I have just started a new book. Having loved her previous books, yesterday, I started the Judgement Detox by Gabrielle Bernstein. Initially, I wondered whether it was the right book for the current time. Did I really need spiritual guidance right now? Wasn’t I looking for more upbeat, badassery inspiration?
But as it turned out, it was bang on time.
I should have realised that after my emotional and energy highs, I always have a low. As I stitch up the last wounds, feel stronger, the blood pumping back through my heart again without draining away, something always triggers the wound to burst and the carefully, sewn stitches to fly off.
This time it was a comment.
And my judgement was fierce. Whether it was justified or not, isn’t worth the energy to answer.
After great loss, there is pain and depending on the type of pain, it will unleash a multitude of different feelings. But the same loss and grief creates a shadow in your soul. In your heart. In your mind. And even around you.
And that shadow, will remain with you always. But I believe, that over time, and as I have been feeling lately, the light within me is growing and the shadow is shrinking, or I am stepping outside of it, refusing to let it overpower me. I know it is there. Somehow comforting. A reminder of the strength and bravery I have shown.
The shadow and the stitches, they are still there. They are my war wounds. They are part of me now. And I acknowledge them. I am beginning to be proud of them, rather than ashamed or embarrassed.
And yet, the passage of time, the great healer that turns wounds in to scars and monstrous shadows into delicate ghosts, sometimes cannot account for the rawness of the scar or the speed of the shadow to rise.
And that is what happened this morning. And along with it, came judgement.
So, the words of Gabi this morning, “become aware of the dark shadows of your mind” made me continue to listen.
The antidote to the guilt I was feeling towards my judgemental response, is compassion. Towards myself. Towards the subject of my judgement. To witness my words and feelings and recognise that all I did was forget to love, and in it’s place fear crept in. The words and tone that triggered my fear, ripped open the scars and my light was overshadowed.
I recognise that. I witness it. And I can appreciate why I was fearful and my attitude turned to one of judgement.
And with that witnessing, my shadow slipped away, my scars stopped throbbing and my light returned to guide me back to my future and away from my past.
Always grateful to the teachers that arrive just in time to help me learn a life lesson.