Time is a commodity.  It is precious.

 

As I go through this year, I am realising that more and more.   There are and there will only be 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes in an hour, 60 seconds in a minute.  There are only 168 hours in a week, 52 weeks in a year….

 

We never now how many years there are in a lifetime.  But life is finite.  It does end.  It may end suddenly, or it may dwindle away…

 

There is only so much time to live.

 

Time needs to be respected and valued, not wasted.  Both our own time and the time of others.

 

In the last 24 hours, 4 different people wasted my time…. Cancelled meetings and no shows… We all get them.  One in isolation is ok to deal with, I always see it as time back… as time to do something potentially more worthwhile.

 

But 4!  In less than a day…. ?

 

I am trying to work out the lesson from the universe in that one…

 

I don’t value my time enough, so I put that out there and others don’t either?

The universe is giving me time back because I need it, deserve it, want it?

 

I know I needed the time with a great friend tonight over a glass of red and a curry after a Willy ‘red mist’ episode that lasted over an hour!  (End of term tiredness makes Willy ‘volatile’)….

The great thing about a new day, is that it is a new beginning, a new opportunity to start again, forget the past and give yourself the chance to move forward.

 

Today, I gave myself permission to go back to basics.  Strip away all the rules I lay down for myself, goals and targets I set myself and just see what was really important.

 

So what is important to me?

 

1. My happiness, my health, the feeling that I am thriving, really thriving on life!
2. Creating a environment where my boys (all 3) can be happy, healthy and feel like they are thriving!
3. Keeping my little boys safe, fed and watered, while they can’t do that for themselves.

 

Anything else is just noise.  And I have added a lot of noise over the years… both limitations on what I can do, drink, eat, say, think, see.. as well as setting myself high expectations and goals.

 

To get back on to a good frequency, out of the recent black hole and without overwhelming myself, simplicity is the way forward.  So throughout the day I asked myself:

 

Is what I am doing or have planned to do, making me / or the boys happy?

Is what I am doing or have planned to do, making me / or the boys feel alive and thriving?

Is what I am doing or have planned to do, good for me / or the boys in the long term?

 

If the answer was yes… I carried on.

If the answer was no… I stopped doing it, unplanned it… and decided on what would make the answer into a yes.

 

I love a saying about a lotus flower that was part of my 2015 year vision board:  ‘The lotus flower blooms from muddy waters’.

To make any flower bloom, you have to nourish it, nurture it, give it what it needs.

 

What I need, I realised, is just time to myself, time with my boys without the guilt or shame of feeling like I should be doing something else.

 

My two favourite nourishing moments, my ‘best bits’…

 

Taking Tom on an adventure… to get cake and sit by the river to eat it and asking him how he was feeling at the end of his first year at his new school, kicking the dense weeds below the wall we were sitting on, feeling the sun on our faces and giggling.

 

Allowing Willy to sleep on me, right now… he is overtired and can’t sleep.  Stroking his soft hair, listening to his breathing slow and his little body relax, getting heavier on my legs until the peace and release spreads over his face.

 

A couple of ‘old rules’ broken with cake in the week and sleeping out of bed, but the overall reward of happiness through rebellion without chastising myself, is sweet, sweet food for the soul.

 

I can feel myself lifting up the frequency scale, the tingle of the lotus bud deep within.

 

And tomorrow is another day again.

 

 

When I started this project, the #365dayblogchallenge, I went into it blind, a bit naïve maybe, uncertain as to where it would go, what would happen…. But that added to the excitement.

 

The idea originated from a friend saying how well I was coping given the turmoil going on around me – my Mum having been sectioned that day, my husband living in London, my son starting a new school, my other son in a separate school struggling with the isolation and at the same time as I was creating a new career and a new personal and professional identity.

 

I explained that various techniques had been helping me, journaling one of them.  Thus the blog… as she felt that my ideas, attitudes and thought processes would help, inspire, provide support to others going through similar, or some or all of the life challenges I was going through or about to go through.

 

The commitment I made to the project, myself and the blog, was that it would be daily.  Honest.  Authentic.  The only way to do that was by not thinking about who was reading it and what they would think of it.  Or me.

 

And having just had 2 of my darkest days of the 304 days to date, that was hard… but I have learnt a couple of things.

 

Firstly, I am not alone.  Maybe there was a full moon or something this weekend!  I wasn’t the only person to totally freak out!  Throw a complete wobble, challenge the status quo, want to ‘stab someone with a spoon’ as they put it so aptly….

