Today I was still. I think I found ‘the niggle’, it was the cigarette. The rebellious, off the balcony, while I wasn’t watching cigarette. The one that said, ‘Because I want to, because I deserve it, because I just don’t care.. and she will never know.’ A dangerous little thought to have. One that you can apply and then apply again, more confidently to something more than a cheeky fag, until it escalates and results in breaking your life down and everyone around you. Until you realise, you do care and you didn’t deserve it… and you really didn’t want to.
That was the start of the uncomfortableness. And that little trigger in to the past has made me notice other key feelings that have stemmed from that one little stab to the heart, that perhaps I have been dancing around, not wanting to recognise them. But the stillness crystallised them.
The loneliness I have been feeling, because of our life breaking down, borne from leaving my good friends behind so I feel a little lost, no one to have a coffee or a walk with locally. The loneliness born from keeping many people at a distance, so that even when I am surrounded by friends, I still feel a little lost and lonely because I can’t show how I am really feeling – my happiness seeming too ‘fake’ and too early… my sadness or even anger seeming too depressing and inappropriate for a family time. The loneliness of being in a new community, on the edge of friendship groups, waiting to be invited in, waiting to feel like I fit in….. My smile a mask for a loneliness I don’t want to admit.
And the shame, a different shame I have been feeling. Not the shame because everyone knows, but the shame because they don’t know, the shame when someone eyes you up and down, notices the empty ring finger and your two blond sons. The intrigue in the eyes of the women and the discomfort I feel from some men. I haven’t worn my rings for over 9 months and I am not sure I will again. I know I have come a long way, a really long way in terms of forgiveness and trust, but the chasm ahead of me still feels a dramatically long way away and no rings will bridge that. My smile again, a mask for the shame I don’t want to justify.
The worst thing about a niggle is not knowing the origin or where it is hiding and just wanting it to disappear. I have learnt today, once you can find it and turn around and look at it, you can giving it some care and attention and then either let it go or take action to alleviate it. I already feel a lot lighter without my niggles for just writing it down and letting them know, I have found them and now I can do something for them.