Solitude

 How strange.

I did write a blog yesterday. And I published it… But it is not showing online nor is the original in my notes – only the last sentence I decided not to copy and paste across.
Maybe it is a message – and I love messages from the universe. Forget yesterday. Not one to dwell on or remember… 
I turned my back on all my responsibilities. 

I turned off my phone. 

I hid from life in the cinema. 
And I am waking up in a modern, white, characterless room, with a beautiful a view across Leeds wondering what my next move is. 
The quiet and calm and no pressure… No head noise … Time to think or not think… 
Is one night away enough? Is two? I can see how dangerous the slippery slope to just running away can be… 
I look at the photos and videos of my babies and I can’t imagine a life without them, so I know I will go back. The pull of the magnet of motherhood too strong. 
But going back to face 5 against 1, the judgement and back to the washing… I am just not ready. 

5 thoughts on “Solitude

  1. The maternal urge, if real would ensure you didn’t leave your children in the first place. You should ‘man up’ and realise there are millions of people who go though grief & much more & just cope and get on with it. You’re a bad mother

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    1. I’m staggered that someone is judging you as a “bad mother”
      It’s not as if you left them unattended.
      Sometimes it’s entirely necessary to take time to recharge. Not only is this essential to enable the giving (which you overtly do) to continue, it enables one’s dependants to feel their own vulnerability and resourcefulness. Yes this may cause them some pain, and uncertainty, but this is part of life. They will also learn that when one goes to those dark places one can find new treasure and return renewed. Trust and faith are not tested in a padded cell.
      There will be times in their life when they will inevitably experience anxiety and being there for them on the other side of a dark moment will be more enriching for you all than never leaving their side, particularly when you are having a crisis moment where sometimes more damage can be done by staying put. It was only “time out” after all. We don’t leave those we truly love when we take a moment to love ourselves better.

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    2. @ Pat Willett Whao says they cope? Plus it depends on how much support you get from those closest to you that allows you to cope. As a mother a mother myself the best piece of advice I got was from my late wonderful mother in law (and repeated by several others) if it is getting too much, if they are driving you crazy to the point where your blood is boiling she said walk away. As long as they are safe walk away, take a moment to calm down, collect yourself, reenergise. It’s better to walk away to make sure you ate the best mother you can be rather than stay and be one on the brink of collapse. As a mother you don’t have to be with with your kids 24/7. They have a father, grandparents. A mother needs respite too especially when dealing with a huge amount of stress and family should be there to support them to give them that rest.
      And lastly don’t ever tell someone they are a bad mother. Unless they are abusing or neglecting their children don’t ever judge someone in this way as you will never fully understand what that mother is going through (unless you are their best friend). We all need to rest sometime.

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    3. Good grief Pat, how about putting the judgey pants away. I’m glad you’ve been able to deal so efficiently with any grief you’ve had in your life but for some it’s an ongoing process which no amount of ‘manning up’ will help with. Keep going Ali, you’re doing a great job xx

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