 

Secondly, I am not alone.  I am not the only person to struggle with grief, to have bottled it up, shoved it down, put on a brave face, carried on as normal only to have it come back with a vengeance.

 

Thirdly, I am not alone.  I am not the only woman brought up in the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s to have been told I can have and do everything that a man can do…. Only to find a man who loves his high flying, successful, independent partner, but also on becoming a father and / or with a serious, demanding career, wants his mother at home – the perfect cook, homemaker, housewife and host.  The ensuing situation is confusion, frustration and burn out by all parties.

 

Fourthly, I am not alone.  My going dark and removing my links to facebook was less of the Greta Garbo ‘I want to be alone’, but more Audrey Hepburn ‘I don’t want to be alone, I want to be left alone’.  However, on re-entering the technology and i-world, my phone was awash with concerned friends.  I am definitely not alone in this journey and I am so grateful and lucky to have so many good, kind people in my life.

 

However, interestingly… as many kind people there are, there are some pretty unsavoury ones.

 

And that leads me to another lesson from #365blogchallenge.  By baring your inner thoughts, personal feelings and publicising it through a public blog, leaves you wide open to criticism, comment, opinion.

 

Some of the earlier comments, whether public or said in private (and if they are said outloud, even in private, they do have a way of getting back to you…) really hurt, made me question what I was doing…. But I am no stranger to obstacles!  They are just a lesson in themselves – they teach you how bad you want something, how committed you are, how dedicated you are, if you are person of your word… or not. (Just like the bacon sandwich, or the big juicy burger when you are meant to be on a healthy eating plan…. )

 

And the more recent, harsh, heart stabbing comments… well, they are just water off my back.  I thank them for their time to read my words.  I thank them for their time to comment.  I thank them for making me question what I am doing… and then I refer to the dozens, almost hundreds of texts, messages and conversations I have had where people have said my words, my blog, my experiences are helping them through some of their own very personal and private issues….  They thank me for my bravery for baring my soul so that others can learn from my mistakes, my experiences… Or just thank me as they enjoy what I have to say as it reflects exactly what they are thinking….

 

So perhaps my biggest lesson, is that by sharing vulnerability and by being open to being vulnerable, you actually make yourself stronger.  Not only through the experience itself but by the support and strength you receive from others.

As Brene Brown says ‘We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known’.

 

 

I have been off the grid. In doing so I become acutely aware of how I relied on technology to distract myself from my own thoughts and noise in my head. A bad thought or feeling and I would reach for a I-something and distract myself. 
I let myself do nothing, think nothing after a restless sleep. Just listening to the white quiet in my room. The distant police cars and church bells, hotel room doors slamming. 
I did this as I knew I had work to do. The Work. A concept the lady I see after losing mum, introduced me to. We have done Byron Katie’s ‘work’ on a few situations in our sessions to help me work through issues or mental blocks. But we did in concept and briefly, with my homework to go away and spend time really being with the questions and answers, being truthful, no matter what.
But I never had the time. It wasn’t ‘urgent’.. Albeit important, it didn’t feature on any list – not the boys list, james’ list, house list, social list, work list or job list. It never got done.
So here I am, with a mountain of ‘stuff’, un-dealt with… So historical issues, some little, some enormous, current problems or situations, have all mounded up over time. Some maybe have been chipped away a little, but never really gone or just hidden under the pile of new ‘stuff’… 

And me, in the middle of this mountain, continually climbing on a moving target to stay at the top, able to breathe. I have an image in my mind – i am in a sand timer. The sand, the little daily issues, flowing through a funnel from above, infinite quantities of sand and me, consistently striving to stay on top, stay alive, stay positive, upbeat, able to breathe out of the way of the sand. 
Yesterday, the time bomb went off. An explosion deep in the mountain and everything including me came tumbling down. I don’t know which grain of sand or Boulder ‘went off’. Or if it was one little spark that then started a chain reaction to create a devastating blow.
Yesterday and this morning, I just lay at the bottom of the rubble looking at the work I had to do to clear out a way to get back on top.
At lunch time, I got to work. 
The Work is a series of 6 questions and then a further 4 to dig into and investigate further. And a final declaration. 
The first question to ascertain was – who was I angry at? Sad with? Frustrated by? Disappointed with?
There was a long list. 
But the one at the top was me. 
I answered all the questions, in handwritten notes over many sheets of a4, the back of letters found in the car.
Question 5 was interesting. ‘What do you think of them (me) in this situation. Make a list. Remember to be petty and judgemental’. When returning to the answer to go through the investigation to answer the question ‘how do you react when you believe that thought?’.. My answer written down says ‘I feel awful. I wouldn’t say that to my best friend, even if it were true. It is so mean that I want to shrivel up and die…. If I believed the thought I would treat that person I am describing like dirt, ignore them, hate them, think they were cheap, worthless, pointless, pathetic and a waste of space’. 
Wow. 

