I am snuggled up in bed with one of my little men.  Perhaps it was a sixth sense, but I knew he needed me…. And as I snuck quietly in, I found him curled up in my bed, half asleep.  His little hot face buried into my neck and he choked out the words “I am sad and I don’t know why.”

My little bear.  I love that he is so open to feel his feelings and share them with me.  As I held him tight, he continued…. “I don’t know whether I miss home, my school, my friends.  I don’t know whether I miss Perdi or Percy or my friends from school 5 years ago.”

As I held him closer and stroked his hair, I whispered that it was ok to be sad and to feel sad and not know why; and I thanked him for sharing with me how he was feeling.  I let him wrap his hot little body around me and soon he looked at me and said, ‘I am ok now.’

“You are not alone.”

A phrase I read today from my sun lounger book of choice, Brene Brown’s ‘Braving the Wilderness.”  It reiterated what I have been learning in my coursework this week with the topic of connection and relationships.

I have written a great deal of my experience of loneliness and lack of belonging throughout this last year and it is heartening now to read the theory behind my feelings, hurt and confusion.

I was right to write.  As the theory in both the book and lecture have made clear, sharing pain is transformative; others are feeling or have felt my pain, my anger, my confusion, my shame, my lack of worth, my loss of self esteem, my grief, my heartache.  I am not, I was not, I never was and never will be, alone.

I was right to let go.  All of me, all of it.  To shed my old life, was to shed a skin, a cocoon and to allow my authentic self to be reshaped, to venture out courageous but vulnerable in to the world as me.  I have learnt firsthand that when you believe wholeheartedly in yourself, you find true belonging; you belong to yourself. I am no longer alone.  I like being with me.

And I like being with this little mini version of me; hot, tired, confused but not afraid to share.

I heard a lovely story this evening.

 

On the Amalfi Coast, 2 couples were dining in a restaurant; one approached the other and asked if they were on honeymoon, the man twirling his new wedding band, the give away!  On actual confirmation, they told the story that 25 years previously, they had been celebrating their honeymoon too, and a couple had approached them with the same question and subsequently bought them dinner to congratulate them.  And so started a beautiful tradition – to go to a beautiful destination to celebrate a quarter century together, and also to find and wish a newlywed couple the same happy future.

 

Something so simple, so romantic, in an age where marriage seems to be less so.

 

I am not entirely sure I believe in marriage anymore, those vows and promises too easy to break;  but that’s not to say I don’t believe in true love and that can last 25 years at least…

 

 

 

I am loving the fact that these days, this day there isn’t much to say. No noise in my head.

I am loving the time as the 4 of us, this evening just the 2 of us, and some just the one of me.

I remember a friend sending me this photo and I hoped for the time I would find the blessing. Each day, each moment that passes, the blessing becomes clearer…

Unexpected Cocktail – rather than the long mojito, it is cocodomol, ibuprofen and vodka….

Perhaps the Thai massage wasn’t such an inspired idea after all….

But then, I should listen to my own advice to myself this morning – when it rains, the best thing to do is let it rain and learn to dance (or run) in it. So when you have pain that means you can’t move, don’t move! And learn to embrace the stillness…. back to the sun lounger, my book, some music … let’s hope the sun shines tomorrow!

I think that happiness is infectious.

 

No, I know, I strongly believe that happiness is infectious.

 

This week, there is no decision, no conscious choice to wake up and be happy.  I just am.  And therefore, we just are.

 

It is a beautiful place to be.

 

Some days, like today, when everything feels and is just wonderful, there is no need to write; there is no SFD (shitty first draft) and it feels good.

In the words of Oprah, ‘What I know for sure….”

What I know for sure, after 365 days, is that you can survive your worst fears.

What I know for sure, after 365 days, is that you have to keep looking forward with hope and positivity, just as much as you live in the moment to survive painful events of the past.

What I know for sure, after 365 days, is that you can take what you once thought was pretty perfect, wonderful and amazing, shatter it and rebuild it, reshape it and turn it into something that exceeds what it once was.

What I know for sure, after 365 days, is that true love can survive anything, the kind of real love that grows and changes and matures and only improves.

What I know for sure, after 365 days, is that as I served desert to guests dining at my dinner table, I wasn’t expecting that.

What I know for sure, after 365 days, is that even though I wasn’t expecting that, I didn’t expect this.

