Blue sky again..

As I left Yorkshire for the long drive south, I felt many things… Feelings about so many things… A big melange, a boiling pot and my life a spinning whirlpool faster and faster, pulling me down… 

Anxious as I had never driven that long, or that far … Ever. Let alone with 2 boys. Anxious that I hadn’t packed everything we needed, thought of any and every eventuality. Anxious that Mr OCD was going to Paris… 
Sadness because of my mum… Always present. My heart still raw and my mind still raging and weeping at the memory of her weakness, frailty, loss of speech, mobility, recognition… her at the mental hospital window… Sadness that Mr OCD wasn’t going to be with us initially…
Isolation…  A huge wave of isolation. Inexplicable .. But perhaps from so much change, loss… Old feelings dredged up from previous times of change and loss. Isolated from Old friends, my family, my job, my family … Isolated without Mr OCD for the first time on a family holiday he wouldn’t be with us for the whole time due to work commitments.. 
Guilt… Guilt that we were going on holiday without Mum… Guilt that I get to see the boys daily, hug them, kiss them, laugh and have breakfast with them…Guilt that we were going on holiday and Mr OCD couldn’t … Guilt was a bad one… Overwhelming at times…for so many reasons…
Hopelessness… At a loss.. Unsure how to handle myself, the sadness the guilt… I used all the tools I have learnt over time to overcome many of these feelings, but with my heart not in it, it didn’t work… No one could help… 
Self-loathing… Not good enough… At anything… Parenting, marriage, home maker, friendships… My angry little dobby saboteur rattling at the cages of my mind… Running riot around my positive mental garden…
As I said – a melting pot of negativity…all the elements of the taboo topic of depression… Feelings thought better brushed under the carpet in certain social circles..
And yet right now, in my pj’s and under a blanket curled up next to my dad, those feelings, that turmoil of the mind and soul, the whirlpool of my world has calmed… The water still.
The dark thunders clouds of negativity no longer threatening a storm, but lighter fluffy puffballs that are easier to disperse, blow away with a happy thought. 
A week away, wrapped up in family fun, mountains of good food, fresh air, restful slumber, wine and laughter, relaxation and rest has been just what the doctor ordered to make the sky of life blue again. 
And I am ready to face normality again and ready to go home. Now that’s the sign of a good holiday!

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s