So that’s how I have been believing myself to be and therefore treating myself. Seeing it written down is pretty powerful. 
Awareness is the first step to recovery…. First step taken.
The Work asks for each thought you write – ‘who would you be without that thought’. Who would I be? If I could banish those thoughts from my head and associated feelings from my heart? Me. Just me… Ali. A mum, a daughter, a wife, a business owner, a volunteer… If I were a corpse, a million labels hanging around my big toe .. 

So if I am not a corpse, what am I? A zillion particles of energy, collected together in one being, on a big rock, hurtling through the Galaxy.. If I am that insignificant in such infinite space, the thought is nothing. It makes my head hurt trying to work that out… 
I move on… 
The final question asks ‘what is it about this situation that you don’t ever want to experience again’. The answer simply that I don’t ever want to feel like I need to run away again. 
It then asks you to turn that around and say ‘I am willing to… Or I am looking forward to..’
I am willing to let go. Of everything… thoughts, fears, grief, emotions, hate, frustration… 

I am looking forward to cuddles with my little boys and Big Man and having some Sunday fun and laughter.
It’s 4pm and there are still a few hours left of Sunday. 
It’s time to go home.

 How strange.

I did write a blog yesterday. And I published it… But it is not showing online nor is the original in my notes – only the last sentence I decided not to copy and paste across.
Maybe it is a message – and I love messages from the universe. Forget yesterday. Not one to dwell on or remember… 
I turned my back on all my responsibilities. 

I turned off my phone. 

I hid from life in the cinema. 
And I am waking up in a modern, white, characterless room, with a beautiful a view across Leeds wondering what my next move is. 
The quiet and calm and no pressure… No head noise … Time to think or not think… 
Is one night away enough? Is two? I can see how dangerous the slippery slope to just running away can be… 
I look at the photos and videos of my babies and I can’t imagine a life without them, so I know I will go back. The pull of the magnet of motherhood too strong. 
But going back to face 5 against 1, the judgement and back to the washing… I am just not ready. 

My favourite time of the day is when the boys and I get in to the car after I pick them up from school.  After we have all run through our top ‘best bits’ of the day, we get to make our own soundtrack for the 40 minute journey home.  We each choose one song and then we pump up the volume and sing our little hearts out, as if no one was watching!    It’s such a fab release…. And I just laugh at how different the boys are… Willy perfectly in tune, in time and knowing all the words.  Tom more like me… just sings whatever comes out – which may or may not be the right note or word.

 

Our soundtrack tonight made me stop and take notice.

 

Tom is always up first and tonight he chose David Guetta’s ‘Titanium’!  I listen to the lyrics and have to smile… this is SO his soundtrack for his first year at a new school….

 

“raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones

I’m talking loud not saying much

I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium”

 

Yes you are my love.  Yes you are.  And I am so seriously proud of you… You have held your head high, been so brave, recovered only recently from your broken leg and representing the fastest boy in your house and your year for the 1200m and then without breath going on to win your sprint heat and then overall.  Your bones are titanium!  You are titanium!  Strongest little boy ever…. (I did love cheese when I was pregnant with you!)

 

Next up Willy!  And it’s Olly Murs ‘Up’… pronounced in his very Yorkshire accent ‘Oop’.

 

‘Hold on to what you’re feeling
That feeling is the best thing
The best thing, alright’

 

This totally represents Willy at the moment.  He is so happy and bouncy and jolly – just like this tune… loving his new school, his new friends, loving the challenge and enjoying growing up and into his own strong character…

 

And I have to laugh at what I chose!  Paloma Faith – ‘Picking up the Pieces’…

 

‘Oh, I’m picking up the pieces
Of a broken heart
Who will save them?
Who will save them?
I’m picking up the pieces
Oh, I’m picking up the pieces
Somebody save me’

 

Rather melodramatic!  I am picking up the pieces and coming to terms with a new ‘normal’…. Life will never be the same without Mumbo… but I have to pick up the pieces and move on.  The only person to save me, is me!

