. The future is unknown…

And right now the most important thing for me to do, is enjoy the company of the Big Man as he has been a hero today… overcoming the indulgence of the night before and looking after two little men, while I enjoyed every moment learning from 2 phenomenal, professional, accredited Make-up artists all the tips of the trade and then putting them in to practice.

Right now, my tummy is full of delicious food and my head full of delicious learning….

Right now, I am relaxed.

Right now, I am content.

Right now, I am indulging in Sunday night pleasures.

8.15pm… and I could go to bed. Seriously… I could. I have been in my PJ’s with the boys since 5.30pm… watching some terrible Arnie film – Turboman?! I mean what was he thinking?! Or what were the boys thinking even? Or me for letting them watch it?!

Is it the darkness? Driving to and from school in the dark is definitely more tiring than in the day light…

Is it the 6am starts? And 5.30am pre wake up from Willy wanting tissues?

Is it the constant coughing and sniffing from Willy’s bedroom?

My mind is blank.

It is actually quite nice to have a blank mind.  Usually my mind and thoughts are in overdrive…

This kind of darkness is actually really peaceful… for the first time in a really long time, I feel relaxed.  The rain soporific on the window panes…

My laptop hot on my legs… my eyes shut… it reminds me of those late night feeds when you nod off…. only to shock yourself awake as you feel something slip… maternal instinct kicking in…

Ooh and as I write that there is a thud… and that’s Willy… a little earlier than usual, but on queue… his night terror. My little bird… flapping around, asleep, crying.

Over and out… time to look after the little man and time for bed…

Saved by the bell…

Half term almost over! It’s had its rock bottoms… And it’s ‘Rock highs’! 

I am a routine person and while I love a bit of disruption I am actually excited for the early morning alarm, the chaos of the breakfast dash, find the book bag, hunt the jumper craziness…. 
And then the 9.05 peace… 

A cup of coffee.

My lists.

My plans.

My calendar. 

A good sharp pencil…

A clear mind…
Ready for the day’s adventure…

Ready to embrace November…
  

Date night…. 

With James….

The anticipation..

The excitement…

Building up all day….

Couldn’t concentrate on anything else…

What should I wear? What would he be wearing? 

Where will we go?

Will there be any surprises?

Date night doesn’t happen that often…

He didn’t disappoint…

James Bond that is…. 

But it was quite nice to see James Mortimer again too 😉

As I left Yorkshire for the long drive south, I felt many things… Feelings about so many things… A big melange, a boiling pot and my life a spinning whirlpool faster and faster, pulling me down… 

Anxious as I had never driven that long, or that far … Ever. Let alone with 2 boys. Anxious that I hadn’t packed everything we needed, thought of any and every eventuality. Anxious that Mr OCD was going to Paris… 
Sadness because of my mum… Always present. My heart still raw and my mind still raging and weeping at the memory of her weakness, frailty, loss of speech, mobility, recognition… her at the mental hospital window… Sadness that Mr OCD wasn’t going to be with us initially…
Isolation…  A huge wave of isolation. Inexplicable .. But perhaps from so much change, loss… Old feelings dredged up from previous times of change and loss. Isolated from Old friends, my family, my job, my family … Isolated without Mr OCD for the first time on a family holiday he wouldn’t be with us for the whole time due to work commitments.. 
Guilt… Guilt that we were going on holiday without Mum… Guilt that I get to see the boys daily, hug them, kiss them, laugh and have breakfast with them…Guilt that we were going on holiday and Mr OCD couldn’t … Guilt was a bad one… Overwhelming at times…for so many reasons…
Hopelessness… At a loss.. Unsure how to handle myself, the sadness the guilt… I used all the tools I have learnt over time to overcome many of these feelings, but with my heart not in it, it didn’t work… No one could help… 
Self-loathing… Not good enough… At anything… Parenting, marriage, home maker, friendships… My angry little dobby saboteur rattling at the cages of my mind… Running riot around my positive mental garden…
As I said – a melting pot of negativity…all the elements of the taboo topic of depression… Feelings thought better brushed under the carpet in certain social circles..
And yet right now, in my pj’s and under a blanket curled up next to my dad, those feelings, that turmoil of the mind and soul, the whirlpool of my world has calmed… The water still.
The dark thunders clouds of negativity no longer threatening a storm, but lighter fluffy puffballs that are easier to disperse, blow away with a happy thought. 
A week away, wrapped up in family fun, mountains of good food, fresh air, restful slumber, wine and laughter, relaxation and rest has been just what the doctor ordered to make the sky of life blue again. 
And I am ready to face normality again and ready to go home. Now that’s the sign of a good holiday!
  

As we escaped the rain for a hot chocolate this morning, the bar was covered in little paintings… And several caught my eye… A lovely simple sketch of lovers kissing, the words ‘Work like a captain, play like a pirate’ and this one…. 
  
 
Esc … Escape…. And while this week hasn’t been on a deckchair, it has definitely felt like an escape from reality, real life..  
Busy days and lazy days, puddings and ice creams, wetsuits and wellies, sofa snoozes and sofa suppers, rose for lunch and red for supper, sunshine and rain, lie-ins and tigers (old family joke), bacon and black pudding, sand surfing and sea surfing, hot chocolate and marshmallows, family and family, nieces and nephews, woolly hats and sunglasses, pasties and posh, pj’s and blankets, cuddles and kisses, signal free and animal free, sandy feet and sandy car, doc Martin and downton, Indie and Bond….
One more day of gorgeously, delightful muddle and chaos…. My kind of palm tree and deck chair…

Oh to be a child again… The energy! The ability to run, run, run, jump in muddy puddles, splash through a river, run for countless cricket balls, cricket runs and overs.. Recharge with fuel, burgers and fudge cake.. And run through the sand dunes to get to the sandy mountains and run up and down and up and down, over and over… Delight and joy beaming from their faces, finding new paths, new ways to play, new games… Innovation at its best, innovation at its inception…. 
 Oh… To be a child … But oh to be a 5 year old girl child again…
You get to change clothes at least 3 times before breakfast – all in varying shades of pink. You get to boss around your big boy cousins and little brother, tell them where to hide and what the rules of the game are. You get to correct them… “They are NOT sparkles on my cardigan, sparkles are teeny tiny and these are big so they are JEWELS!” 
You get to wear your bejewelled cardigan with your best sparkly pink tutu skirt to the beach and to the sand dunes and you get to have special tiaras (NO Aunty Ali, they are not crowns…) on your silver blue Frozen Wellies… 
And the best bit of all… Because you are scared of prickles and so is your sparkly skirt…. You get to be carried all the way home! 
Oh to be a little princess again… The innocence … For it is genuine truth that comes out of your mouth, honest words… 
“Instead of worrying about the prickles, why don’t you count my freckles?” … 

“But you don’t have any!” … 
“So count her wrinkles then” pipes up my sister…

“But she doesn’t have any, Mummy!”
And that is why Princesses get to be Princesses… For all their demanding, bossing, hands-on-hipping, pouting, flouncing and twirling… They can make your heart melt like butter… And you will do anything for them….