What I know for sure, after 365 days, is that I have grown personally, spiritually from the experience; we both have; we all have.

What I know for sure after 365 days, is that I made the right decision.

What I know for sure after 365 days, is that I am still strong.

There is nothing more exciting than going to bed early; especially when you know you are getting up even earlier in the morning!!

The only trouble is that we are all too excited to sleep!

Everything I have been listening to and reading up on today has been pointing towards dreams. Day dreams.  Freeing your mind from all limitations.

 

From my course work lecture from Martin Kisp who asked “What are the 5 things that you are putting off doing, because of fear of what you think might happen?”

 

To my audiobook I am loving listening to in the car, The Celestine Prophecy, as the lead character is learning about the 7^th and 8^th insights, he is learning to use his intuition, his dreams, thoughts and daydreams to predict what may happen in his future.

 

And finally, to the Marie Forleo interview I listened to as I cooked supper, with Latham Thomas, a wellness guru who advised that we should all act out our inner child by carving out time each day to day dream.  Our day dreams are the way to open up our own consciousness and determine our own unique blueprint for what is possible.  I love what she said, “Dreams are the soil that fuels the purpose of your soul.”

 

In a guided meditation this morning by Martin Kisp, he asked me to remember a time when I was at rock bottom.  Now that is a can of worms in itself, but I breathed through the panic and floated back down that rabbit hole, and joined myself under my duvet, the place I hid when I had no idea what was going to happen to me, my boys, our family; when the weight of the ocean and the world was pressing down on me, as life, each subsequent moment felt uncertain.

 

Martin Kisp asked me, my current self to say something to that pathetic, broken creature, who was too scared to hope, too broken to dream.

 

“You made it.  You made it.”

 

That was all the advice I needed to know at that time.  That there was a future.  That it was bearable.

 

Martin talked about courageous action.  Each day, I did take courageous action.  Some days, it may have been just getting in the car and getting to school.  Over time, over this year, those courageous actions became bolder, until I dared to dream again.  And the reality is far more than ‘bearable’.  Galaxies away from where I thought I would ever be able to be.   But all it took was one small step each day, or every other day.

 

So if my future self in a year, came back to see me again, as I sit here drinking wine, in our new home, excited for a family holiday, enthusiastic for the future and my career… what would she say our life, my life would be like?  What would she be like?  What about 5 years from now?

 

That will be my daydream next week, as life slows down for half term.  And I will ask her all about her life, her journey, what were the courageous actions she took daily, how did she face the challenges to come?

 

And what is the best bit about life in 5 years?  Now there’s a good day dream to have!

I haven’t had an ‘Ali McBeal’ moment for quite a while – not since the pity face fish slapping after Mumbo died.  But I had one today.

 

It almost happened in slow motion….  Seeing my son being slam dunked by his legs; his body hovering high in the air above the scrum capped heads, and being whipped down to crash land on his neck and back…. And as I groaned out a ‘Nooooooooooooooooo’, I grew several feet, my chest, arms and neck filled up to the size of Martin Johnson and I lumbered across the pitch, the ground shaking with each giant step towards the action.  With my giant hands I plucked out the offending boy from the opposition and did a Hancock, throwing him high into the sky while I growled an angry rumble and turned back to my sideline position, shrinking back to my petite blond form.

 

In reality, I just held my breath.  I think.  Or perhaps I shouted obscenities.  I am not really sure.

 

But my son, always one of my favoured teachers, showed me that revenge doesn’t have to be served with violence, or anger;  that you don’t have to sink to the level of cheating or corruption.  He just got up.  I saw him take a deep breath, adjust his mouthguard and play on…  and play on he did; within moments, turning the ball at the centre line and sprinting back to the try line;  triumphant.

 

He showed me that revenge, the best revenge, if it is even that, is to rise above it, to be your best self, turn a bad situation to a memory best forgotten and replace it with a story to be praised and remembered.

 

And that reminded me of an old fable I had come across that morning:

 

An old Cherokee told his grandson “There is a battle between two wolves inside of us all. One is evil – it is anger, jealously, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego.  One is good – it is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy and truth.  The boy thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather.  “ Which wolf wins?”.  The old Cherokee replied quietly, “the one you feed.”

 

I absolutely love that.  Feed the good wolf.  Choose love over fear and ego.  Always.  Tom, the good wolf.