 

The next song, which always features somewhere… Tom chooses ‘Fast Car’ by Jonas Blue, the remix of an old favourite of my by Gabrielle.  He is his Father’s son… and Grandfather.  This song will always remind me of this special time…

 

Willy by this time has zonked out, folded in two and snoring.

 

Tom pipes up from the back – ‘I’ll choose your song for you, Mum!’..

 

Want to guess what he choses?!

 

“You don’t gotta go to work, work, work, work, work, work, work
But you gotta put in work, work, work, work, work, work, work
You don’t gotta go to work, work, work, work, work, work, work
Let my body do the work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work
We can work from home, oh, oh, oh-oh
We can work from home, oh, oh, oh-oh

Yeah, we can work from home”

 

Yep – little man, I can!  And I will.. from now on!

 

Great soundtrack today boys…

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am feeling very chilled.
Maybe it is the first glass of wine I have had for a very long time… A gorgeous crisp dry rose .. My body doesn’t seem to be rejecting it so far…
Maybe it is because I took the advice of some very wise people and actually did nothing or at least very little while the boys were at schools. I looked at my lists. And that is about as much as I did. At one point I was so relaxed I woke up!
Maybe it is relief… All the tough decisions made, actions taken. Plans for the summer taking shape with my freedom to spend time with those I love rather than being tied to a pointless job, that was a priority for someone else, not me.
Maybe it is because I finally value my role as a mother, wife, homemaker… It’s only taken 3 years to see it, realise it, welcome it and now embrace it. No more searching. I have my business and volunteering to stimulate me as and when I need it and when I choose it.
Maybe it is because I had a good cry, sob even as I followed a hearse all the way from house to school. Mumbo popped up on my timeline this morning to say ‘hi’… A poignant previous post where she reminded me how much time she did have with her grandchildren.. Gorgeous pictures of her as the boys were born right up to last year. And the hearse, I felt was another sign from her telling me to ‘go slow’, take your time, stop racing here there and everywhere, go at the appropriate speed to your reality… The hearse taking a steady pace on the windy, bumpy, roads and then picking up speed on the motorway, but not excessive! Message received…
Maybe it is because I feel the support from so many beautiful people who take the time to give beautiful things to me; give me hope and comfort through words of experience; give me love through messages, unexpected visits, impromptu hugs; empathy and support when I know how tough it may be for them…. 
I love the maybe game…. I also love feeling chill. 

I consider myself incredibly lucky to have a really good group of ‘BFF’s.    They are all very different and some have become my closest friends and confidantes more recently and some a considerable time ago.

 

One of my ‘BFF’s became so because we were just as similar as we were the opposite.  We became so close because we both took German GCSE and for A Level.  We were only a small class in number – German not being the most popular of subjects – and we had lots of fun!  Well Brown and I did anyway, being the least serious and far less studious than the others.

 

For our many similarities, we also were polar opposites.  For example, we both did French and German A Levels, but while I did Maths (very practical), she read Latin (a totally impractical dead language!  ha ha !) and as dark as I am, she is blond – white blond.  As sporty as I was, I would pee my pants every time she would try and catch a ball.  The memory still makes me laugh – her mal-coordination leaving us all (her included) in stitches.  As painfully tone deaf and incompetent musically as I am (also leaving us in stitches), I am always astounded and respectful of her talent and ability to play any instrument, any song, perfectly without a score sheet, sing and harmonise and be able to ‘name that tune in 2’…

 

One thing more recently we have in common is that we both lost our mothers to a long, drawn out illness.

 

She lives in South Africa so we don’t get to catch up much, but this morning despite wifi problems her end and 4G blackholes in deepest, darkest Yorkshire – we did.

 

After updates on our godchildren, we discussed our lives as Mums and life after losing a Mum.

 

Our lives as Mums have similarities and opposites too. We have both left our corporate careers behind us, me because I choose to, Brown because she can’t practice law in Africa and yet we have both returned to doing things that used to do in our spare time, hobbies outside of the class room.  I rang Brown in delight on the back of receiving a recording of her gorgeous voice…  I LOVE that she is using her raw and natural talent and sharing it with the world .. or Africa to start with anyway.

 

Our lives losing our Mums have more similarities than opposites.  The only difference is time.. 15 years worth of difference.

 

Brown’s words and advice from experience were welcome and comforting.  We both watched our Mums suffer a slow, degenerative disease where the grieving started well before the end.  The grief for the loss of the strong characters of amazing ladies, the grief for the loss of their future for themselves and selfishly for ourselves.  At the end, there is an element of acceptance and relief that wouldn’t have featured if our Mums had died suddenly and unexpectedly and where our bodies and minds would have been immediately shocked in to grief.  With a long, drawn out, slow disease, with the ‘burden’ of grief and care gone, the initial reaction is to move on, get on with life and live for the sake of the living.

 

But only for a while.  Then comes the natural aftershock.  So I am right on track and that in itself is comforting.

 

I also spoke to another one of my ‘BFF’s today…. And she also said something that rang true.  She has just had her 3^rd baby, has 2 businesses, a husband and a house to run…. And has probably been doing too much with a brand newborn and her gorgeous Mum rang and told her to stop, saying she was worried she was doing too much.  On speaking to her today, she said she had thought of me in that moment, and realised I had no one to tell me the same.  No one to cheer when I slowed down, or made the right choice.

 

Or do I?  As I handed in my notice yesterday at the magazine, I drove past a garden that I drive past daily.  But yesterday, the front garden was full of white Arum Lillies –  my Mumbo’s favourite, the logo for her design business many years ago and the flower in my wedding bouquet.  Their big white trumpets standing tall and proud and to me, it sounded just like they gave me a resounding trumpet chorus, cheering me on the decision with the same fervour and vigour as I cheered on the boys at Sports Day yesterday!  Loud and Proud!

 

All is as it should be.

Brown – if you read this – we need an updated photo!  I am coming to Africa!

 

At the weekend, I heard a fantastically happy and successful couple share their mission statement.

 

So I decided to write one for me too..  I may tweak it over the next few days or weeks, but this will be my daily guide, daily mantra, daily chant (I am ex-Asda!), daily confidence boost:

 

‘I am a proud, guilt-free, full-time Mum and wife, growing a business to change the health, wealth and wellbeing of 1 person at a time.  I prioritise time to do what I love – time with my Big Man, my boys, my family and friends, exercise, mindfulness, writing and giving back through volunteering.  I am a woman of substance who loves and inspires others through sharing vulnerability and truth.’

 

This was on the back of doing an exercise to understand exactly all the things I had committed to doing, had to do, needed to do, wanted to do and loved to do and the time associated with each.  I then prioritised them, highlighting any dependencies and cross referencing with the goals that the Big Man and I have for our current situation and future goals and happiness.

 

There are only so many hours in a day. And my list showed that my days were over filled.  I had spread my self too thin.

 

I also read up on the Covey Quadrant on ‘What is urgent?’ and ‘What is important?’  Most people, including me live in the quadrant Urgent & Important having left the important too late and made it urgent.  The bottom line is to do the important things first, so they don’t become urgent and therefore, stressful.  Many people forget that health is right up there as the most important thing and de-prioritise exercise, eating healthily, rest, mindfulness… and run the risk of becoming unhealthy – either overweight or overstressed.

 

I am prime example.  The most important thing for me to do is grieve and rest, the two things I have been ignoring as it wasn’t ‘urgent’.  These two things will mean I can then do everything else that is important for our family – create a happy home environment for all of us, so we can all do what is important for us – build a career, grow a business, get the best education, be happy, have fun and enjoy adventure.

 

So certain things have come off my to do or commitment list, as they are not ‘important’ to long term health and happiness.

 

Clarity provides such calmness.

 

 

For an energetic, busy person as I consider and know myself to be, having no energy is highly frustrating.   The lack of energy has been bothering me, on my mind, taking all my attention to try and work out what it is.

 

As I was driving to Manchester yesterday, I got to chapter 6 of the ‘Untethered Soul’ by Michael A. Singer which focused on energy.  (Thank you Universe.)

 

“You have a wellspring of beautiful energy inside of you. When you are open you feel it; when you are closed you don’t. This flow of energy comes from the depth of your being. It’s been called by many names. In ancient Chinese medicine, it is called Chi. In yoga, it is called Shakti. In the West, it is called Spirit. Call it anything you want. All the great spiritual traditions talk about your spiritual energy; they just give it different names. That spiritual energy is what you’re experiencing when love rushes up into your heart. That is what you’re experiencing when you’re enthused by something and all this high energy comes up inside of you…..”

“do not let this energy build up inside you, but instead allow each moment of the day to pass through you”
My ears pricked up.  And I started to pay more attention, especially when he talked about a ‘lack of energy’ if there was no immediate obvious and medical reason for it.

 

Energy – he said – is always inside you.  For example, you could believe that having had no food or sleep could cause you to have a lack of energy.  And yet, on some of our highly productive days, we may have had little or no sleep or food and yet had bags of energy.  True.  When I did my triathlon, I had had 4 hours sleep and barely any food as I was too hyper and yet I completed the triathlon and did far better than I ever expected.  The theory rang true….  Even conversely, now that I am eating (not throwing up or feeling nauseous at the sight or smell of food), I still have no energy.

 

As I was driving along a tree lined M60, he used the same analogy to explain what may happen if you are feeling low on energy.  As you drive along, you are noticing all the trees, the lines on the road, the cars, the sky but the thoughts and recognitions flow through you freely.  Your brain takes the time to recognize them, compute it but not store it.

 

Using the same example, he said if you were driving along, but a car caught your eye that looked like the car of your loved one and that in that moment you also saw who you thought was your partner in a car with someone else and not where or with who you thought they would be with, your attention and energy flows to that imprint of the image emblazoned on your heart.  Then your mind focuses on trying to solve the puzzle – who was it?  Was it them?  Who were they with?  Why? Is it sinister or innocent?  Why?  Who? And around and around your mind goes as  you continue along the highway… no longer noticing the trees, the road and the life passing you by.  Your energy and focus is stuck in the past, in a flash back of a memory.

 

“No solution can possibly exist while you’re lost in the energy of a problem.”
Revolutionary.  For me anyway.

 

And then a further blow or lightbulb moment…

 

“You actually feel that because you’ve minimized the pain of the problem, you’ve solved the problem. But it is not solved. All you did was devote your life to avoiding it.”

 

The timing of the death of Mumbo happened in the midst of a tornado that had been spinning already… adding to the mix of the Big Man working away in London, his unhappiness and stress, Tom’s tricky start to a new school, a bruised ego and a broken leg… Willy’s emotional outbursts from lack of attention.  Multiple imprints on my heart that took my focus and energy.

 

With the return of the Big Man to Yorkshire, 4 months on, it finally feels like the dust of that tornado is settling, we have re-found ourselves and my trust in him has returned.  The images of upset, anguish, heart ache, frustration have blurred into a haze and I can see the road ahead.

 

With the end of the school year approaching, my lovely Tom Tom has settled, is happier and Willy counts down the days of the weekend until he can go to school again, skipping along the path and into the class room.  The imprint of their individual broken little voices on my heart forever, but right now they are happy and they are excited for their paths ahead, so I am too.

 

So that just leaves me.  And with the other problems solved, I have been avoiding probably the biggest heartache, the tragedy of the effects on my Mum of being in a mental hospital, the rapid decline caused by drugs and the unexpected shocking news that she was giving up and the long drawn out process of watching her die.  The imprints on my heart of her clawing at the window of the hospital, her birdlike hands, lifeless eyes, her toothless face and the last image of my Mumbo, her little feet the last part of her to be covered in a shroud.

 

The avoidance of the recognizing the pain:  A new job.  A triathlon.   Running around like ‘superwomen’ as someone described me yesterday.

 

Having worked in a very male dominated environment for the majority of my career, I don’t cry.  It is a sign of weakness.  Especially in public.

 

Today, I am turning to face the pain.  And as Michael points out  – it is going to hurt!  Anything stored with pain will release with pain.  The answer is to not push it back down again and bury it along with any other stored pains which just cause blockages of the flow of life.

 

I wasn’t sure how to unblock it or release the imprints.. but his advice is to ‘let it flow’ and to do that you need to relax and ‘open your heart’.  I am interpreting that as allowing myself the time to take each of the painful memories and images and look at them, feel the pain, cry and then let them go.  I also appreciate that could take some time and I am going to have to prioritise doing that as much as I prioritise keeping my boys fed, watered, clean and in school.

 

I loved my Mum and I have avoided crying or I have time-boxed the time it will take to grieve. ‘I will be fine by May and then I can get a ‘proper job’.  And by doing so closed down my heart to my Mum and she doesn’t deserve that.

 

So I am opening or re-opening my heart to the pain.  I loved my mum for 40 years, so maybe it will take it 40 years to grieve her.  Who knows?  I no longer care how much I cry or who sees me, or what they think of me or if they think I should be ‘over it’ because it was good or a relief that she is out of her Alzheimer’s misery.

 

My superwoman cape has been removed and put on the top shelf for another day.  I am hugely grateful for close friends around me for helping me see that this is necessary.  I am hugely grateful for journalling and this blog for helping me clarify all the thoughts in my head so that I can see clearly what is needed.

 

“We are constantly trying to hold it all together. If you really want to see why you do things, then don’t do them and see what happens.”